


would you lie with me (and just forget the world)

by VashaZavist



Category: Big Bang (Band), SEVENTEEN (Band), TWICE (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Orphanage, Alternate Universe - School, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Aromantic, Depression, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, I'm so sorry for how many tags and characters are in this, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Schizophrenia, this is a painful fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-28 12:31:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 25
Words: 77,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7640158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VashaZavist/pseuds/VashaZavist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yoongi has never felt much of anything. He isn’t sure if he even knows what emotions are, but sometimes he ponders over whether the reason no one wants him is because of that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the kids aren't alright

Min Yoongi, at the impressive age of five, has already started to live quite the disenchanting life; beginning somewhere with being born as a castaway by his less than caring father, only to be abandoned by his free-spirited mother later down the road and thrown into his grandparent’s arms, right up until his grandfather is killed in a tragic coal mining accident and his grandmother isn’t strong enough to hold on without him - so she doesn’t. Yoongi realizes this when he finds her frail, lifeless body lying in a red river on their bathroom tile. He’s smart, smarter than most five year olds, and he’s also disquietingly emotionless. He doesn’t blink an eye as the ambulances take her away, face covered with a sickeningly pale and bony arm swinging off the gurney. He doesn’t shed a tear at the funeral, expression unchanging as distant family whispers surround him. He can hear the hushed conversation of ‘such a poor boy’ and ‘what a rough start’ and also the ‘well I can’t take him in’. Yoongi couldn’t care less that anyone that has ever conventionally supposed to love him never really has, he doesn’t gripe about how alone he is or the fact he’s been unwanted from the first breath he took and even before that. When he’s placed into the foster home, he already knows it won’t be a pleasant experience from the way the outside is falling apart and the inside smells like vomit and marijuana, his face is as stoic as ever and his voice unused. Even when the people that dropped him off in the van give him a look of guilt and the older woman tries to hug him for a second, saying a quick “I’m sure you’ll be okay. You look like a tough one.” Even when the resident caretaker is a permanently angry looking man with needle marks ridding the underside of his tattooed arm, Yoongi doesn’t feel anything like fear or even disgust. In fact, Yoongi has never felt much of anything. He isn’t sure if he even knows what emotions are, but sometimes he ponders over whether the reason no one wants him is because of that. It never lasts long and he falls back into his seemingly comatose state.

Yoongi is spiritually numb, but at the age of seven he finds out physical pain is something he is very much capable of feeling. When he discovers this it’s the first day of school and he wakes up early, partially because of the nightmares that keep jolting him awake but mostly because he wants to go to school. He’s grown so bored inside the foster home, where he’s one of four kids and he’s never spoken a word to the other three. The building is almost crumbling to the ground at this time, so many cracks along the walls that it would be stranger to find a spot that isn’t torn. Yoongi is almost wary when he pours the remaining cereal from the box into the cleanest bowl he can find, he thinks he might be able to eat in peace when he finds the milk in the refrigerator full of strange cellophane wrapped bricks. Yoongi is wrong, as the caretaker is awake and seemingly actually pissed the hell off at the fact that the small boy is trying to manage to have a breakfast before he leaves. When the man reaches out to snatch the bowl away from the boy, Yoongi is determined to keep it so he attempts to dodge out of his way. He trips over someone’s feet, whether it’s his own or the caretaker’s he can’t tell, and the bowl slips from his hands and hits the ground with a deafening sound. The generic, stale cereal flies all over and the sad amount of milk spills right where the bowl shatters. The look in the man’s eyes is not one Yoongi will ever forget as he pulls the small boy up by the collar of his ratty tee, knuckles white and eyes bloodshot. His fringe is practically all the way over his eyes as he hasn’t had the chance to trim it in a while, but his eyes are trained straight onto the livid man.

“Wasting the food we have?” His speech is slurred, but loud. “Ungrateful shit.” He throws him back down onto the rickety, wooden grey floorboards and Yoongi lets out an oof as the breath is knocked from his lungs with the force he lands with. He figures the man would stumble back into his bedroom, shoot himself up some more and pass out for the rest of the day like usual. He doesn’t really expect the sudden punch to his small face, the fist connecting to his right eye and most of his cheek is big enough to cover half his face and - much to Yoongi’s forfeit - bony as hell. When he comes to, taking a few seconds to register what just happened, he just stares at the caretaker and waits unmoving. The man leaves, closing the door to his bedroom with a grumble and another swear, and Yoongi grabs his barely held together bag before he heads out the door with a fresh and throbbing black eye.

That day, Yoongi also finds out that second graders are rude and don’t really want to be friends with the kid that shows up on the first day with a black eye. His teacher’s jaw drops the second he walks into the classroom and she pulls him aside at lunch, speaking softly to him about how he can tell her if there’s anything strange going on at home. He remembers he’s supposed to call her Ms.Kim but Yoongi doesn’t say anything, just looks into her eyes the way he looks at everything and waits for her to let him run along. Later Ms.Kim finds out that Yoongi doesn’t actually have a home and there’s nothing anyone can do for him, she cries and gives him a hug when recess ends. He stands stiff in her arms as she’s crouching and wrapping him up, doesn’t make a sound.

He comes back to find the youngest kid - Chan - crying in the living room with the oldest - Seunghyun- holding him, much like Ms.Kim had held him earlier that day but a little more awkwardly, and shushing him like he had seen a woman doing in a soap opera his grandmother used to watch. He sets his backpack down by the foot of the door, noticing that the mess from that morning still hadn’t been cleaned up. Seunghyun is only thirteen but when he sees his black eye, his jaw drops and his eyes fill just as much as Yoongi’s middle aged teacher. Chan seems to quiet as well at the sight of it, even though he’s only one and much too young to even know what the dark blue swollen skin around his socket is. Seunghyun motions for him to come over, and for a second Yoongi contemplates ignoring him and cleaning up the cereal before going to the boy’s room and sleeping the rest of the day. He decides to walk over, curious as to what happened with Chan, stopping less than a foot in front of the living chair Seunghyun is resting on. The older boy puts Chan down carefully, letting the boy toddle away, before he reaches out to trace his finger lightly over the bruising.

His lips are set in a tight frown, his eyes filling all the more and his voice breaks a little - Yoongi isn’t sure if it’s because Seunghyun was starting puberty or because he was about to actually cry - when he says, “I always hoped he’d never stoop to this.” Yoongi winces a little when Seunghyun presses a little too harshly on the skin right below his lower lashes. “It’s for the best it was one of us two.” Seunghyun manages to whisper, smile a bit at the younger, before he adds in explanation. “We’re the oldest. We have to look out for the others,Yoongi. You have to be a big boy. You’re always so brave. You have to be, for them.” Yoongi sees the tears spill over and Seunghyun wipes them quickly, before standing and following Chan back to the boy’s bedrooms. Yoongi isn’t sure how someone with actual emotions would feel at being told that it’s for the best that they were punched in the face, but he thinks it’s probably a little unfair. Still he can’t find it in himself to care and finds a dustpan to brush the pieces of the shattered bowl up. He can’t find an actual brush to do it with, so he uses his hands and tries not to bite his lip so hard it bleeds as every other piece slices open his palms and fingers. When he walks into the boy’s room, no one notices - or if they do, they don’t care - and Yoongi’s sheets are stained with the crimson still flowing even as he drifts off. That night, he dreams of his grandmother and wakes up with tears pricking the edges of his eyes. He blinks them away, convinces himself it was his body’s response and not him feeling sad - that it’s not him feeling. He can’t fall back asleep that night, his hands throb like his eye did earlier that day. He stares at the ceiling for hours, before it’s about time for him to get up and the sun is peeking over the horizon.

When he goes to school, Ms. Kim stares at his hands as she comes by to see his spelling exercises. He can feel her trembling as she takes his hands in hers, and tells him quietly that they’re going to visit the nurse. The nurse is a man younger than Ms.Kim and Yoongi isn’t sure if he’s a good person or not, because even though he smiles and gives him a lollipop before he leaves he also rubs all his cuts with a really gross smelling liquid that burns like nothing he’s ever felt. Ms. Kim sticks close to him for the rest of the day, telling him weird stories about animal families that are happy. He wonders if she’s mocking him, but decides she’s probably just trying to make him happy, like the bears in the woods she told him about. Yoongi wonders what happiness is like, but shakes the thoughts from his head and focuses on how to spell bicycle. When he comes home, he gives the lollipop from the nurse to Chan who squeals delightedly and hugs him with small, chubby hands. Seunghyun, who’s reading something for his own class on the bed across from them, smiles at Yoongi and nods his head in approval.

On Friday, Ms. Kim leaves a note on his desk with a finger to her lips, a soft smile, and a wink as she walks by casually. The note has what appears to be a phone number and in cute, loopy handwriting the words “In case of an emergency.” He stares at it with wide eyes, folding it carefully and placing it securely in the pocket of his jeans. He runs his fingers over it every couple of minutes, to make sure it’s still there, and because it makes a warm feeling surge through him. He’s not sure what it is, but it doesn’t feel bad and he hopes he can feel it again. Yoongi thinks there’s something changing inside him and when the bell for lunch rings, he doesn’t walk straight to the line. He knows he probably should, he won’t get much food at home. Nonetheless, he stays in the classroom standing in front of the big teacher’s desk waiting for her to look up from the papers she’s grading and notice him. It doesn’t take long, he can see the surprise in her eyes already, and she motions for him to walk over to her side.

Her surprise grows when Yoongi does that and a little more, for the first time in a long time he talks and his voice is a little strange because it’s been locked away but it’s working and he can say the words clearly enough.

In the warm light of the classroom and in the presence of the pretty smile that she’s directing at him, Yoongi says “Thank you.”  
She’s still crying when she answers with a “No, thank you, Yoongi.” He feels that warm feeling spreading through his middle again, but this time it’s stronger and Yoongi walks to the cafeteria a little differently. He looks a little more upright, a little more approachable. His black eye is nearly all gone, his hands feel fine, and Yoongi thinks that one day he’d like to give Ms. Kim a smile back.

On Saturday, he wakes up to a scream and a slurred shouting familiar to him. He runs out of the room and sees Seunghyun on the floor with the caretaker standing above him with his belt in his hand. Seunghyun is breathing heavily and shaking but he’s not making any sound. The scream was from the youngest and only girl in the foster home, Jisoo. Yoongi runs over to the girl cowering by the sofa as she stares in shock and horror at the beating in front of her. The belt comes down again, landing on Seunghyun’’s stretched out arm and Yoongi’s eyes widen at the huge welt already appearing bright red and painful on the bare skin. He puts a comforting hand on Jisoo’s shoulder and hears Seunghyun choke as he grits his teeth and tries not to cry.

The caretaker shouts again and this time Yoongi can hear what it is, “Don’t get into adult’s business boy!” The belt comes down again, landing on Seunghyun’s stomach and he curls into himself screaming with his mouth shut. The oldest boy opens his eyes, turns to face the caretaker from the floor and his eyes are daggers. Yoongi doesn’t think he’s ever seen anyone cooler than him, even in the James Bond movies he saw his grandfather watching over and over again on the weekends he wasn’t busy at the mines.

“She’s three!” Seunghyun roars out, his voice so hoarse and animalistic. He’s so broken, he’s so fed up, and Yoongi wonders if Seunghyun will be stronger than his grandmother. The belt comes down again, licking his shoulder and Seunghyun falls back onto the floor again screaming out loud this time. Yoongi feels in his pocket for the piece of paper, but the warm feeling doesn’t come and he thinks instead of feeling the paper, he should put it to use. He thinks it, but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t do anything but stare as the belt comes down again and again, Seunghyun writhing and sobbing.

The caretaker is yelling something with each whip of his belt, and Yoongi doesn’t really know what any of it means but Seunghyun’s face manages to express disgust through the anguish and he decides - whatever it is - it’s not good. “She can learn from a young age, fuck, pussy is pussy.” The caretaker is laughing, twisted and low. Seunghyun isn’t moving, or making any noise as the caretaker continues to whip him. He’s passed out from the pain, and Yoongi takes this opportunity to take Jisoo’s hand and pull her to her room. He hears a door close further down the hallway as he stands outside the girl’s room with Jisoo silently pleading for him to come in and stay with her. He puts a finger to his lips, closes the door softly and slowly walks to the edge of the hallway where he peeks out to the living room. The belt is lying on the floor next to Seunghyun, who’s still out cold, and the caretaker is nowhere to be seen. He runs over to the kitchen, gets a glass and fills it with water and pours it slowly and carefully onto Seunghyun’s face. The older boy sputters as he comes to, jolting up immediately and nearly screaming at the pain in his entire body. He looks at Yoongi who’s kneeling next to him, and smiles softly but Yoongi doesn’t think it’s real. It looks more like the smile his grandmother gave after his grandfather passed away, hollow and glued on. He knows it isn’t real when Seunghyun is crying again, and reaching for Yoongi who scoots closer into his embrace. When Seunghyun’s hands grip tightly at Yoongi’s back, Yoongi slowly lifts his arms and hugs him back. The action is awkward and strained, his muscles don’t relax and the hug doesn’t feel like anything but sore joints and passing time. Seunghyun chokes on a sob and mumbles out a thank you into Yoongi’s shoulder. Yoongi doesn’t know what else to do.

He says, “No, thank you, Seunghyun.” He’s pulled back, the older boy’s eyes wide and his lips parted as he stares at Yoongi.

“Did you just,” he takes a breath, “talk?” Yoongi nods, and he doesn’t know what’s funny when Seunghyun laughs but he thinks that Seunghyun probably doesn’t really know either because his laugh is as fake as his smile. They take Chan from the boy’s room, and move into the girl’s. They huddle together and just breathe, Chan and Jisoo cry as Seunghyun and Yoongi try to calm them somehow. No one sleeps. They just sit, listen, and wait. They wait for someone to save them. The night passes, and no one comes.

They come out on Sunday morning, the eldest planning to scavenge some food for everyone while the caretaker still isn’t around. They spend most of the day trying to make the younger ones laugh and teach them whatever they can remember from school. Yoongi tries to pay attention to what Seunghyun has to offer him, something about long multiplication, but his mind wanders to Ms. Kim and class the next day. He thinks about what it will be like, if she’ll notice that something happened if he isn’t the one that shows up with injuries. The caretaker doesn’t make himself known all day, and they all fall asleep that night. Yoongi has the same nightmare as before, but this time it isn’t his grandmother lying in the blood. It’s Seunghyun, ghostly and eyes glassed over. His body is covered in welts, his mouth open in a silent scream. When Yoongi wakes up, he screams a little too.

Seunghyun wakes up with him, climbs over to his bed and pats his back until he falls back asleep with his whispering “Everything’s okay. I’m here. I’m here, Yoongi.” Yoongi falls back asleep because Seunghyun is there, and for the first time Yoongi is scared of something. Yoongi is scared that one day, he won’t be.

He comes back to school with dark eyes and a bowed head. He avoids Ms. Kim’s eyes as she teaches the class but when it’s independent work time and she’s walking around to see everyone’s progress, he can’t any longer. He can feel her eyes smoothing over his body, checking for new marks, and part of him wants to tell her that she should be helping Seunghyun today. He wants to tell her that there’s a worse pain in the world than his black eye and cut up hands. He wants to tell her that he thought his friend was going to die, or maybe even that he was going to kill himself. She points out a mistake on his paper, smiles and walks away because she doesn’t know Seunghyun. Ms.Kim only knows Yoongi, only cares about his problems. Yoongi thinks he doesn’t like Ms. Kim all that much anymore, because in the end she can’t actually do anything for anyone. When the bell for lunch rings, he walks past her desk slowly, urges her to say something but she just smiles at him and motions for him to hurry. Yoongi leaves, but he doesn’t go to the cafeteria. Something doesn’t feel right, he feels sick. He doesn’t eat that day. He stands by the big, grey cafeteria trash can with his fingers grasping the small paper with what seemed to be a lifeline just days ago, but now just feels like meaningless scribble. He throws it away.

Yoongi comes home to hear sobbing again, muffled by the door to the bathroom. He rips the door to the boy’s room open to find Chan and Jisoo playing with an origami crane and looking up at him with curious eyes. Yoongi feels lightheaded as he closes the door again and all but runs to the bathroom door, he doesn’t knock. He doesn’t waste any time. He’s the only one that knows, that sees Seunghyun’s wounds. He swings it open quickly, and thankfully it isn’t locked. Yoongi feels himself dry heave a little, his eyes open wide and his face paling. Seunghyun is on the bathroom floor, crying, shivering, and naked.Yoongi isn’t breathing as his eyes trace over every inch of Seunghyun’s skin, the older boy seemingly still not even aware the door is open. Yoongi’s looking for the long, wide cut on his wrist and the blood, he’s looking for the answers. He’s looking for what’s taking him away. Yoongi finds blood eventually but not on his wrists. It’s thick and brownish red dried on the more intimate, inner parts of Seunghyun’s thighs. Yoongi doesn’t understand. He enters the bathroom, closes the door behind him and leans down to run his hand through Seunghyun’s hair. Now that he’s closer he can see bruises, in the shape of big hands, on Seunghyun’s neck and hips. He tries to trace the bruises on Seunghyun’s hips like he did with his black eye, but the older boy sits up suddenly and grabs his wrist. His eyes are wild, he’s biting down hard, and he’s glaring at Yoongi like he was the caretaker trying to hurt him again.

“Don’t touch me.” His voice is raspy, like he was screaming for a long time. It’s cold, it’s too cold to sound like the Seunghyun that Yoongi knows. It isn’t the strong, manly Seunghyun who takes care of them all. This boy is weak, and fragile and so very hurt. He reminds Yoongi of a bird he found with his grandparents at the park, with a broken wing and no way to take to the sky again. Yoongi stares at Seunghyun like he stared at that bird, thinking of how he can help. Trying to figure out how to heal his broken wing, to let him fly again. Yoongi doesn’t come up with any answers.

“Why?” Yoongi asks, because Seunghyun liked when Yoongi touched him before. He used to like when Seunghyun couldn’t sleep and Yoongi would put one warm hand on his arm, or neck, and tap his fingers to a clumsy rhythm. Seunghyun doesn’t even show any surprise at his words this time - doesn’t care that Yoongi is trying hard, so hard - Seunghyun just concretes his glare and drops his wrist.

“You wouldn’t understand,Yoongi. You’re too young.” Seunghyun bites out, lays back down on the tile and curls up. Yoongi leans back on the wall, stays with him for the night. They don’t sleep. Yoongi comes in and out of the sad room, checking on Chan and Jisoo, getting everyone food and calming the worried children. Seunghyun won’t eat, not even when Yoongi says “Please.” Yoongi doesn’t eat either. He reaches into his pants to rub at the paper in his pocket, only to remember he threw it away. He doesn’t regret it, figures he’ll just have to break the habit. Yoongi hears Seunghyun crying again, sniffles and muttered curses under his breath. He doesn’t talk any more, just stares at Seunghyun’s bare back and his thighs. Yoongi doesn’t understand.

He comes to school looking worse than ever, but there’s no physical injuries so no one looks at him. Yoongi finds out that school doesn’t give him anything useful, that learning how to spell and do arithmetic isn’t going to save Seunghyun from himself. It isn’t going to save anyone. It certainly isn’t going to save him. Yoongi wonders why he’s still here, and then he wonders if he means school or something else entirely. He doesn’t even move from his desk when the bell rings for lunch. He puts his head down, lets his hair cover his eyes like maybe it would take away the world with it. He tries to sleep. He doesn’t notice when Ms. Kim leans down next to his desk, only when she puts a lean hand on his shoulder. It’s gentle, Yoongi knows she doesn’t mean any harm, but he doesn’t want it. He thinks maybe he understands Seunghyun a little more.

He mumbles out, “Don’t touch me.” Ms. Kim lets go of him, but doesn’t move from her spot.

“What’s wrong?” Her voice is so soft, so quiet that no one would be able to hear it but them if anyone else was in the room.

Yoongi think he definitely understands Seunghyun now, parrots his words again. “You wouldn’t understand.” Ms. Kim lets out a small tsk tsk and whispers something about how she’s trying to. Yoongi doesn’t like that either, because she isn’t. No one understands, no one cares. He’s an orphan; Seunghyun is an orphan, Chan and Jisoo are orphans. They don’t know what care is, they don’t remember love. Yoongi is seven years old and he’s never felt a lot of anything, but when Ms. Kim gives up and walks back to her desk sighing, Yoongi thinks he probably knows what hate feels like.

Yoongi doesn’t go to school the next day, he stays in his bed. Seunghyun in his, finally leaving the bathroom floor and putting on some clothes sometime while Yoongi was at school. Chan and Jisoo play quietly in the same room. Jisoo waves goodbye to Seunghyun when he gets up, puts his shoes on and walks out the door. Yoongi is asleep, he doesn’t know. Maybe if he was awake, he would have realized it was too late to catch the bus to school. Maybe if he was awake, no one would have had to knock on their door and tell the caretaker that Choi Seunghyun was killed. Maybe he wouldn’t have had to hear the word ‘suicide’ again since the whispers at his grandmother’s funeral. Yoongi knows he knows what hate is now, because Seunghyun is gone and Yoongi was the only one that saw his wounds and he couldn’t help. He knows he knows what hate is now because Jisoo and Chan don’t understand, they aren’t crying and Yoongi is. Yoongi’s never cried before, the hot, wet trails running down his cheeks and foreign sounds escaping his chapped lips make him feel worse than he ever has. He doesn’t like it, he doesn’t want to cry but now he can’t stop and he’s the only one. Chan and Jisoo don’t know what suicide is. Chan and Jisoo can’t understand. No one understands, and no one cares. They’re orphans. Seunghyun was an orphan, and now he’s just dead. Yoongi knows he knows what hate is because he hates everything, including himself.


	2. i want you to stay (never go away from me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoongi knows he’s just being formal, but he wants to yell that he can’t take care of anyone anymore because he’s just so damn tired all the time and the younger ones can barely put their socks on by themselves. Yoongi wants to be cared for, he wants comfort. He wants someone to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a painful chapter that turns into a less painful chapter with lotsa subtle and not-so-subtle fluff. Yoongi won't be this broken forever. He has a long way to go for now though.

When Seunghyun dies - _kills himself_ , the thought tears at Yoongi every second - Yoongi doesn’t do much of anything. That is, he tries not to. He can’t find any reason for it, it’s not like he particularly likes his life. That would be a joke. He’s finally able to feel, but all he’s able to feel is the indescribable desire to engulf himself in darkness or scorching hot light. He wants to burn or drown, because inside himself new concepts have opened up. He’s having emotions, feelings, and it hurts.

Every day is worse than the last as Yoongi battles with which emotion will overtake him this particular Thursday. Or is that what day it is? It isn’t like Yoongi knows. He hasn’t gone to school in two weeks. Some days it’s just unbearable grief, those are the days that Yoongi cries under the blanket. Under Seunghyun’s blanket, as if that will help. Chan and Jisoo still don’t understand, all that they know is that Seunghyun has been gone for a really long time. Yoongi can’t stand the fact that he’s the only one that knows and cares that Seunghyun is gone for _more_ than a really long time. He knows that Seunghyun is just gone, and he blames himself for it.

These are the days that he feels the shame, the hatred. These are the days that he goes looking for a fight. Often, he finds it with the caretaker who is quick to whip him or hit, kick, throw him around - quick to hurt Yoongi, and for once he is grateful. Part of him thinks maybe this can help atone for what he’s done, for letting Seunghyun die. Part of him remembers that it’s best that it’s him and not the little ones because he’s the oldest now and it’s his job. Part of him hopes he’ll die, but he’s still here. He knows that’s also for the best, because leaving Chan and Jisoo alone like Seunghyun left them is something he can’t bear to do.

He doesn’t know how Seunghyun was able to, and these are the days that he feels the anger. It bubbles inside him, rising and rising until his entire body shakes and he wants to scream but he hasn’t said a single word since he told Ms.Kim not to touch him. He wonders if he ever really said anything at all because surely no one has ever actually heard him. It’s not like anyone actually listened, not Seunghyun and not Ms.Kim and certainly never his grandmother.

He thinks of her often, recalling memories of dreary afternoons spent on the dusty couch staring mindlessly at the TV with her, recalling all the red on the white tile. He wonders if there was a lot of red when Seunghyun died too. Yoongi thinks it doesn’t matter if he talks or says nothing at all because the result is the same. People don’t listen, and people leave. He tries not to admit it to himself, but he knows that he’s tried to make people stay.

He tried to be a good son, tried to tell his mother ‘I love you’ enough times to make her finally say it back. To make her stay. Even when her face scrunched up in discomfort, like the phrase was a burden to her, he kept trying. Maybe it just wasn’t enough. She still left. He watched her.

He tried to spend time with the only father figure he’d ever had, but his grandfather was always working. He didn’t have time to look at Yoongi’s drawing. He didn’t have time to tell him a story. Yoongi didn’t resent him for it, he wouldn’t even know how. He doesn’t know what it would feel like to be loved, to be cared for so how can he know he’s been denied of it. When his grandfather’s boss came to tell them that the mine collapsed and it was too sudden to save him, his grandmother fell to the floor with her pale arms outstretched as if she’s begging for the man at the door to give him back. He only nodded, gave an apologetic look and walked away.

He remembers more than anything the look his grandmother gave him when she finally got back up, the anger and disgust directed completely at him. He remembers the tone of her voice, biting and edged, when she snapped at him. When she yelled, “Why aren’t you sad? He’s your grandfather. He took care of you. He’s gone.” He remembers the days after, sickeningly similar to the day he spent with Seunghyun in the bathroom. Quietly urging her to eat, to get up and do something - anything. He remembers how many times she would say no, faintly and distant. She was already so distant then, he knew she would leave. He wanted her to stay, he wanted someone to finally stay. So he tried to keep her, like with his mother, he tried to show her love.

“Don’t be sad.” is the last and only thing Yoongi ever said to his grandmother, finding her bleeding out on the same day. He thought she might have done it out of spite, to show him she can’t just _not_ be sad. Yoongi empathizes now, he can’t just be okay. Nothing is okay. Nothing has ever been okay, but Yoongi is only now realizing and it’s all at once and overwhelming and he really doesn’t want to be here. He wants to leave. If everyone else did it, why can’t he? Yoongi doesn’t get up when Chan and Jisoo whine at him. He doesn’t get up when the caretaker screams at him to stop lounging his lazy ass around. Yoongi only gets up when three new children are brought into their building, their home as they should say. He only gets up when he hears that one of them is a boy, and he’s the same age as him, and maybe he’ll stay.

 

The girls are timid, of the same age - not twins, although their birthdays are a mere eight days apart - not even sisters. They spend all of their time together, Yoongi’s never seen them apart yet. He watches Jisoo try to get close to them, offering her dolls to play with and the girls fortunately play along. They’re four, only a year or so older than her. He wishes it was a lot more than that. He thinks maybe someone like a big sister would be able to help them, to take care of them.

He gets a big brother instead, even if he’s only older by a matter of months. This boy is taller, and more mature physically as well as mentally. Yoongi can already tell. He’s already hoping he can help, that he can change something. He knows he must look absolutely awful, puffy red eyes and greasy hair - he probably smells, he hasn’t showered in days. He probably looks like someone you would stay away from, but the new boy manages a warm smile with a hand on either side of him on each of the girl’s shoulders. The smile isn’t exactly forced, it’s just obvious that under the circumstances it’s very out of place. Still, the warm feeling Yoongi felt such a long long time ago returns. He nearly jumps at the male, relieved that he can still feel something other than bone crushing negativity. Instead he does the warmest thing he can manage for now, he talks. More than that, he introduces himself and the other two. It’s probably the least he can do. His voice sounds more awful than he thought it would, gone out of practice once more and distorted by a sore throat from the sobbing.

“I’m Min Yoongi.” He gestures at the smaller boy. “That’s Lee Chan.” He gestures at the younger girl. “She’s Park Jisoo.” The new boy does the same with his own company. His voice is smooth, kind of high pitched but charming. Yoongi likes it a lot.

“Kim Seokjin.” He puts a hand on his chest to indicate he’s talking about himself. Then gently taps the girl on the left of him, “Yoo Jungyeon.” Then does the same to the one on the right, “Hirai Momo. Nice to meet you. Please take care of us.” Yoongi knows he’s just being formal, but he wants to yell that he can’t take care of anyone anymore because he’s just so damn tired all the time and the younger ones can barely put their socks on by themselves. Yoongi wants to be cared for, he wants comfort. He wants someone to stay.

 

The week goes on, the new kids have settled in well enough and the caretaker hasn’t come out since he opened the door for the transport drivers. Yoongi starts to wonder if it’s possible he finally overdosed and died in there, an evil side of him hopes that’s exactly what happened. It’s nice to have an equal amount of boys to girls. Yoongi only wishes someone closer to Chan’s age would come, because the boy is cute and he tries his best but Yoongi just can’t play with him the way he wants him to. Yoongi is amazed when it shows that Seokjin can, like he’s been taking care of young children all his life and knows how to make them squeal with glee. Yoongi hasn’t heard Chan laugh this much since Seunghyun told him about Santa Claus. His heart hurts, he starts to wonder if he’s trying to replace Seunghyun. Not that it can be done. The warm feeling starts to visit Yoongi more often when Seokjin is around, especially when the boy laughs. It’s a funny laugh, kind of squeaky, almost like the sound of someone cleaning a window. Yoongi doesn’t think he’s ever heard anything better. Until he does.

 

It’s the darkest hours of the night, and Yoongi can’t sleep anymore. He has the nightmare about Seunghyun standing on the other side of a road, staring at him and scowling. He’s always scowling at Yoongi, and there’s never any cars. Not until Yoongi tries to reach the older boy and takes a step forward. Then Seunghyun runs out into the middle of the right side and Yoongi watches as a giant fourteen-wheeler truck runs right through him. The sound of his body breaking wakes him up. He’s been having this nightmare for three weeks, it never gets any easier. He likes having the feeling of three bodies in the boy’s room again, although it isn’t the same. The immortal grief will still be there every time he lets his mind wander to his memories with the dark haired youth, but Yoongi is getting better.

He can feel it. He almost felt himself smiling earlier that day, when Seokjin cooked dinner for them and Chan and Jisoo’s eyes welled up with emotion from the taste. It wasn’t the kids - sure, he was happy that they were happy for once - but his lips started to tug as he watched Seokjin’s own spread into a proud grin. It was the warmest Yoongi had felt yet.

He turns onto his right side, facing the open space in the room instead of the wall and is met with Seokjin’s eyes open and fixed on him. He can’t help but part his lips in surprise, even more so when Seokjin stands up and moves quietly into Yoongi’s bed and now _this_ is really the warmest Yoongi has felt yet. Mostly from the body heat of the two bodies in the small bed, but also because Yoongi is probably blushing a little. It’s not like he hasn’t slept with the other boys before but something feels different about Seokjin. Yoongi writes it off as he’s just not used to him yet, though it couldn’t be farther from the truth.

“You were crying in your sleep.” Seokjin whispers, his face is turned to Yoongi’s. They’re lying on opposite sides and there’s a little space between them but it feels like it’s filled with some kind of absurd pressure. If Yoongi knew better, he might have called it tension. He doesn’t say anything to that, he doesn’t really have anything to say and he’s nervous for some reason. His body is stiff, he’s trying to keep all his limbs to himself so as not to accidentally brush against the other boy. Seokjin seems to be the polar opposite of Yoongi in this moment because the older boy stretches out his legs under the cover and puts one over his. “You always look so sad. You never talk anymore either.” He continues, looking Yoongi in the eyes. The younger gulps, his entire body is burning just like he wanted but this is different. This is so different but it’s not unpleasant. Yoongi feels like he owes Seokjin, he knows he does. He owes him a lot. So he answers, with what he sees as an explanation.

“You sleep in his bed.” It’s not accusatory, it’s objective. Just an observation, just a statement - only it’s filled with so much sadness. It’s poignant to a fault.

“Whose?” Seokjin’s voice is so soft, it’s like the early morning whispers he would hear from his grandparent’s bedroom when he slept on the sofa. Calming, warm, something he wanted to hear all the time.

“Someone who left.” Yoongi whispers, broken. His voice, his look, and just him. All of him is broken. Seokjin wants to put him back together again, the best he can. He’s always been pretty good at puzzles.

“He might come back some day.” Yoongi knows that he should have been more specific, but he didn’t know Seokjin would say something like this. Something so painful, so stupid, so wrong.

“No, he’s never coming back.” Yoongi answers, dark and cold and bitter. He feels like he did before Seokjin came, angry and ashamed. Most of all, he’s hurt. “He chose to do it that way. He chose to leave us and make sure he never comes back.” Yoongi is crying silently now, his pillow is getting wet from the tears rolling off the side of his face. As if by some kind of instinct, Seokjin knows and reaches out a hand to wipe at them.

“Where did he go?” Seokjin asks. Yoongi doesn’t know if it’s because he’s curious or because he thinks it will help Yoongi to talk it out. He thinks it probably would, so he does.

“Out onto the road, right in front of a truck. Away from us.” Yoongi sniffles, more tears falling. Seokjin wipes those too, Yoongi notices his fingers are a little crooked. He likes it, he doesn’t know why. “Away from me, maybe.” Yoongi adds. Maybe it was time to tell someone, maybe they really could help. “Everyone leaves me. It has to be something I’m doing. Maybe it’s just me in general.” Suddenly Yoongi spills all the thoughts he’s had since the news. He tells Seokjin about the hatred, about how he wants to die too sometimes, he even tells him about how his grandmother left him the same way. He cries the whole time and Seokjin’s fingers reach out and catch every tear, and Yoongi can’t quite see it but he knows that there’s a sad smile on the boy’s face. He forgets all about his leg over his and the skin on skin contact because they’re both in basketball shorts. He forgets about the nerves. He just wants comfort, and he wants someone to stay. Seokjin is willing to do both, if only for tonight.

Yoongi doesn’t expect it, he never does, but when Seokjin reaches out his arms and moves closer Yoongi really doesn’t know what’s going on. It seems like a familiar situation, but at the same time like nothing ever before. He realizes fairly quickly that Seokjin is trying to hug him. Yoongi panics, because he’s only had two hugs in his life and the first was the most awkward. With Ms.Kim’s arms holding him tightly as she cried, but his limp at his sides and the impatient waiting of when she would let go. The second - with Seunghyun, fuck - too sad, even if Yoongi hugged back. He panics, and tries to move away but Seokjin’s arms are longer and he’s already pulling him in and Yoongi realizes that this isn’t exactly a hug. Seokin is just holding him, Yoongi’s face is in his neck and he isn’t breathing, he’s not sure why but he can’t get himself to start now either.

“I’ll stay with you.” Seokjin half mumbles into Yoongi’s hair. Yoongi is caught off guard with the phrasing, almost as if Seokjin knew exactly what he wanted all along. Almost as if the only reason he came here is to fulfill it.

“For tonight?” Yoongi asks, paranoid and nervous. Much too anxious, so very comfortable in the older’s arms. He can’t really get over how warm it is. He’ll fall asleep any minute now.

“For tonight, and tomorrow, and the day after that. I’ll stay with you, Yoongi. So stay with me too.” Yoongi doesn’t know what to say to that. There’s no thank you that would do, and it doesn’t seem right in the situation. So Yoongi just nuzzles in, adjusts himself and waits for sleep to take him again when he hears a soft sound. A sound so beautiful, Yoongi almost cries again. It’s better than Seokjin’s laugh, and the hushed whispers. It’s the best sound in the world, it must be. Yoongi pretends to be asleep as he listens to Seokjin singing some lullaby he can’t really recognize, and his voice is that of an angel. Yoongi wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly what he turned out to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahaha it took so long to update! I'm sorry! I started my last year of high school and it's hectic. But I really wanted to update it today, and I'll be updating again soon. Maybe even next weekend. I hope you liked it, I'm sorry it was shorter than the previous chapter. I just really thought I said all there is to say for this chapter and wanted to leave it here. 
> 
> Seokjin, I love making him as the motherly/big brother character who just knows exactly what to do. But of course, he can't be like that all the time...
> 
> title from Stay by Daryl Ong


	3. kick and scream, and bite, and bleed (and make believe it's just a dream)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He shuts his eyes, praying to whatever is out there that he’s just going to be beaten again like always. Yoongi isn’t so lucky, he never has been. He’s never screamed in his life, but perhaps he would have started now - if he didn’t think of the younger children just next door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING SEMI GRAPHIC RAPE SCENE
> 
> This is... well, it's the Heavy Angst. Most of it. But there's going to be more. I told you it's a painful fic. 
> 
> Chapter Title from Bleed For You by Hiding In Plain View

At the end of the third week Yoongi is away from school, Seokjin tells him he needs to go. The shorter boy doesn’t agree. He’s still very much sticking to his opinion that school doesn’t matter, that school can’t do anything for him. Seokjin thinks there’s a lot school can do for anyone, especially people like them. He says it like that, ‘people like them’, something about it makes Yoongi want to scoff.

He’s started talking more, even if it’s only to Seokjin and sometime the younger ones when he feels like it. He’s gotten to know the two new girls a little more. He knows their birthdays, their favorite color, what kinds of toys are their favorites. He knows that Jungyeon is a lot like him, quiet and tougher than most kids. Smarter than most kids. He also knows that Momo tries to be like Jungyeon, but inside she’s scared and sensitive.

His observations prove true when one day Seokjin is out of the house, Yoongi would be lying if that doesn’t worry him because Seunghyun left the house and never came back but Yoongi trusts Seokjin because he told him he’d stay and no one has ever done that before. Chan and Jisoo are taking afternoon naps after a long game of tag with everyone. Yoongi doesn’t really like running but he played along because Seokjin asked him to, saying the younger kids need something to keep them grounded. Yoongi cleans the kitchen after a quick lunch that Seokjin had put together with some of the food that they had left. They receive packages at their door on the first of every month, a big box full of food and hygiene supplies and clothes that never quite fit right on anyone, they have to make it all last until the next drop off. As he put the last dish in the drying rack, he heard a soft sobbing coming from the bedroom hallways.

A strong feeling of anxiety starts to overtake him, it’s too much like the day he came home to find Seunghyun in the bathroom. It’s too much like the day that caused Seunghyun to leave, but he knows that Seokjin isn’t home and that means that one of the younger kids is crying. In a messed up way, that eases Yoongi’s mind since they cry a lot more often and for smaller reasons. Reasons that Yoongi could chase away. It eases his anxiety because he knows he can make them stop. He opens the door to the boy’s bedroom first and finds Chan and Jisoo napping like when he last saw them on the same bed with their limbs spread like starfish and tangled over each other. He smiles a little, happy that these two have always had each other.

They came to the orphanage at the same time, like Seokjin with Jungyeon and Momo. Jisoo has always tried to take care of Chan, worrying over him in the way small girls worry over dolls they’re attached to.

Yoongi had come to the orphanage when the only other resident was Seunghyun. The older boy didn’t talk at all then, never even looked at Yoongi. There was always something dark hiding in his eyes, and Yoongi remembers hearing him crying a lot at night. Usually it was the nights that Yoongi would see the caretaker ask him or yell at him to come to his room. Sometimes Seunghyun tried to resist, but he always ended up going in there and coming out looking sadder than before. Yoongi figures he was beaten on those nights, or maybe made to share the caretaker’s disgusting drug habits. He still doesn’t understand. He’s too young, as Seunghyun said.

He pulls the door closed carefully, so as not to make loud noise and wake the kids. Next he stands outside the girl’s bedroom, and it’s clear that the sobbing is coming from in here in a few seconds. He gingerly pushes open the white, chipped door and peeks in to find Momo with her small face buried in her folded in legs with Jungyeon crouched beside her petting her hair gently. Jungyeon is the one to look up and notice Yoongi, her face is neutral but her eyes show the concern for her best friend. Yoongi steps in, pulling the door closed behind him and slowly approaches the two distraught girls.

“Momo?” He asks, looking down at the small girl, noticing her body shaking as more sobs escape her pouting lips. He’s found that talking helps calm people, or make someone a little happier. He’s caught Seokjin smiling more times than he can count when Yoongi started to have small conversations with the others. The brunette looks up with wet eyes, red cheeks and a running nose and when she sees him she sniffles and shrinks into herself more. Jungyeon moves closer to her, almost protectively - almost covering Momo so that Yoongi can’t reach her. “What happened?” Yoongi knows better than to ask ‘what’s wrong’ in this place because _everything_ is wrong _all_ the time. Momo hides her face deeper into her legs, but Jungyeon stands and moves to the door looking back at Yoongi with the same neutral expression. He follows her, stopping in front of her.

“He touched her.” Jungyeon says, and there’s something to her voice that’s different. It sounds like maybe she’s holding in tears too, it sounds like anger.

“What?” Yoongi says, because he doesn’t really understand who she’s talking about. Seokjin touched all of them often, usually to help with something or even to give a hug. It’s not anything that Yoongi can imagine someone crying over. Then he thinks of the caretaker, and the faint memory of hearing what sounded like his door unlocking and opening earlier when he was washing the dishes. He pales, which is a sight to see considering how pale the boy is already, and looks directly into Jungyeon’s eyes. He thinks he sees the answer in them already, that the feeling in his core is rightfully there and that if his stomach turned then it wouldn’t be for nothing. He’s the oldest in the house right now, it’s his job to take everything that hurts the others - and he’s failed. “He hit her?” His voice is quiet, and dull like he’s talking about something he isn’t interested in. That’s only because he has to distance himself enough to figure out what to do, before he burns and takes that fucker down with him. Jungyeon’s face changes, her lips downturn and she looks at him with eyes that are pleading ‘don’t make me say it’. Yoongi doesn’t understand, until he does. Suddenly he knows why the caretaker took Seunghyun to his room, why Seunghyun cried so much, maybe even why he killed himself. Yoongi’s body almost moves on its own as he storms out of the bedroom, and right up to the caretaker’s door. He pounds on it with all the force a seven year old can muster - and that’s the thing, he’s only seven. Seunghyun was only thirteen, and Momo is four. She’s four.

 _‘She’s three!’_ He remembers Seunghyun yelling, as the belt came down again and again and Jisoo cowered with Yoongi as they watched in morbid amazement. It’s like he’s been in the dark all this time and now there’s a light, but all he sees around him is wrong and he almost wishes that he never did. He thinks about Seunghyun again, naked on the bathroom floor with the blood on his thighs. It makes sense, sickening and dizzying sense and Yoongi pounds harder. The door jerks open and the caretaker looks at him with his glassy eyes and kicks him. He kicks him so hard that Yoongi flies back a few feet and lands in the middle of the hallway, gasping and clutching at his chest where the man’s foot connected. He’s lifted up by a firm and painful grip on his arm, and dragged into the dark and foul smelling room. He shuts his eyes, praying to whatever is out there that he’s just going to be beaten again like always. Yoongi isn’t so lucky, he never has been. He’s never screamed in his life, but perhaps he would have started now - if he didn’t think of the younger children just next door.

 _‘We’re the oldest. We have to look out for the others,Yoongi. You have to be a big boy.’_ Seunghyun’s voice reminds him, sounding so close and real that it almost comforts him. Yoongi has to be a big boy, for the sake of the others. It’s for the best, and so Yoongi gives in. He doesn’t scream when the caretaker tugs his pants down in one jerking motion and presses him into the dirty, creaking bed ramming the small male again and again with his disgusting body. He doesn’t resist when the pain spreads through his lower back, searing and sharp as if he’s being torn in two right between his legs. The tears rolling from his eyes aren’t from pity or distress, only from the pain. Yoongi tells himself that this is okay, because it’s better that it’s him. He wouldn’t want Momo, Chan or - god forbid - his new friend, Seokjin to experience this. Yes, it’s better that it’s him. He tries to block out the lewd sounds sounding from the slap of wet skin against his thighs, the panting - growling, and the shame coursing through him. He thinks about Seunghyun, and decides he would be proud of him. Yoongi smiles, ever so slightly with his cheek pressed against the yellowing sheets and the caretaker notices.

“Slutty little boy, hmm?” The grown man mouths against the spot right under Yoongi’s ear and the boy shivers, the caretaker takes it for pleasure - takes it as a yes. He pounds harder, like Yoongi’s fist against the door when this all started. “Look how much you like it. Are you going to cum all over yourself?” Yoongi doesn’t even know what that means, let alone think that he wants to do it. There’s something about the way the caretaker says it that makes him sick, along with the new smell rising in the room. It’s not overwhelming but Yoongi can’t take it, because he’s smelled it before. In that bathroom, with Seunghyun. The blood on his thighs is now on Yoongi’s, like some disturbing blood brother contract. He wonders how messed up he must be if he likes the idea of that. The warm thin stream dripping down and staining the sheets beneath red is joined with a thicker substance running right out of Yoongi as he hears a final moan from the man above him.

The sound haunts him in his nightmares, throaty and gross. Yoongi tries not to sleep anymore, anything to avoid the disgusting noise but even when he’s awake - he _hears_ things. Sometimes it sounds like one of the girls, mocking him. Sometimes it sounds like Seokjin telling him he’s leaving because who could stay with someone so disgusting. Sometimes like Seunghyun, it’s this voice that gets to Yoongi the most, he sounds so real.

 

Yoongi is waiting for Seokjin to make dinner one night, sitting on the old couch and trying to sort out his thoughts. He’s gotten quieter lately, only talking when absolutely necessary which has grown less and less common. No one really talks to him anymore, leaving him to himself. Even Seokjin’s concerned looks have faded, he’s focusing more on school. Yoongi still hasn’t gone back, claiming he has to keep the kids safe while Seokjin is gone. It didn’t take long for Seokjin to stop trying. It didn’t take long for Seokjin to stop caring. Yoongi knows. He knows he’s meant to be alone now, he can be the backstage hero. He doesn’t need the recognition. He just wants to keep the people he cares about safe. He’s picking at his nails, expression growing darker and darker as Seokjin stirs the pot of stew. It’s made of all the ingredients they have left, somehow Seokjin manages to make even that mess taste good. Yoongi tries to keep his breath steady, not giving away the anxiety crawling through him and suddenly he’s tearing at his hair and gritting his teeth so hard it’s making an awful noise. Seokjin snaps around, watching Yoongi with wide eyes full of terror. He doesn’t forget to turn off the stove as he runs over to the tormented figure, curling in on himself on the couch cushions.

“Yoongi, what is it? What’s wrong? What hurts? Where does it hurt?” Seokjin is rambling, trying to lift his clothes to search for the distressors.

Yoongi slaps his hands away, harshly and yells out. “Don’t touch me!” Seokjin looks hurt, but he backs away just enough so that he can keep an eye on the boy panting heavily and slamming his palms over his ears as if trying to block out something horrendous. He yells again, “I can’t do it!” His throat is growing hoarse, his voice breaking and tears spill over. “You do it then!” Yoongi continues, Seokjin’s terror grows because it’s clear now that Yoongi isn’t talking to him but there’s no one else in the room.

The older boy’s voice shakes as he tries to ask, “W-who are you-” before Yoongi interrupts, yelling louder - nearly screeching.

“I’m not you, Seunghyun!” Seokjin’s lips part, his brows furrow. He knows that name, he’s heard it many times back when he’d calm Yoongi from his nightmares before the younger grew distant and jumpy. Seokjin didn’t feel comfortable climbing into his bed after that.

“Seunghyun’s not here, Yoongi.” Seokjin tries talking to the boy softly, reaching out a hand again to try stroking his hair this time. That always seemed to comfort him most before, but Yoongi thrashes about whimpering and sobbing.

“I can’t kill him.” He isn’t yelling this time, his voice is soft. It sounds like an apology, like he’s sorry to say so.

“Kill who? Seunghyun is already dead, Yoongi. He’s gone.” Seokjin attempts to get closer again, wanting to wrap his arms around the smaller boy. He knows that he blames himself, but it seemed he had gotten better. Something changed a few weeks ago, Seokjin had come back from shopping to find that Yoongi had uncharacteristically locked himself in one of the bedrooms telling the younger kids no one was allowed to come in. Seokjin didn’t honestly expect himself to be included in that, but over time he found that it applied to him most. Yoongi looks scared around him, sometimes angry. So Seokjin learned to stay away, even on nights he heard Yoongi crying in his sleep again. Even if it hurt him.

“I can’t kill him. In his room, I don’t want to go there again.” Yoongi’s eyes are far away, his voice muffled as he talks to himself. Then a choked sob escapes again, more tears rolling down the broken boy’s cheeks as he rocks himself back and forth. “Please, I’m not strong enough. I’m not strong enough for all of us.”

“You’re strong, Yoongi.” Seokjin whispers, drawing the boy to his side easily. He is calmed, like a child that was in the sniffling stage of a tantrum. Yoongi begins pushing against Seokjin’s arm again, desperately trying to pull away but Seokjin holds him firm - after all, _physically_ Seokjin was stronger. “I’ll stay with you.”

Yoongi’s eyes seem to snap open, alert and recognizing. He pushes harder, starting to claw down the older’s arm. Seokjin winces and backs away. Yoongi jumps off the couch, staring at Seokjin as he stands to the side. “Don’t touch me. I’m dirty.”

“Dirty?” Seokjin stands up as well, stepping closer. “Yoongi, you’re fine. You’re not dirty. Why do you think that? You’re fine, Yoongi.”

“I can’t kill him!” Yoongi shouts again, but this time it is definitely directed at Seokjin.

“Who, Yoongi? I don’t understand.”

“That man.” Yoongi falls to his knees, looking down the hallway at the closed door everyone avoids. The door everyone stays away from, until that night Yoongi decided not to and got what was coming to him - what he deserved, more than anyone. Seokjin followed his line of sight, eyes widening again in shock. Sure, no one could say they liked the awful excuse of a human being. Sometimes Seokjin wondered if there was a single person in the world that could like someone like that, but murder had not crossed any of their minds. Maybe because the others were too young, and Seokjin was too reasonable. He looks at Yoongi again, paler than usual with puffy eyes and scratches from his own nails on his chin.

“Who are you talking to?” Seokjin asks, warily, looking at the younger.

“He’s in my head.”

“Who?”

“Seunghyun. He wants me to kill that man. For what he did to us.” Yoongi’s eyes are distant again, but jerky. As if someone is listening in, someone he doesn’t want there.

Seokjin’s face falls, bile rising in his throat. “What did he… do?”

Yoongi looks up from the ground, smiles the slightest bit just like before when it was _happening_ and tells him.

Seokjin’s world darkens around the edges, like a vignette filter, and falls from under him. The noise in his ears sounds like the strange workings of underwater movement, the calm under the waves.

Seokjin’s own voice filters in through the white noise, ‘ _I’ll stay with you.’_

Then Yoongi’s whisper _, ‘For tonight?’_

_‘For tonight, and tomorrow, and the day after that. I’ll stay with you, Yoongi.’_

Kim Seokjin had always been a reasonable boy. Mature for his age, responsible, kind and smart - if a bit awkward - but Kim Seokjin is a liar.

Kim Seokjin lied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry Yoongi, bb. I love you. Your mixtape was great, the MV was just the right amount of edgy. 
> 
> I'm just a fucked up person who writes about horrible things. 
> 
> I swear I love BTS. I swear.


	4. i've treated you unkindly, but darlin' can't you see (there's no one more important to me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoongi shook his head, it was all he could do for now. Even if he wanted to forgive Seokjin, he wasn’t in the right state of mind to do that now but the acknowledgement was enough for Seokjin at the moment and he stood from the old swing holding out a hand to Yoongi. The younger took it, and they walked to the school gates together, only parting ways when it was time to go to their classes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I was rereading the other chapters. Guys I made some real awful mistakes with TIME, like ages and what grades people are in! But I fixed them all, and now I have it all figured out. It took a little while to write this chapter but now I'm really happy with it so it's totally worth it. 
> 
> I hope you all like it too. 
> 
> Chapter Title from A Song For You by Amy Winehouse

Seokjin starts to spend more time at school, taking on things like clubs or going out with classmates when asked. He’s a handsome boy, and well liked by the school. The orphanage notices his absence, the younger residents whining about how there’s never anyone to play with anymore or that they’re hungry. Seokjin isn’t there to play or cook anymore, but mostly Seokjin just isn’t there and Yoongi knows it’s because of him. 

After the frightening ‘confession to commit premeditated murder’ incident, Yoongi hasn’t said a word to anyone. In fact, he’s gone back to his unfeeling self back before even Ms.Kim had broken through to him. Except that he’s not as unfeeling as he seems, he’s just learned to keep it all inside because it’s become clear no one cares anyway so why should be he bother. Yoongi doesn’t smile or laugh anymore, even if it was rare before - it did happen, and he doesn’t cry - at least in front of anyone. Still no one sees it, but Yoongi is scared. He’s terrified most of the time, because Seunghyun won’t leave him alone and the young boy has tried to tell him to leave. He’s tried to scream inside his own mind that he isn’t going to listen to his friend anymore, because he’s not his friend. He’s dead, and he doesn’t know who’s talking to him. He doesn’t know if the voice is real, or if he’s just gone insane. He doesn’t want to admit that it’s probably the latter, and that’s why Seokjin left.

Sometimes Seunghyun tries to get Yoongi to be mad at that, at Seokjin, because he left. Yoongi doesn’t bother to mention of what a hypocritical thing to say that is, when Seunghyun did it first. Still, sometimes he almost gives in because Seunghyun does make at least one valid point each time he brings it up. Seunghyun never promised to stay, and Seokjin did. Seokjin didn’t just leave, he lied. Yoongi composes himself enough to chase away the boiling of his blood, he doesn’t want to blame anyone but himself. It’s his fault. It’s always his fault.

Seokjin walks in at a quarter past six on a Friday, to find Yoongi reading a book on the couch. Seokjin’s seen it before, lying around the boy’s bedroom in a pile of stuff that someone he had never known personally left behind. He doesn’t know why, but he tries to talk to him. It’s the first time since that day nearly three weeks ago and Seokjin thinks that he’s probably a horrible person for thinking it’s okay to pretend that nothing happened - but he’s already doing it.

“What’s that?” His voice doesn’t sound like his for some reason, and his tone doesn’t come out as warm and sweet as he intended. In opposite, it comes out sounding cold and mean, like he had found Yoongi stealing or looking at inappropriate things. Yoongi looks up in surprise, not used to hearing that voice directed at him anymore. He’s only heard Seokjin talk when the younger ones bother him first. He doesn’t say anything back, just lifts the book with the cover facing Seokjin so that he can read the title.

“Tuck Everlasting?” Seokjin says distantly, reading it out loud. “Isn’t that kind of a big book for a second grader?” Seokjin wants to hit himself for a second, because everything he’s been saying has come out judgemental and disapproving - and  _ mean _ . He never wanted to be mean to Yoongi, he never meant to hurt him. But he already has, and he guesses that part of him just wants to keep going even if the other part wants to scream ‘ _ This isn’t me. I don’t know what to say to you. I’m just scared. _ ’ Instead Seokjin says, “Oh, well you haven’t been a second grader in over a month now anyway. I guess even kids that don’t go to school like to read.” Seokjin thinks that he sees Yoongi’s brows furrow, thinks he sees the kid show emotion for once in the time they’ve been apart, but it’s gone as soon as it comes.

Seokjin sighs, puts his backpack by the kitchen entrance and goes in to start dinner. He’s peeling potatoes when he hears a soft sobbing. He peeks his head out around the archway to find Yoongi gripping the book, open with the pages to his chest, and he’s crying.

“What’s the matter?” This time Seokjin’s voice is like it always had been before all this mess, soft and careful and warming. Yoongi notices the change as well, and the longing to have him back overtakes him and he holds the book out to him without a word but pushing it forward until Seokjin takes it with a confused expression and looks at the pages. He sees it, rather quick - anyone would have, the underlined passage with the even more emphasized ending sentence.

_ Winnie blinked, and all at once her mind was drowned with understanding of what he was saying. For she—yes, even she—would go out of the world willy-nilly someday. Just go out, like the flame of a candle, and no use protesting. It was a certainty. She would try very hard not to think of it, but sometimes, as now, it would be forced upon her. She raged against it, helpless and insulted, and blurted at last,  _ **_"I don't want to die."_ **

Seokjin looks up from the page quickly, to stare at Yoongi who can’t calm himself down but he’s mouthing something. One phrase over and over, and when Seokjin focuses in on it he can make out the words, “I’m sorry.” Seokjin’s heart breaks and all the guilt and regret floods him. He should have stayed with him, should have stroked his hair when he woke up from the nightmares because Seokjin had been awake for it all just staring in the enveloping darkness at the shadow of a boy he used to consider a friend - a brother really - crying as silently as he could. Seokjin should have stayed, but he was too scared because Yoongi was hearing something he couldn’t and it reminded him of his mother before he was taken away. It reminded him of how she’d walk around the house, screaming at him to not sit there because Sangmin or Dongju liked that spot. Names no one ever knew, except for her. Seokjin was afraid to face that again, to be left out of the picture as they struggled with what was in their minds.

“It’s not your fault, Yoongi.” He starts, knowing that it wouldn’t actually do anything for the boy but he has to try this time. Yoongi just cries harder, curling his knees against him and pressing his face into his knees as his shoulders shook hysterically. “I’m here, Yoongi.” Seokjin thinks he’s probably a horrible person to say something like that, an incredibly arrogant person for thinking that he could be the answer to this - even after leaving him all alone so abruptly when he must have needed someone the most, but it works. Yoongi calms a little, still crying and still shaking but he’s settling down, so Seokjin reaches out and hugs him just like he used to. He moves his hand up and strokes his hair, just like he used to. Yoongi calms, just like he used to, but he doesn’t speak or even hug back. Still, he doesn’t move away so Seokjin hugs him until Yoongi stops crying and looks at him. And then, he says “Sorry.”

Yoongi doesn’t say anything back. 

 

The Monday morning Seokjin wakes up to go back to school, he finds Yoongi already out of bed and dressed in the living room. A flicker of hope flashes inside him, because the smaller boy hasn’t been out of bed before three in the afternoon for weeks.

“Good morning,” Seokjin says with a smile that he really means with all his heart, as he starts pulling out eggs from the refrigerator for breakfast. The younger ones are still asleep, and Seokjin doesn’t bother to wake them until he’s done. Yoongi eats his breakfast enthusiastically, scarfing down the food as fast as he can before he looks at the clock on the wall above them and jumps up and out the door with a bag on his back. Everyone stares in amazement, before Jungyeon says “I think he missed school.” Momo giggles, and holds on to her arm lightly as Jungyeon smiles at the touch.

Seokjin replies with, “He must have, he’s left an hour early.” and everyone laughs, although Chan only does so because everyone else is. He’s much too sleepy to understand what’s going on, and as soon as Seokjin puts away all the dishes and tells everyone to wait for Yoongi and him to return, he’s back to bed in a hurry.

 

Seokjin is surprised to find Yoongi stopped at a playground about halfway between their school and the orphanage, looking at his feet and swinging from side to side lazily.

“Realized you left too early?” Seokjin smiles, as he settles into the swing next to him. Yoongi shrugs in response. “Why did you decide to go back to school?” Seokjin presses. Yoongi just shrugs again, his eyes never leaving his ratty shoes that make his toes hurt a little. “I guess I deserve the silent treatment.” Seokjin leans back and looks at the sky. “I hope you’ll talk to me eventually, I kinda miss your voice.” Yoongi doesn’t look up, just keeps swinging from side to side as if Seokjin hadn’t said anything at all. “You remind me of my mom.” Seokjin whispers, still looking at the sky.

The weather is nice, it’s warm with a slight breeze. It’s the first of March, and Yoongi’s birthday is coming up. Chan’s was last month, the boy had been so happy to see Seokjin make cookies just for the newly named two year old. Yoongi hadn’t felt anything, even though he knows he should have. Jisoo’s birthday had been just after that, and she had been even more excited to turn four. Yoongi thinks it’s probably because she was happy to get close to the age to be able to finally go to school. Kids from the orphanage start from first grade, not kindergarten. He also noticed the way she’d look at Chan from time to time. He knew the young girl would miss her companion, just as much as he would miss her. He should have felt something at that too, but he just hadn’t. He’d lost his ability to feel just as easily as he’d gained it, and it irritated him on the inside all the time. He just wanted to be normal. Still, like that was possible now - with him hearing the voice of his dead friend telling him to do unspeakable things to people he did and didn’t care for.

“Do you know why?” Yoongi decided to look up this time, to look at Seokjin, because he was genuinely interested this time. Seokjin had always reminded him of a mom for the orphanage, so how is it that Yoongi reminded the domestic boy of his own mother  instead? “She heard them too.” Yoongi’s heart sank. Of course, it’s because they both weren’t normal. What else was Yoongi expecting? “She talked to herself all the time, made me feel so lonely. I got taken away when she couldn’t take care of me. Not when she worried about people that didn’t actually exist more than her own son.” Yoongi stares at Seokjin, who’s looking back at him with a sad smile. “I know it doesn’t fix anything, but I was just scared to feel that way again. Like I mattered less than that. That I  _ didn’t _ matter.” Yoongi shook his head, it was all he could do for now. Even if he wanted to forgive Seokjin, he wasn’t in the right state of mind to do that now but the acknowledgement was enough for Seokjin at the moment and he stood from the old swing holding out a hand to Yoongi. The younger took it, and they walked to the school gates together, only parting ways when it was time to go to their classes.

 

Ms.Kim was the most surprised to see Yoongi back, giving him a smile as he settled back into his old desk. The other kids had settled down after the initial minute or so of shock, going back to not caring about the pale boy’s existence in the back of the class.

“Yoongi, it’s so good to see you back. You’ve missed a lot while you were absent. I think we’ll need to talk at lunch, don’t you?” Ms.Kim said as she walked up to his desk, her voice was unfamiliar now. Yoongi couldn’t imagine why he ever liked it. The woman just irritated him now, makes him feel like he’s less than he already believes he is. He doesn’t acknowledge her but she goes back to teaching anyway and when it’s lunch time, she pulls him over as he expects. “I’m sorry to tell you, buddy, but you’re going to have to repeat the grade. You were gone for too long.” Yoongi had known that something like this would happen, after all he was gone for months. Half the year, at least, but then again what was the appropriate amount of time people could take off mourning their friend’s suicide and their own rape? No one knew anything about Yoongi. They probably just thought he had caught a bad case of the flu or bronchitis. That would have at least explained why he refused to talk again. “That’s okay. We can get to know each other even better with a whole year ahead of us. Isn’t that great?” Her smile wasn’t genuine, it was the smile all adults gave kids. The smile that they were expected to give. Yoongi just stared ahead, and eventually Ms.Kim let him run off.

 

Lunch had always been just an annoyance to Yoongi, other than the free food he received, always standing in the way of the day ending. Although, today was different. Today he could spend lunch with Seokjin, even if they wouldn’t talk. First and second grade had lunch together, then third and fourth, and the fifth graders ate with the kindergartners that weren’t picked up and had to stay behind for the bus. Yoongi walks out into the sterile looking lunchroom, searching for the tall brunette and eventually finding him sitting with a dark haired boy shorter than Seokjin but still taller than Yoongi. The boy sitting next to Seokjin looks older, and that makes Yoongi a little jealous. He’s not sure of what, whether he wants Seokjin for himself or an older friend. Maybe Yoongi just wants a friend. A friend that’s normal, that doesn’t live at the orphanage, a friend that’s not  _ ‘people like us’ _ . He approaches the table, and when Seokjin meets eyes with him he seems to pale. Yoongi immediately regrets coming over, and nearly stops and turns around to walk in the other direction but Seokjin owes him this. Yoongi isn’t sure if he’s forgiven him, but how can he ever forgive him if he doesn’t spend time with him? So he walks over, and he sits down across from them and nods at the new boy next to Seokjin.

“Who’s this?” The dark haired boy asks. He doesn’t say it in a mean way, just like he’s actually interested but Seokjin answers nervously.

“This is-” he pauses, side eyeing Yoongi before he continues, “Min Yoongi. We grew up together, our parents are friends.” Seokjin’s gaze looks pleading, and Yoongi understands why he lied in the first place but it’s not like Yoongi will talk anyway. He just nods again, but Seokjin doesn’t relax.

“Well aren’t you going to introduce  _ me _ , you brat?” And the older boy pulls Seokjin into a headlock, rubbing his fist into Seokjin’s hair and messing it up. Yoongi is in awe, no one’s ever treated Seokjin like a kid before. They all look up to him at home, he’s untouchable, but now here he is in a headlock with his hair in disarray and an annoyed frown on his face. The boy releases Seokjin, and looks between him and Yoongi expectantly. “Go on.” Yoongi sees Seokjin gulp, sees that this must be why he’s so tense - but why would that be? It’s just a name.

“This is Lee Seunghyun.” Seokjin says quietly, looking past Yoongi somewhere far above his head.  _ Oh _ , now Yoongi understands and he feels sick. The world seems to be spinning, and his stomach is turning. If he had wanted to eat in the first place, he certainly doesn’t now.

“Whoa, Yoongi. You alright? You don’t look so good.” Seunghyun, but not  _ his _ Seunghyun, asks him and Yoongi shakes his head no. There’s no point in lying about that, he can’t keep his composure. That name, it’s haunting him.  _ He’s _ haunting him. He hears his voice again, loud in his ears and unwelcome.

‘ _ Wow, look at that. Maybe I can be replaced that easily. _ ’ Yoongi mouths ‘no’, and then ‘I’m sorry’. He puts his arms up to his head again, shutting his eyes tightly.

‘ _ Sure, look at him. He’s obviously not much younger than me, just as handsome. No one needs me. Good thing I’m gone, huh, Yoongi? Good think you killed me. Not like you can’t kill the caretaker. I’m an easier target, right? _ ’ Yoongi’s gritting his teeth again. He’s sure he’s messed everything up. He should have stayed away, he should have let Seokjin have a friend. Now he’s going to mess everything up again. It’s his fault, it’s all his fault. Always his fault. Yoongi wants to cry. Suddenly there’s something warm and solid around him, fingers gripping his arms and trying to raise him out of the seat. Yoongi opens his eyes to find Seokjin looking at him with worry, pulling at him and feet pointed towards the exit. He gives in and follows Seokjin, trying to block out Seunghyun’s barrages.

The other Seunghyun watches them go in concern, shouting after them “I hope everything will be okay.” Yoongi does too.

 

“Yoongi, can you hear me?” Seokjin whispers, moving quickly down the hallways in the direction of the offices. Yoongi can’t figure out where he’s taking him, maybe to be kicked out of the school. He wouldn’t blame him. He nods lightly to answer his question and hears him sigh loudly. “Good. That’s good. I was so worried.” Yoongi can’t help but hang on to the last phrase. He’s worried, about him. Seokjin cares. They stop in front of a green door that has a red cross on the front of it and Seokjin knocks. Yoongi knows this door, he’s been here once before with Ms.Kim -  when Seunghyun was alive and proud of him because he didn’t eat the lollipop himself. The door opens and Yoongi sees the familiar face, the handsome nurse that the young boy still isn’t sure whether he should like or not. He lets them in, brows close together and asks Seokjin what’s wrong. He already knows, Yoongi doesn’t talk.

“He’s having some kind of panic attack.” Seokjin explains, revealing as little information as he can and Yoongi is grateful for that because he’d rather the least amount of people possible knew about his insanity. “Can you just let him rest here for a while?” The nurse looks at Yoongi, sweating and shaking, gritting his teeth painfully.

He nods, and then adds “You can stay with him. Looks like he could use a friend.”

“Yeah. I’ll stay.” Seokjin says, and the nurse steps out of the room to give them a bit of privacy. It looks like he’s had experiences with this before. Yoongi wonders how many kids in the school hear voices that aren’t actually there. He  _ has _ to be the only one. “Yoongi.” Seokjin’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts. “Look at me. Listen to my voice, Yoongi.” Seokjin puts his hand firmly on Yoongi’s shoulder. Yoongi does what he says, forces his eyes to meet Seokjin’s. There’s so much concern in them, so much care and love. Yoongi feels so guilty, and angry at himself. Why couldn’t he have let Seokjin pretend to be normal? Why did he have to go and mess everything up like always?

“I’m sorry.” Yoongi croaks out, tears spilling down his cheek. “I didn’t mean to. I-” he’s cut off. Seokjin brings him into a tight hug, squeezing until Yoongi thinks his breath might be a bit too shallow to be healthy. This time Yoongi hugs back, just as tight as Seokjin is hugging him. He revels in the warmth, in the affection he’s being given.

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” Seokjin is crying too, Yoongi can feel the tears drip onto his shirt. “I didn’t know if you’d be at lunch. I think I kind of hoped you wouldn’t be.” Yoongi’s breath catches in his throat, and as if Seokjin can read his mind he pulls him back and looks at him sternly. “Not because I don’t want to see you. I just knew that if you met,” he pauses, “my friend, that it would be hard for you. I didn’t want to put you through that. I should have been more careful.” Yoongi can’t believe it. All this time that he’s been worrying about messing up Seokjin’s friendship, he’s always just been worried about him. He cries more, but this time more out of that warm feeling he hasn’t felt in a while. It’s overwhelming him. He wonders what it is. When Yoongi and Seokjin both stop crying, they just sit on the leather covered bed in the office, quiet for a moment. “You talked.” Seokjin says softly, a slight smile at the edges of his mouth. Yoongi nods, and then remembers that people seem to feel better when he talks.

“Yeah.” He doesn’t know why, but he has something he’s wanted to say for a while. “My birthday is in eight days.” Seokjin laughs, rests his arm on top of Yoongi’s shoulder and pulls him closer to his side.

“Vanilla or chocolate?” Seokjin asks.

“Huh?”

“For your birthday cake.” Yoongi feels the warm feeling enveloping him again, he hopes it stays a little longer this time.

“Chocolate.” Seokjin hums in acknowledgement. “Seokjin?”

“Yeah?”

“I have to repeat the grade.” He doesn’t know why, but he feels a bit ashamed at admitting that to Seokjin. The boy is barely older than him, only by a few months, but he feels like an authority. He takes care of them, he’s the oldest.

“That’s alright. I know you’re smart. Now you can just get the full experience of second grade next year.” Seokjin smiles and pats Yoongi on the back supportingly. The door opens again, and they expect to see the nurse walk back in but instead Seunghyun appears with the same look of concern from before. When he sees Yoongi, looking a lot less sickly and a lot more happy, he gives him a warm smile and walks over to ruffle his hair.

“I was worried about you, kid. Glad to see you’re alright.” Yoongi is in awe. This person doesn’t care that he’s insane, this person was worried about him. “Lunch is almost over, but I figured I’d pop in.”

“Why?” Yoongi can’t help but ask. Seunghyun laughs, and Seokjin smiles between the two.

“Any friend of Seokjin’s is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you, Min Yoongi. I’m Lee Seunghyun. Let’s be friends.” He holds out his hand, and Yoongi takes it. They shake hands and when they pull their hands back, Yoongi is almost smiling. He thinks if he gives it a little more time, he might be able to - because this boy is Seunghyun, and he’s not  _ his _ Seunghyun but that’s okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages of Chacters in this Chapter (oldest to youngest):   
> Choi Seunghyun (kinda) - 13  
> Lee Seunghyun - 10  
> Kim Seokjin - just turned 8   
> Min Yoongi - 7, almost 8  
> Jungyeon - 4   
> Momo - 4  
> Jisoo - just turned 4  
> Chan - just turned 2
> 
> Yoongi is going to be HAPPY for once. Expect a lot more fluffiness and humor in the next chapters guys, the worst of it is pretty much over. I swear. 
> 
> HAPPINESS DAMMIT! COME HERE, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU! 
> 
> I hope you like it. . ~ . 
> 
> love you all my lovely readers, stay beautiful and keep rocking


	5. and I have seen the darkest heart of humanity (and i truly believe that we are capable of good as well)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoongi is crying - but he is also smiling, and it’s all so new and he wishes it would never end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title from Andrew Jackson Jihad - You Don't Deserve Yourself
> 
> This chapter took five years to put up HAHAHAHAHA well more like three weeks or so? I dunno. I lost track of time. I had so much school and stress and friend stuff to care for. 
> 
> But I am happy with this chapter, because it is a pretty happy chapter over all especially. A new character is introduced. Some of yall might know him and where he's from, hmm? ;) 
> 
> It ended up being so much longer than I intended at first, but I'm cool with it. It's nearly 5000 words tho. Maybe that's a good thing. 
> 
> I hope it makes yall happy. I hope it was worth the wait.

Yoongi’s birthday is the next Friday after the ‘Seunghyun’ incident, and his birthday cake is chocolate just like Seokjin promised. Yoongi struggles with the answer when the night before Seokjin asks him if he’d like Seunghyun to attend. He doesn’t know if he wants anyone seeing what he was, doesn’t know if Seunghyun would still be friends with Seokjin knowing he’s an orphan in such a disgusting place. He doesn’t want to ruin anything, but he does want a friend. Seunghyun said he was his friend, so Yoongi tells Seokjin to invite him but the older refuses. 

“You’re going to invite him, Yoongi.” Seokjin smiles at the shorter boy, and that smile reminds Yoongi of a mother he never actually had. He loves it, and he knows he loves Seokjin - even if lately he doesn’t know in exactly what way. He spends nights lying awake staring at Seokjin sleeping with his lips parted slightly, fringe falling over his eyelids. Yoongi is only eight, and he’s never really known what love is - any kind of love - but he imagines the warm feeling that he feels around Seokjin is the closest thing to it. He finds out not that much later that the feeling is actually happiness. Yoongi is happy, and for the first time - Yoongi smiles.

 

When he comes to school that Friday, he’s in a good mood despite hearing Momo cry that morning remembering the time that the caretaker almost touched her. Yoongi puts the thought that he was more than  _ touched _ out of his mind and grabs his backpack to walk down the road to the elementary school with Seokjin. They take their time, because they usually leave much too early anyway - eager to escape the depressing building behind them. Most of the time, they sit on the swings that Seokjin told Yoongi about his mother, and wait for the time to approach for the bell to ring. Today, something feels inherently different and Yoongi feels so much closer to Seokjin than ever before. He decides to ask something that’s been on his mind for a long time.

“What’s it like having a mother?” Yoongi says, quietly and staring at the sand below his ratty shoes. Seokjin is taken aback, but not unwilling to answer.

“I guess it’s like having love that you know won’t ever go away.” Seokjin answers after taking a minute or two to think about it. His smile is a little sad, reminiscent of what he had gone through before the orphanage. Sometimes Seokjin doesn’t know which is worse.

“Then, are you my mom?” Yoongi asks, without any sign of a joke anywhere but Seokjin laughs. He can’t believe how Yoongi can be so cute, without even knowing what he’s said.

“Do you want me to be your mom?” He asks, amused and curious of the answer. Yoongi looks up and at Seokjin, he doesn’t look amused at all. Yoongi looks desperate, so Seokjin’s own grin fades.

“I just don’t want you to go away.” Yoongi replies. Seokjin all but jumps off the swing, moves in front of the shorter male and bends to hug him as tightly as possible.

“I won’t. Never, Yoongi.” Seokjin means it, will make sure that he keeps the promise this time. Seokjin won’t ever lie to Yoongi again, he swears it to himself. Yoongi is hugging Seokjin back, enjoying the warmth on the inside and outside of his body. This is what makes him believe this is love, and a part of him struggles with the idea. They hear the bell to enter the school go off, and walk in holding hands. Sometimes when they do that, they get strange looks from the other kids. One morning, Yoongi even saw a parent turn their child’s eyes away and mutter something. He doesn’t understand. He’s too young for these things.

He sits in his seat, in the back of the room, and doesn’t care when the other kids ignore him like always - even if it’s his birthday. They’re practicing arithmetic when Ms.Kim comes over again, she’s been leaving Yoongi alone for the most part. He guesses she gave up on him just as much as anyone else, today he doesn’t feel like doing his work. He doodles on the margins of the worksheet, scribbles that don’t really look much like anything. Yoongi isn’t an artist - though he thinks he might want to be, some day. She watches him draw, unbeknownst to him, and then hums in appreciation. He stares up at her, his pencil unmoving.

“That looks good, Yoongi. Do you want me to get some colored pencils for you to fill that in?” She smiles at him, and Yoongi feels the warm feeling he did when he first met the woman. He can’t fathom that he loves her though. It doesn’t make any sense. He puts the thought away and focuses on the question he’s asked. He nods, and she leaves only to come back with a whole carton of pencils for him to use. He manages to mutter out a ‘thank you’ under her gaze. She smiles brighter. “Can I talk to you at lunch?” She says, after watching him color for a little while. Yoongi almost nods immediately, then remembers that he needs to talk to Seunghyun. He can’t miss it, it’s important. He looks up at her with a frown, and shakes his head slowly. “It won’t take long, I promise.” She pouts at the boy, it’s strange for him to see an adult do such a thing. She’s only playing with him, but it seems she has something important to do as well. He reluctantly agrees, telling himself that if it drags on too long he’ll just leave. Class drags on, the clock moving impossibly slowly. Yoongi is irritated. Eventually the bell does ring for lunch, and then recess, and the teacher motions for him to her desk when the other kids run out of the classroom. He walks over, hurrying and giddy to leave. Ms.Kim is smiling again, and her hand is under her desk. Yoongi feels uneasy, he stops in front of it and stares. “I know what today is.” She sings teasingly. Yoongi doesn’t understand - not until her hand comes out from under the desk, holding a bear with a basket of candy. “Happy birthday, Yoongi.” Her smile is impossibly brighter, and Yoongi feels like crying - though he doesn’t know why. Ms.Kim doesn’t feel like his mom. He’s sure that after next year he’ll never see the woman again, but right now the warmth spreading through him is unreal and he’s so on edge. He can’t believe this is real, but she gets up from her desk to hand him the gift personally and hugs him for a few seconds in the process. He blinks at her, stares at the gift in his hands and tries to make sense of everything - of anything. “Don’t you want to go see your friends now?” She smiles knowingly, she’s seen Yoongi walk around with Seokjin and Seunghyun before. She’s relieved he’s finally found someone to take care of him outside, if only a little. He nods again, runs to the edge of the room but stops in front of the door.

He turns around, looks Ms.Kim in the eyes before bowing and saying loudly and clearly, “Thank you so much.” Then he leaves, he doesn’t see the tears bordering her eyes as she smiles one more time.

He walks into the lunchroom dazed and distracted from his original goal. He speed walks over to the table Seokjin is sitting at with Seunghyun, and all but throws the bear in Seokjin’s face.

“Look what Ms.Kim gave me for my birthday!” Yoongi yells, he’s so excited.

“It’s nice, Yoongi. Now can you stop shoving it at me?” Seokjin laughs, then they both hear Seunghyun gasp dramatically.

“ _ Shit _ ! I didn’t know it was your birthday, kiddo!” Seunghyun is digging in his pockets, and Yoongi is watching Seokjin’s face. The brunette’s eyes are wide and lips parted like when he sleeps but his brows are close together. Yoongi is confused, about a lot of things, but mostly he’s confused about one thing in particular and Seokjin is good at answering questions so he asks.

“What’s shit?” Seunghyun chuckles, until Seokjin hits him on the shoulder and he yelps.

“For an eight year old, you sure do hit hard.” Seunghyun frowns, taking out the leather wallet he had been searching for. Seokjin growls and turns to Yoongi.

“It’s a bad word. You don’t need to know what it means.” 

“You’re not his mom, Jin.” Seunghyun laughs again, going through his wallet and pulling out bills to count. Yoongi recognizes the bills as money, his grandparents had a lot of it - though they didn’t like to use it. Yoongi’s never had money, he wonders how Seunghyun does.

“Seokjin is my mom.” Yoongi says absentmindedly, and watches Seokjin’s cheeks turn pink.

“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” Seokjin mumbles to Seunghyun, who just shakes his head. Yoongi doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t worry about it.

“Well, I got about fifty bucks in my wallet and some time after school. What do you say we go out shopping for the kiddo’s presents?” Seunghyun says matter of factly. Yoongi remembers why he was so eager to go to lunch.

“Will you come to my birthday party?” Yoongi asks. Seunghyun grins at him.

“Of course, I’ll be the one to bring the party.” And so he does.

 

Yoongi walks back to the orphanage by himself, but he isn’t upset about it. It reminds him of before his Seunghyun died. He wonders if the older boy would have been happy for him today. He thinks of pouring a drink on the floor when the party starts in his honor, he saw it in a movie once with his grandfather. Seokjin and Seunghyun had gone shopping as soon as the bell rang. Seunghyun putting his hands on each of Yoongi’s shoulders and talking to him lowly like he’s trusting him with some big secret.

“Hey, kid. So I missed Seokjin’s birthday too, I know I’m not such a great friend for that but I’m trying to make it up now to the both of you.” He lightly hit his shoulder, smiling. “I’m going to get him a present. Any idea of he might want?” Yoongi feels like Seunghyun is really close to being a big brother, but he also thinks that Seunghyun looks at Seokjin in a weird way sometimes. He doesn’t think it’s bad. He saw his grandmother looking at his grandfather the same way more than a few times. Yoongi puts effort into thinking of a good gift for Seokjin in the short amount of time they have as Seokjin makes a list of things they’ll need for the party as they talk. He thinks about how Seokjin keeps the free clothing catalogs that arrive at the doorstep. He sees him flipping through them when he thinks he’s alone, sighing every now and then. He thinks of how much Seokjin liked the picture of the pink flower he drew for him last week. He thinks he has a pretty good idea so he whispers it into Seunghyun’s ear and the older boy grins. “I know exactly what to get. I won’t forget about you either, but it’s a surprise.” He ruffles his hair, and walks over to Seokjin throwing an arm around his shoulders and asking if he’s ready to go. Seokjin nods, then turns to Yoongi.

“Make sure everyone is alright when you get home, Yoongi.” Seokjin looks worried. Yoongi doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t worry about it himself. “We’ll see you in an hour or two.” Yoongi nods, and starts to walk on the path to the orphanage. He hears Seunghyun talking to someone.

“Can you give me and my friend a ride to the mall?” He turns to see Seunghyun with a cellphone. There’s a strange twist of his stomach that follows. Yoongi is jealous. Seokjin looks uncomfortable and he’s wringing the list in his hands. Yoongi wonders if Seunghyun knows that he’s visiting an orphanage, wonders if he knows who they really are. He feels uneasy, but he picks up the pace and runs through the front door.

 

Momo and Jungyeon are playing some hand game in the living room when Yoongi walks in called Mary Mack, they’ve gotten good at it. They look up and Momo smiles at him, mouthing a ‘happy birthday’. Jungyeon just nods at him. Yoongi nods back. He opens the boy’s room door to find Chan and Jisoo coloring. He sees that they had been digging around in Seunghyun’s old backpack. He doesn’t let himself think about it. He waves at the two of them, and then closes the door again. He sits on the couch and watches the girls play their hand games as he waits for Seokjin and Seunghyun to get there. It feels like a lifetime, and with each minute that passes Yoongi feels more and more anxious. He starts to think about the possibility of Seokjin never coming back, of Seunghyun abandoning them. He thinks of a million different things to scare himself, and he’s shaking by the time the two boys walk through the door. Seunghyun’s face says it all. He didn’t know. Seokjin sees the look on Yoongi’s face, sees him shaking, and drops everything off in the kitchen to run over to him.

“Yoongi, are you okay? What’s wrong?” He’s looking him in the eyes, holding his face. Yoongi feels safe. Yoongi feels loved. He calms down. Seokjin sighs in relief, and lowers his head in exhaustion. That’s when Yoongi sees it. Seokjin’s left ear is shining, it’s pierced - twice. One lobe, and one piercing right above it. He’s wearing a small silver hoop and a stud. Yoongi reaches out to touch them, and Seokjin looks up in surprise.

“Oh, Seunghyun thought it would look cool on me. What do you think?” Seokjin is blushing. Yoongi’s stomach is twisting again. He doesn’t know what he’s jealous of this time. He thinks it’s probably not the piercings. He looks at Seunghyun, who’s standing in the door awkwardly and looking around. Momo and Jungyeon are looking at him too. Momo is blushing just like Seokjin. Jungyeon seems to be thinking the same thing Yoongi is.  _ What does he think? Of us? Of this place? Is he scared?  _ Seunghyun turns and meets Yoongi’s eyes, and then - he smiles. He waves at the girls on the floor and Momo blushes harder. Jungyeon just nods at him. Yoongi feels his heart unclench.

“It does look cool.” He says, a lot louder than anyone has ever dared to talk in the orphanage. Everyone looks scared, Seokjin runs over to him. He has to explain. Yoongi feels his head start to spin, he feels sick. Someone has to explain why they aren’t normal, but Yoongi doesn’t even know himself. Seokjin is whispering to him, something that only those two can hear and Seunghyun’s eyes show his fear. His lips downturn, and Yoongi thinks of how he’s never actually seen Seunghyun frown like that. He thinks that this is it. This is how far the warmth will go. Seunghyun is going to leave now, and Seokjin is going to feel the pain of it more than anyone and he will break. He will break like Yoongi broke when his Seunghyun left. Yoongi wants to protect Seokjin. He needs to protect him.

“Are you upset?” Yoongi asks him. He sounds cold, not concerned. He sounds accusing. Seunghyun looks at him with the fear still in his eyes. He doesn’t lie.

“Yes.” He whispers, just loud enough for the people in the room to hear. Chan and Jisoo open the door of their bedroom and step out. Seunghyun’s eyes follow their movements. The fear spreads through him more, so apparent. Seokjin looks absolutely devastated behind him.

“I wanted to tell you.” Seokjin says quietly, voice shaking. “I was going to tell you at the mall, but you - I was so happy.” Yoongi thinks Seokjin is about to cry, sees it in his everything. He doesn’t know what to do for him, for them. They’re orphans, and nobody cares. Yoongi should have known, they couldn’t have friends.

Yoongi is wrong.

Seunghyun suddenly turns and takes Seokjin into a crushing hug, Seokjin’s tears fall and Yoongi sees Seunghyun’s shoulders shake. He’s crying too.

“Did you think I wouldn’t want to be your friend anymore? Were you scared of me?” Seunghyun sounds hurt. Seokjin shudders, he hugs back. Yoongi’s stomach is twisting painfully. It’s not the piercings. Yoongi is jealous of Seunghyun. He looks at the bags they brought with them. Bags from clothing stores he saw advertisements for at his grandparent’s house, bags from a bakery, and bags of toys. He can see them inside. Yoongi doesn’t feel worthy. Seunghyun and Seokjin let go of each other, wiping away their tears. They smile at each other. Seunghyun turns to face them all.

“Who wants to go to my house for this party?” Yoongi can’t believe it, can’t trust this, but the others are excited. Even Jungyeon accepts it immediately. Seokjin is smiling the most. “Alright, everyone take a bag. We’re going to go to the park first. I’ll have to call my mom.” Seunghyun looks worried for a second, but he turns to grab a bag from H&M. He turns to Yoongi and winks at him. Yoongi guesses that’s Seokjin’s gift. They all walk out the door, forgetting all the consequences they could face when they come back - except Yoongi, because he knows that he’ll be the one to take it all. He’s not the oldest - but he won’t let anyone else get hurt. They make it to the park and Momo sits on a swing, Jungyeon pushing her lightly. Jisoo does the same to Chan. Yoongi stands as far from the group as he can. Seokjin notices, he walks up to him.

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you excited? Isn’t Seunghyun the best?” The last question is really more for himself, Yoongi knows it too. He doesn’t look at Seokjin when he answers.

“The piercings are stupid.” Seokjin frowns. 

“I like them. Seunghyun says they’re cool.”

“Seunghyun says a lot of things to a lot of people. Does he mean them all?” Yoongi spits back. Seokjin can’t understand where this is coming from. 

“What’s wrong with you? He’s done so much for you today. For everyone!” Seunghyun walks between the two boys, confused.

“My mom’s bringing a van around. I’ll explain it all to her when I get home. What are you two fighting over?” Seunghyun looks at Seokjin, fuming, and at Yoongi, bitter.

“Yoongi doesn’t know how to say thank you I guess.” Seokjin glowers. Yoongi looks at him in disbelief.

“Thank you for  _ what _ !?” Yoongi is yelling. He’s angry. He’s angry like when he thinks of Seunghyun leaving them alone. He’s angry like when he thinks of how useless adults are. He’s angry like when he notices the way Seunghyun looks at Seokjin - like he’s going to take him away. “Am  _ I _ supposed to thank him for what he’s done for  _ you _ ? Am I supposed to hug him for the pain that _ I _ have to go through when we go  _ home _ ?” He’s screaming to the point that his throat hurts. He’s sure he’ll regret this some day - but he isn’t going to do so now. “Did you forget who we are, Seokjin? We’re orphans. We don’t have anywhere else to go after this. One day of fun, and suddenly it doesn’t matter what that man does? What he  _ did _ to me? To Seung-” Yoongi coughs, choking on his own spit. He looks at Seunghyun, scared and concerned in front of him. He reminds Yoongi of Ms.Kim the day she first saw him. He doesn’t have physical wounds on him. He can’t show anyone where he’s hurt - but that doesn’t mean he isn’t. Seokjin’s looks horrified. He understands what Yoongi is talking about. He’s the only one. Yoongi won’t let anyone take him away. He isn’t going to thank anyone for - for -  _ shit _ . Seokjin opens his mouth, but Seunghyun pushes him back lightly. Seokjin gives him a look, but Seunghyun matches it and overpowers him. He backs away, goes to calm down the other kids who are asking why Yoongi is so mad. Seunghyun gets closer to Yoongi.

“Yoongi.” He starts. Yoongi doesn’t look at him, he stands with hands balled and teeth set. “Talk to me. Tell me what happened.”

“You don’t even care.” Yoongi bites out. He looks at Seunghyun. “Don’t pretend you care about us just because you love Jin.” Seunghyun’s eyes widen and his cheeks turn pink.

“Love!? He’s my friend. If I- I might like - but-” Seunghyun is too flustered to put together anything very coherent. “Yoongi. I care. You’re my friend. These kids are good kids, and - and I think you’ll understand more when my mom picks us up.” Yoongi’s shoulders fall. He’s too tired. It’s his birthday, and he was in such a good mood just before.

 

They hear a beep of a car horn, and a blonde woman is motioning for Seunghyun out the window. “Come on, Yoongi. We have a birthday party to throw.” Seunghyun smiles, a little sadder than his usual smiles. Yoongi feels a bit guilty. He might have ruined the mood. They take their bags and walk over to the black, nice SUV. Seokjin and Seunghyun help the smaller kids get in. Yoongi hears Seunghyun’s mom worry over the lack of car seats. Seunghyun’s mom, she’s a real mom. She worries about children, and she loves her son and she picks him up with little to no explanation and a promise of a party to a group of six strange children. She doesn’t ask anything too personal on the way to their house, only small things like what everyone wants to eat or play. Yoongi would like to deny it, but he thinks maybe this one day will be worth putting up with whatever is waiting back at the orphanage. The sun is already setting, but Yoongi doesn’t worry about that now.

“Who’s birthday is it?” Mrs.Lee asks, and Seokjin points at Yoongi excitedly.

“Hi.” He says sheepishly. She smiles at him in the rearview mirror. He feels the warmth of it all the way in the back. Seunghyun is asking his mom about how her day was, he asks if ‘dad’ is home yet. Yoongi listens, wishes he knew what it was like to have this for himself - but settles for being included in it in some way. Seokjin’s and Yoongi’s eyes nearly pop out of their heads when they turn into a gated driveway of a white mansion. Suddenly a lot more things make sense when it comes to Seunghyun. The older boy looks embarassed.

“I meant to tell you. I was going to tell you at the mall.” Seunghyun talks to Seokjin. The other boy just laughs, shakes his head to indicate it’s all okay. Yoongi feels like everything is really all okay - if only for now. Mrs.Lee gets out the car and opens both sides of the SUV so that everyone can get out, then she opens the trunk to get the bags of things. She notices the H&M bag and turns to her son.

“You don’t-” Seunghyun puts a finger to his lips, begs for her to not say anything more. She gets the jist, smiles and ruffles his hair like he always does to Yoongi. Yoongi watches as a tall man comes out of the side door, with a small black haired boy in his arms. He doesn’t look like Seunghyun, or his mom - or the man who’s holding him. The man sets the kid down, and Yoongi watches as he runs over to hug Seunghyun. Yoongi thinks he’s missing something. Mrs.Lee gives the man a peck on the lips, asks about dinner and then turns to Yoongi. Seunghyun is already looking at him and Seokjin.

“This little one is Jihoon. He’s four, we adopted him last year.” It hits Yoongi like a train, why Seunghyun looked scared of the building and not of them. He understands that Seunghyun had told his mom a lot more than either him and Seokjin had anticipated. “I’d like to talk to you two alone when we get the chance.” Mrs.Lee smiles softly, it’s obvious that something is important. Yoongi feels something overtake him completely. He looks at Seokjin to see that he’s crying. Seunghyun moves to hug him, and Yoongi doesn’t feel his stomach twist at that anymore. He’s grateful that he’s there for him. Yoongi kind of feels like crying too, but he just nods at Mrs.Lee and they all head up the stairs into the house.

 

The party is amazing, the cake is chocolate and delicious. Everyone sings a happy birthday song to Yoongi, as he tries to melt into his chair and hide the blush on his cheeks. Momo and Jungyeon talk to Jihoon, who’s a little shy and quiet but not unfriendly. Yoongi thinks that Jungyeon seems to take a liking to him more than she’d ever admit. Soon it’s time for gifts, and Seunghyun and Seokjin take out a package each. Seokjin goes first. He hands it to Yoongi with a wide smile and a warm hug. Yoongi opens the wrapping carefully, hands shaking slightly, and nearly drops it when he sees what it is.

“Seokjin-” he starts but Seokjin interrupts to explain.

“I was tutoring Seunghyun for a while, when we didn’t talk so much.” He looks sad at that. “His family paid well, but I was saving up - for this.” Yoongi stares at his gift in his hands, still in awe and so, so warm on the inside from the thought of Seokjin saving up for him even when Yoongi was sure he hated him. Seunghyun pushes Seokjin lightly out of the way, ignoring the younger’s whines and his parent’s scolding to ‘be polite’.

“It’s my turn! Open mine.” He grins at Yoongi. Yoongi looks at the big box he’s holding out to him, no clue as to what it could possibly be. He tears the wrapping just carefully as Seokjin’s gift and gasps just as loud when he sees what it is. “I figured you’d need a pair of these to use Jin’s gift, but I wanted to get you the nicest ones.” Yoongi puts the box of expensive black headphones down on the table beside him, and launches himself into Seunghyun’s arms.

“Thank you so much. For everything. I’m sorry.” Yoongi is crying a little, sobbing quietly. He thinks he sees Mrs.Lee hide her own tears behind Mr.Lee’s shoulder. When Yoongi pulls away from Seunghyun’s arms, he remembers something. “Seunghyun hyung! What about Jin’s gift?” Seunghyun blushes and nods, moves to grab something behind his parents on the kitchen’s counter.

Seokjin yells, “What!?” just as Seunghyun thrusts the H&M bag into his hands, blushing more than Yoongi’s ever seen.

“I missed it. Your birthday.” Seokjin looks at him with doe eyes, lips parted. He takes the bag slowly, opens it and slowly starts to smile. He pulls the shirt out. A nice, light pink button up with a lily emblem on the pocket over his heart. Yoongi can already tell. He couldn’t have asked for anything better. When Seokjin hugs Seunghyun, he can’t help himself. He kisses his cheek. Mrs.Lee laughs and Mr.Lee looks surprised but not disapproving. It’s not anything like the looks Yoongi and Seokjin get in the morning. Yoongi doesn’t exactly understand, but he understands that Seunghyun probably treats the kiss like a gift of his own.

Yoongi is happy, so happy that the tears spill out again and everyone watches. They aren’t watching the tears. They’re watching the smile on his face, his pink gums showing through, his little cheeks reaching towards his eyes. 

Yoongi is happy. 

Yoongi is crying - but he is also smiling, and it’s all so new and he wishes it would never end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is kind of a timelapse. Yoongi will be meeting a few more characters, as will Seokjin. o _ o 
> 
> Also ... the Seunghyun/Seokjin just happened on its own. They controlled me to write it. I never ever thought of them as a ship but now I kinda like it so meh.   
> The overall plot I refuse to change but this... this is okay. 
> 
> Let's see what happens. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! ~
> 
> I love comments, please leave comments.


	6. there's nothing left to say (just tell me we're okay)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Everything is going to be okay soon.” 
> 
> Yoongi doesn’t say anything. 
> 
> He closes his eyes, and lets himself believe that it will be.
> 
> Chapter Title from Tell Me We're Ok by Akon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooohh, you all best buckle in! It's a lot of light angst followed with A LOT of HAPPINESS! 
> 
> New people are introduced! Important people. 
> 
> Enjoy ~

“Yoongi, my parents want to talk to you and Seokjin.” Seunghyun says, and Yoongi’s heart drops into his feet. He has an idea of what’s happening, could see it in their eyes the entire time they’ve been over. Mr and Mrs.Lee look at the orphans like Ms.Kim looked at his cut open hands, carefully and with a distance - but anyone can tell, they want to reach out and help. They want to change something. Yoongi doesn’t think that’s possible, thinks that they’ll only get in worse trouble if they try. He tells himself that he can’t tell Seunghyun’s parents the truth, not even if they feel like safety - not even if Yoongi knows that they’re good people. Seokjin smiles at him softly as they walk into the dimly lit living room, the sun has already started to set and Yoongi is concerned about what will happen if they walk through the door of the orphanage this late. Mr.Lee is holding Mrs.Lee’s shoulder and sitting on the armrest of the living chair the small woman is occupying. Seokjin and Yoongi stand across her, they both shake their heads when she offers them a seat. Yoongi can tell that Seokjin isn’t comfortable either. 

“Relax boys, you’re okay.” Mr.Lee says firmly but warmly. Yoongi swallows, he doesn’t feel okay. Seokjin seems to do just as he says at the comforting words. “We want to ask what home is like, you wouldn’t lie to us now - would you?” He looks directly at Yoongi, and the small boy shifts his eyes away. Seokjin nods.

“You’re scaring them, honey.” Mrs.Lee lightly hits her husband. They look young like this, even though they’re already getting along in the years, and Yoongi doesn’t doubt that they haven’t lost a bit of love for each other since they met.

“They’re big boys! I’m not scary, am I?” he looks to them with a grin, and they both nod with Seokjin smiling back. Yoongi means it. They aren’t scary, the caretaker is - even when he’s not there. “See? Now, how is it?” The two adults look at the young boys, listening aptly. Seokjin frowns, Yoongi knows he’s thinking of whether he should tell them the whole truth or part of it. He knows the older won’t lie, it isn’t in him and he’s more optimistic than Yoongi. Seunghyun’s parents don’t say a word until one of them do - it’s Seokjin.

“We make do.” Seokjin says, voice a little shaky. He’s trying not break himself in two and spill out onto the floor. He’s trying to be strong but there’s a chance someone can really help and god, he wants to take it. “We have to.” He says after, a lot more softly. Seunghyun’s parents hear it nonetheless.

“What do you mean sweetheart?” Mrs.Lee presses. Yoongi steps in, trying to protect them all.

“A lot of chores. It sucks.” Seokjin looks at him, pleads with him in his eyes. Yoongi doesn’t budge. No one can understand like Yoongi. This is for the best, they shouldn’t try to budge the tower or it will crash down on them all. Mrs.Lee looks between the two boys, smiles again - softer this time and a little sad. She stands from her chair, walks up to Yoongi and puts a hand on his hair. It’s so warm that Yoongi is tempted to reach out with his own hand and put it over hers. “Yoongi, I think you should talk to Jihoon. You two have some things in common.” Yoongi thinks that can’t possibly be true. After all, Jihoon has a home. He has a big brother, a mother and father to love him. Jihoon has everything. Yoongi keeps the anger to himself, nods slowly because he doesn’t know what to expect. Mrs. Lee leads him out of the room and up the grand staircase in the entrance hall, guiding him to a door that leads into a young boy’s bedroom. Yoongi doesn’t notice that Seokjin has stayed behind, that Mr.Lee is still there with him.

“Sweetie, Yoongi here wants to talk to you.” Mrs.Lee says to the boy even shorter than Yoongi, and maybe just as quiet. Jihoon looks up from something he had been drawing on a polished wooden desk, puts up a hand in what Yoongi assumes is his version of a wave. Mrs.Lee pushes at Yoongi’s back lightly, urging him to get closer to the boy and Yoongi does as he’s expected. He walks over and takes a look at the drawing on the table. It’s a picture of three people, drawn in childish shapes but it’s clear that the smallest one is crying and the two people around him are women and identical. Yoongi wonders if that’s on purpose. He doesn’t notice when Mrs.Lee leaves, shutting the door behind her quietly. He looks to Jihoon, raises a brow in question. Jihoon looks at the picture as well, frowning and seeming like he’s drifting somewhere far off. Yoongi decides to use words.

“What is that?” Jihoon looks at him again, his expression unchanging. He opens his lips, forms them into a shape that gives away that he meant to say something - before he shuts them again. “You can tell me. I like to draw too.”

“It’s my family.” Jihoon’s voice is smaller than the boy himself, Yoongi nearly misses what he says.

“Where are your dad and brother?” Yoongi asks, searching the paper for the missing figures. He wonders if he misinterpreted the shapes on the page.

“Not this family.” Jihoon answers. Yoongi is suddenly aware that Jihoon is an orphan too, even if he has a family now - that fact won’t ever go away. Yoongi thinks he probably shouldn’t ask, but he’s curious.

“Is that you?” He points to the small scribble crying, something about it makes Yoongi feel sad. Jihoon nods. “Did these ladies make you cry a lot?” Jihoon nods again, swallows something in his throat.

“My mom says it wasn’t my fault.” Jihoon says, eyes distant again like he’s remembering the exact day she said that or maybe what caused her to say it. Yoongi is reminded of his own feelings, the blame he puts on himself every time something goes wrong. He needs to know what Jihoon has done; he needs to know if he can be saved too. He doesn’t expect the answer he receives. He doesn’t expect for Mrs.Lee’s words to resonate inside him. ‘You two have some things in common.’ Yoongi is scared, because he thinks that Mrs.Lee knows a lot more than he thought - about him specifically.

“What isn’t your fault?” Yoongi’s voice is shaking. He’s so nervous. He’s so scared of what’s waiting at home.

“Mom says that they weren’t supposed to touch me like that.” Jihoon answers, like he’s answering a question his teacher asked him at school. Yoongi feels sick. His stomach lurches, he feels lightheaded and the world is muffled for a while - or what feels like a while to him. Yoongi collapses, his eyes close and the last thing he can make out is Jihoon running to the door. His lips form the word ‘mom’ over and over. Yoongi loses consciousness.

 

He wakes up at the orphanage, warm and in Seokjin’s thin arms. For a moment, he’s frightened because he’s much too disoriented. He has the instinct to check on everyone, so he moves ever so slightly and groans at a heaviness in his entire body. Seokjin stirs, looks down at Yoongi in the dark and gasps.

“You’re awake.” He whispers, and his voice calms Yoongi. He nuzzles in closer to Seokjin, wrapping his arms around the boy’s torso. Seokjin chuckles. “Did you miss me or something?”

Yoongi doesn’t know why he says, “Yes.” He just feels like it’s the most honest answer. Seokjin hugs him tighter.

“Everyone was worried about you, you know. I’m pretty sure I saw Seunghyun crying.” Yoongi can hear the smile in the older’s voice. “Do you know what happened, Yoongi?” Seokjin’s voice is softer, more serious. Yoongi can tell this is important.

“I was talking to Jihoon, and then I felt sick.” Yoongi decides to be vague. He’s not sure how much Seokjin understands about his situation.

“Do you remember what you were talking about?” Seokjin asks. Yoongi doesn’t want to lie, but he knows that something like that isn’t something to share with just anyone. After all, Yoongi would never tell on himself.

“Yes, but it’s a secret.” Yoongi says. Seokjin hums, letting him know it’s okay. Yoongi is thankful.

“Mrs.Lee said that it was like you were seeing a nightmare without being asleep. She said that you couldn’t take it, so you fainted. But you didn’t wake up for so long.” Yoongi thinks he hears Seokjin sniffle. “I was so scared, Yoongi.”

“I’m okay.” Yoongi means it, but right now he needs to know if Mrs.Lee knows  _ exactly _ what happened. “Did she say anything else?” Seokjin is surprised at the amount of interest the younger is showing in an adult, so he decides to tell him more. Seokjin takes a little time to think.

“She said that she needs to see you again soon. We should go tomorrow.”

“Why?” Yoongi is frightened, he doesn’t know if Mrs.Lee is mad at him or if she’s going to try to do something that will only cause him trouble again.

“She said she’s the kind of doctor that can help you.” Seokjin whispers, there’s something in his tone. He’s skirting around something.

“I’m not sick.” Yoongi says.

“She just wants to talk to you. Don’t you like Seunghyun’s family? They’re so nice.” Yoongi can tell Seokjin is smiling again. He doesn’t want to ruin that. How can he tell Seokjin that he’s scared that Seunghyun’s family will be the reason he’ll be hurt again - or worse, the reason one of the others is hurt.

“They’re nice.” He agrees. That much is true, they were the nicest adults that Yoongi has ever met. He likes them. He’s just scared. He’s always scared. Seokjin shifts his body so that his face is right in front of Yoongi’s. In the pale darkness, the younger can make out Seokjin’s perfect nose and thick lips. Yoongi has always thought that Seokjin was pretty. He blushes a little. They feel too close.

“Do you want to know a secret?” Seokjin whispers excitedly. Yoongi doesn’t answer, but Seokjin goes on anyway. “Mr.Lee said that he can help us. He’s going to get rid of that man. We’re not going to have to be scared anymore.” That’s a lie. Yoongi will always be scared. Even if the caretaker isn’t there - Yoongi feels him on him every day,  _ inside _ him some nights, he’ll never be gone. “Everything is going to be okay soon.” Yoongi doesn’t say anything. He closes his eyes, and lets himself believe that it will be. He wakes up to a knock on the door and the sun shining through. He gets up and opens the door. Mrs.Lee smiles at him as soon as she sees the sleepy eyed boy.

“Good morning. I’m here to ask you some things, Yoongi.” Her voice is bright and cheery. Yoongi thinks that maybe this woman really can help. He thinks back to the piece of paper with the words, ‘in case of emergency’. He feels like it’s similar, until he realizes it’s not - because Mrs.Lee is here, but he didn’t call her. She just knows. He lets the woman in.

 

The next few days go by like a dream. Mrs.Lee comes by every morning, bringing pastries from a bakery for everyone in the orphanage every time. Seokjin makes her coffee, and their smiles match each other’s. Everyone knows to leave Mrs.Lee and Yoongi alone for at least a few hours, and then they’re free to talk or play with her. She always stays to talk to each and every child, her smile never fading. 

During the hours together, Yoongi answers a lot of questions. He’s honest. He can’t imagine lying to her. In a matter of two days, Mrs.Lee understands what happened to Yoongi at her house. She admits that she had a feeling when she first met Yoongi, because of his behavior. She explains to Yoongi that it’s her job to notice such things, that she’s a special kind of doctor. She treats wounds that no one can see. She’s just what Yoongi needs. In about a week, Yoongi has admitted to hearing strange things and she’s told him of how to deal with it. It helps. He doesn’t hear anything that no one else does for quite a bit. After the first week, she visits less frequently but when she does - she brings Seunghyun, and that makes Seokjin happy. Seunghyun is over the moon, and Yoongi is content to see Seokjin’s smile and hear his laugh more often. Sometimes Yoongi smiles too, and everyone still seems to stare. He never realized how amazing it was - what it means to smile.

 

One night, Yoongi hears a knock on the door. No one ever visits this late. He’s nervous. Seokjin goes with him to the door, tells the younger kids to stay inside the bedrooms. They open the front door to find a man in uniform, a police officer, standing there and looking very intense. Yoongi feels a strong sense of grief at first, convinced that he’s getting more bad news. Then the officer asks them to move aside, so they do - because who are they to against a police officer - and more people start to file into the small building. Seokjin and Yoongi listen carefully as the forbidden door is kicked open, the hinges coming right off and a police officer telling the man inside to put his hands up. After that they say a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo neither Yoongi nor Seokjin make sense of, and when they come back out - the caretaker is in cuffs. His eyes are icy, his mouth slack. The police officer they saw first when they opened the door crouches in front of them, tells them that they won’t be seeing the caretaker again - tells them they’re safe. Yoongi and Seokjin cry of relief, of overwhelming happiness. The younger children have been led out of the bedroom by some of the other police officers, they look confused but not scared. They trust these people. When the caretaker is in the cruiser, a familiar man in a suit comes up to the door. Seokjin runs straight into his arms, not caring about seeming manly or anything of the sort. Yoongi can’t believe it. ‘He’s going to get rid of that man.’ Mr.Lee is a man of his word. Yoongi walks over, his feet heavy. His eyes are wide, his lips parted to say something but his mind going blank. Mr.Lee smiles at him and pulls him right in with Seokjin instead. They spend the night at the Lee household. The boys and girls get their own respectful guest rooms, just like in the orphanage but the beds are comfortable and the air isn’t stale. Mrs.Lee offers Seokjin and Yoongi the option of sleeping in Seunghyun’s room with a smile. Both boys take it. Seokjin sleeps in the middle, Seunghyun on his left and Yoongi on his right. The three boys have never felt warmer. Yoongi doesn’t have any nightmares for the first time in years; he sleeps soundly. 

When Yoongi and the others go back to the orphanage, it looks completely new - like a place they’d never been in. The walls are repainted, the foul stench is gone, the tattered curtains that used to cover every part of the house have been replaced with flowy, white lace curtains. The sun shines over the open areas. The newest thing in the orphanage is the caretaker. It’s a white woman in her thirties, a tired smile but genuine all the same is on her face as soon as the children enter through the door once more. She introduces herself as Miss Watson, and tells the kids that she’ll make sure to take very good care of them all because her own daughter died very early and she wants to give happiness to children wherever she can. Her Korean is sloppy, but not incoherent. Yoongi decides he likes her. Seokjin immediately builds a bond with her, when she lets him help with the cooking. They’re both very good cooks and the children haven’t been all that hungry in days. Jungyeon is more verbal, her laugh mingles with Momo’s more often. Yoongi smiles and laughs along with the kids as well. Chan rarely ever cries, it’s truly amazing and Jisoo approves of the behavior change the most. Yoongi still can’t believe how quickly things were put back in place, even if they fell apart just as quickly. He’s waiting for someone to take it away, but in the meantime he makes sure to enjoy it all the same.

 

The school year starts to pass faster, Yoongi doesn’t mind going back home anymore. The other kids still won’t really talk to him all that much but he doesn’t particularly feel interested in any of them anyway. He awaits lunches with Seokjin the most, sometimes Seunghyun joins them but Seokjin always hits him when he shows up with a ‘Stop skipping, you idiot!’ but he can’t hide the smile at seeing his best friend. Yoongi doesn’t feel anything but happiness at seeing the two together anymore. Seokjin and he haven’t slept in the same bed in months. There’s no need now. He knows it wasn’t love - at least, not the kind Seunghyun’s parents show each other. Yoongi still thinks Seokjin is pretty close to being his mom, though he’ll never say it out loud again. Yoongi has matured, and when the school year ends - he’s actually excited to repeat the grade and see all that he missed while he was gone. He doesn’t blame himself as much for Seunghyun anymore, though he still has regular sessions with Mrs.Lee. He’s gone to see his grave, left flowers and a million apologies. He hopes it’s enough. Mrs.Lee and Miss Watson tell him that Seunghyun would be very happy to know he still thinks of him so often. Yoongi can live with that. 

 

Over the summer, two really interesting things happen. The first, Seokjin confesses to Yoongi that he probably likes Seunghyun more than a friend. He blushes the whole time, and hides his face in the pillows. Yoongi doesn’t understand why he’s so embarrassed.

“Just tell him if it makes you so upset. You’ll feel better.” Yoongi advises. It’s probably some of the best advice he’s ever given to anyone. Seokjin should feel honored.

The older boy blushes harder, stammers out a “I-it’s not that easy.”

Yoongi asks why. Seokjin doesn’t have an answer. The next time Seunghyun comes over, Seokjin blurts it out as they’re talking about a new comic they’ve been reading in their room. Yoongi accidentally walks in on Seunghyun giving Seokjin a kiss on the cheek, the two boys both red as tomatoes.

Yoongi can’t help saying, “I told you so.” Seokjin throws a pillow at him.

 

The second, is a new resident at the orphanage. It’s a boy, quite a bit younger than Yoongi. He’s cute, the older boy thinks when he first sees him. He has chubby cheeks and big eyes, and he’s tiny. Yoongi thinks he’ll probably grow to be even shorter than him - that admittedly makes him happy. The new boy doesn’t say a word to anyone when he comes for days, he’s assigned the bed above Yoongi’s and the older boy worries that he might fall off the top at night so he offers him the bottom bunk instead. The smaller boy shakes his head no, doesn’t meet his eyes. Yoongi has never seen the boy smile. He thinks he really wants to. He wonders if this is what people felt like around him, laughs a little because it’s kind of funny.

One night the boy doesn’t understand how to operate the shower, so Yoongi tells him he’ll show how to turn the knobs and what they mean - if he tells him his name.

The small boy’s eyes widen ever more, he hangs his head and mumbles it out. Yoongi asks him to repeat it, claiming he really hadn’t heard it the first time.

“I’m Jimin.” He finally hears him say. Yoongi can’t believe how cute the boy’s voice is. It’s almost like his cheeks are full of marshmallows and he’s talking, like the time Seokjin did that ‘chubby bunny’ thing with Seunghyun and almost choked to death. Except Jimin’s cheeks are just pleasantly chubby and soft. Yoongi wants to reach out and touch them most of the time, but decides that’d be too much and just shows Jimin how everything works.

“I’m Yoongi, by the way.” He says as he leaves the room.

He nearly misses Jimin reply with, “Thank you, Yoongi.”

His heart beats faster. He wonders if he should ask Seokjin what that means. He wonders if he should tell Mrs.Lee that he’s a new kind of sick. Instead, he’s embarrassed. Once again he understands how others must have felt, even if he doesn’t realize it just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehhhh? EHHHHH? :D THE YOONMIN HAS ARRIVED MY FRIENDS! I was inspired to write this chapter today - on a Thursday night of all things - because of the new teaser that came out that strongly hints at some kind of Yoonmin. Made me so giddy. 
> 
> Seokjin is such a cutie, eh? Let's hope him and Seunghyun are happy together. Speaking of Seunghyun, his family tho! A BUNCH OF HEROES! It was going to happen one way or another, those children are too precious for people to ignore. 
> 
> Next chapter is going to be a lot of funniness, confusion, and fluff. The angst is fading away my friends. Warmth remains.


	7. i'll share this secret for a chance (just to be here with you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoongi doesn’t press.
> 
> He was given another piece of the puzzle even it only confuses him more. 
> 
> Huh, funny how the world works.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took for freaking ever but it's here, and it's pretty happy and a little silly and A LOT of new people are either mentioned or actually introduced. 
> 
> I hope you guys like it. There's a lot of development with Yoongi, and Jimin as well actually depending on how you look at it. 
> 
> Enjoy~

The summer passes with a lot of visits from (or to) the Lee household. Seokjin and Seunghyun are closer than ever, and Yoongi likes how often he gets to see Seokjin’s eyes light up and his smile show itself. Seunghyun is really nice to Seokjin, and he takes care of him. Yoongi thinks that Seokjin probably needed someone to do that for him, and he just wasn’t the right person for the job. He does his best for Seokjin when he can. 

Over all, Yoongi has been getting better. Mrs.Lee says so often, she’s genuinely relieved to see the young boy’s trauma fading. Yoongi even talks about it sometimes, not with anyone but Mrs.Lee - but he does. Sometimes she cries with him, he realizes it’s probably not the most lighthearted subject but he still never expected to see someone cry for him after Seunghyun died. It only makes him cry harder when he sees her. He still feels guilty, dirty, and even scared - but he also feels happy, grateful, and sometimes he even feels safe.

One day, Mrs.Lee brings Jihoon to a session with Yoongi and the two boys grow a lot closer. Yoongi doesn’t mind the age difference. He’s never really been one to care about things like that. To him, people are people. Age doesn’t decide who you are and in Yoongi’s books, Jihoon is pretty alright. They talk a lot more, even when not in session. Jihoon becomes a friend. Yoongi doesn’t say anything but he knows, can see it in the way he catches Jihoon just looking at him from time to time when he thinks Yoongi doesn’t notice, he’s happy to have a friend just as much as Yoongi is.

The summer passes quickly and pleasantly, for the most part. There are still nights that Yoongi has nightmares, nights that Seokjin sits up with him and strokes his hair - wipes every tear that falls before it reaches the point of no return and lands on the pillows. There are still days Yoongi is distant and jumpy, times he gets angry when people touch him. He tries to control himself, but Mrs.Lee says it’s something he doesn’t even know he does - something about a  _ subconscious _ .

Momo hasn’t cried about that night with the caretaker for ages, she’s fine with physical affection - loves it even. Jungyeon is quick to offer her own to the cheerful girl. Yoongi has notices that Jungyeon herself has gotten a lot more open, she’s changing. Most of the time she doesn’t even resemble Yoongi anymore, and he’s glad for it but also a little lonely in the orphanage.

Still there’s the new boy, Jimin.

Yoongi watches him whenever he’s around, he doesn’t know what he’s in the orphanage for. Over the time he’s had with all the residents, he’s collected all their stories in his mind.

Seunghyun, may he rest in peace, had been taken from his father who touched him, roughly and sickeningly. Yoongi tries to come to terms with the fact that he couldn’t help him in the end, and that at least he’s finally away from all his pain. Some days are easier than others.

Jisoo, taken when her parents neglected to care for her and her little sister - tragically only once her sister had died and started to smell. Yoongi tries not to think about that, he wonders how it is Jisoo acts like she never has. Mrs.Lee talks to her a lot too, she tells Yoongi that Jisoo should be gradually made to spend less and less time with Chan. She says that Chan has become a sort of manifestation of a replacement for Jisoo’s younger sister, and that Jisoo needs to learn to be independent. Something about that makes Yoongi really sad.

Chan is too young to understand what’s really going on most of the time. He never really knew his parents in the first place and was found abandoned on the side of a country road; he doesn’t even really know what it means to be in an orphanage. Yoongi kind of envies him.

Seokjin tells him stories about his mother. When Yoongi asks, he’ll tell him about how she was before she became sick. The days she’d come back from work and make cinnamon cookies, tell him bedtime stories before bed - no matter how tired she was, he told Yoongi about her smile who he thinks looks a lot like his. Sometimes Seokjin tells him about how it was after she started to lose herself, the nights she’d stare at a wall for hours on end, and how she couldn’t hear his voice but talked to herself more often than not. He cries on those nights and Yoongi hugs him the tightest he can, tells him that everything will be alright. He thinks of how Seokjin once told him that maybe Seunghyun will come back. He tells Seokjin that maybe someday his mother will be better, that he can see her again and smile. It gives Seokjin hope, makes the boy laugh into Yoongi’s shoulder and shake his head to say he’s okay for now. They lean on each other, lick at their wounds and then go about until they make new ones or rip off the scabs of the old. Seokjin is always there for Yoongi, and Yoongi is just always here.

Jungyeon has the strangest story, Yoongi thinks he’s probably just missing some of the pieces. He thinks when they’re older, she might be willing to share those. All he knows now is that she left on her own, walked on the highway for about two miles until a police officer picked her up and asked her why she was out alone. All Yoongi knows right now is that whatever Jungyeon told the officer made him tear up and call for another car to her address. She was put in the holding room of the station as she waited for their decision of where she would go, where she met Seokjin comforting a crying Momo beaten black and blue. Jungyeon had immediately taken a liking to the cute and innocent girl, found out that she liked it a lot more when her skin was her usual color. Yoongi hadn’t seen her before but he wholeheartedly agrees.

Momo was beaten by her mother, jealous of the looks she inherited from her father. Another deadbeat who had left before she was even born, probably some rich prick. Yoongi could relate much too hard. He didn’t think Momo was the kind of person who deserved to be left behind, that it didn’t even make sense to leave such a lovely girl. She was the sunshine of the orphanage, saying a ‘good morning’ to everyone and telling silly jokes that often didn’t make sense. Jungyeon always laughed the hardest, and Momo liked that a lot. She didn’t see her best friend laugh too much before the caretaker was arrested. She did all she could to change it.

Now Jimin, Yoongi couldn’t read the boy. He still won’t talk to him much after the bunk bed incident. Muttering small ‘please’ and ‘thank you’s when needed. Yoongi doesn’t even know how old he is. Though it’s clear he’s younger than him. He tries to get him to at least acknowledge him. He doesn’t really know why, he just knows he wants Jimin’s attention. He wants to know who he really is, and he needs to know that Jimin is okay. He’s worried.

 

They’re sitting and watching TV together on the couch but on the furthest opposite ends, everyone else is either out or playing somewhere else. Yoongi glances at Jimin every few minutes, only to see the younger dully looking straight at the TV, not making any change in expression. Not even when the main character makes a really funny joke that even makes Yoongi’s lips curl. He decides, he’s going to make Jimin laugh. Right now. Right here. Seokjin usually laughs at Yoongi’s jokes, although it’s probably because they’re so childish and sound a little forced. Still it’s something, so Yoongi picks the best one he can think of for this situation and takes a deep breath. 

“So-” He starts, just to make Jimin look at him first. The boy doesn’t turn his head. “Jimin.” He tries again, and this time he looks at him. At least he isn’t rude.

“Wanna hear a joke?” Yoongi suddenly feels really nervous. His heart is speeding up, and he thinks he can’t really feel anything under him anymore. He’s probably just been floating this whole time. He can’t believe he hasn’t noticed. Jimin just continues to stare at him. His stomach turns almost like a reminder to go on and Yoongi blurts out.  “How do you get a  _ mouse _ to  _ cheese _ ?” It doesn’t make any sense and in fact he’s said the wrong thing, switched around some words in his nervousness, but Yoongi doesn’t even notice. Though Jimin looks confused for a second. Yoongi takes the change of expression as a good thing and nearly yells his killer punchline. “Say _ smile _ !” He actually grins himself, willing Jimin to return the favor but the younger just raises an eyebrow. Then Yoongi realizes he’s said something wrong, and his grin falls ever so slowly.

“What-” Jimin starts to ask.  


“I didn’t mean to say that.” Yoongi interrupts, then immediately feels like kicking at himself because Jimin was about to talk and he might have just stopped that from ever happening again. “I meant the cheese needs to smile-” he stops.  _ What is happening? _ “No, wait.” An adorable, kind of high pitched chuckle can be heard nearby. It’s Jimin. He’s laughing, and his  lips are turned up and his eyes are nearly gone, eclipsed by his cheeks. Yoongi can’t believe someone can be this cute. He just sits there and stares at him, his mouth open and his eyes wide. He stays like that for a few seconds while Jimin chuckles some more, and then he says “You laughed.” Like he can’t believe it, and well he kind of can’t. He messed that up so bad. 

“Yeah, I think you told the joke better.” Jimin replies. Yoongi savors the sound of his small voice, the lilt to it that indicates he’s actually kind of - well maybe - happy.

“Oh.” Yoongi doesn’t know what else to say, that won’t be really creepy and intense. He knows what he  _ wants _ to say.  _ Why are you here? Will you please laugh more? Can I see your smile? Are you okay? Why won’t you talk to me?  _ For right now, Yoongi settles for something that isn’t even a question. “I’ve never heard you laugh.” All of a sudden Jimin’s face falls, all trace of laughter or smiles gone. Wiped out, like it was never even there, and Yoongi regrets it.

“It’s been a little while since I have.” Jimin replies, quietly. Yoongi remembers how long it took for him to smile, how he didn’t even know how. It seems Jimin has laughed before though, though maybe long ago - too long.

“Why?” Yoongi asks, brave and also a bit desperate. This is officially the most Jimin has ever said to him and he doesn’t want it to stop. He wants to hear more, to know more. The younger boy doesn’t seem to agree with him, doesn’t want to share anymore. He gets off the couch and goes to the boy’s room, shutting the door behind him without a word. Yoongi stares at the TV, thinks about how someone’s left him again. He falls asleep until Seokjin comes home from Seunghyun’s place and shakes his shoulders lightly. His face is ridden with concern.

“Is something wrong? You don’t usually sleep outside your bed.” Yoongi wishes he could lie to Seokjin sometimes, wants to make things easier for his best friend. Still, he can’t.

“Just felt like going somewhere else for a change.” Yoongi mumbles, rubbing at his eyes. He feels more tired than before he took the nap, his bones heavy with exhaustion. He wonders if he can even manage to get off the couch. Seokjin looks at him, gives a small smile that Yoongi doesn’t know how to appreciate right now.

“Did you go somewhere nice?” He asks.

“No.” Yoongi means it. He dreamt of chasing after the backs of people he can’t recognize. He never caught up.

 

The school year starts again, and Yoongi is a bit ashamed and nervous to be starting over the second grade with the same teacher. At the same time, he is grateful for it because at least she understands a little.

Yoongi wakes to see Seokjin’s bed already empty. He doesn’t worry about it, knows that the boy made a deal with Miss Watson about making breakfast for all the kids going to school every morning while she sleeps in, until she gets up to make breakfast for the younger kids.

He gets out of bed and, almost like a ritual, looks up to see how Jimin is doing. The only thing is, Jimin isn’t there. His bed is neatly made, as the younger boy always makes sure it is when he leaves it, and his small round body is nowhere to be found in the pale, crisp sheets. Yoongi does worry now, he thinks he can feel his heart clawing its way out of his ribcage. He just stands there and stares at the empty bed, trying to control his breathing a little, when the bedroom door opens. He looks to see Jimin standing in new clothes and his hair still kind of wet as he wipes at it with his towel. Yoongi holds back from running at him and gathering him in his arms. It’s strange. Yoongi has never been the one to want to hug, but now it almost feels like a need. He doesn’t hide the fact he’s staring at Jimin, his hands shaking slightly. Jimin notices and it seems he cares.

“Are you okay?” He asks tentatively, walking over to place the used towel in the hamper next to the desk. He keeps moving around, gathering small things like pencils and notebooks and putting them into a simple, light blue backpack. Yoongi wonders if it’s his favorite color.

Jimin is starting his first day of school today. Kindergarten, because after the caretaker was arrested and Miss Watson flew down from heaven like the angel she is, the children in the orphanage don’t have to wait for first grade anymore.

”Yoongi.” He snaps out of it at the sound of his name from Jimin’s mouth. The last time he had said it was after the bunk bed talk, and Yoongi had felt just as warm then as he does now.

“Hmm?” He hums in question, still staring at the dark haired boy.

“Are. You. Okay?” Jimin pauses in between each word, he’s talking like he means all business - like it’s important. Yoongi blinks, then moves his eyes away from Jimin at last.

“Yes. Are you?” 

“You better go shower.” Jimin answers immediately. It’s obvious he’s avoiding the question - which might as well be a direct ‘no’. Yoongi sighs, leaves the room without telling Jimin that he already took a shower last night. He goes to the kitchen where a sizable stack of pancakes already sits to the side of the frying pan Seokjin is using to make the delectable looking things.

“Looks good.” Yoongi says casually, walking to the other side of Seokjin and leaning on the counter behind him.

“Of course, I made it. Culinary genius, Kim Seokjin.” The taller boy smiles as he flips another pancake. “Can you gather all the others that are awake? We have to leave in about an hour. Don’t want anyone late on the first day.” Yoongi nods, figures he can talk to Seokjin later about Jimin. He needs to. Seokjin will know what to do, he always does. Yoongi refuses to let somebody else slip through his fingers, especially someone like Jimin. Before he leaves, he stops and lingers pondering over whether he should ask or not. He’s curious though, so he does.

“What’s a culeenairy genus?” Yoongi tries to repeat the words he heard Seokjin say. He’s only starting third grade this year but he’s been reading a lot at Seunghyun’s, or that’s what he tells Yoongi he does anyway, and he knows all these fancy new words that make Yoongi blank out.

“Culinary genius.” Seokjin corrects him. Yoongi shrugs. “Culinary is cooking stuff. A genius is just someone really really smart.”

“Genius,” Yoongi repeats, tasting the word on his tongue. He thinks that’s a pretty good word. He might use it some day, maybe even for himself. Yoongi smiles to himself, then slips out the archway to find the others. Jimin won’t really look him in the eyes when he tells him it’s time to eat.

They all eat round the dining table, taking however many pancakes they want. There’s plenty for everyone. The table conversation is about what everyone is excited for this year, what they don’t want to do, and the friends they hope they make. Yoongi hopes they make friends too. After all, Seokjin was able even if Yoongi never had. He figures it will be the same this year, and doesn’t let it bug him too much as he finishes his food and grabs his backpack along with everyone else.

The thing is, Yoongi is wrong.

 

He walks in slowly, relieved that no other kids from last year have repeated the grade. He doesn’t want them to see him around. The second graders will have lunch with the first graders, and while that means he won’t see Seokjin anymore - he’s still grateful for people that won’t really know he’s stuck there. Ms.Kim smiles at him as he comes through the door but the smile is the same smile directed at every other student that walks through the door. They have a secret now, but Yoongi doesn’t trust Ms.Kim to keep it. Yoongi doesn’t trust adults, and sometimes he wonders if he can trust anyone that he doesn’t already know - like Seokjin, the Lees, and Miss Watson. His mind flashes to Jimin for a second, but he ignores it for now. He wonders how the others feel in their classes right now. 

Yoongi takes the exact same desk as last year, the last one in the back by the window. He’s just looking out at the cloudless, fall sky when a particularly loud child enters the room shouting a ‘gooooood morning’ - he says it just like that - not just to Ms.Kim, but everyone in the room. Ms.Kim smiles at the boy, who returns it with a grin. Yoongi notices that he’s taller than him. It isn’t really a surprise. Everyone was taller than Yoongi, not that it doesn’t still irritate him. He watches the kid out of the corner of his eye, and to his surprise - and maybe horror - he takes the seat right next to him. Yoongi doesn’t turn to face him, so he doesn’t  _ see _ the grin he throws at him but he can almost  _ feel _ it burning into his side, bright and toothy and just  _ how is he this happy _ ?

The bell rings to start class and Ms.Kim introduces herself and the same facts Yoongi heard last year, but also a new one. She looks really happy as she tells everyone in the room, “My own son, Taehyung, has just started kindergarten today. I hope to do all I can for you as if you were him. Let’s get along.” Yoongi didn’t know she had a son. He wonders if Jimin will meet him, there’s a good chance they’re in the same class. She then tells everyone else to introduce themselves. They all say their full name, and then three facts about themselves. The loud boy next to him is the second to last, and Yoongi is last of course.

“I’m Jung Hoseok, nice to meet you all. One, I like dancing. Two, I really like food. And three, I’m going to make sure I see everyone here give me a smile because my mom told me that a smile is the best gift and I already gave all of you mine.” Some of the kids groan, much like Yoongi kind of wants to, and some actually smile at him right then. And then it’s his turn. He isn’t exactly ready but it isn’t like this is all that difficult really.

“I’m Min Yoongi. My favorite things are an mp3 player and headphones I got for my birthday. My favorite food is lamb skewers.” He pauses, he doesn’t really know what else he can share without getting too personal or sounding too depressing. Yoongi panics, his mind stuck on Hoseok’s stupid facts, and he says the first thing that comes to mind. “My best friend has a really nice smile.” He almost outwardly cringes at that. He hopes no one heard him, or if they had that they at least have the sense not to ever mention it again.

Hoseok says, “Better than yours?” And Yoongi already knows this boy is going to be a pain in the neck. He glares at him, but it’s like Hoseok doesn’t even know what it means because he’s just smiling and smiling and Yoongi just knows that his face hurts. He also knows, it’s entirely unlikely that he’ll stop. Yoongi makes it a point not to look at him again for the rest of the day, but then it’s origami time and Ms.Kim is helping the kids that don’t understand how to make these animals. Yoongi is trying to make a dog. He glances at Hoseok’s desk to see him carefully folding green paper corner over corner, he certainly knows what he’s doing. Soon he’s finished and happy with himself, he holds up his masterpiece.

“Yoongi-ah!” Yoongi can’t believe this. Even Seokjin doesn’t call him so familiarly, and now this kid who he hasn’t said a single word to is acting like he’s known him since birth. The shock makes him break his resolve and look at the undoubtedly younger  boy, he’s holding out his origami piece and smiling even wider than usual - if possible. “It’s a turtle. I think it looks a lot like you!” Yoongi doesn’t know why exactly, but he takes it as an insult - and loses it. His foot shoots out under his desk directly into the other’s shin and Hoseok yelps, gritting his teeth. For a second, Yoongi almost wants to thank him for not being a crybaby and getting him into trouble, but Hoseok doesn’t really talk to him for the rest of the day.

He thinks he’s finally gotten rid of his attention but then the bell to go lunch rings and Hoseok is running after him. “I don’t really have any friends yet. Want to eat together?” Yoongi just shrugs. There’s a slight silence and then Hoseok speaks again. “I didn’t really mean the turtle thing in a bad way.” Yoongi just shrugs again, but he doesn’t push him away or walk any faster like he could. After all, Yoongi isn’t all that used to eating alone anymore.

 

At the dinner table that day, everyone is talking about their day and Miss Watson asks each child that went to school that day if they’ve made any friends. Seokjin starts.

“I thought it’d be really hard if Seunghyun isn’t with me anymore, but it’s okay! My class is really nice and there’s this kid who’s like really young. Two years younger than us! He’s so smart he skipped grades. He’s a genius!” There’s that word again, Yoongi thinks. “His name is Namjoon, and he’s kind of cool. He reads a lot too! He knows a lot more words than I do.” Seokjin is kind of rambling, and Yoongi smiles a little at the enthusiasm and childishness of the boy. He’s finally acting his age. Miss Watson laughs and smiles at him, tells him that that’s great and then it’s on to the next. She asks Jimin if he’s made any friends, the young boy doesn’t look up but mumbles out something.

“What was that?” Yoongi asks, because he wasn’t expecting him to answer.

“Taehyung.” Jimin repeats, a little more coherently. Yoongi stares at him again. “What?”

“Kim Taehyung?” Yoongi asks. Jimin nods. Huh, funny how the world works. Miss Watson gives Jimin the same smile and then looks at Yoongi.

“What about you, Yoongi?” Miss Watson looks more concerned about him, as does Seokjin. They know the boy has trouble connecting with people. They know that he pushes them away.

“There’s this kid that sits next to me. Hoseok.” He starts, not sure why he’s sharing but he figures even Jimin said  _ something _ so he might as well, and he can’t lie. “He’s-”  _ A jerk, the worst, rude, a maniac who never stops smiling, he called me a turtle!  _ These are all the things that Yoongi thinks, but what he says is a simple, “he’s pretty alright. I guess.” Miss Watson and Seokjin smile at his answer, and he figures he’s passed this test - even if he’s surprised himself. But then, he catches Jimin staring at him just as he does him and all of a sudden he feels really self-conscious. “What?” Jimin just shrugs.

Later when they’re clearing the table together, the schedule putting their duties together this week, Yoongi sees Jimin staring at him again and he stops what he’s doing. “ _ What _ ?” He insists.

“Hoseok.” He says after just standing there, thinking of whether he should really give in. Yoongi does not expect that kid’s name to come out of this kid’s mouth and he’s taken aback.

“Huh?”

“Jung Hoseok?” Jimin looks at his feet, shuffling them and  _ jeez, is he blushing _ ?

“Yeah. You know him?” Yoongi asks, still kind of shocked. How would he though? They’re orphans. Is this a part of his past?

“I watch his videos. He’s a dancer.” Jimin mumbles, and gets back to clearing the table. He doesn’t say a word more that night. Yoongi doesn’t press. He was given another piece of the puzzle even it only confuses him more. Huh, funny how the world works.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never expected this fic to get so much love! Well any of my writing for that matter. I'm so grateful! 
> 
> Almost 70 kudos! That's amazing! Thank you all! 
> 
> And a special thank you to everyone that has left a comment! I don't know you guys realize how much that makes me happy. I love love love to read and reply to them! 
> 
> Thank you to ALL of my readers, especially to the ones who keep on coming back. 
> 
> Love you all! :*


	8. when everything goes wrong (you're where i belong)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoseok has a house key, apparently his parents aren’t home.
> 
> Yoongi takes note of that, hopes that it isn’t too regular a thing. 
> 
> He knows how it feels to be lonely even when you live with people who take care of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for how long it took to update again! I have been SO busy. But it's here! 
> 
> Tadah~ 
> 
> Enjoy! 
> 
> Chapter title from Where I Belong by Hometown

Yoongi doesn’t know what it’s like to have real friends. He has Jihoon and Seunghyun but they feel more like family, like the orphans at home. He sees them nearly every day and they know far more about him than any friend ever could, or so he thinks. The bottom line is, Yoongi doesn’t know how to act when Hoseok asks him to come over after school one day. He stops and stares at the cheerful boy, blinking once, twice, mouth slightly hanging open. 

“Well? Do you have to go home?” Hosek asks, eager to show his new friend his room. He got some new video games the other weekend and he’s getting kinda lonely playing alone lately. He figures Yoongi lives close enough - he sees the boy walk home sometimes - that it wouldn’t be such a big deal to take a detour every once in awhile.

“Is there something wrong?” Yoongi answers. The last time he was suddenly asked to come over to someone’s house, Jihoon needed help calming down after a night terror. His mother wasn’t able to do it herself, and so she asked for Yoongi’s help. He stayed the night, letting the smaller boy nuzzle into his side. He felt him sniffle but didn’t say anything. He knows how these things are. The morning should have brought an awkwardness but when they woke, they simply looked at each other and nodded. A silent confirmation of  _ ‘ Something was taken from you.This just happens.’ _

“What? No, I just want to hang out.” Hoseok’s face would be absolutely hilarious, eyes squinted with scowling lips, if Yoongi wasn’t so confused. He’s an orphan, this is the first year anyone has even talked to him in class. He wants to  _ just hang out? What kind of sorcery? _

“But,” Yoongi pauses, “why?”

“If you don’t want to come over, just say so.” Hoseok looks disappointed and upset. Yoongi doesn’t like the new emotions on the usually bright and outgoing boy, and he also has nothing against ‘hanging out’.

“No, that’s not it. Let’s go. If you want me to, let’s go.” Yoongi says timidly. He hopes he didn’t read the situation wrong. That’d be embarrassing. Hoseok’s usual smile is back and he all but skips ahead of Yoongi, leading the way.

 

Hoseok lives in a nice suburban community. The houses all look relatively the same, but they’re bigger than the houses Yoongi has seen before - not nearly as big as Seunghyun’s, but then again who’s would be? Hoseok has a house key, apparently his parents aren’t home. Yoongi takes note of that, hopes that it isn’t too regular a thing. He knows how it feels to be lonely even when you live with people who take care of you. He still remembers the strange drifting feeling when his grandfather would ignore him and his grandmother after that.

“Do your parents work a lot?” Yoongi manages to ask, as they set their bags in the living room and Hoseok goes to the kitchen to look for snacks. Yoongi awkwardly sits on the sofa, noting that the house isn’t very clean and there’s no photographs anywhere like in Seunghyun’s house. There’s also a strange musky smell. He doesn’t mention it.

“My dad does, yeah. He’s a mechanic. It’s just me and him, my mom died a while back.” Hoseok’s tone is soft and gentle. The sound of someone who has come to terms but wishes he didn’t have to. Yoongi feels a little guilty for bringing it up. His mother is still alive at least - he figures anyway, it’s a small comfort. Hoseok walks out of the small kitchen with arms overflowing with chips, cookies and some cans of soda. “Could you grab our stuff? We’re going to my room. Unless you’d rather stay out here?” He raises a brow. Yoongi shakes his head and picks up their backpacks, following Hoseok into the narrow hallway with three doors. He assumes it’s Hoseok’s room, his dad’s and a bathroom. Pretty simple. “Sorry about the mess, it’s just us guys in the house so me and dad don’t really bother cleaning all that much. Not until we can’t breathe.” Hoseok chuckles, and Yoongi smiles a bit at the joke. He relaxes. It’s clear that Hoseok’s home life isn’t broken, surely a little sad with the knowledge of the loss but not the defining aspect, it’s just a little different. Yoongi has always liked diversity anyway. He marvels as he steps into Hoseok’s room, the walls are a nice light green color with posters of what Yoongi assumes are people Hoseok looks up to. They’re all men, posing in strange ways with limbs in strange positions. Hoseok notices Yoongi staring and flushes before he jumps to explain. “Um! They’re dancers. I hope I can be as good as them someday.” Hoseok’s smile is different from usual now, holding some kind of warmth. The gesture outlining a dream that projects through the boy’s entire being. Yoongi is in awe, he hopes he can find such passion soon. He remembers the conversation with Jimin about two weeks ago, the shake in his voice as he asked if it was  _ the _ Jung Hoseok.

“Aren’t you a dancer too?” Yoongi asks as nonchalantly as he can, not wanting to seem like a stalker or something. Hoseok looks surprised.

“Kind of. How did you know?”

“Uh, I know someone who really likes your videos or something. He knew your name when I mentioned you one night.” Yoongi says awkwardly, arm rubbing at his neck and eyes averted.

“Whoa, really?” Yoongi really kind of likes the excitement in his friend’s voice at the new information. “You talked about me?” Yoongi stops, looks at him in disbelief.  _ That’s _ what he picked up on? Hoseok’s smile is as toothy as the first day he leaped into the classroom, a look of smugness written on his features. Yoongi scoffs.

“You just happened to come up.” There’s a sly turn to his lips as he says it though, because he also really kind of likes how excited his friend is to know he thinks of him. He kind of wonders if he thinks of him too. Not that he’d ever ask, what kind of weirdo would do that?

“Oh, well I told my dad about you.” Hoseok answers, moving to turn on the game console and log in to his account. Yoongi gulps, he didn’t expect parents to be involved. “Told him that my really grumpy desk partner kicked me on the first day.” There’s no hostility or blame in Hoseok’s tone, he’s just making another joke really. Yoongi still feels something stir in his lower stomach. Hoseok looks over to see Yoongi paling. “Hey, it doesn’t matter. You know, he just told me ‘I’m sure he’ll come around. It’s you, after all.’” Hoseok laughs nervously. “And look, he was right. You’re here, aren’t ya?” Yoongi hasn’t said a word, just sank further into Hoseok’s bed willing himself to disappear before the question he knows will come is asked. “Don’t you tell your dad about school?” There it is. Now Yoongi has to answer, honestly - because Min Yoongi has never been a liar, without giving away too much.

“I don’t know my dad.” He says evenly, looking straight at the screen that’s hovering over the new racing game Hoseok means to pull up but the other boy isn’t looking at the screen anymore. He shifts a little, searching for words.

“Oh. Sorry. Well, what about your mom?” Hoseok asks. Yoongi feels on edge, ready to run, head swimming.

“My mom left a long time ago.” His voice sounds far away from him, and not like his own.

Hoseok is about to say something else, he looks upset again and Yoongi wishes his answers didn’t have this effect on people. The sound of the front door opening can be heard from Hoseok’s room and a deep voice rings out.

“Hoseok, I’m home. Are you in your room?” Yoongi feels stuck, glued down to Hoseok’s comforter and eyes unmoving from the screen. A thought occurs to him, he didn’t tell anyone he was coming here. Part of him thinks that Seokjin is panicking right now, maybe even MIss Watson, knows that it’s closer to the truth than the part of him that screams ‘ _ it doesn’t matter, they don’t even know you’re gone, they wouldn’t even care _ ’. Hoseok’s father opens his bedroom door. He’s an average man, except that in the same moment he takes in Yoongi’s presence he gives a great big smile and there’s no doubt who Hoseok picked that up from. It explains the laugh lines on the man’s face, showing that he’s happy often. Yoongi wonders what that’s like. “Who do we have here?” His voice is warm, smooth. It reminds Yoongi of honey, dripping thickly onto a wooden floor.

“This is Yoongi, my friend. I told you about him before.” Hoseok answers, still a little awkward from the situation he caused. His dad laughs, and that’s strikingly familiar to Hoseok’s own laugh just as well.

“Ah, the kicker.” He smiles impossibly wider, Yoongi is astonished at how alike two people can be. He wonders if he’s like his own father, maybe his mother, and then shakes the wish to know away in the same moments. “Well, would you like to stay for dinner? I think we’ll just pop a pizza into the oven.” Hoseok looks at Yoongi, and Yoongi finally moves to look at him as well.

“I-” Yoongi starts. He realizes he wants to say yes, that even though there’s a strange tension between him and Hoseok now he’s drawn to the warmth of conversation between him and his father. He wants to experience it more. He wants to say yes, but he knows he can’t. Not tonight. “I should go home. They’re waiting for me.” Hoseok almost asks who ‘they’ are, because he’s not sure what Yoongi’s family looks like anymore. He had imagined a man just as grumpy as the older boy, and a mother who’s just as pale and thin - just as pretty. Yoongi stands, grabbing the strap of his backpack and gives a polite bow to Hoseok’s father and a quick nod to Hoseok. The boy waves at him and watches him step out the front door and disappear. He sighs.

“I think I messed up, dad.”

“Oh, he didn’t look mad to me. You can make up tomorrow.” His dad answers, and they launch into talk of how their day was waiting for the oven to tell them dinner is ready.

 

Yoongi runs back to the orphanage, his lungs burn but he couldn’t care any less because he needs to remind himself of who he is and there’s no better way. He expects to run through the door to an empty living room, everyone already split into their rooms and Miss Watson in her own doing adult things or watching a show she likes. He might even expect Seokjin to be over at Seunghyun’s again. He expects to be alone, to be reminded that he is always alone. He does not expect to be brought into the arms of at least five different people with tears dripping onto his clothes that aren’t his own. He doesn’t expect Jimin to be looking at him with an expression that says ‘ _ thank god _ ’ - like he had been waiting for him too. He doesn’t expect Seokjin to hit him lightly on the arms, yelling at him to tell him exactly where he’s been or the motherly scolding he receives from Miss Watson about asking for permission to go somewhere and making sure to notify her where he is at all times. He doesn’t expect their expressions to soften when his stomach growls loudly and urge him over to the table. He doesn’t expect Jimin to sit next to him, even though he already ate, and not say anything but just sit there and wait. He doesn’t expect to cry - but he does, loudly and hard with his shoulders heaving and breaths coming out in gasps. Seokjin hugs him tightly, not knowing exactly why but not needing to know to understand enough. Yoongi’s arms wind tightly around Seokjin’s waist and his nails dig into his skin. Yoongi is hanging onto what he sees he has, for the first time in his life, and he’s making sure he’s never letting go. Suddenly it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have a mother or father, because he does have a family. It’s different, but it’s his and warm and takes care of him. Yoongi is happy.

That night when he comes out of the bathroom, hair still damp from his shower and skin still warm, Jimin is standing outside. Yoongi raises a brow and Jimin hooks a thumb to the living room, indicating for him to follow. Jimin flicks the light switch on their way to the sofa and sits in the same spot he does when he’s watching TV. Yoongi sits in his, the furthest side. He watches in disbelief as Jimin gets up again and sits in the spot between the two spots, almost close enough for their legs to touch.

“What happened?” Jimin asks, voice low and eyes focused on his own hands. Yoongi barely even registers that Jimin is talking to him, taking initiative to talk to him  _ first _ .

“Huh?” Yoongi nearly whispers, mostly he’s talking to himself, voicing his confusion.

“You cried, harder than I’ve ever heard you.”

“That was the only time you heard me cry.” Yoongi almost laughs.

“You don’t exactly check when people are sleeping.” Yoongi flushes. Even Seokjin hadn’t said anything about his crying late at night, he’s taken aback at Jimin’s forwardness. He recollects himself and presses their conversation on.

“Okay. So?” He sounds cold, but he’s trying to save himself and hide his vulnerability. He doesn’t have to tell anyone anything.

“I just thought you might like to talk about it. You haven’t said anything to Seokjin hyung yet.” Jimin answers, just as unbothered and nonchalant - though he isn’t trying. Yoongi curses himself.

“How do you know I haven’t told anyone yet?” Yoongi asks. _ Why does this brat suddenly know everything about me or something? _

“You’re not the type. No one asked, so I am. Because I know. I know that it’s better to talk about it.” Jimin faces him, eyes focused on his unafraid. There’s something to the last phrase he says, something he almost tells Yoongi in those few words.

“I’m fine, Jimin.” Yoongi means this to be final. He’s the elder, and he’s not putting up with this. He feels less than Jimin, and he doesn’t like it.

“No, you’re not.” Jimin says. There’s no point in arguing with him, Yoongi can tell he won’t get anywhere. Still he bites back.

“Well neither are you.”

“At least I can admit it.” Yoongi is fed up, irritated, and he doesn’t even know why. Jimin isn’t being hostile, he’s just being different. He’s talking, he’s almost reaching out. Maybe, it’s Jimin that wants to talk, Yoongi thinks.

“Okay.” Yoongi finishes the small argument, leads on warily. “I went to a friend’s house.”

“You told us.” Jimin says softer, body leaving its tension and leaning back into the sofa cushion. “Is it-” Jimin hesitates, becomes shyer “Hoseok hyung?” For a moment, Yoongi feels jealous again like when he didn’t exactly like Seunghyun.

“Why does it matter?” Yoongi defends. “Just a friend.” Jimin nods in acknowledgement, leaves it alone. Yoongi feels bad, comes up with an idea. “Do you want to meet him?” He asks, looking at Jimin who was already sort of flushed and pulling at the shorts he sleeps in. His eyes widen and he looks up at Yoongi to, leaning back a bit when he notices how close they are.

“C-Can I?” Jimin asks. Yoongi still feels jealous at the way Jimin is anticipating the confirmation. He doesn’t know what’s so great about Hoseok. He’s not a bad guy, he’s his friend actually - but he’s just loud and way too happy to be normal, and he’s just Hoseok.  _ Why does Jimin treat him like the stars above or something? _

“Yeah, sure. I can ask him about it tomorrow.” Yoongi continues. JImin’s eyes light up and he’s smiling again. Yoongi thinks that this is probably worth it because Jimin smiles next to never and it’s  _ such _ a nice smile. Jimin can’t contain his happiness, he jumps over and hugs Yoongi. His limbs not quite reaching around past the sofa and Yoongi’s awkwardness and so the hug is tense but Jimin doesn’t care right now.

“Thank you, thank you so much hyung!” Jimin whisper yells, all run together in his excitement. Yoongi pats his shoulder, and Jimin pulls back. Yoongi doesn’t miss how much his eyes seem to sparkle all of a sudden. He doesn’t miss the way he’s smiling like Hoseok was smiling when talking about his dance.

“Why do you like him so much anyway?” Yoongi asks, curious.

“Oh he’s just so good! He’s really young but he’s like a dance master!” Jimin is all energy now, he leaps up off the couch and demonstrates what must be moves he’s seen Hoseok do on YouTube. Yoongi marvels at how fluid and graceful Jimin is himself.

“Whoa, you’re really good too.” Yoongi voices, pauses and blushes again. “I think. I don’t know anything about dance.” Jimin is blushing too, suddenly aware of what he just showed his hyung. He hasn’t danced in front of many people before, he’s too shy and he’s not very good anyway.

“I- no, I’m not good.” Jimin mumbles.

“I’m pretty sure you’re better than most kids.” Yoongi insists, not fond of the way Jimin suddenly shrinks into himself. They hear a door open and Seokjin appears, arms crossed like he’s the authority here. He kind of is, the kids listen to him just as much as Miss Watson. Even Yoongi.

“What do we have here?” Seokjin says in his best adult voice. Yoongi wants to laugh. “Why are you still awake, hooligans?”

“Hooligans?” Yoongi mutters.

“It’s a new word Namjoon taught me! It means kids that don’t listen. Pretty cool right?” Seokjin suddenly changes back to his childish self, and that just makes Yoongi want to laugh even more.

“Yes, hyung. It’s pretty cool. I’m a hooligan.” Yoongi smiles softly. Seokjin smiles back, and Jimin stands there shifting from foot to foot.

“Well, um, I guess just make sure you go to sleep in like” he looks at the clock on the wall and sticks his tongue out to count the dashes the longer hand has passed.  “five minutes.” With that, he just smiles one more time, says a ‘good night’, and leaves.

Yoongi looks at Jimin and lets out a little chuckle. “Sometimes hyung is so funny. Don’t you think?” Jimin smiles and nods. “We should go to bed. I’ll talk to Hoseok tomorrow.” He notes that first he’ll have to apologize, he hopes it won’t be too hard. Jimin gives him another quick hug. 

“Thank you, hyung. You’re the best.” Jimin lets go and runs off first. Yoongi stands there, still feeling the smaller boy’s arms around him and some kind of pride.  _ He might look up to Hoseok, but I’m the best,  _ he tells himself with a smirk. He hits the lights on the way out and hopes that Hoseok likes Jimin just as much as he does, and then ignores the part of him that says  _ well maybe just a little less _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEHEHHHHH HOSEOK IS THE ANGEL WE ALL NEED IN OUR LIVES
> 
> And hey, Jimin opening up. Nice. 
> 
> I hope you liked it. 
> 
> I love comments! Please leave one if you feel like it. I love you all ~~~


	9. this is where we both get scared (this is where emotion flares)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoongi can’t imagine being an ‘only child’ anymore when he’s lived with this big family for so long now.   
> His past is fading even in his memories, and he’s not sure how to feel about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mild Homophobia mentioned, "fag" used 
> 
> Also, anyone named Jinsoo I'm sure you're is a fine person and all. He's just a kid I made up. Feel free to call him Oinkers instead. . _ . 
> 
> WELL HERE IT IS ANOTHER CHAPTER! I am really fond of this chapter. There's a lot of character development... plot development. And the final member of BTS is mentioned. Hehe. He shall be arriving soon! 
> 
> There's a lot of laughs, some fluff. But there's also some angst. Like... it was painful for me to write. It's all just implied for now but - yeah. 
> 
> Chapter Title from Navigate Me by Cute Is What We Aim For 
> 
> Enjoy~

“ _ Hey _ .” Yoongi says at exactly the same time as Hoseok, as the latter walks over to his desk and sets his bookbag down. They awkwardly smile at each other and Yoongi hangs his head, looking at fingers that twirl around each other like the nerves that tangle his insides. Hoseok takes it as his cue to go first. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, because Ms.Kim has already started the morning English lessons. It’s fine since both the boys already know a lot of basic English on their own. Seokjin teaches Yoongi what Namjoon teaches him, and Hoseok learned from his father. Yoongi looks at Hoseok, confusion obvious in his expression.  _ What does Hoseok have to apologize for?  _ The younger boy goes on, “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable yesterday. My dad told me that not everyone has the same kind of family. I guess I should have known, since my own isn’t normal.” 

“There is no normal.” Yoongi surprises even himself. “There’s just family. There’s no rules for family.” He sounds a lot wiser than he ever has, and he wonders when he figured this out seemingly all by himself. Still he feels kind of proud when Hoseok smiles at his answer and nods in agreement. “Um, I’m sorry too.” He adds nervously. He’s not good at doing this. He’s never really felt the need to apologize.

“Huh?” Now it’s Hoseok’s turn to be confused, each boy never thinking the other had wronged them in the first place.

“I just left.” Yoongi explained. “I wanted to stay.” He adds. He wants Hoseok to know that he likes him, his dad, and his house. “I just had to go home. I was worrying a lot of people.” Hoseok laughs, loudly because he doesn’t know how else to laugh and Ms.Kim’s expression isn’t a nice one.

“Boys, if you aren’t quiet I’ll have to move both your cards.” She stands at the front of the room, arms crossed like adults do when they’re trying to be scarier than usual. It never really works on Yoongi. He knows what real scary adults look like. “Or I’ll have to speak with your parents.” She adds, looking pointedly at Yoongi. He knows it’s a warning especially for him. Hoseok looks at Yoongi as well, even more confused than before since Yoongi said he doesn’t have a mom or dad. He bites his tongue about it, figuring it’s not something Yoongi wants to talk about here at school. The other kids are snickering at them, and Yoongi looks really upset again. Hoseok doesn’t like it one bit. No one makes his friend sad.

“But Ms.Kim, we already know all of this.” He states matter of factly. Ms.Kim’s frown deepens. It isn’t like the woman didn’t know they were ahead of the class, but she doesn’t like the disrespect she’s shown.

“Don’t you think you should let the rest of the class learn instead of interrupting the class with your laughter?” Her hip moves to the side. She thinks she’s won.

“Don’t you think they shouldn’t be laughing at us?” Hoseok bites back. It bothers him. Why are they getting in trouble for being happy? The other kids are being mean, for no reason, and none of it feels right. A chubby kid in the front with a nose that kind of reminds Hoseok of a pig laughs louder at him.

“Are you going to cry like a girl?” The kid yells from the front of the room. Ms.Kim gasps and tries to scold him but Yoongi is already piping up in response.

“Why don’t you practice saying ‘hello’ a little more, oinkers?” He smirks. Hoseok laughs loudly again, high fiving Yoongi as he stays glaring at the kid who’s turned red out of a mixture of embarrassment and anger.

“Yoongi!” Ms.Kim yells. She walks up quickly to his side, motions for him to stand up and Yoongi isn’t a difficult child. He does as he’s told. She leads him out of the room, into the hallway, and closes the door behind them. She looks at him with all the disapproval in the world, but Yoongi doesn’t really care. He stares straight ahead. “What is wrong with you today? You’re usually such a quiet boy.” He shrugs. “Yoongi, I’m going to have to speak with your guardian.” Suddenly Yoongi’s head snaps up to look at her. The door opens behind them and Hoseok’s head pokes through.

“Ms.Kim,” he looks really worried about something, his voice is a little shaky.

“Hoseok, go back into the classroom.” She orders.

“But - Ms.Kim,” Hoseok protests.

“Jung Hoseok, if you do not go back inside this instant, I will separate you two and have a conference with both your parents.” Yoongi is looking at Hoseok with concern, there’s something off about the boy and there’s a commotion inside the classroom he can hear. Ms.Kim seems to notice the noise as well. She moves Hoseok aside, and Yoongi can see more than just his head now. More importantly, he sees his fist. It’s covered in red, and shaking.

“Hoseok?” Yoongi’s voice seems far away again. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like seeing red on his friends’ skin anymore. He feels himself growing fainter, the hallway seemingly moving in on him. He hears Hoseok shout and run over just in time to, at least attempt, to catch him before he faints.

 

Yoongi wakes up in the familiar nurse’s office, Seokjin is next to him holding his hand. Hoseok is in a cushioned wooden office chair just across looking at him with worry. His fist is clean, red in discoloration but not stained. Yoongi blinks and tries to sit up. Seokjin stops him with his free hand firmly on his chest; Yoongi lies back down.

“How did you get out of class?” Yoongi asks, staring up at the ceiling. Seokjin isn’t a brother. He wonders how the school let him stay by his side when he isn’t even in the same grade.

“I was walking back to class from the bathroom when I saw Ms.Kim with about three kids running towards the offices. The one in her arms, unconscious, was you.” Seokjin’s voice is flat, low. He’s really upset. Hoseok stands from the chair, steps closer and leans next to Seokjin.

“What happened?” Hoseok whispers. “I think - I mean, I feel like it’s my faul-”

“Are you okay?” Yoongi still doesn’t look at either of them, focusing on the spot right above him.

“Huh?”

“You were bleeding.” Yoongi’s breath hitches for a second. Seokjin’s eyes widen with understanding and he squeezes Yoongi’s hand.

“No, that- that wasn’t my blood.” Hoseok holds a hand to his neck. Yoongi turns his head to look at him.

“Who’s was it?” He asks; he doesn’t believe him. He’s just trying to make him feel better. Who’s blood would it be if not his?

“That kid at the front of the room.” Hoseok says. He sounds embarrassed, regretful. “When you left the room, he said something.” He looks at Yoongi, whose eyes haven’t left any part of Hoseok. “About you. I got mad.” Hoseok sighs. “So I punched him, and I broke his nose.” There’s a laugh to the side of the room, and the source of it steps into view. The kid is tall, probably a fifth grader. He’s really lanky, and his smile makes deep dimples show on his cheeks that grow fuller.

“Namjoon,” Seokjin says in more worry, standing to push the kid back. Namjoon. Yoongi knows that name. _ Namjoon. Genius. Ah. That kid. _

“No, wait.” He walks up to Hoseok. Yoongi knows Namjoon is supposed to be in their grade. He’s probably only seven, but the giant looks like he could be right up there in fifth grade and with the stories Seokjin tells him about him, his brain would fit in just as well. “That’s pretty cool. That was the first time you hit someone right?” Hoseok visibly gulps and nods. Namjoon laughs again. “You throw a pretty good first punch then! Broke his nose on the first try. I’d make you a trophy if I could.” He pats Hoseok on the back, and the frightened boy slowly starts to smile back at him.

“Don’t encourage violence!” Seokjin whisper shouts at Namjoon, who merely grins at him as well.

“Practicing the new words I taught you?” Seokjin blushes and looks to Yoongi again. Yoongi doesn’t question why Namjoon is in the nurse’s office with them. He kind of gets the idea that the kid who’s (irritatingly) younger than him is bored with a school that has nothing to offer and probably wanders around often enough to stumble across scenes like this. He probably just got lucky someone he actually knows was involved in it all.

“Are you okay, Yoongi?” Seokjin asks, brushing Yoongi’s hair out of his eyes lovingly.

“I feel fine now. I don’t really know what happened.” Yoongi answers, ever the honest child.

“You should tell Mrs.Lee about this when you see her next weekend.” Seokjin suggests and Yoongi nods in agreement. He sits and scoots to the edge of the leather sofa bed. Hoseok stands to sit beside him.

“Hoseok,” Yoongi starts, and the boy beside him jumps a little. “What did he say about me?”

“He said I’m _ probably _ ” he says it exactly the way the other kid did, with teasing doubt “normal enough to find friends that aren’t mute fags like you.” Hoseok looks at Yoongi, gauging his reaction. “I didn’t even know what he meant by all of it, but it made me really angry.”

“What’s a fag?” Yoongi repeats the offensive word, and Namjoon steps in.

“Not a word anyone should be using. Not one that should even exist really.” His expression is serious all of a sudden. Seokjin stands beside him, lightly touching his wrist as though he’s scared of someone else in the room.

“Tell me what it means.” Yoongi says, suddenly irritated. He’s tired of being left out of the picture he was stuck into by somebody else.

“It means a homosexual.” Namjoon offers up. Everyone looks at him in their own way. Seokjin with eyes that say ‘What does that one mean?’ as if he’s used to it already. Hoseok with eyes that say ‘I think I’ve heard it before, but could you explain?’ and Yoongi with ‘Are you kidding me? What does _ that _ mean?’. Namjoon chuckles before his expression goes cold again. “A boy who likes a boy, a girl who likes a girl. People don’t really agree with them. At least not here, in Korea.”

“Oh. So I’m a fag?” Seokjin asks, tone nonchalant. Namjoon’s eyes widen. 

“I guess? How do you know?”

“I have a boyfriend.” Seokjin shrugs. Namjoon’s shoulders fall the slightest bit.

_ “ _ Then I guess you know you like boys, but you’re not a fag. No one is a fag.” Namjoon half growls.

“But why does it matter to them? Why is it wrong to like who you like?” Hoseok asks innocently.

“It isn’t wrong. It shouldn’t matter to anyone. I don’t understand it either. That’s just the way it is I guess. I think a lot of it is because of the Bible but I don’t believe in that stuff. It’s just a book.” Namjoon answers matter of factly. Yoongi is in complete awe of the boy. He’s so different, but Yoongi feels he probably knows a lot more than he’d ever tell anyone. He decides he likes him just fine.

“Well I like Hoseok. If that makes me a homosexual or whatever, then that’s fine.” Yoongi says. He watches everyone begin to stare at him. Hoseok is bright red, Namjoon is grinning a little and Seokjin’s hand is over his heart.

“You didn’t tell me anything about this! I mean, I guess I kind of guessed when you talked about him but-” Seokjin starts to ramble.

“Huh?” Yoongi asks, more confused than before on the subject.

“You said you liked Hoseok.” Seokjin repeats. The boy in question turns impossibly redder, and squeaks a little.

“Well yeah. We’re friends.” Yoongi’s brows are raised. Hoseok looks at him in disbelief, his mouth open. Namjoon laughs like before. Seokjin giggles a little as well.

“More than friends. You’d have to like boys more than just friends to be gay, Yoongi.” Namjoon says between more laughing fits. 

“What does that mean?” Yoongi scowls. He feels like a fool. 

“It’s like you hold hands and hug and stuff.” Seokjin tries to help.

“But I do that with you.”

“Well you have to kiss and stuff too.” Seokjin tries again, smiling in amusement at Yoongi’s naivete.

“Oh, like you kiss Seunghyun when he leaves?” Yoongi asks. Namjoon’s shoulders fall a little more. Seokjin burns up into red. “Well, I guess I just haven’t found someone to do that with.” Yoongi shrugs, standing up and stretching. “We should all go back to class.” He says matter of factly, ready to be responsible and older again.

“It’s almost the end of the day, kiddo.” Namjoon answers. “You’ve been out a long while.” Hoseok steps up to Yoongi and clears his throat, a little less red. 

“We have a conference.” He tells him. “With our parents.” Yoongi feels a cold chill all of a sudden. “But… I thought you said you don’t have-”

Namjoon steps in, Seokjin behind him looking worried. “Well you better get going then. Wouldn’t want to make Ms.Kim more angry.” Yoongi nods and without thinking, takes Hoseok’s hand in his and sets off and out of the nurse’s office.

 

Namjoon runs a hand through his gelled hair, and turns back to Seokjin. 

“Thanks. Yoongi has a lot of problems with - well, you know.” Seokjin says with a sad smile.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Namjoon says. “Why didn’t you tell me you have a boyfriend?”

Seokjin looks surprised, blushes once more. “It doesn’t seem like something that matters in our usual conversations.”

“Does he go here?”

“He used to. He’s in sixth now.” Seokjin answers quickly, eager to end the embarrassing conversation.

“Oh, so you’re into older guys?” Namjoon tries to feel him out.

“I’m ‘into’ Seunghyun.” He says with a pout, and moves to the door. “We better get going. You should go home, Namjoon.” He opens the door and leaves. Namjoon stays there, disappointed and hurt.

 

“Mr. Jung, your son broke Jinsoo’s nose.” Ms.Kim says strictly. Yoongi and Hoseok are sitting to the side of their respective guardians. Yoongi is sweating buckets. He’s nervous because he doesn’t know how Hoseok will react to his truth. He keeps glancing over at the boy to his side, blocked by his upset father. Hoseok is crying, sniffling in between sobs. HIs father rubs at his back, and then answers Ms.Kim with a question. 

“What did Jinsoo do to get a broken nose from my Hoseok?” Yoongi is suprised. He’s never met an adult that believes in a child before another adult.

“I’m - not sure.” Ms.Kim falters. 

“What did he do?” His father asks Hoseok.

“He- h-” Ms.Kim offers a tissue to Hoseok, who takes it and blows his nose before continuing, “he called Yoongi a mute fag.” He sobs a little more after he gets out the sentence. Hoseok’s father tenses and Miss Watson gasps. Ms.Kim looks nervous.

“I believe that’s called bullying, Ms. Kim.” Hoseok’s father accuses.

“Yes, and I’ll be sure to speak with Jinsoo as well.” Her voice is meeker. “But, Hoseok has broken a very strict rule. He’ll need to be suspended.” Hoseok’s father sighs, but nods. 

“I understand.” Hoseok lets out another sob and whispers an ‘ _ I’m sorry _ .’ Yoongi gets mad.

“That’s not fair! Jinsoo started it!” He yells. Miss Watson gestures for him to sit back down, and he does so still fuming. Ms.Kim starts to talk to Miss Watson.

“Yoongi has been disregarding our classroom rules and interrupting the other children’s lessons.”

“That doesn’t make much sense, Ms.Kim. Yoongi is the quietest child I’ve seen.” Miss Watson defends Yoongi. He doesn’t care about this petty stuff. He’s still mad about Hoseok’s unfair punishment. His friend is  _ crying _ , and none of this is really his fault.

“Yes, I was surprised as well. I would advise you speak to him about selfishness. He seems to think he’s above the others.” Yoongi can’t believe how much Ms.Kim has changed. He wonders what her son is like. He can’t possibly be like her, if Jimin likes him. Miss Watson scoffs.

“Yoongi being selfish. Now that’s an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one. We attended your conference, I assume this is as far as it may go. Yoongi will be seeing you in class again tomorrow morning.” Miss Watson stands, and the rest of the room follows. Ms.Kim sits at her desk exasperated.

 

When the door is opened Yoongi is met with Seokjin standing against one wall reading some book he’s never heard of and, to add to his surprise, Jimin. The smaller boy is talking to someone he’s never met or seen. The boy is a bit taller than Jimin even when sitting and his skin is olive, his hair falls into his eyes in the messiest way he’s ever seen and he’s wearing a purple sweater with Hello Kitty all over it. They’re whispering between each other, Jimin not noticing Yoongi standing in the doorway. Yoongi keeps watching, until he sees Jimin smile and then  _ laugh _ . Behind him, Hoseok’s father is trying to calm his crying son with promises of pancakes and days with his dad while he’s on a ‘little break’ from school. He steps out into the hallway and Seokjin runs to him, giving him a quick hug. Yoongi hugs back, sighing and letting out some nerves. He still has to talk to Hoseok. As if on cue, Hoseok steps up beside Yoongi and wipes at his eyes. Seokjin reaches out a hand and pats his shoulder with a smile. Hoseok gives a small smile back. Miss Watson is talking with Hoseok’s father, Yoongi can hear the words ‘over for dinner’ and his heart jumps in his chest but before he can act on it or ask Hoseok if he hates him now, the new kid runs over with Jimin in tow.

“Hi! You’re that dancer guy, right? Jimin is in love with you!” The boy smiles, an interesting sight to see because the gesture makes a little box appear under his nose. Jimin squeaks behind him and turns bright red. Hoseok just laughs.

“Hey. Yeah, I guess I’m him.” He looks behind the interesting character to look directly at Jimin and waves. “Hello, Jimin.” Jimin struggles to wave back.

Miss Watson suddenly talks louder, speaking to all the children that ‘belong’ to her with a smile. “We’re having Hoseok and his father over for dinner tonight, everyone. Make sure to be on your best behaviors.” Seokjin smiles at Hoseok, Yoongi turns pale and Jimin turns redder still. The new boy’s small shoulders slump and his smiles fades. Miss Watson sees him and walks closer to the pair. “Who is this, Jimin? Your friend?”

Ms.Kim steps out of her classroom, locking the door behind her and turns to find the group. “Oh!” She jumps. “Taehyung, it’s time to go home.” Yoongi had an inkling of an idea of who the boy was, the resemblance between mother and son apparent.

“Ms.Kim, I was wondering if you’d like to come over as well?” Miss Watson smiles at the woman, a genuine smile because the worst is over and no one truly wanted to be in the situation anyway.

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to impose. That’s a lot of food to prepare.” Ms.Kim starts to decline, but then looks at Taehyung pouting with eyes tearing up and Jimin beside him who looks hopeful.

“Oh, it would be no trouble. I have a great helper, here.” She ushers Seokjin over with her arm, who smiles and bows slightly. “We usually make more food than we can finish anyway. It’s not as hard to feed six kids as I thought.” She chuckles warmly. Yoongi thinks if Seokjin is his mother, Miss Watson is a lot like a grandmother might be. “Please, the more the merrier. Besides, look at those two. They can’t be separated just yet.” Taehyung nods his head vigorously at his mother.

“Please, eomma! Pretty please?” He whines. Ms.Kim smiles and gives in.

“I suppose if you’re willing to have us. I’d love to meet the rest of Yoongi’s family.”

Yoongi nearly passes out again.

  
  


Dinner is delicious. There’s tons of food to go around, and it seems to taste even better with their guests. Yoongi sits in between Seokjin and Hoseok. Jimin sits between Hoseok and Taehyung though he talks more to Hoseok since Taehyung is occupied with playing with the younger kids even at the table. 

“He’s an only child. He’s always wanted a little brother or sister, so he loves to play with the younger kids.” Ms.Kim explains. The adults _ aww _ and Yoongi can’t imagine being an ‘only child’ anymore when he’s lived with this big family for so long now. His past is fading even in his memories, and he’s not sure how to feel about it. Seokjin looks a little upset tonight, so he nudges him and asks with his eyes. Seokjin just shakes his head, and continues to pick at his food. Yoongi becomes even more concerned since if Seokjin isn’t eating, there’s definitely something going on. He excuses himself from the table, and hopes Seokjin will follow. He does.

“What’s wrong, Seokjin?” he asks, worried.

“I just- I wish I had tried to invite Namjoon too, maybe.” He wrings his hands.

“Oh, well I’m sure Namjoon is happy eating with his own family too.” Yoongi tries to offer as consolation. Seokjin pales and tears start to drop down over his waterline. “What? What did I say?” Yoongi panics. Seokjin just starts to shake his head again, and then excuses himself to an early bed. Yoongi feels awful. He’s just standing there, thinking about what he should do when Jimin puts a hand on his back.

“Don’t worry about it, hyung. He’s probably just worried about something with his friend. You can talk to him later.”

“I know.” Yoongi says quietly, a little defeated. He feels so tired. Today has taken a lot out of him.

Hoseok comes over to the other two, and Yoongi sees another fine blush spread over Jimin’s cheeks. “Hey, Yoongi. Jimin wants me to teach him some dance moves. I guess I’ll have something to do while I’m suspended.” He grins, all teeth and brightness. Yoongi feels a really strange conflict starting inside his heart. “Your family is really cool.” Hoseok says after a pause, says it with meaning - like he knew exactly why Yoongi has been so nervous.

“You - you don’t care that I’m-” Yoongi starts to ask.

“Why would it make any difference?” Hoseok shakes his head. “Jimin here is the cutest little thing I’ve ever seen. To think I might have never met him without you being who you are.” He pinches at the younger boy’s cheeks. Yoongi’s chest hurts for a second, for a multitude of reasons. Jimin is so red that Yoongi almost worries he’ll overheat. Taehyung runs over with Chan hanging onto his pinkie finger, and Jisoo hanging on to Chan’s arm. They’re squealing, Taehyung as well. Yoongi watches the younger boy smile and laugh with the little ones, and hopes he’ll come over more often.  _ He makes Jimin laugh _ , Yoongi thinks. Jungyeon and Momo run after the others, they’re playing some kind of tag. Taehyung comes back and pulls on Jimin’s arm.

“Chimchim! Play with us!” Taehyung yells. Chan has started to climb the taller boy, hanging around the other’s neck. Jimin laughs and falls into the fray. Hoseok laughs while looking at them, and Yoongi smiles fondly as well.

“It’s a shame Namjoon isn’t here.” Hoseok mutters, and Yoongi feels kinda guilty again.

“Do you know him?” Yoongi asks.

“Not too much, but he’s come to some of my shows. He has this kid he babysits, he’s really young. Like Chan’s age, maybe. He’s into dance.” Hoseok answers over the noise of the squealing children. Taehyung is under a pile of them, only his arms can be seen flailing around. Jimin tries to pull him out, but only falls to his own sticky fingered demise. “He’s really smart.”

“Yeah, Seokjin says he’s a genius.” Yoongi says. “What about the kid?” He’s interested. Namjoon sounds like a really good guy. He wonders why Seokjin cried when he mentioned his family. He hopes it isn’t something like them, something broken and sad.

“Well he practically raises him.” Hoseok says sadly. “His name is Jeongguk. Cute boy, big dreams already. Namjoon tries so hard to do what he can for him. His own parents don’t really do anything. I think they might not even feed the kid.” Hoseok sighs. “I keep meaning to tell my dad about them. Maybe he can figure something out.” Yoongi feels a little sick.  _ Jeongguk _ . He’ll remember that name. He feels like he’s family too, even if he’s never met him.

“What about Namjoon’s family?” Yoongi asks. He’s scared to hear the answer.

“To be honest, I don’t really know. Never heard anything about them. Maybe ask Seokjin later, when he’s calmed down.” Yoongi feels even more uneasy. He thinks he should talk to Mr.Lee. After all, he helped all of them. The room settles and as the evening goes on, people start to leave. Ms.Kim takes Taehyung first, the small boy already sleeping on the couch. He has to be carried into the cab in his mother’s arms, refusing to wake up to walk himself. Hoseok’s father thanks Miss Watson half a million times and takes his son home with a big smile, talking of how nice everyone is at the orphanage and how Hoseok should come over more often. Yoongi can barely believe it.

 

Jimin is asleep on the couch when Yoongi helps Miss Watson clean up.

“Thank you for sticking up for me, Miss Watson.” Yoongi says politely but genuinely.

“Anything you ever need, Yoongi. You just tell me.” Miss Watson replies and places a kiss on his forehead. “Make sure you go to bed soon, I have some laundry to fold.” She goes off to her own bedroom. Yoongi is left in the silence, thinking of everything that went on.  _ Fag, Jeongguk, he makes Jimin laugh. _

“Hyung?” He hears from the living room. Jimin is awake.

“Yeah, Jimin?” Yoongi sighs. He’s exhausted. He’s ready for bed.

“Thank you. I got to meet one of my heroes, because of you, hyung.” Jimin mumbles. He’s still tired too.

“Well he’s my friend.” Yoongi replies. He’s not sure why he said something so vague, so indifferent.

“Just a friend?” Jimin’s answers are becoming more incomprehensible, his eyes drooping all the more with each second.

“Yes. Why?” Yoongi is curious.

“Sometimes you guys look at each other like Seokjin hyung looks at Seunghyun hyung.” And with that, Jimin nearly falls asleep. Yoongi ushers him to their bedroom. In his own bed, he has trouble falling asleep with Jimin’s words on his mind.  _ Well I like Hoseok _ , Yoongi’s own voice circles his mind.  _ What did I really mean by that? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments! I love comments! I want to know what people think of my stories ; _ ; 
> 
> Also, I don't have classes on Wednesday, so like... I could probably upload another chapter then. No guarantees, but I'd like to. 
> 
> I hope you liked it. Thank you for reading! I LOVE YOU ALL!


	10. there's no need for answers (just the things you gotta do)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m so sorry.”  
> He’s talking to Hoseok, but it’s more than that.  
> He’s talking to Yoongi too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I would update. Did I update? I updated! 
> 
> Voila! Enjoy~
> 
> Chapter Title from Touch by Troye Sivan (aka my gay son)

The rest of the week isn’t fun, because Yoongi is forced to go to school, curse Miss Watson for caring about his education like a good guardian, but Hoseok isn’t there with him and the kids’ indifference towards Yoongi turns to some kind of hatred. Yoongi finds out that Jinsoo is suspended as well, though for a shorter time - and that doesn’t calm Yoongi’s anger one bit, but his friends - or cohorts - are present and malicious. Yoongi hasn’t been able to eat lunch for two days so far, the food either ending up on his own clothes or the floor when one of the boys flips it up ‘by accident’.  _ How is that even possible?  _ Yoongi is kind and quiet, but he’s no one’s bathmat. He doesn’t stand for it very long. The next time someone bothers him,  _ Do you even know how to speak?,  _ he says something back,  _ Not at all, idiot _ ,  or throws their stuff on the ground. Yoongi much prefers no one talking to him to this bullying. It’s just irritating; he’s not as bothered as they think. Either way, he’s still more angry about Hoseok’s situation because he’s started to come over after school for two or three hours to spend some time with the younger boy, and it’s obvious he’s lonely and still feels guilty for it all. His father isn’t able to take much time off work, and they need the money anyway, and so Hoseok is often home alone and subject to his own self deprecating thoughts. 

“I just didn’t know I could be so stupid.” Hoseok said, the first time Yoongi had come over after that day, as they played Mario Kart much too competitively to be healthy. Yoongi had dropped the remote, slapped both hands on each side of Hoseok’s head and stared into his eyes with his best glare.

“You’re only stupid when you say things like that.” Yoongi had said, reassured in his own way. “You think I’d be friends with an idiot?” He added, throwing in the joke to ease the awkward silence trying to settle over them. Hoseok had laughed, his teeth showing again while his eyes tried to hide away. Yoongi smiled slightly as well, crossing the finish line before Hoseok even with the setback.

“I’m lucky to have a friend like you then.” Hoseok had added later as an afterthought. Yoongi wondered if he knew how much it had meant that someone wanted him around, just to be around.

 

The weekend comes, and Hoseok’s suspension is officially over the coming Monday. He’ll be in school again, and Yoongi only hopes that the bullies won’t come after him as well. He might be the one taking his turn getting suspended if they try. He wakes up on Saturday morning to Seokjin shaking him awake, hissing at him to hurry and make himself presentable. Yoongi blinks, groggy and irritated at the rude awakening. 

“What? What? Is there a fire or something?” Yoongi grumbles, sitting up slowly with his hair sticking out in disarray. He looks over at Chan sleeping soundly on the top bunk across Yoongi’s bottom and grudgingly thinks of how lucky the boy is to be so young that sleeping is considered an achievement and not laziness like Yoongi often hears lately. He’s not lazy, he just enjoys sleep. Sometimes he has nice dreams, though honestly that’s pretty rare. 

“No, Mrs.Lee is here.” Seokjin answers, trying to make Yoongi’s bed with him still in it.

Yoongi groans in response. “I don’t even need to talk, I’m fine.” He forces himself to stand and look through his clothes for a decent outfit, slipping a t-shirt over his bare chest. Seokjin side eyes him. “What?” He’s not lying. There’s nothing really wrong with Yoongi anymore. He just has a lot of nightmares, and sometimes he gets anxious. It isn’t anything he can’t handle.

“What about what happened on Monday?” Seokjin asks, arms crossed with a brow raised and a frown acquired ike the mother he is.  _ Monday? Oh, the fainting. _

“Is that really such a problem?” Yoongi tries to sound nonchalant. He hates making people worry, and that day at least three people had worried for such a stupid reason.

“No, not at all. We love seeing you fall to the floor with your eyes rolling back into your head.” Seokjin says sarcastically. Yoongi thinks to punch Namjoon in the arm when he sees him next, no doubt he’s been teaching Seokjin new techniques to be a smart ass. Thinking of Namjoon, his thoughts go back to the name Jeongguk. He wants to ask, but does Seokjin even know anything?

“Okay. Well I’ll be out in a second. Go offer her a pastry or something.” He runs a hand through his messy hair, trying to find a comb with his eyes. Seokjin sighs exasperatedly but obliges and leaves Yoongi to his business. He moves around the room, stepping over clothes that were shed by the boys last night. Only Seokjin is good about cleaning something up as soon as he dirties it, the rest are content to just leave it around until it becomes a serious problem. Boys will be boys. He looks up at Jimin’s bunk, expecting to see the boy still buried in his blanket but finds nothing but a made bed, Seokjin again.  _ When did Jimin wake up?  _ At that thought, Yoongi hears a chorus of giggling and then a yell coming from outside the door. The laugh that follows is familiar but not so familiar that it’s one of the other residents.  _ Taehyung. That explains where Jimin went.  _ Yoongi gives up on finding the comb, running his fingers through his hair to make sure it’s all at least down and not sticking up like a bunch of haphazard little horns. He takes a breath, and opens the bedroom door - to be met with a throw pillow in his face. When he opens his eyes again, after the initial shock of being hit in the face by an object, he sees four monsters - two on the floor, one on top of the other. He resists the urge to turn around and close the door again, escaping to his bed once more.

“Good morning to you too, Jimin.” Yoongi says quietly, making his way past the scary mess. Taehyung and Jimin are laughing with each other, hitting each other’s arms in the emotion. He doesn’t recognize the two new additions on the floor. They look to be about the same age as the other two, he wouldn’t doubt they’re in the same grade.  _ Four kindergarteners in the orphanage today, have mercy on your soul Miss Watson.  _ He pauses in his thoughts.  _ Maybe Seokjin too. _

“Get off of me!” Yells the long haired boy underneath the slightly taller one with shorter cropped hair and expensive looking basketball shorts that show his enthusiasm for the sport.

“Take it back!” Basketball Boy shouts back.

“ _ No _ !” Long Hair screams even louder.  _ He must really believe in whatever he said to be risking his life like this _ , thinks Yoongi almost admirably.

“Seungcheol, don’t kill Jeonghannie! He’s my friend too.” Taehyung whines, and Basketball Boy - or Seungcheol - gets off Long Hair - Jeonghannie? Yoongi is kind of confused.  _ Where in the loud, hyper ball of limbs and over enthusiasm about every aspect of being alive does Jimin fall?  _ The small boy is standing to the side, watching his friends with a small smile as Taehyung runs over to pull Seungcheol further away. He notices Yoongi staring, much to Yoongi’s bashfulness and reflex of quickly looking to the side and making it more even more obvious, and walks over to stand by his side.

“I invited Tae over, and he brought Jeonghan who brought Seungcheol. They’re pretty cool.” Jimin says casually, as if they’re parents watching their children at the playground.

“What are they fighting for?” Yoongi asks, wincing as Jeonghan slaps Seungcheol’s arm particularly hard making a resounding sound of skin against skin.

“Seungcheol really likes rap, but Jeonghan thinks vocalists are better. He said rappers act stupid.” Jimin says, slight amusement in his voice. Yoongi is surprised, he didn’t take Basketball Boy for a hip hop lover but the newfound information spurs Yoongi’s interest in him.

“Well rappers are obviously better.” He adds his own opinion to the conglomerate. Jimin goes quiet and Yoongi looks at him in the stunted silence. “What?”

“I agree with Jeonghan.” Jimin says.  _ Oh. _ Well there goes any chance of Yoongi and Jimin being actual  _ friends _ . Yoongi stares at him in disbelief, he had thought Jimin to be a pretty alright kid but this changes everything. Well not really, but come  _ on _ !

“I think Jeonghan doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” Yoongi continues. At this the boy in question snaps to look at Yoongi and although recently Yoongi has been proven to be more intimidating and obviously older than the tyke, Jeonghan does not look afraid or submissive. On the contrary, he is offended.

“Name one rapper who’s smart.” Jeonghan challenges, and Yoongi watches Seungcheol stop rubbing his arm and opening his mouth already but he isn’t going to let him have this. It’s Yoongi’s time to shine. 

“Kanye, Jay Z, Snoop, Rick Ross, Epik High. I can go on.” Suga stands, smirking. This is his field, ever since Seunghyun and Seokjin gave him his most treasured possessions. He dove into the hip hop scene and never surfaced again. They just knew him. The beats, the lyrics - Yoongi found himself in them.

“I don’t know a lot of those.” Jeonghan admits quietly. Yoongi figured as much. Seungcheol on the other hand comes bounding over.

“Do you listen to 2PAC?” He asks excitedly, he almost resembles a puppy. His eyes are really big, and Yoongi wonders faintly if the kid is mixed.

“Duh. Come on, he’s like the father of rap.” Yoongi chuckles, and Seungcheol is  _ gone _ .

“He was my first! He made me love hip hop!” Seungcheol starts rambling about this rapper and that group, and Yoongi would love to indulge but he’s already pretty late for his appointment and Seokjin has just so many pastries to offer.

“Yeah, yeah kid. Well I’m glad someone here has the brains.” Yoongi ruffles Seungcheol’s hair, and the younger smiles more at him. It’s obvious Yoongi just earned himself somewhat of a follower.

“I listen to rap too, hyung!” Taehyung whines. Yoongi gives him a smile and waves at everyone in the room, giving a joking glare to Jimin.

“You should take after your friends, little one.” Yoongi laughs a little, and doesn’t notice Jimin blush as he leaves the room to finds Mrs.Lee.

 

“So, Seokjin told me about what happened Monday, Yoongi. How have you been feeling?” Mrs.Lee smiles kindly at the young boy on the couch, wringing his hands though he doesn’t know why he’s so nervous.

“I’m fine. It was just some weird thing that happened, not a big deal.” Yoongi tries to convince her. 

“Why are you so nervous? Aren’t we friends?” Mrs.Lee asks, noting something in a pad she brings to every meeting. Yoongi is startled. He feels bad for pushing people away, people that are only worried about him but  _ that’s _ the thing. He doesn’t need to be worried over.

“I just don’t think it’s anything worth talking about.” He says, defeated.

“Which is precisely why it seems to be a problem. Yoongi, if it was really okay you wouldn’t be avoiding it.” She tries to look him in the eye, but his head is bowed. “Why are you avoiding it?” Mrs.Lee has always been easy to talk to, he told her the darkest secret he has but all of a sudden he wants to keep everything inside. He’s afraid.

“What was the last thing you had seen before you fainted, Yoongi?” Mrs.Lee tries again. Yoongi doesn’t want to lie, but knows if he stays quiet it might be just as bad.

“I- Hoseok.” He answers, the most honest answer without giving too much away.

“Your friend?” 

“Yes. My best friend.” 

“It’s nice to hear you’re making friends in school.” She smiles, because this isn’t business. She means it. Mrs.Lee is family, she cares for the orphans as much as Miss Watson. “What about Hoseok made you feel faint?” There it was, again the moment of truth sneaking up on him.

“His hand.” He gulps. “There was blood.” Mrs.Lee immediately jots something down.

“Are you scared of blood?” Yoongi thinks about it, even though he already knows the answer.

“No. It wasn’t the blood. It was that the blood was on Hoseok.” He gulps again, Mrs.Lee gestures to the glass of water in front of him. Yoongi takes a sip and continues. “I thought he was hurt.” Yoongi almost whispers.

“You were worried about your friend?” Mrs.Lee presses. Yoongi doesn’t really like when she gets like this. All doctor, and no love. It feels too cold for the situation.

“I- I don’t know.” Yoongi admits. Mrs.Lee puts the clipboard down, uncrosses her legs in her pencil skirt and leans forward. She takes Yoongi’s small hands in hers. They’re soft.

“Is it because of Seunghyun?” She lowers her voice. Yoongi is surprised.

“Seunghyun? What does he have to do with this? I only ever see him around Seokjin anymore anyway.” Mrs.Lee gives him a look he hasn’t seen before. It’s not pity, but it’s something else just as demeaning, just as irritating. He jerks his hands out of hers.

“Yoongi. Is it-”

Yoongi stands. He’s angry, so so angry. “What?” He’s angry at himself. “Seung-” He forgot. He forgot about Seunghyun, the dead Seunghyun. The first Seunghyun, his Seunghyun. He forgot. How could he forget? Yoongi makes a noise he didn’t know he was capable of. It sounds like pure agony, a mix between a whine and a scream and something else, maybe a sob. “I didn’t even-” He actually yells, yells so loud and so long he doubles over. Seokjin is in the room in less than a minute, arms around the shaking boy whispering to him and only him. Jimin stands with a gaggle of his friends in the doorway, staring at Mrs.Lee who’s shaking her head with her fingers rubbing the edges of her bridge.

“Yoongi. I’m here. I’m here, Yoongi. What’s wrong?” Seokjin is talking fast, trying to calm him and figure out what’s happening at the same time. Yoongi sobs, lets his head fall onto Seokjin’s shoulders.

“I forgot him. I forgot Seunghyun.” Yoongi whispers, more to himself. More to remind himself that he’s an awful person, that he let all the momentary happiness take all of the pain away. He  _ forgot _ Seunghyun. His grave is a perfect image in his mind now, and Yoongi wants nothing less than to lie down and die on it. Right next to him, he could finally be away from the world that never even wanted him.

“It’s okay, Yoongi.” Seokjin says, voice unsteady because he knows he’s taking a risk saying it. Yoongi freezes in his arms, lifts his head and leans back to look at him.

“No, it’s not.” Yoongi says, his voice breathy. “How could you even say-” Seokjin knows. Seokjin knows everything, well almost, that happened to Yoongi. He knows how much he blamed himself, how much pain he had gone through, the anxieties that plagued him after the worst of it was over. He knows, but it’s okay.

“ _ We’re _ here.” Seokjin says, desperately. Eyes moving from Yoongi’s own to the people around them. Miss Watson is standing next to Mrs.Lee, whispering and looking worried. Chan and Jisoo have come out, rubbing at their eyes in their sleepiness. Momo is standing on the other side, crying, with Jungyeon right next to her. Taehyung, with Jeonghan and Seungcheol, are trying to figure out what’s going on in order to know how to fix it. They want to help people they barely even know, they just want to help. Yoongi takes a small breath, not realizing he had been holding it, and turns around. He sees Jimin. He sees small, cut off, wonderful Jimin looking right back at him with those expressive eyes of his. Seokjin, still behind him, says it again. “We’re here.”

 

Seokjin asks Yoongi to sleep in his bed that night, with him, like old times but Yoongi kindly declines. He reassures Seokjin with a hug, holding Seokjin tight instead of the usual other way around. He stares at the bottom of Jimin’s bunk for about half an hour, when Jimin himself comes down the ladder on the side of the bunk bed quietly and slips into his bed, pressing close. Yoongi doesn’t think much of how his body flares up, how nice it feels to have him that close.

“What are you doing?” Yoongi whispers.

“Sleep.” Jimin whispers back.

“But-” Yoongi really needs to know  _ why _ .

“Sleep.” Jimin repeats, in his sleepy voice and his breaths steady against Yoongi’s chest.

Maybe he doesn’t.

 

When Monday comes, Yoongi doesn’t feel well and stays home. He asks Seokjin to tell Hoseok he’s sorry, to protect him if he needs to, and to let him know that he can come over after school if he wants. Seokjin makes sure to remember all three things, promises to do each one and steps out into the late fall chill. Seunghyun is there with his bike, waiting, like every morning. Seokjin gives him a quick peck as he climbs onto the back, sitting on the basket shelf and lifting his legs. 

“Good morning, Jinnie.” Seunghyun smiles as he starts pedaling.

“Good morning.” Seokjin says, far away in his own mind. Seunghyun frowns for a second. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Why?” Seokjin answers, surprised.

“You’re a morning person. But not today it seems.” Seokjin laughs lightly, amused at how much Seunghyun notices about him. There was that one time he ordered something off a restaurant menu, and Seunghyun had quickly changed his order, chuckling at him when Seokjin asked why. He had ordered a dish with one of the foods he can’t stand, oysters. Seokjin had been speechless, he was sure he had only mentioned the food once in passing but Seunghyun had caught and remembered every word. He was lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend. His mind begins to wander again on the back of the bike, he thinks of the conversation he had with Namjoon on Monday. He had gotten awfully personal about his relationship status, and Seokjin felt really uncomfortable. He also felt some kind of heaviness when he saw how upset Namjoon looked, he didn’t like for him to be so sad. Though lately, Namjoon was upset much more often - to the point of being downright depressed. It worried Seokjin, and he knew he should talk to him about it. “So quiet today, Jinnie.” Seunghyun says softly, they can see the elementary school in front of them now. Outside students are talking to each other, some already bustling inside the gates, but one in particular was seated firmly on the ground with a book in front of his face.

“Namjoon?” Seokjin whispers to himself.

“Huh?” Seunghyun questions.

“Nothing. Just pull up here today.” Seunghyun does as requested, and watches with brows furrowed as Seokjin gets off and walks up to Namjoon. “Hey, you’re early for once.” Seokjin raises a brow at him with a soft smile. Namjoon lowers his book, and Seokjin holds back a gasp. His left cheek is bruised, his lower lip busted open, and his eyes are red as if he’d been crying for a day straight. “What.” Seokjin takes a breath, wills himself to stay calm. “Happened?”

“I dunno. Fell or something, I guess.” Namjoon answers, puts his nose back in the book then leans to the side to look at Seunghyun who’s looking back. “Who’s that?”

“Seunghyun.” Seokjin answers.

“Oh. Gross.” Namjoon replies, and Seokjin sighs.

“We’re not done talking. I’ll be right back.” Seokjin walks back over to Seunghyun. “Well I’ll see you after school, right?” He offers a smile, but doesn’t get one back.

“Who’s he?”

“That’s Namjoon. He’s my best friend.” Seokjin answers, unsure of why he’s nervous.

“I thought Yoongi was your best friend.” Seunghyun says slowly, like he’s trying to figure them out.

“Well, Yoongi is like a brother. Namjoon is like a real friend.”

“Whatever.” Seunghyun grumbles, doesn’t even take the time to say ‘bye’ and pedals off towards the middle school not too far from there. Seokjin feels irritated, but chooses to ignore it and go back to Namjoon. 

“Sounds like he’s an asshole. You could do better.” Namjoon says without looking up from his book.

“Don’t curse.”

“I’m not, I thought that was his second name.” Seokjin snorts.

“Jealousy doesn’t suit you.” He teases, making himself blush slightly at the implication.

“Who even said I was gay?” Namjoon scoffs, and stands up off the concrete. Seokjin is unsure if he means that or if he’s just making playful banter. Either way, he has more important things to speak about today.

“Namjoon-ah,” Seokjin sing songs, walking slower to his class.

“Oh god, what is it? What are you asking me for?” 

“What? Why are you just assuming I want something?”

“You’re acting all cute. It’s disgusting.” Namjoon grins, dimples shining through though he winces and the smile falls immediately. Seokjin’s falls too.  

“What happened?” He asks again, all his worry in his tone.

“I told you. I fell.” Namjoon answers, deadtoned.

“We both know I’m not that stupid.”

“Do we though?”

“I’m not joking.” Seokjin feels like he might cry. Namjoon sighs.

“You up for skipping today, Jinnie?” Seokjin tries to ignore that he just used the same nick name his boyfriend does and fails.

“If it means I get some answers, sure. I’m sure my missed spelling test won’t kill my grade.” 

“Such a rebel.” Namjoon laughs. Seokjin can’t find it in himself to laugh too, when Namjoon’s doesn’t even sound real.

 

“His dad  _ hit _ you?” Seokjin nearly yells, incredulously. 

“Kicked, threw me around, he really got creative.” Namjoon answers into the air. They’re walking down some random road a farther from the school than Seokjin’s ever been without a car. “My body's a canvas, and the bruises make a really nice modern work of art. I’ve always wanted to be pretty.” Seokjin hates it, hates the jokes Namjoon makes at his own expense. He knows that he’s covering all the pain. Namjoon grew up too soon, too fast. Seokjin knows he had to. 

“That’s not  _ okay _ , Namjoon!”

“Well it’s a hell of a lot better than selling his fucking son. His three year old son. I’ll let him kill me before he hurts Jeongguk.” Namjoon kicks at the pavement, lips curled in disgust. Seokjin’s heart hurts. He knows he’s not bluffing when he says that.

“Don’t curse.” Seokjin says, although he barely cares really.

“Yeah, God forbid I curse. The stealing won’t land me in Hell, it’s the cursing that will do me in. You’re a real angel, flown down here to save me, Jinnie.” Namjoon goes on, that same tone. The tone that’s meant to tell Seokjin ‘ _ Hey, I’m joking. Don’t worry. _ ’ but really means ‘ _ Hey, did you know? I kind of feel like dying sometimes. Ain’t that a bitch? _ ’

“Don’t call me that.” Seokjin chokes out. He’s so close to crying now, but he won’t. What does he have to cry about anyway? A mother that went insane and couldn’t care for him anymore. What a joke. He had a mother, and found a family. Namjoon is still out there alone. Seokjin almost wishes Namjoon was an orphan too.

“What?”

“Jinnie.” Seokjin can’t breathe. It’s so much.

“Why?” Namjoon actually sounds confused. Seokjin could laugh at the idea of it, Namjoon not knowing something.

“It sounds too intimate, like you like me.” Seokjin says. He’s not even trying to hide anything anymore. He just wants it all out. He wants all these emotions in the open so they aren’t tearing him up inside instead. He can’t show the kids back home all this. God, he can’t show Yoongi.

“I do like you.” Namjoon says, stops on the sidewalk.

“Not like that.” Seokjin says back quickly, but he knows. He’s always known.

“I do.” They don’t say anything more on the subject.

“I have a favor to ask.” Seokjin says after awhile of walking in silence.

“Always here to help.” Namjoon says. Seokjin knows the words alone were selfish, that Namjoon already does too much for too many people.

“Can you look after Hoseok?”

“What? Is he a child or something?” Namjoon laughs, coughs a second after.

“No, Yoongi is worried he’ll be bullied.”

“Why can’t Yoongi do it?” Namjoon asks, slightly irritated.

“He’s not in school today.” Seokjin says, mouth hanging open as the realization dawns on him.

“And we are?” Seokjin doesn’t say anything back, just doubles back and takes off sprinting as fast as his long legs can carry him. Still, it wasn’t fast enough.

 

They break through the school gates, panting and gasping and Namjoon might have died then if Seokjin looks back on it but Seokjin had somewhere to be and Namjoon would always follow him. Namjoon checks the time on his shitty flip phone, sometimes Seokijn argues at least he has a phone, and they realize it’s lunch time for the second graders. They run towards the cafeteria and see the end of the horror right before them. Hoseok is lying on the ground, covered in a number of substances. Much to Seokjin’s horror, he even smells piss. His head is bleeding, and the cafeteria table beside him is covered in the same fluid running from his scalp. He’s not unconscious, and Seokjin doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but he’s deaf to the world as he’s curled on the ground clutching at his hair and sobbing. 

“Hoseok.” Seokjin whispers, as he tries to get closer.

“Don’t touch me!” The boy yells, pure rage and hurt embedded in his voice.

“I’m sorry.” Seokjin’s voice finally breaks, and he cries. “I’m so sorry.” He’s talking to Hoseok, but it’s more than that. He’s talking to Yoongi too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for all of the pain I cause everyone in this AU. I warned you all. The tag is there. "this is a painful fic" i said, if you didn't believe me I take no responsibility
> 
> but i will cry with you and stroke your hair 
> 
> come to me my children
> 
> please leave comments :3 i love comments i feed on comments 
> 
> I LOVE YOU


	11. what doesn't kill you (makes you wish you were dead)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They can’t act like nothing happened, when the aftermath is painted on both their lives. 
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter Title from Drown by Bring Me the Horizon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, some of this is really vulgar. Like the ending parts. A lot of homophobia. References to rape, things like this. Proceed with caution, please. 
> 
> Also, I promise it gets better from here. The worst of it all is really over now, not that there won't be other conflicts but nothing as big as this. 
> 
> Well, enjoy~

Seokjin walks into the boy’s bedroom, and his knees give out as soon as Yoongi’s eyes land on him. The sobs wrack his body like never before, Seokjin has never felt so awful. Namjoon is standing behind him, in the arch of the doorway, looking into Yoongi’s eyes with what Seokjin can’t say.  _ Something’s happened _ . Yoongi’s blood runs cold. In his eyes, he sees a gravestone next to Seunghyun’s, the same flower bouquet from Yoongi resting on each. 

“What is it?” He chokes. The air entering his system is too thick to do anything but suffocate him, the taste of it is dirty and unsettling. Yoongi is already out of bed, putting on clothes with his hands shaking and eyes blank. “What is it?” He yells when no response comes from either boy and Seokjin hasn’t stopped crying.

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault. It was my fault.” Seokjin blubbers, there’s spit flying mingled with snot that runs down from his nose. He’s never looked so pathetic, so ugly. He’s never been this ugly. Yoongi freezes, his jeans stay unbuttoned. He walks over to Seokjin with slow, deliberate steps. Namjoon thinks he kind of resembles a mobster asking someone what went wrong, when he already knows: the calm before the storm, the rage barely controlled tearing out from the inside, Yoongi is about to snap. Namjoon worries.

“ _ What _ happened?” Yoongi’s voice is so calm that it would tell anyone that hears it, he isn’t calm at all.

“Hoseok got hurt.” Namjoon comes out with it, his eyes not leaving Yoongi’s face. “More than just hurt.” His voice goes lower, the implications weighing down his confidence. This is his fault just as much, if not more. Seokjin wouldn’t have left school if it wasn’t for him.

“You promised.” Yoongi whispers, he’s crouching in front of Seokjin. The taller boy facing the floor with his arms out in front of him, shaking and sobbing even more. He nods stuntedly, answering the best he can. “Look at me, Seokjin.” He watches the boy’s head slowly raise, the tears running down his face like waterfalls like in a comedic drama but there’s nothing comedic about this situation. The tension between the three boys is heated, Namjoon is tense, Seokjin is defeated and Yoongi doesn’t even know what he’s feeling. He’s never been good with emotions, and he wasn’t ever ready to face one like this. It’s consuming him, he can’t even think straight. Seokjin’s looking at him with his lips parted, brows raised as he anticipates the next words that never come. Instead, before Namjoon can act on it, Yoongi’s hand lifts and flies across Seokjin’s cheek. The impact snaps Seokjin’s face to the side, hair covering his eyes for a moment, the noise is deafening. It’s all Yoongi can hear, even though Namjoon is yelling something that sounds on awful lot like “ _ What the fuck is wrong with you _ ?” and crouching next to Seokjin, holding his own hand to Seokjin’s reddening face with the other resting on his back as support.

Yoongi zips up the fly of his jeans, slips on his shoes and tries to walk out the door. He’s held back by Namjoon’s fingers gripping his arm so tight it actually kind of hurts.

“If you ever hit Seokjin again.” Namjoon grits out through his clenched teeth, veins bulging in his neck.

“What? If I do, then what?” Yoongi says monotonically. He feels shut down, like years before when he didn’t feel anything but there’s still a fire in his belly and the idea that he needs to leave. He watches as Namjoon’s arms reach out and bring him up, feet raising over the bedroom floor, holding on by his shirt collar. Namjoon is livid. “Who do you think you are, Namjoon? His bodyguard?” Yoongi feels strange, cruel. He doesn’t know what control is anymore. “His boyfriend?” There’s an edge to the question, the unsaid ‘ _ As if you could ever _ ’. Yoongi doesn’t even register it when Namjoon slams him into the wall behind him, pulling him back in and then slamming him back repeatedly. It doesn’t hurt as much as Yoongi wishes it would. Namjoon pants, drops him to the floor and turns back to Seokjin. He doesn’t say anything, and Yoongi takes the opportunity to leave. He ignores Miss Watson hurrying down the hall, scoping out the scene and calling his name. He ignores Jimin who just looks up at him from the couch, the look feeling awfully accusing, the channel on some dance competition show. He ignores everything but the instincts inside him and wrenches the door open. He’s gone before anyone can make him stay.

 

Every movement of his body seems to take more and more effort the further he goes, his legs feel like lead and his arms hang loosely by his side. Up ahead, he sees Seunghyun. His stomach turns at the thought of the name. There’s a reason he didn’t go to school today. He didn’t want to see him. Not _ him _ . 

“Yoongi!” Seunghyun yells out. The younger boy grimaces, aware that avoiding him now would be unreasonably rude but then again, he slapped Seokjin. How much more damage can he really do? He flies past Seunghyun, turning his shoulder to show he doesn’t want to be followed. He hears Seunghyun yell ‘ _ what an asshole _ ’ after him. If he remembered how to laugh, he might have.

 

He turns up at Hoseok’s door, ready to slam his fist down like the night he gave himself into the caretaker. He wonders if the action might cause something similar to happen. The door flies open before he can get the first hit in, his shirt is pulled again and himself with it. He’s thrown down onto the floor, and everything's a blur. He thinks, _ it’s happening again. Maybe I can finally die.  _ He waits for a searing pain, unwelcome hands, doesn’t realize his eyes are tightly shut. He doesn’t bother himself with the thought that he doesn’t actually know who’s weight is on top of him now. It doesn’t feel like an adult. He hears sobbing again, and hands wrap around his neck and squeeze. He opens his eyes, and sees Hoseok crying.  _ Not again.  _ The awful stench hits his nose, and he holds back a dry heave. It’s coming from the boy on top of him. His eyes trace over every cut and bruise, the drenched and stretched out tee the younger is wearing. He notes the blood dried on his forehead, clumps of hair stuck down in the mess. He gasps, and his hands move up to tear Hoseok’s fingers away. He’s scrabbling, trying desperately. His vision starts to black out, and then the hands are gone. Hoseok is hunched over on top of him, hands balled into fists but resting on Yoongi’s chest.

“Why?” Hoseok rasps. “Why did I have to be friends with someone like you?” Yoongi wants not to feel again, his heart hurts. He wants Hoseok to choke him again, wants to lose consciousness, to revel in the physical sensations. He doesn’t want to feel this anymore.  _ Mute. Fag. Unwanted.  _ **_Unwanted_ ** _. Useless.  _ “Why do I have to suffer because of you?” Hoseok says, more softly. The younger boy is straddling Yoongi’s hips and the closeness might have made Yoongi blush if the pain didn’t overwhelm the entire situation.

“I’m sorry.” Yoongi says, after struggling to remember how to move his lips to make the sounds that come with speaking. Hoseok sits up, back straightening out, and looks down at Yoongi’s face with the best poker face Yoongi has ever seen.

“How can you say that?” Hoseok asks. “How dare you say that? I’m your friend! I’ll always be your friend, Yoongi! How can you apologize for that? How can you be such a coward?” Hoseok’s voice is rising with every question, the tone turning shrill and he’s sure it will hurt later. Yoongi doesn’t say anything, so Hoseok continues. “Why weren’t you there? Why did you leave me alone on the first day?”

“ _ I’m sorry _ .” Yoongi yells, and his tears start to fall. He sits up, his chest to Hoseok’s and gets even closer. His arms come up and wrap around Hoseok, sinking into his back. Hoseok’s arms wrap around Yoongi’s small neck and his face falls onto his friend’s shoulders. They cry together, in each other’s arms, and Yoongi tries not to think about how Hoseok’s heartbeat feels exactly like his own and how that must mean something. “I should have been there.” He whispers after a little while of silence with sniffling between the two boys. “I tried to-” He stops, realizing the pathetic idea of sending someone to protect his friend.  _ Who do you think you are? His bodyguard?  _ **_His boyfriend_ ** _? As if you could ever. Well I like Hoseok.  _ “I like you.” Yoongi says stupidly, more of a thought that slipped out than a confession.

“What?” Hoseok pulls back, eyes wide and strange like he’s willing Yoongi to say he’s joking. So he does the next best thing.

“Nothing.” He forgets it. “You should change. Why do you smell like shit?” Hoseok hits Yoongi’s shoulder, hard enough to tell him he’s at least partly serious.

“Pee, and whatever they were serving at lunch.” Hoseok stands up, off Yoongi’s lap and pulls his shirt over his head. Yoongi looks away. “You probably smell like me now. Want a change of clothes?” Hoseok asks Yoongi. It’s almost like everything is back to normal.

“Yeah. Do you think your dad will care if I sleep over?” Yoongi asks. He doesn’t want to go back there. He can’t go back there. He can’t face Seokjin. The sound plays in his mind again, the image of Seokjin’s reddening cheek and face snapping to the side like a tetherball.

“Nah, he likes you.” Hoseok smiles a little.

“Can’t imagine why anyone would.” Yoongi laughs.

“Me either.”Hoseok laughs back. The jokes smooth over the stagnant pain. It’s almost like nothing ever happened. Except, Hoseok is covered in other people’s piss and bruises, and blood. He’s covered in blood. Except, Yoongi was so angry he lost himself. He hit Seokjin; he hurt Namjoon. They can’t act like nothing happened, when the aftermath is painted on both their lives.

“Hoseok-” Yoongi starts. The door opens behind him, Hoseok’s father stepping inside with his lunchbag and uniform, and a smile for both of the boys - until he sees Hoseok. His smile falls like his lunchbag when his hand lets go and he runs to look over his son.

“What is this?” His voice is firm, strict, the voice of a parent that means business.

“Jinsoo and his friends still don’t like me very much, I guess.” Hoseok tries to laugh it off, like with Yoongi but this isn’t Yoongi. It’s his dad. Hoseok starts to cry again, and for a second Yoongi thinks he sees Hoseok’s father’s eyes well up too. He stands by the door awkwardly, trying not to stare at the scene. His father pulls Hoseok in close, ruffles his hair until he notices the wound on top of his forehead and sighs because there’s nothing else to do about it now. “They peed on me, dad.” Hoseok whispers, and his father grimaces trying to hide his own anger in front of the children.

“Go take a shower, Hoseok. Get out of those clothes, then bring me the first aid kit.” Hoseok nods, and stumbles off down the hall. Mr.Jung turns to Yoongi. “Did you see it?”

“No.” Yoongi says. “I wasn’t in school today.” Mr.Jung nods solemnly, runs a hand through his own hair as he looks up to the ceiling.

“I don’t mean to do this, but can you stay by his side tomorrow. Hoseok isn’t a weak boy, but he isn’t a fighter. Just look after him?” Yoongi feels sick. He couldn’t do that in the first place. Still, he nods and looks at the floor. “Are you staying for dinner, Yoongi?” Mr.Jung smiles at him, though the smile doesn’t reach most of the older man’s face this time.

“Actually I was wondering if I could stay the night.” Yoongi says.

“Of course, you’re always welcome here.” He doesn’t even ask why, there’s no need. There doesn’t need to be a reason. He’s not unwanted, not here and not at the orphanage. Yoongi feels a pang of guilt at the thought of Seokjin back at the orphanage, maybe even still crying. He thinks of what he said to Namjoon. A lifetime on his knees wouldn’t be enough to grant him forgiveness.

“Thank you.” He says, and retreats to Hoseok’s room.

 

Dinner conversation is stilted that night, and they seemingly glide over any part of the day that could have to do with Hoseok’s predicament. It all feels very fake and hurts everyone involved. The boys don’t play videogames before bed that night, they lie in the dark willing each other’s eyes to close. The warmth of their bodies doesn’t bring as much comfort as it might have before, and Yoongi feels different sleeping in Hoseok’s bed after his tragic confession. 

“Yoongi,” Hoseok whispers. Yoongi hums to indicate he’s awake. “I heard you.” A pause, Yoongi’s breath stops. “Back there, when you-”

“I get it. It was a joke.” Yoongi hurries to chase it away. Hoseok’s friendship is something he refuses to lose, and over something so stupid.

“Was it?” Hoseok asks. He doesn’t sound upset, but his voice is laced with anticipation.

“No.” Yoongi shudders.

“I don’t know what it feels like to like someone.” Hoseok says, and Yoongi is reminded of himself when he thought he was in love with Seokjin.

“That’s okay.” Yoongi doesn’t know what else to say.

“But maybe, I like you too.” Hoseok says, and no one says anything after that. It’s a mystery whether either of them sleep, but the sun rises the same as it always has and Yoongi leaves before Hoseok’s eyes open trying to figure out why such seemingly happy words hurt so much.

 

He walks up to the orphanage, nerves making his stomach twist and turn. He knows he has to go inside, if not to face his mistakes then to get his backpack. He hears the turn of bicycle wheels on gravel behind him and looks back to find Seunghyun, already waiting for Seokjin. He puts up a hand in an awkward wave, and Seunghyun gives him a frown.

“So today you won’t ignore me?”

“I wasn’t feeling well.” Yoongi answers.

“You could just have told me that.” Seunghyun leans back on his bike, arms crossed and looks away from Yoongi. The younger boy doesn’t bother saying anything else. He opens the door in front of him, and steps inside.

 

The orphanage is still misted with the sleepiness of the residents, the sunlight only peeking through half shut blinds. He hears noise from the kitchen, and heads toward it. He sees Seokjin before Seokjin sees him. His heart speeds up, he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say. Seokjin’s cheek looks much better but to Yoongi it might as well be as though it happened a second ago. Seokjin turns to grab something from the refrigerator and his eyes land on Yoongi, standing outside the archway silently. He jumps slightly, and Yoongi knows it’s just because he surprised him but a part of him thinks it’s because Seokjin will always be scared of him from now on.

“Good morning, Yoongi.” Seokjin says, a little awkwardly. “I didn’t know if you’d be back today, but I made breakfast for three people. I guess out of habit.” He rubs at his neck, looking back at the stove. “You hungry?”

“Yeah, kind of.” Yoongi nods. Jimin walks into the room, and Yoongi feels even more uncomfortable than before.  _ Does he know what happened? _

“Where’d you go?”Jimin asks.

“Hoseok’s house.” Jimin glances between Seokjin and Yoongi, then moves over to the dining table and sits in his spot.

“How is he?”

“He’ll be okay.” Yoongi feels weird saying that, he doesn’t really know if he will be. He should have asked.

“Seokjin hyung, how are you?”  _ So he knows. _

Seokjin smiles at Jimin when he answers, “Good. I slept well. What about you?”

“I slept okay. It was a little weird without Yoongi there.” Jimin looks at him.

“Sorry.” Yoongi mumbles, and sits in his usual seat, across from Chan, Jimin’s next to his, who isn’t awake yet. Seokjin puts down each boy’s food before going back into the kitchen and grabbing his own. Seokjin usually sits on the end of the dining table, the other end for Miss Watson, but this morning he sits on Yoongi’s right side. Yoongi nearly chokes on his eggs.

“I hope everyone enjoys.” Seokjin says with a smile. Yoongi nods.

“Your food is always good, hyung.” Jimin answers with a smile. Yoongi is jealous of the normality between the two. He doesn’t know if there will ever be the same feeling between him and Seokjin again. 

“Eat up, Yoongi.” Seokjin says, when he notices the boy staring at his plate. Maybe Yoongi is the only one worrying, but he doesn’t want to act like nothing happened. He can’t. Still, he shovels food into his mouth and leaves right after Seokjin like usual. He doesn’t bring it up. He doesn’t even know how.

 

He walks into class to see Hoseok already at his seat, his forehead with a large plaster and clothes that cover most of his bruises. Ms.Kim will definitely still notice. He wonders what Hoseok will say to her, figures he’ll probably tell the truth. 

“Good morning.” Yoongi says.

“Good morning.” Hoseok says back, the same huge smile as always on his face.

“You okay?” Yoongi asks.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Hoseok answers, and starts taking out his workbook from his backpack. Yoongi stands from his desk, walks over to Ms.Kim.

“Can I go to the bathroom?” Yoongi doesn’t really care for the answer. He’s going to go whether she lets him or not.

“Class just started.” She complains.

“It’s an emergency.” Ms.Kim gives in and lets him go.

 

In the hallway he sees Namjoon walking around reading some book he can’t even read the title of. He’s pretty sure it’s in English. He runs up next to him, tapping him on the shoulder. When Namjoon turns to face him, Yoongi’s breath catches in his throat. Namjoon has the darkest under eye circles he’s ever seen, and he’s so pale that Yoongi has the urge to put an arm on his shoulders - if he could reach.

“What?” Namjoon says, like Yoongi is wasting his time. Though Yoongi knows he’s not doing anything, that he never really does anything in school.

“I wanted to apologize.” Yoongi starts out bravely, unsure of where this will go. Maybe Namjoon will pick him up again, maybe he’ll just punch him this time. Maybe he’ll just walk away, like Yoongi doesn’t exist.

“I’m listening.” Namjoon puts his book down from his face and looks at Yoongi expectantly.

“I’m sorry.” How else is he supposed to do this? “I shouldn’t have said those things.”

“Wow, it took you this long to come up with that?” Namjoon scoffs. “Thanks for the minimal effort you put in. You’re not forgiven.” He starts to walk away.

“Wait. I- I didn’t. I was stupid. I can’t believe I hit Seokjin, but now he’s acting like nothing happened.  _ Everyone _ is acting like nothing happened, and it’s killing me.” He starts to ramble.

“Well then you have to tell them it happened.” Namjoon replies.

“How?” Yoongi is so lost. He doesn't know what to do; he’s never known.

“Start by apologizing for specific things, if you mean it.” Namjoon walks back, up to Yoongi. “What did you say to me?”

“Huh?”

“What are you apologizing to me for? What did you say?” Namjoon picks at something on Yoongi’s shoulder.

“I- I attacked you on very personal topics. I put you down for protecting your friend.” Yoongi thinks it over.

“You acted like I didn’t know what I was doing.” Namjoon frowns, then shrugs. Yoongi is amazed at Namjoon’s behavior most days but today he can barely fathom it. “Honestly, I don’t really care what you did to me. You better make it right with Seokjin though.” He pauses, then leans closer to Yoongi’s face. “If you ever hit him again, I’ll hit back ten times as hard. I might even kill you. I really have nothing to lose, trust me.” Yoongi doesn’t think he’s bluffing for even a second. He nods.

“You cheating on your boyfriend with Mr.Smart here?” They hear a disgustingly familiar voice. Yoongi snaps to look at the boy. Jinsoo is with his usual minions, a slightly chubby kid who’s card is always on the last color and a boy who Yoongi has never heard talk.  _ Mute _ . “Didn’t know you were a fag too,” Jinsoo snides at Namjoon. Yoongi watches the taller boy’s shoulders tense from the angle he’s standing at. He puts a hand on his wrist, giving him a look he hopes he can read.  _ He’s mine. _

“You can still smell alright after Hoseok broke your nose?” Yoongi retorts.

“Smell just fine. Good enough to smell my piss on your boyfriend’s ratty old shirt.” He grins like a crocodile, teeth showing in menace as he looks at his friends for support in his antagonism. The two buffoons give him a thumbs up and their laughter as admiration.

“Yeah? You thought that was pretty funny, huh?” Yoongi smiles back, the kind of smile you might see on a psychopath. He’s losing control again.

“You should have seen him crying. He was begging us not to. He probably would have sucked my dick if I had asked. That’s what you fags do, right?”

“No one would ever suck your dick. Don’t worry.” Namjoon throws in. 

“Shut up, tourist. You like that Englsh shit so much? You like white dick?” The fat one jumps in. “Aren’t you sweet on that pretty boy, though?” Namjoon’s jaw sets, his fists shaking. Yoongi doesn’t stop him this time, he doesn’t care for the other boys. Sure, he’ll beat on them if he has to but his primary target here is Jinsoo. Namjoon can take care of the other two. It wouldn’t even be hard. “He’s  _ really _ pretty. I’d fuck him. Have to cut his little dick off first though.” The boy goes on. He probably doesn’t even know what happens, just loses consciousness in the one hit Namjoon gets in on his face. Yoongi laughs at the scene, the thump of the boy’s heavy body hitting the tile. The quiet one stares at Namjoon and then gets into a fighting stance. Yoongi figures he probably knows some self-defense or something, but it’s obvious he’ll be no match for Namjoon in the end.

“Wow, your new boy toy isn’t too bad with his hands.” Jinsoo howls, admiring teasingly. “Gets you off fast when you need it?” His eyes are flashing, and Yoongi figures it’s time. He lets his fist loose and it lands on Jinsoo’s jaw. Yoongi doesn’t hit as hard as Namjoon, so Jinsoo just coughs a second and then jumps into his own fight. He lands multiple punches on Yoongi’s face, before the older boy trips him and hovers over him on the floor punching left and right on his face. He sees a tooth come loose and feels a sick pride.

“This is for what you did to Hoseok!” He throws in another punch, somewhere to his right he can hear a voice he doesn’t recognize whining for Namjoon to stop. He grins at his friend’s obvious success. “This is for being a piece of shit.” He punches Jinsoo right in the nose, hearing a cracking and the boy under him screams. “And this, is for thinking that love is wrong.” He knees him in the balls, and gets up panting and admiring the agony he’s caused. Jinsoo is curled in on himself, hands covering his privates with blood running down his chin onto the tile. Classroom doors start to open and he sees Ms.Kim running down a little ways down the hallway. Hoseok is standing on the other side, smiling at Yoongi. He looks at Namjoon, the quiet boy with several broken fingers whimpering next to his unconscious friend below him, and gives a thumbs up. Namjoon gives a smile back, dimples showing through loud and proud.

“You are in so much trouble!” Ms.Kim screams at the both of them. Neither of them can really bring themselves to care. No doubt, they’ll be suspended - if not expelled - but that was a long time coming and Yoongi figures whatever happens, he made Hoseok smile.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, for those that will be concerned cause after all they were KIDS that got beat up like that. I realize that's wrong, trust me. It will be adressed. 
> 
> I hope you liked it. Please tell me what you think of everything! 
> 
> Thank you for loyal readers, new readers, readers that didn't even read all the way through. I love you all!


	12. when he tried to walk again (he wasn't a child)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon wanders over to the couch and plops himself right down next to Yoongi, purposely leaning onto him to annoy him.   
> His grin refusing to leave the entire time, the dimples hanging on just as tight.   
> Yoongi loved it, even though he’s never seen Namjoon look all the way happy.   
> His eyes were always a little clouded over, his thoughts always far away from everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while since I updated. I'm sorry. I hope you didn't give up on me. College stuff, been kicking my ass. You know how it is. 
> 
> So uh, this is. Yeah. It's a short chapter, more of a transition than anything but still important. Especially in fleshing out Namjoon's character. (Who happens to be my fave to write at this point.) 
> 
> I hope it was worth the wait. 
> 
> Enjoy~
> 
> Chapter Title from Blue Lips by Regina Spektor

“Do you feel angry often, Yoongi?” Mrs.Lee pleasant’s voice filters through the boy’s ears. He’s been suspended, along with Namjoon who looks way too happy to accept that punishment, and Yoongi himself doesn’t really care. The familiar therapist looks at Yoongi, awaiting an answer - and an answer she will get, because he’s never really had a reason not to cooperate. 

“Not really. Just when things make me angry.” He shrugs, picking at the arm of the sofa nonchalantly. Most of the kids are still asleep, although Jimin has gone out with Hoseok this morning (leaving Yoongi feeling a little strange and uneasy.) Still, Yoongi has his own appointment in less than an hour. He needs to get this session over with.

“What makes you angry?” Mrs.Lee isn’t looking at him anymore, she’s writing on her legal pad with glasses slowly slipping off her slender nose. Mrs.Lee is pretty, amazingly so. Seunghyun looks a lot like his mother, except for his nose which is decidedly masculine as his father’s. Jihoon looks out of place in their family,  all thin eyes and full cheeks. Yoongi wonders if he’s bothered by it.

“Unfair things. People messing with my friends.” It’s obvious, isn’t it? He smiles to himself recalling Hoseok’s proud grin as Yoongi’s fist dripped the other kid’s blood on to the school’s tiled hallway.

“Do you think Jinsoo was mad?” Yoongi scowls, dropping his head. She’s trying to make him feel guilty. It won’t work. What they did to Hoseok deserved much more than he and Namjoon were able to give.

“Does it matter? They don’t have any good reason to be.” He raises his voice.

“Was your reason good enough then? Good enough to hurt people? Kids like yourself?” Mrs.Lee is looking at him through the top of her slipping lenses, far more judgemental than any day he’s seen her before.

“They _ peed _ on Hoseok. They started  _ everything _ . From the beginning! How can you tell me it  _ isn’t _ good enough?” Yoongi is yelling, probably waking the little ones, but he can already see Mrs.Lee can’t hear what he has to say. He’s not wrong. He’s not. There’s a knock on the door, and out of the corner of his eye he sees Miss Watson cross the room to open it.

“Hello! Are you here to see Seokjin?” Her voice sounds excited, and warm if not a little tense. Yoongi peeks out to the door and expects to see Seunghyun, but is surprised to see Namjoon standing there talking politely with the caretaker.

“No, Yoongi actually. Figured Jinnie boy needs a break from me once in a while.” Seokjin wasn’t speaking to Namjoon, afraid of the strange ripple in his relationship the peculiar boy had brought. Seunghyun didn’t trust Namjoon, so Seokjin wasn’t allowed to see him. Yoongi didn’t think it was right for Seunghyun to control him like that, but then what does he know of relationships anyway? Namjoon spots him and gives his signature grin, waving enthusiastically behind Miss Watson’s form. Yoongi chuckles and waves back lazily. Miss Watson lets Namjoon in, leaving to the kitchen to grab snacks and drinks for the group. Namjoon wanders over to the couch and plops himself right down next to Yoongi, purposely leaning onto him to annoy him. His grin refusing to leave the entire time, the dimples hanging on just as tight. Yoongi loved it, even though he’s never seen Namjoon look all the way happy. His eyes were always a little clouded over, his thoughts always far away from everyone else. Mrs.Lee clears her throat and Namjoon straightens up a tiny bit, looking at the older woman and gauging her.

“Hello. I’m Kim Namjoon, child genius, delinquent, and entrepreneur on weekends.” He reaches out a hand, and Mrs.Lee takes it.

“That’s a lot of big words, Namjoon. You must read a lot.” She smiles at him.

“You know how it is, anything that comes along.” Yoongi chuckles. Namjoon was always an oxymoron. Intelligence far above most adults but fond of slang and expressions no one can tell if they’re supposed to laugh over. Younger than most of his friends but taller and more in tune with the world. Carefree but so, so burdened. “So, what’s up with the interrogation of my good friend? Trying to land him in a cuckoo house for his violent tendencies? Or maybe repressed sexual urges? Freud always did love those.” Yoongi didn’t understand half of the words that had come out of Namjoon’s mouth but Mrs.Lee’s lips were forming an ‘o’ now and so obviously he did something strange.

“I’m simply looking out for Yoongi’s mental well being. I am not trying to send him anywhere.” She smiles back sweetly, a little too sweet to be real this time.

“Sure. You psychs are all the same. ‘Oh, dear. You don’t fit into society’s mold exactly the way you should. You need to go away for a while.’” Mrs.Lee laughs.

“My, my. Yoongi, you have such interesting friends. If you were old enough, I’d be offering you an internship.” Namjoon’s face falls, he’s caught off guard. “I don’t agree with my colleague’s practices. Precisely as you say, they stifle children for no good reason. I run a private office, specializing in experimental processes. But, Yoongi is not a patient. A family friend.” Yoongi flushes.

“Sorry, doc. I’m a bit defensive. Something to do with my dark past.” It’s at this point, Yoongi realizes there was some kind of battle going on between the two. Namjoon didn’t like Mrs.Lee, and she is intimidated.

“Quite.” She picks up a piece of lint off her dark blazer, and stands. “Well, it’s time for me to go. Take care Yoongi.” She nods at Namjoon.

 

As soon as the older woman is gone, Yoongi turns to Namjoon and lightly hits his arm. “What’s that for!?”

“Why did you give her such a hard time? Mrs.Lee is a nice lady.” Yoongi looks irritated and Namjoon’s expression falters for a second, but then he’s back to being the usual ‘why-should-I-care-about-anything’ cool kid.

“She’s just being nice to you to get you to” Namjoon’s voice rises in pitch to imitate Mrs.Lee, “open up.” He laughs. Yoongi doesn’t drop his glare. “Ah, come on. Anyway, she’s gone and so shall we be.”

“Where are you taking him?” Seokjin is standing in the arch of the bedroom hallway, hair in disarray with a t shirt slightly too big for him falling to mid thigh of his light pink boxer shorts. His eyes are still half lidded and his cheeks are tinged pink from the sheets that rested against them. Anyway you look at it, he was cute. Yoongi glances at Namjoon and tries not to laugh at the blush spreading on the taller’s cheeks.

“Thought you weren’t allowed to talk to me?” Namjoon says bitterly, looking down at his dirtied converse.

“Well, you’re taking my cute dongsaeng somewhere. I’d like to know he’ll come back alive. I’m sure there are exceptions to this rule.” Seokjin says snippily, probably because he still looks pretty tired. He hasn’t been getting a lot of sleep lately. Yoongi hears him whimper in the night, calling out half-finished names.

“You think I’d put him in danger?” Namjoon steps closer to Seokjin, looking directly at him. Yoongi vaguely thinks this might be what a fight between parents would look like.

“You got him suspended.” Seokjin mumbles.

“He did that himself.” Namjoon grits out. He’s tensing up again, just like in the hallway that day.

“Hey, Namjoon. I want to be back in time to catch Jimin and Hoseok. Let’s leave now.” Yoongi pulls at his arm, trying to usher him out the door as quickly as possible.

“You should really consider dating someone who isn’t an idiot that gets off on controlling his partner.” Namjoon yells as he’s dragged out the door. They both hear Seokjin yell something along the lines of ‘fuck you’ and Yoongi is surprised. Seokjin doesn’t swear. He must be really mad.

 

They’re walking a good while away from the orphanage when they run into Seunghyun on his way to meet Seokjin. Namjoon mumbles something under his breath that Yoongi can’t understand, but can tell is malicious. Yoongi nods at him, hoping he’ll just keep pedaling on his bike - but of course, Seunghyun decides to stop. He’s staring at Namjoon with a frown and Yoongi really hates today already.

“Stay away from my boyfriend.” Seunghyun says.

“I can do what I want. Like he can do whatever the fuck he wants.” Namjoon spits to his side, not looking Seunghyun in the eye from their distance.

“Do what you want,  _ without _ my boyfriend. He doesn’t need to hang out with gangster trash like you anyway.” Seunghyun raises his voice. Yoongi is afraid someone around will notice them. 

“Namjoon, come on.” Yoongi whines, tugging again.

“You think you’re so much better than me?” Namjoon squares his shoulders, starting to walk towards Seunghyun. “With your rich little family, and your rich bitch mom with her ‘experimental processes’.” His nostrils are flaring, he’s reaching for something on the side of his shoe. 

“Stay away from me.” Seunghyun puts one foot back onto his pedal, ready to escape. Still, Namjoon is fast - especially in rage - and pulls out a small letter opener, driving it right through the front tire of the bike. “Hey! This bike was almost ₩600,000!”

“Yeah? Well you should have thought about that before you made ‘gangster trash’ like me angry.” Namjoon grins and reaches out a hand - Seunghyun flinches - to rub at his hair condescendingly. “Come on, Yoongi.”

 

The area Namjoon takes Yoongi into is a lot different than the one around the school and orphanage. In fact, it really doesn’t look like somewhere kids should be - but Namjoon walks on the ground like he owns it, knows it better anything. Yoongi can admire that. The buildings line the roads like barriers, leaning in as if to tell Yoongi he’s not exactly welcome. The young boy would be lying if he said he didn’t want to leave soon. 

“Why are we here?” He said to Namjoon quietly, careful not to bring attention to themselves.

“To pick up the last member of our entourage!” Namjoon said loudly, completely ignoring Yoongi’s efforts. He looked at him with a knowing smile. “Yoongi, you don’t have to be afraid. You’re with me. And most of these people are good people, just doing  what they gotta do to get by. Such is the way of life.” He kicked at a pebble on the ground, walking ahead excitedly.

“Where did you learn to talk like this? Honestly.” Yoongi muttered.

“Books mostly, and just life.” He paused. “I had to grow up fast, to survive. So I did.” Another pause. “After a while of trying to figure out whether surviving is something I wanted to. Dying sure seems a lot easier.” He chuckled, but Yoongi felt something tear at his heart at the thought.

“Suicide isn’t the answer.”

“ _ Suicide _ . How do you know  _ that _ one?” Namjoon questioned in curiousity. Yoongi suddenly became very grim.

“Life.” Namjoon was going to ask something else but Yoongi saw him suddenly fall front wards, barely missing him. Behind there was a small boy, crying and speaking gibberish. Namjoon collected himself, dusting his black jeans off and turning to see the culprit.

“Jeongguk!” Yoongi had never seen Namjoon look so worried so fast. The amount of love and care for the boy was evident in just one look at the duo. “What are you doing out here?”

“Mommy - mo- she.” The dark haired toddler sobs, snot running like a waterfall and Yoongi would probably find it really disgusting if he wasn’t so concerned. The kid is cute, probably really capable.

“What? What did she do to you?” Namjoon’s voice is icy, indicating the woman must have done something before. Yoongi thinks back to what Hoseok told him at dinner.  _ His own parents don’t really do anything. I think they might not even feed the kid. _ Yoongi’s stomach lurches. He’s tired of seeing kids at the mercy of shitty adults. He’s tired of seeing all the pain. Jeongguk just keeps sobbing and sobbing, breath catching in his throat in the most ugly way. “Jeongguk, tell me what happened. Come on, kid. You’re alright. I’m here.” He sounds more desperate now, seriously worried. He’s checking the kid’s body all over, eyes wild and searching. Yoongi relates, remembers how it felt.

“Mommy - wo- won’t wake up.” Oh. Yoongi looks at Namjoon, frozen on his knees in front of the boy.

“When did you see her awake last, Jeongguk?” Namjoon steadies his voice, tries to keep Jeongguk calmer. Yoongi is worried people will come out to see what’s happening, but then realizes it’s the kind of neighborhood where people know not to ask questions.

“Mo-mommy’s roo -” he hiccups, wails more. “In her room.” Namjoon’s eyes darken. There’s something he knows, something he isn’t going to tell Jeongguk.

“Let’s go see a nice man, Jeongguk.” Namjoon brings the boy into his arms, before turning around and waiting for him to get on his back. “Let’s go see Mr.Police Officer.” Namjoon sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DID YALL SEE THAT YOONMIN COLLAB ON STAGE THO!? 
> 
> TONY MONTANA!?!? YOONMIN IS ALIVE AND THRIVING! 
> 
> yas
> 
> also, this chapter made me realize I kinda like SugaMon as well (fun facts wheeee)


	13. this isn't an actual chapter, just an explanation (I'm SORRY)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Might just be excuses, but I promise to be back and finish what I started very very soon. Please hang in there friends.

For anyone still reading this fic, and waiting for updates. It's not canceled. I'm not dead. Though, well a lot of the reason I was gone has to do with the whole word, death. It's okay. Please don't ask.  
After next week, I have two weeks off for winter break. And I promise on my life AT LEAST one new chapter will go up. I actually did start one, but I never got around to finish it because life. 

Thank you lovelys, I'm sorry for making you wait. 

Um, on the other hand I did get some very GOOD news as well. I got into my first choice university and some scholarships! WHEEEE, SUCCESS AT LIFE IS FUN! 

Alright, roll on bromies.


	14. bricks on my shoulders (this gravity hurts when you know the truth)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His heart hurts for Jungkook.  
> His heart just hurts; things have been steadily falling apart again.  
> He should have expected it.  
> It’s not like happiness is something he can afford, could ever afford.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all my lovely readers that left supportive comments on my last update, or the ones that just waited for me, THANK YOU SO MUCH! I felt so much love, and it gave me more motivation to finish this chapter I had half written for what felt like forever. 
> 
> I hope it was worth the wait. 
> 
> Enjoy~
> 
> Chapter Title from Weight In Gold by Gallant

The knocking on the Lee’s doors is surreal, but not more than the taxi ride to the manor itself. Yoongi watches Namjoon pull out a large wad of cash from his jeans’ pocket and tells himself not to ask, because it just seems like that type of thing. The driver checks to see if it’s all real and then, of course, gives Namjoon a look that only adults are capable of giving to ‘unfortunate’ children. They exit the taxi, Jeongguk asleep on Namjoon’s back with lips parted and bangs in his eyes - wet at the edges even in his sleep, which only reminds Yoongi of what it feels like to love a mother unconditionally - and they walk up to the white glass double doors. Namjoon looks at Yoongi who’s just staring ahead with a poker face.

“Um, could you?” Namjoon clears his throat and gestures towards the door, moving the small boy on his back higher up to secure him. Jeongguk makes a grumbly noise but doesn’t open his eyes, and Yoongi catches Namjoon smiling to himself. He reaches up a fist and knocks on the door, once - twice - the door opens. Seunghyun stands, peeking out at the three boys and his brows furrow in confusion.

“What do you want?” He sounds bothered, and Yoongi wonders what happened to the boy they knew. _Is middle school that tough a place? Does it break men down to jerks?_ Namjoon scowls at him and adjusts Jeongguk on his back once more, which rouses the toddler who lifts his head with wide eyes looking directly at Seunghyun.

“Who are you?” The dark haired boy asks, looking from Namjoon to Seunghyun with concern before turning and looking around him. “Where are we?” He pulls at Namjoon’s hair.

“Ya! I’ve told you not to do that.” Namjoon rubs at his abused neck hairs. Yoongi chuckles quietly. Namjoon reminds him of Hoseok’s dad somehow.

“Hyung!” Jeongguk’s voice breaks. “We have to save mommy; she’s got to wake up soon.” He keeps pulling at Namjoon’s sparse neck hairs. Yoongi’s face falls. Jeongguk doesn’t understand what’s going on. He’s so young. Yoongi glances at Namjoon who’s turned to stone, freezing and grey. Seunghyun is still standing there, just staring at them all.

“We just need to talk to your dad.” Namjoon says, voice as steady as can be.

“Namjoonie hyung! We have to go see mommy! He’ll be home soon, we have to wake her up before he comes home!” Jeongguk is screaming and wiggling about on Namjoon’s back. Namjoon can’t hold him still anymore so he kneels down and lets Jeongguk down, grabbing both his hands and sighing.

“Jeongguk, we need to talk to Mr.Lee. He can help us.” Namjoon tries to calm the distressed child.

“Why do you need my dad?” Seunghyun sneers at Namjoon. “Why should I let you talk to him anyway?”

“Seunghyun!” Yoongi yells, bringing a silence down on the ragtag group. Seunghyun looks at him with his mouth open. Yoongi tries to plead to him with his eyes. “There’s something seriously wrong. We trust your dad.” Seunghyun stands leaning on the doorway before sighing and jerking his head to the side inviting the boys in. Namjoon has trouble dragging Jeongguk inside the house, trying to shush him and explain what they’re doing there. Yoongi feels his stomach sinking infinitely more. Seunghyun won’t take his eyes off Namjoon, and Yoongi really wonders what beef the two have but there’s more important things are at hand. His heart hurts for Jungkook. His heart just hurts; things have been steadily falling apart again. He should have expected it. It’s not like happiness is something he can afford, could ever afford. He feels something tugging on his jeans, and looks to find a _someone_. Wide, teary doe eyes and cute little front teeth spaced too far apart to be considered conventionally pretty, but Yoongi is sure he was never as cute at this age as Jeongguk. He’s almost sure no one ever has. The kid is on another level entirely.

“Hyung,” Yoongi smiles at the address, he likes the idea of being Jeongguk’s big brother “please.” The plea is whispered, desperate and obviously the last attempt. Yoongi knows the way his voice dips and breaks well. He remembers it well, his last attempt to get his own mother to stay. His heart hurts. Jeongguk is too young. Jeongguk can’t be like him.

“Namjoon.” Yoongi turns to face the taller boy trailing behind him. Seunghyun is still watching.

“What?” He sounds tired, and scared, and like he’s doing the one thing he swore he never would. Yoongi swallows the anxiety in his throat, hopes he can find the words to explain to Namjoon why what he’s requesting is so important. He reaches his pale hand to the side, offering his fingers to Jeongguk who takes them timidly, sniffling to himself. Yoongi squeezes around his tiny palm and takes a breath.

“Take him home.”

Namjoon sputters.

“To what? _That_ ? Are you crazy?” He’s suspended in disbelief but Yoongi is attached to what he knows, what he’s experienced, and the desire to prevent another fucked up kid if he can’t save himself. If he can’t save himself - at least, he can do something for Jeongguk. The young boy is staring at Yoongi with lips parted, a slight tug at the corners of lips. A satisfaction to be understood, and _God_ does Yoongi understand.

“Yes. To that. He needs to see.” Namjoon throws his arms up, eyes to the ceiling, chuckling. Seunghyun sighs exasperatedly and mutters something about going to find his father. Yoongi steels himself, squeezes the tiny fingers to ground himself. “ _Namjoon_. Listen to me.” He’s becoming just as desperate as Jeongguk. Aren’t they the same person in this moment? In these circumstances?

“Why? He doesn’t know what’s going on. I can’t even find the words to explain it to him without breaking him completely apart. I’m not taking him from this house until Mr.Lee helps me.” Namjoon takes a breath, tired from the word vomit. “I need help.” Admittance. Another plea.

“He’ll remember this.” Yoongi tries to explain. Namjoon looks at him with eyes just as teary as Jeongguk’s when they first ran into him. “He’ll remember how you dragged him far from his mother. How he never got to say goodbye. He’ll blame you.” Or worse. “He’ll blame himself. Take him home, Namjoon. I’ll talk to Mr.Lee. Please, just go. Now.” He watches Namjoon shudder, wiping at tears he didn’t realize fell down his own cheeks.

“Home. Want to see, Mommy! Need to wake her up, Joonie hyung.” Jeongguk takes the chance to add his voice and Namjoon crumples.

“Let’s go, kiddo.” Jeongguk stumbles over to Namjoon, reaching his arms up for a hug and Namjoon leans down to embrace the naive child. Yoongi is glad he won’t see the moment of truth. The moment Jeongguk realizes his mother has left him, the moment he chooses to lock away everything he’s ever felt because it’s too much pain for such a small vessel, such a young mind. _Why didn’t she love him? Why wasn’t he enough?_

Mr.Lee and Seunghyun have been standing, watching over the scene from the side and Seunghyun is paling. He looks like he wants to say something, but Namjoon turns to the door. Mr.Lee steps out, raising his voice.

“I’ll give you a ride. Get there faster.” Yoongi’s coming with them, to witness two deaths in one night. Glancing again at Namjoon, it might even be three. He tries to brace himself. He can’t.

 

The ride back to the slums is full of questions a police officer is supposed to ask, the warm feeling of a caring adult, and a reluctant safety. Namjoon answers as much as he can, Jeongguk slumbering in the back with Yoongi who stares out at the streets passing them by. Jeongguk’s father beats his mother often, he gambles away money he doesn’t earn. Yoongi doesn’t have to ask to know where their money comes from. _Just people doing what they have to do._

His attention catches on a question Mr.Lee asks a lot more quietly, maybe assuming Yoongi is asleep, “And you? How have you been getting by?” Yoongi’s mind swims. _Namjoon knows him_. It’s the tone Mr.Lee uses that gives it away, like someone who checks in often and is familiar with what the answer could be if it not the good kind. He cranes his neck a smidge to be able to hear Namjoon’s answer easier.

“It’s been hard to get to school sometimes, been staying away a lot more often. Think the teacher’s probably onto me.” His tone is low, like someone who has no choice but to answer because of a soft threat that only they’re aware of. “Rolled in a lot this week. Old man’s been using it for himself. Pretty sure the hag is dipping into the cash every other week just as well.” Yoongi can’t put his finger on what exactly is so off about this situation. There’s something really deep he could uncover, he’s sure of it, but Yoongi isn’t going to try. Namjoon is his friend. He trusts him. He’ll tell him if he must. He sees Mr.Lee nod his head in understanding and end the conversation with, “Lay low for a while. We’ve been onto your suppliers for a little while, get too close and you’ll be brought in.” Curiosity prods Yoongi but he controls himself, maybe he’ll bring it up later when it’s just Namjoon and him.

Just as he feels Jeongguk stir in his seat next to him, they arrive on the same road the tyke had come barreling down. Mr.Lee parks on the side street and opens the doors, they all step out. Yoongi holds Jeongguk’s small hand. He wants to be there for him, as much as he possibly can. Namjoon glances back at the pair, offering up a sad smile as he leads the way to a rundown tiny apartment that Jeongguk must call home. They’re lucky. His father isn’t back yet. They’re not _that_ lucky, because Jeongguk’s mother has started to give off an awful stench. Yoongi knows it well, how your bowels let go when you die and you spill out anything you had inside of you. A gruesome end to the smallest of things, that’s all death has ever been. She’s sprawled in the middle of the living room, three orange bottles sprawled around her with one close enough to her hand to indicate she had been using it last. Yoongi holds his breath, looks down at Jeongguk who’s screeching and crying again but this time - this time, it’s different. This time, the boy must know. His mother is never waking up. Yoongi feels the smaller boy trying to wrench his hand out of his grip, and Yoongi lets it go. He watches the dark haired child fall next to the dead woman, curl up inside her stiff arms and pull at the thin summer dress she laid herself to rest in.

“ _Mommy_!”

No one moves to take the boy away from her for at least a minute, letting him hold onto the last remaining moments with her before the clean up crew Mr.Lee has already called gets here and his home is cleared out along with any memories he had, pleasant or not.

 _Suicide_. Yoongi feels his ribs constrict and squeeze around his lungs and heart, making it almost impossible to breathe. He wanted so much more for this boy, wanted to see him smile.

Yoongi’s always wanted a lot of things.

Maybe he’s getting selfish.

“Namjoon,” he whispers, because his voice couldn’t go any higher if he tried. The world is muffled once more, like the moments right before he passes out. He sees Namjoon turn towards him, blurring in what seems to be a frantic action. Too late, Yoongi realizes he’s moving towards him with his hand outstretched. His vision is all gone when he feels that hand rest on his skull, protecting it from the concrete floor below. His consciousness is just barely hanging on when he hears Mr.Lee dial another number and say Mrs.Lee’s name. Jeongguk’s sobbing is an unwelcome background music. In the foreground, he hears Namjoon, “Yoongi, what’s happening?” He wants to answer, _this just happens sometimes_ , but the world is gone and he’s dead once more.

 

 

He’s asked a lot of questions for a lot of reasons by a lot of people after that. He doesn’t understand what’s so different about this time from the last, or the one before that. He’s concerned about why one of the moments he opens his eyes, he sees white lights too bright for his tired eyes and hears the beeping of a heart monitor finally steadied. He’s scared to death why another moment, he sees Seokjin crying and Jihoon looking pale in the seat beside him with Seunghyun by the window across the way, hands over his eyes like he’s hiding the tears Yoongi can see spilling down his chin anyway. The last time he opens his eyes that day, or maybe it was a series of days - Yoongi can’t tell the flow of time anymore, Hoseok is clutching his hand and sobbing until his voice is wrecked but Yoongi can’t feel it, the familiar sensation of Hoseok’s fingers between his doesn’t register although he can see it right there. He can’t move his lips, trying so desperately to say the words his mind is screaming: _What’s happening_ ? _Someone please help me. God, please. Help me._

“There’s a 40% chance of recovery.” Yoongi hears a doctor that visits often to check his clipboard, watch his heart monitor and the other machine Yoongi can’t see just out of his peripheral vision, tell Miss Watson one night. He wonders if they know he’s been awake for hours, but it’s like his soul is stuck in a body that can’t move no matter how much he tries. He prays it’s all a nightmare. He’ll wake up soon.

He watches Jimin shuffle inside, ignoring the two adults speaking in voices that grow hushed because of the child that just walked in. Yoongi doesn’t seem to count as one anymore. He hates it, the dark circles staining Jimin’s under eye and the tears that won’t stop flowing even though Jimin isn’t making any noise. He might not even recognize he’s crying anymore. Yoongi’s seen him here, every night. He comes just a bit more often than Hoseok, a little less than Namjoon who seems to always be pleading with Yoongi.

“I’m sorry. If I had known, if I had just known. I’m so sorry.”

Yoongi is afraid. He is so scared, that he will never be able to get out of this state - even worse, that they’ll leave him in it. He thinks about how a lot of times when he lets himself think too much about it, he wants to die. He just wants it to be over. This must be Hell itself, to watch everyone he loves suffer around him - so obviously, because of _him_ \- and not be able to do a single thing. He watches Jimin tonight, sees him reach for his hand and then pull back again with a frown.

“Hyung. Don’t leave me, hyung. Don’t you leave me.” Jimin just barely whispers. Yoongi doubts anyone else could hear him. It doesn’t matter, the words are meant for him and him alone. His heart hurts, his monitor seems to pick up speed and the doctor calls for nurses. He feels warmth on his cheeks and a strange wetness. Yoongi cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I actually made MYSELF cry writing this, because I visualized all of this and I just - agh. 
> 
> This is the end of the elementary arc. There will be a time lapse next chapter. 
> 
> We're halfway through the fic at this point guys! AHHH! 
> 
> Love you all. Please comment, tell me what you think.


	15. are we going to stay like this forever, floating (i'm serious, my heart is furious)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He walks up to the orphanage with a strange nervousness inside his stomach, twisting and turning.  
> It’s the same building, same atmosphere, but he almost feels like an intruder.  
> He’s been gone too long. He opens the door, takes a deep breath and steps inside.  
> Everyone is standing in front of him, anxiousness written all over their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS EVE! Well, where I am. It might already be for you, or maybe it's the day after. BUT! This is like a gift for all of you :) 
> 
> This chapter is almost 5,000 words. That's like the longest one, I'm pretty sure. And it's mostly just happiness or at least closure. SO DON'T YOU WORRY KIDDOS! I won't make you cry too much for the holidays. Oh, and a new character is introduced. A very beloved person to me :3 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy~ 
> 
> HAPPY HOLIDAYS! 
> 
> Chapter Title from We Won't by James Young ft. Phoebe Ryan
> 
> Italicized portions are flashbacks. The time is kinda scattered.

“Yoongi, get up!” Jimin yells into the grumpy, sleeping boy’s ear for the fifth time in just as many minutes. “You’re going to be late for your first day of junior high.” He whines, then smirks because he realizes just how to get the elder up and ready. “Hobi hyung might find someone better to hang out with on the first day.” Yoongi’s eyes snap open. 

“Ya, you brat. What are you saying to me?” He sits up groggily, rubbing at his eyes. He turns his head to glance at the digital alarm clock on the dorm’s bedside table and grimaces. “Jimin, it’s only six. The bus doesn’t come for another forty-five minutes. I only need ten to get ready.” Jimin giggles, and takes Yoongi’s sheet off the bed. It’s laundry day.

“But Jin hyung is making our favorite pancakes and everyone else is already up. Come on, it’s not gonna kill you.” Jimin continues to defend his actions as he goes around collecting the sheets off all the beds.

“Maybe I’ll just follow Namjoon’s path and stop going to school.” Yoongi grumbles, considering slamming his face back into his pillow and blocking out the world with his dear headphones.

“Namjoon hyung is smart. He can afford to miss the days.” Jimin says, earning a pillow thrown in his direction. 

“You sure are cheeky for a second grader. This is no way to talk to your hyung.” 

“Third grader as of today!” Jimin sticks his tongue out at Yoongi and the elder smiles softly. He has a soft spot for the younger, too soft to admit at times, and secretly enjoys their little teasing battles.

“Wow, can you tie your shoes by yourself yet?” Yoongi grins.

“Why would I need to when I have you to do it for me.” Jimin grins back and Yoongi ignores the implications of that.

“I wouldn’t trust me with your shoelaces.” He finally gets out of bed, walking to the shared closet and picking out some jeans from his section. “Might knot them together so you waddle everywhere like a penguin.” In the distance, a familiar yelling can be heard approaching quickly. Yoongi braces himself for impact, and sure enough, the door swings open and there he is. Hoseok launches himself at Yoongi, all limbs in the air - how does he even do that?

“How are you still getting dressed?” Hoseok screams.

“I tried, hyung.” Jimin shakes his head. Yoongi scowls. “He’s impossible to get out of bed. Even if there was a fire, he’d try to get the last seconds of sleep he can.”

“I’ll just have to threaten your mp3 player and headphones next time then. You’ll do anything for your children, I’m sure.” Hoseok smiles, evil to the t.

“You wouldn’t dare.” Yoongi threatens.

“Try me.”

“I’ll break both your legs. You won’t be able to go to those dance lessons you won’t shut up about every weekend.” Yoongi glares right back at his best friend, who gives in and gets up off the smaller boy.

“Whatever. Finish getting dressed and come eat.” Hoseok turns to Jimin. “Let’s go Jiminie!”

“Let me just put the sheets in the laundry.”

“Oh, I can do it.” Hoseok smiles wide - or wid _ er _ , and attempts to take the sheets from Jimin.

“Ah! No, hyung. I can do it. We’ll be down any second.” Jimin presses the sheets closer to his chest, making sure to hide the front side.

“Why is is such a big deal? Did someone pee themselves?” Hoseok chuckles, and then stops when he sees Yoongi and Jimin give him looks that mean ‘playtime’s over and this is is something you can’t understand’. He puts his hands up and backs away towards the door. “Alright, alright. Come quick or I’ll eat every single pancake Jin makes.” He leaves and Yoongi and Jimin relax.

“Is it bad?” Yoongi asks Jimin, casually combing his bed hair down.

“Noticeable. I don’t know how to help him.” Yoongi hates how Jimin sounds, like it’s  _ his _ fault that their newest resident scratches and bites himself in his sleep, bleeding onto his sheets regularly.

“He’ll be okay. Give him some more time. Mrs.Lee is a good doctor; she’s helped me get over the worst of it.” Yoongi attempts to comfort the younger.

“Daesung hyung is a good person. Why does he do this to himself?” Jimin sighs. Yoongi holds back his answer.  _ Because sometimes everything i _ **_s_ ** _ your fault.  _ Jimin leaves the room to put the sheets in the hamper by the washing machine, and Yoongi stares at himself in the mirror.

 

_ Everyone is around Yoongi, crying harder than he’d ever seen when he was stuck in the bed. Miss Watson’s brought all the kids from the orphanage. The youngest ones look like they still don’t exactly understand why Yoongi was gone, he wonders if anyone really does. He’s a year older and it hasn’t been easy to fight against life trying to literally keep him down. Jimin is the only one that isn’t crying, his eyes are intense and boring directly into his own. It’s like he’s angry at him; he might be. Mr.Jung is holding Hoseok in his arms as the boy cries the ugly kind of tears with snot dripping all over, drool coming out of his open mouth. Yoongi’s heart hurts to think ‘this is because of me’. Namjoon is standing back with Jeongguk on his back. _

_ He’s crying silently, Jeongguk waving his hands in front of his eyes asking “What’s wrong hyung? Why are you sad?” Namjoon doesn’t answer him. Yoongi watches them leave the room; they don’t come back that day. _

_ Seunghyun is with his family, Mr.Lee holding Jihoon in his arms. The small boy has never looked more childish to Yoongi, crying into his father’s shoulder. Mrs.Lee’s hands are gripping Seunghyun’s shoulders as they shake with his own sobs. Seunghyun is holding Seokjin’s hand. Yoongi doesn’t like that Seokjin looks more like a part of the Lee family than theirs. He wonders when that happened, and then decides he’ll ask once he’s figured out how to talk again. _

_ Ms.Kim and Taehyung are here, with Jeonghan and Seungcheol also quietly crying to themselves. Yoongi is amazed how many people came just to see him get out of bed, like it’s the greatest accomplishment known to man - but right now, it might as well be. _

_ He thinks he sees Seunghyun, his Seunghyun, standing in the corner with a smile. He’s mouthing “You have to be a big boy. For them.” This is when Yoongi cries, his face scrunching up and his head falling forward into his chest. It breaks the invisible barrier between him and everyone else and they all rush to gather around him and help. After most people leave, a person he’s never seen before steps into his room swaying on his heels shyly. _

_ “Hello.” He says. The boy must be at least fourteen. Later, Yoongi finds out he’s fifteen and his new big brother. “I’m new at the orphanage. I wanted to introduce myself but when everyone else was here,” he pauses, “it felt wrong.” Yoongi’s too tired to answer what he wants right now. ‘Nonsense. You’re family now.’ He nods at him instead and the boy steps closer. _

_ “I’m Kang Daesung. Nice to meet you, Yoongi. I’ve heard,” he pauses and smiles - the smile is warm and genuine, “a lot about you. From everyone.” Yoongi could probably cry again if he wasn’t so damn tired. He nods again, as if that simple movement is his own language. Daesung understands just fine. Yoongi notices the boy is wearing jeans and long sleeved shirts in the summer. It must be unbearably hot. For a second, he sees something at the edge of his sleeve on his wrist. Something healing over, he frowns involuntarily. Daesung pulls his sleeve down. _

_ “I - it’s not what you think.” Daesung whispers. He looks so sad, and something else - something familiar. Yoongi recognizes it from the days he wouldn’t get out of bed, before Seokjin was even around to kick his mopey ass around. He can’t stand it, to see the self hatred in someone else. Daesung doesn’t look deserving. He spends the last bits of energy he has to make himself known. _

_ “I don’t think anything.” His voice is raspy, unused for an entire year - he’s amazed it still works. It kind of hurts. Daesung’s eyes widen, and he smiles again softly. Yoongi decides to say one more thing before he turns in for the night, another night at the hospital as they keep an eye on his vitals - make sure he doesn’t relapse when he comes back into the world. “Welcome.” He pretends not to see the tears in Daesung’s eyes as he gets up, bows, and leaves. _

 

Downstairs is rowdy and warm. Their family has grown in so many different ways since the first day Yoongi step foot into the house. There’s the usual residents; Jungyeon and Momo giggling together, Chan and Jisoo hitting each other playfully as they steal bites from each other’s plates, Seokjin and Yoongi smiling at each other this early in the morning because that’s what they’ve done  _ every _ morning no matter  _ how _ grumpy Yoongi is when he first wakes up. There’s Jimin trying to help Seokjin with putting down ingredients and napkins for everyone, ever eager. There’s Daesung just sitting back in his chair and enjoying the atmosphere; Yoongi knows how hard it can be to remind himself that this is real and this is something he can enjoy. Of course, there’s the extended family just as well. Hoseok and Taehyung sit by Jimin laughing at something Hoseok does with his hands that doesn’t look natural. Seunghyun is here, looking at Seokjin like he owns the world - or is the world. Namjoon sits on the opposite side, hiding glances he takes at the couple that Yoongi doesn’t miss, feeding Jeongguk who’s excited to enter his first day of kindergarten. Namjoon, himself, is going into his first day of high school. The middle school decided he might actually attend school if there’s new materials for him to learn and skipped him a few grades. Yoongi doubts it will make Namjoon attend any more than before; he’s a busy man. Yoongi hopes that he and Seunghyun make up someday, as they’re going into the same grade now and he doesn’t want to see his friends fight any longer.

Yoongi takes a seat, and is met by a chorus of “ _ Good morning _ ” directly at him. He’s the last one to the table. It’s obnoxious and gives him a headache for like three seconds, but he just mumbles it back and takes a bite of the traditional First Day pancakes Jin makes every year.

 

_ He walks up to the orphanage with a strange nervousness inside his stomach, twisting and turning. It’s the same building, same atmosphere, but he almost feels like an intruder. He’s been gone too long. He opens the door, takes a deep breath and steps inside. Everyone is standing in front of him, anxiousness written all over their faces. _

_ “I’m home.” Yoongi says softly. The crowd erupts in cheers, some are crying again. _

_ “Welcome home.” Seokjin says with a smile. _

_ “I missed you, hyung.” Jimin runs over and hugs Yoongi tightly. The elder splutters and blushes, not used to Jimin being so open with him. Jimin’s hug makes it known Yoongi isn’t so prickly that he won’t accept them today, so naturally, all the younger kids run at him at the same time and he falls to the floor with at least four younglings attached to all parts of his body. He laughs, hides the sobs threatening to break out again. _

_ “Alright. Alright. Calm down everyone.” Miss Watson waves everyone up. “It’s dinner time, and then an early bedtime. Most of you have school tomorrow.” Of course, Yoongi is just lucky enough to get out of the hospital just in time to go to his first day of fourth grade. Still, he doesn’t mind. He’s eager to fall back into regular routine and forget the nightmare even happened. Everyone disperses to get ready for dinner, while Miss Watson motions Yoongi over. _

_ “You don’t have to go tomorrow.” She starts. _

_ “I want to.” Yoongi replies quickly. He doesn’t want to be a patient anymore - hospital or his own bed, there’s barely a difference. _

_ “You can’t afford a lot of stress anymore, Yoongi.” Miss Watson worries. Yoongi scoffs. _

_ “I’d be more stressed dealing with the little ones.” Miss Watson smiles and nods, she dismisses him to wash his hands. Dinner is delicious, much better than hospital food and the conversation is easy and stays away from things Yoongi isn’t eager to talk about just yet. He’s thankful, so so thankful for what he has. He’s a lot more aware now since he almost lost it. It’s usually that way, isn’t it? _

 

“We all walking?” Yoongi asks the group of children ready for school, with backpacks and shining eyes. They all nod. Jungyeon and Momo walk holding hands. Yoongi smiles as he remembers Seokjin and himself doing the same most mornings. Seunghyun hasn’t gotten a new bike since the day Namjoon ruined its tire; Mr.Lee hadn’t been happy to hear Seunghyun had been picking a fight with the younger boy. The only resident not going to school yet is Chan. Yoongi had thought Jeongguk was the same age as the toddler, but turns out he was just a bit older and ready to enter the school system. Namjoon had brought him over that morning to spend time with kids more his age, well really Seunghyun brought him over - since he’s his new little brother. 

 

_ “Jeongguk!” Yoongi screams when he wakes up. He looks around the dark dorm, sweating, and afraid. What happened? What happened to Jeongguk while he was gone? The last image he had of him when he wasn’t stuck in the hospital, was of him hugging his dead mother. It leaves him worried beyond belief. He had seen the boy at the hospital numerous times while he was in comatose state, but some days he came with Namjoon and others he showed up with Seokjin and the Lee family - it had confused him then and it hasn’t stopped now.  _

_ “Yoongi?” A sleepy voice asks in the darkness. Seokjin. He hums in question. “Are you okay?” He feels his bed dip; Seokjin is sitting on the edge. He turns on the bedside lamp. _

_ “I’m - fine.” Yoongi says. _

_ “Why did you shout Jeongguk’s name?” Seokjin asks. _

_ “I’m worried. What happened? Is Namjoon okay?” Yoongi spills it all quickly. Answers are more important than dignity right now. He watches Seokjin’s brows furrow like so many times before, and his lips form an o in exhale as he sighs. “What is it?” Seokjin takes a hand and runs it through his hair, before he walks out of the room. Yoongi sits there in stunned silence, but then Seokjin comes back with the land line and a post-it note. “What-?” _

_ “Namjoon’s number.” Seokjin says without letting Yoongi finish. “Ask him yourself.” Yoongi stares at the paper, and as if in a trance dials it. The tone rings once, twice, then someone picks up. _

_ “I fucking told you I don’t do late night right now. Call back in the morning.” His voice is different, not just because at two in the morning he obviously just woke up, but there’s some kind of intimidating authority there.  _

_ “Namjoon?” Yoongi whispers, just barely enough for the receiver to pick up. _

_ “What? How do you know my name? Who is this?” He’s a lot more alert now, almost panicky. Yoongi wonders who he thought he was when he picked up. _

_ “It’s Yoongi. Seokjin gave me your number.” _

_ “What the fuck?” He hears rustling, Namjoon moving in his bed he supposes. “He kept it?” Yoongi opens his mouth to answer but Namjoon cuts him off. “Never mind. What is it? Is something wrong?” Namjoon’s voice is back to its usual. Yoongi wonders how many faces the younger keeps around, for how many people. “Is Seokjin okay?” _

_ “He’s fine. He’s gone back to sleep.” Yoongi stares at Seokjin’s shoulders, widening every day, move steadily to his breathing. _

_ “Are you okay?” Namjoon asks tentatively.  _

_ “I- I don’t know. I’m going crazy thinking of-” Yoongi stops.  _

_ “Yoongi, you can’t.” Namjoon yells. _

_ “What?” _

_ “You can’t stress yourself out! What if you give yourself another stroke? Do you want to go back to the hospital, you idiot?” Yoongi knows Namjoon is just worried, everyone is, but he doesn’t like to be babied. _

_ “I’m fine. I just need answers. You’re usually pretty good at giving them.” He smiles to himself. Namjoon chuckles. _

_ “Shoot then.” _

_ “What happened to Jeongguk?” He pauses. “Does he live with his dad?” Namjoon sighs on the other line. _

_ “No, Yoongi.” The answer is solemn, heavy with something Yoongi can’t place. “His dad is dead.”  _

_ “What?” Yoongi says it like a breath, punched straight out of his lungs. “Then is he-” Yoongi gets louder, watches Seokjin stir and then lowers his voice, “an orphan?” _

_ “Well, yes. But, no?” Namjoon sighs again. He sounds irritated. “I found him a family.” Things make a lot more sense. The Lees adopted Jihoon, why couldn’t they adopt another? Especially when it seemed like Mr.Lee was so close to Namjoon. _

_ “The Lees.” He confirms. _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ “They’re a good family.” Yoongi offers as consolation. He’s sure Namjoon isn’t too happy about the arrangement, when Seunghyun wants his head on a stake most days - and he probably feels like he let Jeongguk down anyway.   _

_ “I know. Officer Lee has done a lot for me. Jeongguk will be raised well.” Yoongi’s heart breaks at how much sadness is held in those words. The unspoken ‘I can’t do it myself.’ _

_ “Namjoon-” He starts. Namjoon hangs up. Yoongi doesn’t bother calling back, he’s sure he wouldn’t pick up anyway. He turns off the light, and goes back to sleep. _

 

“Namjoon!” Yoongi shouts excitedly. He runs up to the front of the group where he was talking to Daesung, and jabs him in the side. “How’s it feel?”

“Irritating. Why’d you do that?” Namjoon rubs at the spot, staring at Yoongi who rolls his eyes. 

“Not that. How’s it feel to be a high schooler when you should really be in sixth grade, like Hoseok here.” He puts an arm around Hoseok’s shoulders, dragging him along.

“Hey, you’re a sixth grader too!” Hoseok yelled indignant.

Yoongi smiles his gummy smile and says a matter of factly, “But I _ should  _ be a seventh grader.”

“Yet all you grew up to be is a pain in our asses.” Seunghyun laughs to the side, Seokjin hits him for swearing - like always.

“At least he wasn’t born an asshole, like some people we know.” Namjoon winks at Yoongi, who chuckles - though he catches onto the real menace behind the teasing.

“Hey, how come you didn’t hit  _ him _ ?” Seunghyun whines at his boyfriend.

“Don’t know him well enough. None of my business.” Seokjin shrugs, looking to the side.

“Well, fuck this. I’m going on ahead. See ya later, kiddos.” Namjoon runs ahead, crossing the street. Yoongi sighs.

“Why do you guys have to fight like that? You barely know each other. You might even get along if you talk like normal people for a second.” Jimin complains. Seunghyun scoffs loudly.

“I know that prick better than anyone here.” Seokjin looks at him in surprise, but Yoongi already knew there was a background story there. He just wants to know what it is. “He’s the scum of the earth. People like him shouldn’t be allowed to walk around out here, with us! With children!” Seokjin hits him again, frowning. “What? I didn’t swear.” 

“You said prick.” Seokjin mumbles. Yoongi thinks Seokjin probably didn’t hit him for that though, the taller boy looks upset at Seunghyun’s words. Since he’s gotten out of the hospital, or even while he was in it, he’s seen a change of dynamic in their relationship.

 

_ “Hey, let’s go see Namjoon today.” Yoongi prods Seokjin while they sit on the couch. “Hell, let’s grab Jimin and Hoseok too. I want to get out of this house. It’d do them some good too.” _

_ “You go ahead. Sounds like a good idea.” Seokjin says quietly, not looking away from whatever drama was on during the daytime television. Yoongi is surprised he didn’t scold him for the swear. _

_ “I want to go with you, Seokjin.” Yoongi presses. _

_ “I don’t want to go anywhere today. I’m kind of tired.” They hear the phone ring in the hallway; Miss Watson picks it up. There’s some mumbling.  _ __  
_  
_ __ “Seokjin, it’s for you!” She calls, then adds, “It’s Seunghyun.” Seokjin gets up and goes to the phone, talking for a few minutes as Yoongi tries to pay attention to the schoolgirl falling on top of her clumsy teacher. The age difference really bugs him about this show. It’s just not right. Seokjin walks back in, but goes past the couch to the dorm. 

_ “Where are you going?” Yoongi asks, surprised that Seokjin didn’t say anything to him as he passed. He’s not that type of person. _

_ “Out.” Seokjin offers just the one word. _

_ “Thought you didn’t want to go anywhere today?” Yoongi scoffs. He’s a bit mad. Seokjin’s been kind of a jerk lately when it comes to anything that has to do with Seunghyun or Namjoon.  _

_ “It’s Seunghyun. I’ll go anywhere he asks.” Seokjin says, as he goes into the room and comes back out with a jacket. “I’ll be back before dinner.” _

_ “Maybe Namjoon was right.” Yoongi says nonchalantly. “You can’t let him control you. That’s not healthy.” _

_ Seokjin turns around quickly, though his hand was already on the front doorknob. “You don’t know anything about relationships, Yoongi!” He yells. Yoongi is taken aback. _

_ “Well, no but-” he tries to defend himself. _

_ “But nothing! When you love someone, you’d do anything for them!” Seokjin continues to yell. Yoongi doesn’t often see him this worked up. He doesn’t look like he believes his own words. _

_ “I just think you’re the only one doing that.” Yoongi finishes, gets up and goes to find Jimin. He hears Seokjin slam the door on his way out. _

 

The elementary school is the first stop and the older kids wave goodbye, making silly faces to the really small ones that giggle and make faces back. Jeongguk looks upset that Namjoon isn’t there to wish him a good day. Seunghyun tries to fill the spot, but it’s obvious there’s a difference in the interaction. Yoongi ruffles Jimin’s hair and Hoseok gives him a hug to crush his ribcage.

“Don’t let the kids pick on you just because you’re adorable, Jiminie!” Hoseok yells right into his face. 

“Hey, he’s got me as a bodyguard. No one would dare.” Taehyung steps in, hugging Jimin as well and rubbing his face to his. Yoongi is jealous at how comfortable the other two are with the young boy, he still feels too awkward for things like that. It gives him a weird feeling. He turns to Jungyeon, who’s trying to calm a nervous Momo.

“You two stick together. Jungyeon, I’m trusting you to make this girl laugh throughout the day. Can I do that?” Yoongi says in his best big brother voice. Jungyeon stands at attention and salutes. Yoongi chuckles and kneels to give both girls a quick hug. 

“Have a good day, oppa!” Momo says with her brightest smile. It makes even Yoongi’s tough guy heart melt. He gives a smile back. For a moment, Yoongi wonders why Jihoon doesn’t come over to their house to walk together in the morning then realizes he’s probably not comfortable with the orphanage being with one himself - probably not the good kind. He promises himself he’ll walk Jihoon to school all of next week. He’s sure the boy wouldn’t mind the company, though he’s picked up a prickly attitude just like Yoongi. He turns to Jisoo, who looks more nervous than anyone. She’s had a hard time being away from Chan, but Yoongi remembers how Mrs.Lee told them it’s good for her.

“Hey, you gonna be alright, Jisoo-ah?” He smiles at her, she nods timidly. “If anything goes wrong, you just tell your oppa and I’ll take care of it.” He winks at her, earning him a smile. He gives a quick hug and then all the kids go inside the grounds.

“It’s strange to see how many of us are this young.” Seokjin says.

“Well I can’t even imagine how Daesung must feel.” Hoseok laughs. “A tenth grader in the midst of middle and elementary schoolers.” Daesung smiles and just shrugs. Everyone knows it doesn’t actually bother him.

“No worries, I’ll take care of Daesung!” Seunghyun yells, running up to the older boy. 

“I’m older than you, brat.” Daesung answers playfully.    
  
“Oh come on, hyung. Better than hanging with Namjoon, hmm?” He laughs at his own expense. Seokjin scowls and walks ahead. Yoongi joins him.

“You seem to be bothered when he insults him.” Yoongi says casually, not trying to push too far.

“He’s being an asshole. Namjoon is a good guy. We’re friends.” He looks sad for a moment. “We were.” 

“You could still be.” Yoongi offers. “It’s up to you.”

“Don’t start this again.” Seokjin sighs. Yoongi backs off. Hoseok runs up to join them.

“Hey, Jin. No offense but-” he breathes in and out, tired from the run. “Well I mean offense, to be honest. Your boyfriend’s an asshole.” Yoongi laughs.

“I know! He’s not always like this. There’s just something about Namjoon.” He rubs his temples.

“Well, isn’t it because he’s competition?” Hoseok says, oblivious to the tenacity of the situation. Everybody stares at him.

“What are you talking about?” Seokjin laughs, but it doesn’t sound too convincing. “Me and Namjoon would never-” He trails off. They arrive at the middle school, and split into their respective classes. Yoongi thinks about it for the rest of the day, about what kind of person Namjoon is and whether Seokin might be happier with him. 

 

_ “I’m sorry, Yoongi.” Namjoon cries into his shoulder, holding on so tight Yoongi thinks he must be afraid if he lets go he’ll never see him again. “I’m so sorry.” _

_ “Namjoon, what? What are you so sorry about?” He sits up further in his bed, he’s being released tomorrow - pretty much back to normal, except everyone keeps emphasizing to stay away from any stressful situations. ‘One more scare, and you could be gone for good.’ the doctors said, like it’s not a big deal. “It’s okay. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s okay.” He just wants Namjoon to stop crying. He’s never been comfortable with seeing people so much stronger than him crumble. The younger boy looks up, dark circles still there. He still hasn’t slept, Yoongi thinks. _

_ “I didn’t know that you’d be so- that-” he sobs again. “This is my fault. What if you never woke up? It’s my fault.” Namjoon wails, the sound tears Yoongi completely in two. _

_ “How is this your fault? Namjoon, that doesn’t make sense.” Yoongi breathes, tries to get him to calm down, rubbing Namjoon’s back like he’s a sick child. _

_ “If I had known about your trauma. I knew you fainted, I just. I didn’t think-” He cries harder. _

_ “Namjoon!” Yoongi yells. The other boy pauses, holds his breath to stop from sniffling from his hysterics. “That  _ **_wasn’t_ ** _ your fault.” _

_ “Yes, it was. I promised Seokjin I’d never hurt you and - god, he must hate me.” He continues to ramble. _

_ “Is that what this is about? Seokjin?” Yoongi whispers.  _

_ “No! I mean it’s part of it, but I just. I almost killed you. I - I do that a lot.” He’s whispering now, like he’s scared someone else in the room might hear - like he’s being watched. Yoongi shakes his head, frowning. _

_ “Namjoon. I’m fine. Seokjin isn’t mad at you. This wasn’t your fault.” Namjoon opens his mouth and Yoongi grabs his face with both hands. “Repeat after me.” Namjoon nods slowly, intimidated by the look in Yoongi’s eyes. _

_ “Yoongi is alive and well.” He looks into Namjoon’s eyes. The younger continues to sniffle but takes a breath. _

_ “Yoongi is alive and well.”  _

_ “Good.” _

_ “Seokjin isn’t mad at me.” _

_ “Seokjin-” Namjoon almost begins to sob again. _

_ “Namjoon, I know how much you love him.” Namjoon blushes, taken aback by the directness. “He cares for you. He’s just confused right now. You might never be together but you’ll be friends again someday. He’s not mad. Repeat it.” Namjoon visibly relaxes.  _

_ “Seokjin isn’t mad at me.” _

_ “Now, repeat this three times. Right now, in front of me. Once as you step out of the hospital and go home to get some  _ **_fucking_ ** _ sleep.” _

_ “Hey, Seokjin isn’t here but don’t swear.” _

_ “Shut up, idiot.” Yoongi laughs. Namjoon laughs slightly as well. _

_ “Once when you get home.” Yoongi stops to think. “Wait, four times.” Namjoon raises a brow. “Once when you see me out of the hospital again. The first thing you say to me must be this, or I-” he looks at him, all business. “I will tell Seokjin you wrote a poem about him every day for a month and called the collection Nothing Gets Me as Drunk as Jin.” He watches Namjoon turn bright red, wince and then nod. “Now what do you have to say to me, Namjoon?”  _

_ “It’s not my fault.” _

_ “Damn right, go home. Sleep. Eat something. You’re actually turning into a praying mantis.” Yoongi smiles, tired himself. _

_ “I don’t pray. I’d be a stick bug.” Namjoon says in his smartie pants tone. Yoongi would laugh if he had the energy, but sleep is calling him much more than Namjoon. The last thing he hears before his mind goes under for rest is the sound of his room’s door closing and a quiet “Thank you, hyung.” _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh!? EHHHHHH??? Anyone relieved? I'M RELIEVED. Yoongi is okay ^^ and he's really healing in a lot of ways, they all are
> 
> Thank you for reading. I love you all. 
> 
> Please leave comments if you have the time and desire, I love to read them and reply :)


	16. they say that love's a bitch, read my lips (i've waited all my life for a bitch like this, for a kiss like this)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the girls are playing together, and he’s bathing in the comfort of the cozy orphanage when he remembers that morning. He goes to look for Seokjin, and finds him in the kitchen helping Miss Watson with dinner. They’re making polite conversation, and if Yoongi didn’t know Seokjin better he would probably believe there’s no problems left to deal with - but Yoongi knows Seokjin better than anyone in the orphanage so he just takes a seat at the dinner table and waits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I thought I'd be clever and do this thing here called "A New Chapter for the New Year" 
> 
> I actually really wanted to update BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER IS EXCITING 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy my lovely reader
> 
> Happy New Year, may you all be happier than the year before. :) 
> 
> Chapter Title from Love Like This by The Summer Set

Yoongi walks in on Seokjin staring at a cooking show with no expression, four days after the first day back to school and he knows something is wrong. He sits next to him on the sofa, looks at the show as well - a man is making some kind of bento Seokjin’s always wanted to try - and doesn’t say anything until Seokjin speaks first.

“You don’t have to babysit me because I’m upset, Yoongi.” His voice is monotone, unfeeling and cold, like he isn’t even there or maybe just talking to an annoying stranger on the subway.

“I’m not doing anything because I have to, and this isn’t babysitting. I’m just checking in, seeing if there’s anything I can do.” Yoongi says softly, despite his irritation. People get mean when they’re upset, he knows that better than anyone.

“I’m not going to do anything. You can leave.” Seokjin perseveres. Yoongi is confused about what he’s implying for a second, and then he just feels really angry all at once. He’s offended.

“What? You think I only care about people when I think they’re going to kill themselves?” Yoongi smiles in disbelief, the lopsided kind of grin that’s off setting. Seokjin doesn’t look at him, stays stone still. Yoongi grabs his shoulder and pulls him to face his direction, fire in his eyes. “Talk to me, Seokjin!” He yells. Maybe a part of him really is scared this is the beginning of something awful, something he’s seen too many times before. Seokjin seems to be looking past him, his eyes glassed over. Yoongi takes him by the collar - despite their height difference, Seokjin’s hit a growth spurt while Yoongi seems to have stopped growing at all - and shakes him back and forth. “Own up to what you said, at least. Or am I wrong?” He stops, waits to see if Seokjin will talk. He doesn’t. “Tell me I’m wrong.” He grits, in vain because Seokjin doesn’t budge and he lets go of him and storms off to talk to someone worth his time. The slam of the front door on the way out blocks out the soft sobs starting to come out of the boy left on the couch.

 

He doesn’t get very far, before Jimin is running down the street behind him shouting ‘hyung’. Yoongi stops, holds his hands in fists as they shake and wills himself to calm so he doesn’t explode on someone undeserving. Jimin catches up, stops right behind him and asks a really stupid question.

“Why did you make Seokjin hyung cry?” Yoongi snaps back around to face Jimin, who’s pleasantly still shorter than him.

“I didn’t. Did he cry after I left?” He still sounds angry, and that’s mostly because he still is. He’s hurt by the fact that his worries seem to have defined him, that he’s _that_ fragile. Jimin looks at him, half worried and half judging. It makes Yoongi uncomfortable in his own skin.

“He was crying really quietly when I walked into the living room, and when he saw me he ran into the dorms and locked the door.” Jimin answers. They stand in silence, Yoongi looking to the side because he can’t manage to make eye contact and Jimin staring at the ground. “I’m worried about Seokjin hyung.” Jimin finally says.

“Yeah, I was trying to help. He said some bullshit, so I left.”

“No, I don’t mean about just today, hyung.” Yoongi looks at Jimin now, he probably knows where this is going. “He’s been really sad lately, right? Different. He doesn’t even say good morning to me anymore.” Yoongi nods. He’s noticed it too; they all have. Seokjin is the nicest and arguably most mature person in the orphanage aside from Miss Watson - of course - and yet, he’d been snapping on everyone for the smallest things. Chan had cried just the other day when Seokjin had yelled at him for leaving his dirty plate after breakfast, though usually he wouldn’t have even minded cleaning it up himself.

“What do you think’s going on?” Yoongi asks, waiting for Jimin to sink or sail him. What if - what if, Seokjin really was starting to feel that same hopelessness as his grandmother or Seunghyun? What had caused it? Could Yoongi save him?

“I think it’s something to do with school.” Jimin mumbles, as if still in thought. “I noticed the behavior first when he came home really late on Tuesday. Remember? He didn’t even check in on anyone, like he usually does. He just went straight to bed.”

“Yeah, but he said he just joined the culinary club and had initiation?” Yoongi says, though he knows that could easily be an excuse - he doesn’t want to think Seokjin lied to them, to _him_. Jimin just shrugs, biting his bottom lip. Yoongi tears his attention away from it, feeling strange. He clears his throat. “Anyway, I’ll be home before dinner. I’m going to go over to Hoseok’s. I need something to cool me down.” He smiles faintly at Jimin, who kicks his feet shyly. Yoongi can hear the question before Jimin asks it.

“Can I come?”

“No, Jimin. Sorry.” He kind of feels like he’s been punched in the gut, his heart beats faster. “I just - I need some time with just my best friend, you know?” Yoongi doesn’t want to see Jimin’s shoulders fall in disappointment, but he doesn’t want to go at all if it isn’t just him and Hoseok today.

“That’s okay, hyung. I’ll just invite Tae over!” Jimin is as cheerful as ever. Yoongi’s thankful for the boy _every_ day, but some days bring it to attention more than others. “Maybe if I have him with me, we can cheer Seokjing hyung up.” Jimin gives him that smile that’s brighter than seemingly even Hoseok’s - though Yoongi’s never measured and he loves both the same, than the sun, than the glaring light of the eye doctor examining his iris before he told him he might need glasses. Yoongi doesn’t think about it when he reaches out a hand and ruffles the boy’s soft hair, returning the smile with his own best.

“You do that, kiddo.” He says fondly, and then turns and waves as he walks in the direction of Hoseok’s community. Jimin watches him until he turns the corner and he can’t see his back anymore, chest warm even in the fall air.

 

Hoseok’s smile is ready and in Yoongi’s face as soon as he opens the door to greet him, just as his arms are set to crush as he envelops him and drags him inside. Yoongi laughs, happy to be back to some kind of normality and away from the sadness that seems to plague his life every step of the way. “My dad’s not home right now.” Hoseok says, as they gather some snacks and drinks to bring to the living room coffee table and put on the drama Hoseok’s been obsessed with lately. For some reason, the absence of Mr.Jung makes Yoongi nervous and he feels fidgety as they sit next to each other - although most days he’s over Hoseok climbs all over him anyway. Eventually Yoongi settles and Hoseok leans into him as they watch two men fight foolishly over a mug at an auction purely out of pride and what they believe are the right feelings towards the main character, Hoseok cheers every time one of them raises the price while Yoongi just scowls and waits for it to be over. The air itself seems to shift itself around them however, when the main character leaves and one of the men chase after her and after a small argument and some shed tears - he kisses her. Yoongi holds his breath, though Hoseok just seems to be watching with an observant eye.

Yoongi feels every muscle in his body go rigid, but his skin warms impossibly as though there’s a stifling heat in the room. He’s pretty sure the heat is just Hoseok, and it worries him. That is, until he makes up his mind and decides to try something he’s been thinking of for a while now. He’s grown, and realized that some feelings stand out with Hoseok - feelings he doesn’t get when talking to Seokjin, Namjoon or Jihoon. Sometimes he just really wants to tell him every single thing he likes about him, like how he’s quick to talk to people no matter who they are and how he approaches life with a ‘all in’ attitude no matter where, the passion he has for dance - his new dance classes make him happier than Yoongi has ever seen, or just his soft hair and eyes that move with the lips almost always curled into a smile. Yoongi wants him to know that he wants to protect him for the rest of his life, hold him in his arms - or maybe be held, and that he hurts the most when Hoseok cries. He wants him to know that he’s been lost all of his life, but with Hoseok - he thinks he can be found. So he’s going to try. He turns to face him, and like the manly man he is, he asks. “Do you want to try that?”

“What?” Hoseok’s brows raise in question; he’s genuinely confused. Yoongi takes a breath, gathers every drop of courage he’s been saving til now.

“Kissing.”

“Why?” Hoseok isn’t a jerk about it. It isn’t asked as a rejection. He just wants a reason, wants to understand. Of course, Hoseok is a smart guy - Yoongi loves that about him too. He flushes harder than he ever has, he’s sure his eyes are boiling in their sockets from the heat gathering in his pale cheeks. He can’t say it, at least not at this moment, can’t tell him he likes him more than he’s ever known is possible to like a person - or at least in this way. He finds the best reason he can, other than the truth.

“We’re men. We’re already in middle school.” He moves his lips around, suddenly aware that they’re kind of dry and he curses himself for not applying lip balm earlier.

“So?”

“Well, men are good at stuff like that. We should practice.” Yoongi says matter of factly. He’s the elder here, he knows what he’s talking about. Hoseok seems to think so too, because his eyes light up and he starts nodding his head in agreement.

They falter, look at each other - giggle, _oh god_ \- and then try moving closer. The first attempt to get close ends with them bumping foreheads, the second with bumping chins, the third attempt results in Yoongi’s lips meeting Hoseok’s nose - which is enough to get his insides to scream. Finally, Hoseok seems to get frustrated and grips Yoongi’s left cheek with his fingers. They close in slower, as embarrassing as it is, and Hoseok makes a motion that indicates Yoongi should tilt his head. Yoongi does, and Hoseok follows. After what feels like years of mortification, anticipation, and nerves, their lips finally meet and Yoongi thinks he might faint again. It’s everything he ever wanted and nothing he could have imagined. His veins light on fire, he thinks he might _actually_ be able to fly, and his heart literally explodes. Hoseok’s lips are just as dry as Yoongi’s, which turns out to be not that dry at all, and they don’t move for a good ten seconds - just let their lips touch like Hoseok sometimes stands way too close to Yoongi just to feel that he’s there. Then they pull back, Yoongi’s breath is gone and he can’t manage to say anything but Hoseok does.

“We should do it like in the drama. They moved their lips.” He reaches for the remote to rewind it so that they can study the scene, but Yoongi snatches his wrist and stares at Hoseok wondering if his world is as changed as his. He doesn’t question it for now, just takes initiative and leans in again. Their heads naturally tilt, their lips slot in a less awkward encounter and they slowly move them in a game Yoongi really likes, he moves even closer as they kiss and puts his arms around Hoseok’s waist. Hoseok reaches around and grabs onto Yoongi’s back. It feels right, or at least what Yoongi thinks is right. They pull back again, and Yoongi is pleased to find Hoseok’s cheeks are as pink as his now.

“Good?” Yoongi manages to whisper. Hoseok smiles at him.

“Amazing.”

 

Yoongi comes home a few hours before dinner, smiling like an idiot. He might have whistled on his way home, but no one has to know that. He walks through the door, shouting “I’m home.” Chan and Daesung look up with a smile, waving from the living room floor where they’re playing some children’s board game. He hears familiar yelling from the dorms and can immediately tell Taehyung is still over. All the girls are playing together, and he’s bathing in the comfort of the cozy orphanage when he remembers that morning. He goes to look for Seokjin, and finds him in the kitchen helping Miss Watson with dinner. They’re making polite conversation, and if Yoongi didn’t know Seokjin better he would probably believe there’s no problems left to deal with - but Yoongi knows Seokjin better than anyone in the orphanage so he just takes a seat at the dinner table and waits. Seokjin notices him, excusing himself from Miss Watson who gives him a smile and urges him to ‘go have fun’. Seokjin takes the seat right next to Yoongi, and for a little while they sit in silence.

“Hey, I-”

“I’d just like to -”

They start at the same time, stopping and smiling nervously before Yoongi lets Seokjin go first.

“I’m sorry. What I said this morning was completely unnecessary, and I didn’t mean it. I just wanted to hurt you so that you would leave. It was awful of me. I’m so sorry.” He faces Yoongi, looking into his eyes as he says it - Yoongi would have known it was the truth even if he hadn’t. He accepts his apology, and then starts with his own.

“Well I shouldn’t have gotten so worked up, even shaking you around. I’m sorry, Seokjin. You know, I’m just worried about you. Jimin too.” He glances at him, and dares to continue - high on today’s events. “You can talk to us, Seokjin. We wish you would.” Seokjin nods solemnly.

“Not now. Jimin and Taehyung already jumped on me like a trampoline screaming to cheer up anyway.” He laughs slightly. “Yoongi, I promise I’ll tell you about it sometime.” His voice softens, the sadness leaking through again. “But I’m just not ready to right now.”

“Time for dinner, everybody!” Miss Watson announces, then turns to Yoongi. “Hey, sweetheart. Think you could go save Jimin from his own best friend?” She gives him a heartwarming smile, and how could Yoongi say no? It takes him five minutes to detach Taehyung from a fallen over Park Jimin. Dinner is delicious.

 

Taehyung stays the night, after a teary eyed session of pleading with his mother who only gives in when Miss Watson assures her she’ll put the kids to bed and keep an eye out for the rascal. He sleeps in Jimin’s bed, though there’s three other empty bunks in the dorm, and Yoongi doesn’t hear Jimin complain. When everyone in bed is asleep, he sneaks out of his own bunk and takes the land line and the paper with Namjoon’s number he saved from last time. His fingers shake and his heart feels like it might jump out any moment as he stands in the dark living room waiting for Namjoon to pick up.

“If this isn’t Yoongi, I’ll slice your fucking throat.” The familiar groggy voice sounds through.

“Guess I’m in luck.” Yoongi laughs, though he shudders at the promise in the threat.

“Oh, shit. Sorry, Yoongs. Didn’t mean for you to hear that. What’s up? Is everything alright?” Yoongi listens to the turn of a light switch and the rustling of sheets again.

“Yeah. Everything is great actually. Well, I mean, maybe there’s one thing.” Yoongi isn’t sure whether he should mention Seokjin’s recent state to Namjoon - who would surely worry more than anyone really should and immediately jump into action - but he could _help_. “It’s about Seokjin.” He hears Namjoon sigh and the sounds of paper and the click of pen. Oh boy.

“Is it Seunghyun?”

“Huh?” Yoongi didn’t even consider that, maybe because he loves Seunghyun just as much as all his friends, inside the orphanage and out.

“That guy’s been acting worse than ever.” Namjoon growls on the other line. “He’s been hanging out with a guy I know personally - which is never a good thing to hear, Yoongi.”

“Well, why does it matter if Seunghyun hangs out with other people? Seokjin has other friends.”

Namjoon laughs, the kind of laugh that says _‘Aw, kid. You won’t understand just yet.’_ It kind of pisses Yoongi off, he’s the _older_ one. “They’re a little too close to be friends, in my opinion.” Namjoon says, smile in his voice.

“Hey, this isn’t something to be happy about!” Yoongi raises his voice, and then immediately shuts his mouth and listens if anyone woke up.

“I’m not happy. I’m so angry, it hurts. _No one_ fucks with Seokjin.”

“We don’t even know if anything is really going on, Namjoon.” Yoongi tries to reason.

“Guess we’ll find out. Keep an eye on Seokjin, would ya?” He hears him yawn.

“Uh, there’s something I wanted to talk about when I called. Other than that.” He’s blushing again, just recalling the memory, but he’s also smiling so much.

“Yeah?”

“I - I kissed Hoseok.” He says it like a secret, and maybe it is - his best secret, the best secret in the world, the secret he wants to repeat over and over to himself until he falls asleep and dreams of it. He hears Namjoon laugh and whoop on his side.

“Well look at you, Mr.Casanova. How was it?”

“More than I can put into words.” Yoongi sighs, content.

“Did you want to do more?” There’s a strange spike to his tone, like he’s telling a dirty joke Yoongi’s heard from the boys in school when they don’t know he can hear them.

“What more is there to do?” He hears Namjoon laugh louder than ever.

“Hey, won’t your family get mad if you wake them up?” He hisses.

“My family doesn’t give a shit about anything I do. I don’t have a family, Yoongi.” He suddenly turns serious, then back to the tone before. Yoongi feels a pang in his heart for the younger. “You know, _more_. Sex.”

“Sex!?” Yoongi shouts. He hears someone stir in the dorms and the sound of the door squeaking. He wishes he had picked a better phrase to wake someone with. He prays it isn’t Miss Watson, and his prayers are answered when he sees a sleepy eyed Jimin step out into the darkness.

“Hyung?” He mumbles, tongue heavy with sleep.

“Jimin, go back to sleep. I’m almost done.” Yoongi can faintly hear Namjoon ranting about something on the other line, but mostly he hears his heartbeat from his panic.

“Who’s on the phone?” Jimin questions, tilting his head like a puppy.

“It’s Namjoon. I wanted to ask him about Seokjin. Go back to sleep, Jimin. Please.” He pleads, afraid that someone else will wake up with their whispering.

“Oh, okay. Tell him I said hi.” Jimin says as he walks back and closes the dorm door behind him. Yoongi sighs and focuses back in to the very end of Namjoon’s rant. 

“... so you might want to use oil or something or it will hurt.”

“Okay, thanks. You’ve really helped. Good night.” He rushes, not even registering the advice - not that he would have understood anyway. What would he need oil for when he’s with Hoseok? Namjoon sure does know some strange things. He hangs up the phone and rushes to bed, relaxed that he told _someone_ about him and Hoseok. He falls asleep wondering what Namjoon was talking about, and dreams of Hoseok’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I nearly died writing the Yoonseok kiss scene, and then Namjoon's "sex" convo. 
> 
> Ah, here we go guys. Some more angst upcoming with Seokjin. Brace yourselves.


	17. there's too much smoke to see it (there's too much broke to feel this)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “A family. Is that what you were going to say?”  
> Yoongi doesn’t have anything to say - Namjoon’s spot on.  
> “Yeah, Yoongi. I know. I can’t be anyone’s family. You don’t have to feel bad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! It's been a little over a month I think? This chapter's on the shortish side too, but it's progressing a lot. 
> 
> I hope you enjoys as always! 
> 
> Chapter Title from Pieces by Andrew Belle

“What?” Yoongi says, unbelieving. Miss Watson is looking at him, like she did when she first met him, a little wary and unsure of how to approach. “How - that - that doesn’t happen.” Yoongi splutters. Miss Watson sighs.

“Well, sometimes it does, Yoongi,” a pause drawn out too long, “and it has.” Yoongi shakes his head violently, throwing a tantrum like a kid. He doesn’t want to believe it. How could - how could he _leave_ him? How did this _happen_? He runs out of the room, searching for the one person who swore to him he’d never leave - and someone Yoongi had believed. He threw open the door to the boy’s dorm, finding the target taking his clothes from his part of the closet.

 “Jin,” he chokes out, tears already spilling. He’s strung out, emotions tensing in every part of his small body ever since he had heard the news this morning from Jimin - only to be confirmed by Miss Watson with a somber look. Seokjin turns around, a grave expression on his face with shoulders slumped. He doesn’t look Yoongi in the eyes.   
  
“It’s true, Yoongi. She called last night. I’m packing.” Seokjin says softly, staring at his feet like maybe he can superglue himself to the spot to keep himself from leaving. The matter of the fact is - no one in the orphanage believed this to be a good thing. Not even Miss Watson. Not even Seokjin himself. “My mom, the court told her she can have me back now. So I’m going to go. I’m going to live with my mom again.” Seokjin is starting to cry too. Yoongi walks up to him, looking up - because it seemed like every one of his friends had started growing except him.

“She’ll just do it again. She’ll ignore you. She can’t be your mom anymore.” Yoongi pleads, though he’s well aware no one in the orphanage has any control over the situation. Yoongi is about to be the oldest again, and he’s ready to break under that pressure even if there isn’t anything all that awful inside of these walls anymore. “And what about me?” He whispers. “You promised.”

“I know, Yoongi.” Seokjin’s voice is raspy, he can’t keep the tears from coming. “I’m sorry.” He turns around again, zipping a small black luggage case - enough to hold all of his belongings - and rolls it towards the door past Yoongi.

“Why can’t I ever have anything?” Yoongi screams. “Why does everything good have to be taken from me?” He’s in hysterics, been on the edge of them since Jimin had told him that morning. _‘Seokjin hyung’s mom wants him to come back; she’s better now.’_ Better. That doesn’t happen. Parents you lost - don’t just get better. Yoongi can’t believe it, doesn’t want to believe it - because then what about _his_ parents? Why is _he_ so undeserving? When he turns around, he’s half expecting Seokjin to be standing in that archway looking back at him - as if to say, ‘No, damn it. I’m not going to leave. I’m not going to be like everybody else.’ But Seokjin _is_ like everybody else, and he’s not there. Yoongi’s hands are balled into fists, so tight his nails might make him bleed, his teeth gritting themselves down.

He runs out of the room, looks out the window that shows the front of the building where a small black car is parked on the side of the road. A beautiful - but exhausted and desperately thin - looking woman steps out and hugs Seokjin who’s bawling harder than Yoongi’s ever seen before - and he’s hugging her back. Yoongi can see Seokjin mouthing the word ‘mommy’ over and over. The woman is crying too, holding him tighter and stroking his head, as she’s mouthing something herself. Yoongi thinks he probably makes out the words ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ before he can’t take the jealousy anymore and turns away. He tries to convince himself a middle schooler calling for his mother like that is pathetic, that Seokjin’s being a baby, but Yoongi is too aware of the red burning inside him because of what he doesn’t have - will never have, but has been given to Seokjin with no effort on his part though Yoongi’s prayed every night that one day his mom or dad will find him and love him and be sorry for all he had to go through - and Yoongi would forgive them, wouldn’t he?

 

“Hey.” Namjoon shows up faster than Yoongi expected when he calls him, explaining that Seokjin has left and he’s not feeling well so could he just help somehow - _please_? Miss Watson lets the awkward boy in with a sad smile and gestures to Yoongi’s limp form on the couch. Yoongi doesn’t look up when Namjoon’s voice reaches his ears.

“What did I do, Namjoon?” He mumbles into the couch cushion. He doesn’t have to explain, for Namjoon to know well what he means. Namjoon knows better than anyone what he means, because he felt the same for a very long time. If he had seen Seokjin get his mom back just a few years ago, he might have reacted worse than Yoongi. But today, he’s got a lot more on his plate and a new way to see the world - the only thing holding him together some days.

“I don’t think it’s anything we’ve done, kiddo.” He sighs, and sits as close as possible to Yoongi’s head - who lifts it and rests it on Namjoon’s thighs.

“I’m older than you.” Yoongi grumbles.

“You’re not acting it.”

“Fuck you.”

“Good try. Swearing isn't the way to make me see you that way either.” Namjoon chuckles, leaning his head back to rest on the scratchy back of the living room couch. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Thought I already started.”

“Then I guess I’ll continue.” He reaches his hands into Yoongi’s hair - it’s grown out but trimmed properly enough thanks to Miss Watson’s fumbling over him in the mornings when he’s not even human enough to put on pants. Namjoon’s fingers are long and feel nice in his scalp, Yoongi sighs contently. Maybe Namjoon can be his new mom - or dad, that probably fits a bit better. Seokjin is his mom. Though he’s left, just like Yoongi’s real mom, what a surprise - except it is. He believed in Seokjin, believed he had finally found someone to stay with forever and now he’s here again. That’s what he gets. “I used to have a little brother.” Yoongi turns his face to look at Namjoon’s, and sees a tear sneak its way down the side of his face - just one, reluctant and much too telling.

“Used to?”

“Used to.” Namjoon’s frowning, staring nowhere in particular.

“What happened to him?”

“My family happened to him.”

“I thought you said you don’t have family.”

“Not after that, no.”

“Oh.” Yoongi bites his lip, thinks of whether he should press - because he’s really curious to find out more about Namjoon. It’s stupid since he’s older, but he looks up to Namjoon. He’s okay being alone, and he’s got a way to survive no matter what happens. He doesn’t need to depend on anyone for anything.

“I’m not a good person, Yoongi.” Namjoon sighs. Yoongi is about to protest when Namjoon cuts him off quickly. “I don’t think that has anything to do with the way my life panned out, but I know that much. I couldn’t protect my little brother, and when Jeongguk needed me most I pushed him onto someone else.”

“You did the right thing. Jeongguk needs-” Yoongi shuts up, appalled at himself for what he was about to say. He feels Namjoon’s thighs move under his head as he scoffs and laughs.

“A family. Is that what you were going to say?” Yoongi doesn’t have anything to say - Namjoon’s spot on. “Yeah, Yoongi. I know. I can’t be anyone’s family. You don’t have to feel bad.”

“What happened to your brother? Really.” Yoongi blurts out. He watches Namjoon’s eyes get distant, another tear crawl out on the other side and then another. He doesn’t mention it, just waits as long as needed. 

“Killed himself.” Namjoon says eventually, pauses to wipe at his eyes. “Suicide, I was surprised when you said it that time. A kid never really knows what that means but you - I heard it in the way the word slipped on your tongue. You understood every syllable, every letter.” Yoongi nods.

“My grandmother killed herself, and that’s when I got put in here. I made a friend - more like a big brother, and he killed himself too.” Yoongi is able to talk about it now. Mrs.Lee has made a lot of progress with him. “How old was your brother?” Yoongi knows it’s the saddest thing when someone so young can’t see a future to the point they won’t even attempt to see it. Seunghyun was only thirteen, so how old was Namjoon’s brother if he’s eleven now?

“Seven.” Namjoon smiles softly. “Such a smart kid.”

“Runs in the family then?” Yoongi smiles back, hoping to ease some of Namjoon’s pain.

“No.” Yoongi’s smile falls.

“What happened to your parents?” He’s afraid to hear the answer, Namjoon’s hinted at some strange things and so Yoongi has kind of come up with a headcanon where Namjoon killed his own parents in cold blood. 

“They’re still alive, and around. I live with them.” Namjoon says, hardened voice.

“Oh. You just don’t talk anymore?” Yoongi questions confusedly. 

“I wish they would both die.” Namjoon says, and then moves his legs to indicate he’s getting up. Yoongi sits up with him.

“What was your brother’s name?” Yoongi wants to remember him, even if they’ve never met - just like with Jeongguk back then. 

“Hansol.”

“I hope he’s happier now.” Yoongi offers as consolation.

“I’m sure he is.” Yoongi understands the full meaning of those words too. Namjoon is saying he might be happier dead too - and Yoongi can’t say he disagrees.

 

“Seokjin hyung hasn’t been riding Seunghyun’s bike to school anymore. Did they break up?” Hoseok questions Yoongi one day in class, who scowls at the mention of the boy’s name. They haven’t talked since he left the orphanage - Yoongi is too bitter right now and Seokjin feels too guilty.

“How should I know?” He grumbles.

“You guys are like best friends?” The bright boy continues to poke at him, unhappy at his friend’s recent gloomy demeanor.

“Yeah, well not anymore. You’re my best friend, anyway.” Yoongi says and puts his head down for a nap. He’s been having trouble sleeping with Seokjin gone.

“Oh, am I just a friend?” Hoseok teases. Yoongi is grateful his head is down at the moment, since he feels himself blush.

“Shut up, you know what I mean.” Hoseok laughs, and Yoongi smiles despite himself. He always feels better when Hoseok’s around.

Classes drag on and on, Yoongi doodles in his sketchbook while Hoseok takes down notes from the board - trying to keep his eyes open a little longer. The bell rings for lunch and they take off running, chasing each other to the snack line when Yoongi crashes into none other than his former best friend.

“Ah, sorry.” Seokjin mumbles - his head cast down, when he notices who he ran into. “Sorry.” He repeats and tries to walk away quickly with his head still pointed towards the floor. Yoongi grabs onto his elbow because something just doesn’t sit right in his stomach.

“It’s fine. Look at me.” He pulls on Seokjin’s arm, who’s trying to pull it away and run. “Hey, what’s wrong? Why won’t you let me see your face?” Hoseok is running back to where the two are struggling in the hallway.

“Seokjin hyung!” Hoseok shouts as he makes his way over. Seokjin looks up, out of instinct or maybe the desire to see someone smiling at him for once, and immediately regrets it.

“Seokjin.” Yoongi growls. “What the fuck happened to your face?”

“You shouldn’t swear,” Seokjin mumbles back and takes off running - breaking out of Yoongi’s grip in the distraction of his shock.

“Whoa, where did Seokjin hyung get those bruises?” Hoseok asks Yoongi in concern. Yoongi’s breath is still caught between his ribcage and his windpipe - refusing to come out. It can’t be. _Is his mom-?_ He steels himself, before turning to Hoseok.

“You can bet your ass I’m going to find out.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ; - ; if i don't make things sad i don't know how to live 
> 
> but uh, i'm sorry Vernon. you're not actually IN this fic, kinda. 
> 
> he will be mentioned again though, i love that boy hehe 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Please leave comments if you feel like it. i reply to all of them and read all of them and love all of them because
> 
> i love you :) 
> 
> HAPPY ALMOST VALENTINES DAY also BTS'S comeback fam we all bout to die up in here


	18. i'll remember nights alone, and waking up to dial tones (always found my greatest moments, in the sounds of your hello's)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon’s arms lift up, tighten around him, and his head sinks to Seokjin’s shoulders. “Please. Please don’t leave me.” 
> 
> “I got into a lot of trouble making that promise before. Made my bed feel awfully cold after I broke it.” Seokjin mumbles, his cheek smushed funnily against Namjoon. “I leave people too often. Even if it doesn’t seem like it’s my fault.” 
> 
> “I’ll follow. If they take you away from me, I’ll go. I’ll find you every time.” 
> 
> “Then maybe. Maybe I can stay this time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D :D :D :D :D I've been waiting to write this scene since I started this fic. I love Namjoon's character so much, which is why I will most likely be doing a spin off to go more in depth to his life - before, during and after the events in this fic. 
> 
> There's like two more chapters of this left now kiddos. Next chapter is a time lapse to high school. 
> 
> Enjoy~ 
> 
> Chapter Title from Oh, Calamity! by All Time Low

He doesn’t think about what he’s doing, for once in his damn life - he’s not thinking, and his fist flies straight into the older boy’s jaw. Namjoon knows he’s getting himself into trouble in worlds the other boys don’t even know exist, but Seokjin has this asshole’s mark on his cheek and he figures it’s only fair that he lose the fist that made it. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, RM?” The boy clutching the side of his face and scowling growls at him. “Are you trying to fall out with Gangnam street? You think you can take that on?” Namjoon spits at him, the fluid spraying on his target’s bottom lip. “You must have lost your fucking mind.” Suddenly Namjoon flies back into the boy’s locker room stone shower walls, breath leaving his lungs in a hurry - like how he should probably escape just as well if he doesn’t want to die in this shitty school. But, Namjoon has never really cared if he died or lived in the first place.

“You hit him.” Namjoon grits, composing himself as he hold his ribs together. He straightens himself out; he learned from the youngest age there is that weakness is worse than pain.

“And?” The maraschino cherry hair boy scoffs, smirking.

“You hit  _ him _ .” Namjoon yells as he runs forward, kicking him - his would-be future  _ boss _ \- in the stomach.

“I don’t like repeating myself. I really don’t.” The intimidating youth says back, wiping at his mouth from the saliva flying out of it between hits. It’s a stilted fight, because once upon a time Namjoon might have found some respect for this boy - and the boy knows as well as anyone on the dimmer streets of Seoul that Namjoon is the best there is in the business. “But, for RM, I suppose I can - just this once.” Namjoon flinches as he’s slammed back into the wall, this time with a hand gripping his thin neck and pushing him further in, he doesn’t let his eyes fall from the others. “” _ And _ ?” Namjoon tries to say something but there’s no air to supply him with enough effort to make any kind of coherent noise. “I should kill you. I would have, from the first hit, if I didn’t think it would be a waste of skill.” The hand crushing Namjoon’s windpipe lets up, prodding him to speak.

“I won’t work for you.”

“I think you will. Come on now, RM.  _ Namjoon _ . I’m  _ GD _ \- imagine the money you’ll be making.”

“Fuck the money! Fuck you!” Namjoon yells. GD backhands him; Namjoon’s cheek stings.  

“Now look what you’ve made me do.” GD wipes his hand on his pants, smiling mischievously. Namjoon hears the locker room door open, but already knows someone like GD - G-Dragon, the boss on every street in Korea, and planning to take off international - won’t care if it’s a student, a teacher, or a police officer himself.

“Jiyong hyung?” The voice Namjoon wished he had found first sounds through the abandoned locker room. He struggles against the delinquent, trying to reach the other.

“Over here, Ri-ah!” Jiyong smiles again, glancing at Namjoon from the side knowingly.

Seunghyun comes into Namjoon’s view, as his eyes darken ever more. He wants to rip out his throat with his own teeth.

“What are you doing, hyung?” Seunghyun’s voice loses volume, confidence, as though he would ever care about Namjoon.

“Settling a little argument, Ri. Why don't you come here and learn? You can see this side of the business. It’s important to make people fear you.” He turns to face Namjoon again, though the beaten boy is glaring directly at Seunghyun. “To keep roaches in their place.” He tightens his grip again, more than before, and Namjoon claws at the fingers - gasping.

“Hyung, let him go.” Seunghyun says softly, voice shaking. Jiyong snaps his neck to face the younger boy. 

“Why should I?” He narrows his eyes.

“I’ll explain. Just. Please, hyung. For me?” Seunghyun’s eyes plead. Namjoon is hit with a certain understanding of their relationship and his blood begins to boil - he struggles more. Jiyong lets go of him. Namjoon lunges at Seunghyun immediately, uppercutting him and watching him fall to the floor of the dirty showers. Jiyong doesn’t hold him back.

“You bastard.” Namjoon hisses. He kicks Seunghyun in the stomach again. “It was you! It has to be you! How could you fucking hit him?” Seunghyun is cowering in a ball on the floor. Jiyong leans on a row of lockers, picking at his nails unamused. “What do you have to  _ say _ for yourself?”

“I - I don’t know.” Seunghyun just barely says, nearly whispers. Namjoon can hear regret in his voice, but that’s not nearly enough to atone for the pain he caused Seokjin - because Namjoon knows it was more than just a hit to Seokjin, knows that he follows him and trusts him and  _ loves _ him.

“Yeah? You don’t even have a reason.  _ Ri _ .” He looks at Jiyong, who just looks flat out bored now. It’s Namjoon’s turn to scoff. “I can’t believe you.” Seunghyun starts to sit up, still drawing into himself in fear. “Always acting like I’m the worst kind of person, and now - what? You fall in love with the fucking devil? When you had Seokjin.  _ Have  _ Seokjin.” Namjoon shakes his head, frowning in pain. “He won’t blame you, you asshole. You  _ know _ that, don’t you?”

“I-”

“You  _ what _ ?” Namjoon roars, fists shaking at his sides. “Was it fun? Are you satisfied? Taking everything that’s ever been good in my life. Taking every reason I have to live from me. Are you fucking happy?” There’s spit flying everywhere, and hot tears flowing from his eyes.

“Hansol. Hansol - he wasn’t my fault. I didn’t-” Seunghyun is probably crying too, but his face is hidden in his knees. Namjoon loses it again. He pushes him to the ground, leaning over him and punches left and right as many times as he’s able through his sobs.

“You took my little brother. And then you had to take Jeongguk too. You fucking - I don’t. I don’t have  _ anything _ . I don’t have  _ anyone _ . You even took Seokjin. He  _ loves _ you, you bastard. He loves you. Why did you have to take him too? Why did you have to hurt him?” A door opens somewhere.

“Namjoon?” Seokjin’s voice, shaky and disbelieving. “What are you doing here? What’s going on?”

Namjoon gets up off Seunghyun, keeps his eyes down and head low. Fuck not showing weakness. He wants to fucking die. He’s wanted to since he found his little brother blue and lifeless in their broken bathtub, since he realized he couldn’t take care of anyone, since he couldn’t even save himself - so he embedded himself into the dirtiest empire to cope with his loneliness. He runs out of the room, brushing past Seokjin’s shoulder. He runs out of strength.

 

“Seunghyun? What’s happening?” Seokjin looks at his beaten face with wide eyes, keeps his back to the scary looking boy on the side though his shoulders shake.

“Let’s break up, Seokjin.” Seunghyun rasps out, not looking at him.

“ _ What _ ?”

“It’s done. We’re over.”

“But - but, why? I can-” Seokjin’s eyes search the tiles beneath him for the answers Seunghyun has to be looking for - there must be some way, some way he can be enough for someone. “Is this because I wouldn’t have sex with you? I can do it. We can do it now, if you want. I don’t care. I - “ Seokjin rambles, desperate.

“Seokjin.” Seunghyun stands, walks over to Jiyong. “I don’t love you.” Jiyong kisses Seunghyun’s temple softly, looking at Seokjin’s eyes.  _ Do you understand now? _ written in the look.

“But  _ why _ ?” Seokjin’s voice breaks into a sob, hysterical. “I love  _ you _ . Why can’t  _ you _ love  _ me _ ?” He wasn’t enough to make his mom better back then, when he’d feel an empty house was crowded enough with her insanity. He wasn’t strong enough for the children at the orphanage when Yoongi was in the hospital. He wasn’t enough, wasn’t ever enough for anyone.

“Seokjin. There’s someone that loves you more than you could ever know. But it can’t be me.” Seunghyun says, letting Jiyong’s arms wrap around his waist. “I’m sorry.”

“Why the fuck are you acting like this  _ now _ ?” Seokjin snaps. “You’ve treated me like shit for months, Seunghyun! I put up with it. But for what? How long have you been with  _ him _ ?” Seunghyun can’t find it in him to answer that. Seokjin laughs. “You love him enough to hit me for him, huh? Is that as far as your love can go?” He’s lashing out, finally letting everything take over. He’s being a child. “You loved me enough to put Namjoon down? Is that it? To keep away someone you didn’t like. Weren’t you just scared of him?” He’s raising his voice. “Because you  _ knew _ , you knew that Namjoon could be better for me than you ever could. You were afraid of losing me once. Or was it just that you didn’t want for it to be him?” He turns and leaves. He didn’t know why he had come down there in the first place. Maybe it had been to say all of that in the first place. 

 

He’s not looking ahead as he walks faster and faster, away from the mess back there, and the insecurities that have plagued him since he was much younger. He stumbles back as he hits something solid, looking up to see Namjoon staring at the floor with his hair in his face.

“Joon-ah.” He says.

“I love you.” Namjoon answers.    
  
Seokjin smiles, walks to the side to step in front of the taller boy. He walks into him again, puts his head against his chest and wraps his arms around. It feels impossibly warm, and comfortable, and maybe just a bit too right for him to think he’s been pushing it away all this time. “I know, Joon-ah. I know.” He whispers. 

Namjoon’s arms lift up, tighten around him, and his head sinks to Seokjin’s shoulders. “Please. Please don’t leave me.”

“I got into a lot of trouble making that promise before. Made my bed feel awfully cold after I broke it.” Seokjin mumbles, his cheek smushed funnily against Namjoon. “I leave people too often. Even if it doesn’t seem like it’s my fault.”

“I’ll follow. If they take you away from me, I’ll go. I’ll find you every time.”

“Then maybe. Maybe I can stay this time.”

 

It takes time for Seokjin to get over Seunghyun, who he makes up with to some extent in the end and even wishes luck in his relationship with Jiyong, who he finds out isn’t as bad as he initially thought - just that he’s like Namjoon, a fucked up life and only his own strength to rely on, except now he has Seunghyun so he jokes more and brings his boyfriend chocolate snacks and blushes when his boyfriend tells him he looks good. 

Namjoon still won’t talk to Seunghyun more than strictly necessary, but he goes over to his house often to see Jeongguk who’s ecstatic to see his unofficial big brother again. Seokjin comes with him, sometimes Yoongi too - to talk to Jihoon, of course - and things almost seem normal.

Still, Seokjin is wary. He opens up to his mom at home more, and lets himself find friends outside of the group he already established, and sometimes he lets Namjoon get closer than he really should - but he still feels like he’s not doing everything he can most of the time, like any moment something will change again.

Namjoon disappears from school more often, comes back with bruises and cuts and one time with both eyes covered in gauze. Seokjin pretends he isn’t worried about it, that he didn’t cry like Namjoon swears he saw him, and still changes the bandages those three weeks himself. After the time the doctors gave him is over, Namjoon can still see and Seokjin doesn’t pretend he doesn’t cry when Namjoon tells him “Of course, I wouldn’t go blind. How would I see your pretty face?”

It takes three months for Namjoon to invite him on a date, taking him to some foreign movie Seokjin falls asleep over halfway through, and the theater is kind of cold - but he doesn’t mind, because Namjoon holds his hand the entire time, and that makes him feel warmer than any blanket he’s ever had before. It takes four months for them to kiss, Namjoon accidentally splitting his bottom lip open on Seokjin’s front teeth, but the wait is well worth it and Seokjin thinks he probably can’t go a few hours without Namjoon swooping in for another after that.

Yoongi is happy to see the two of them together, especially when most of the time they come to the orphanage after school though he doesn’t appreciate them bugging him and Jimin with their mushy displays. Jimin blushes so much that Yoongi thinks he might get heatstroke from his own body heat, and he finds himself fake gagging more often than not. Though Seokjin always teases with “You and Hoseok probably kiss as often as we do.” Namjoon smirking right beside him. Yoongi always makes it a point to yell “That’s not any of your business.” And take Jimin out for ice cream or to Hoseok’s house, where it’s Yoongi’s turn to blush.

Life at the orphanage, and outside it, gets a lot more bearable. Especially when there’s always people around to help anyone that needs it - and lord knows, sometimes they really do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ; _ ; Namjin is finally together, I was waiting - anyone else? 
> 
> The thing about this fic is that every kid is fucked up for some fucked up reason so who can you really hate? 
> 
> Thank you for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting! I love you all


	19. i can take my clothes off (i cannot fall in love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s always been Hoseok, Hoseok, Hoseok, and now it’s clear that it isn’t the same on the other side of this street Yoongi had mistaken as two-way. So he decides to keep it to one-way, and moves so that he presses Hoseok back down onto his bed with the same pale palms - shaking now - and pulls his jeans and boxers down in one go, suddenly brave enough to have a cock in his face.
> 
> Chapter Title from The Frug by Rilo Kiley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh, if the Chapter Summary didn't make it clear enough - this chapter is literally a sad semi-smut scene. 
> 
> Also, I might have lied a little. There's gonna be a few more chapters than originally planned because I realized I didn't include certain things yet that I really wanted to. So whee? But it is wrapping up. The end is near, my friends. 
> 
> Another thing, I realized rereading a few of the previous chapters that though there were small time lapses, I didn't indicate it enough for anyone to actually know. Eek. So, in the last chapter Seokjin walks into the high school boy's locker rooms. That wasn't a mistake, it's just that there's nothing else in the chapter to indicate that Seokjin was actually already a freshman in that chapter. Basically, though the deterioration of Seokjin's and Seunghyun's relationship and the building of Seokjin and Namjoon's took a long time - I didn't do a great job of showing that. Seokjin suffered Seunghyun's neglect for nearly a year, starting to be mopey and irritated then finally ending when he got hit and Namjoon took care of it. I've failed as a writer in this aspect. My humble apologies... 
> 
> I do hope that keeping that in mind, things make more sense now though. This chapter is a bigger time lapse. Yoongi and Hoseok are high school sophomores. And well as for the rest, you'll have to see >:^)
> 
> Enjoy~

Yoongi knows a total of three things, looking down at his boyfriend’s tan torso on the bed they both decided to get on knowing full well his father wasn’t home and what that implies, Yoongi knows that whoever said when the time comes you would just know what to do - was wrong, he knows that he wants this more than anything right now but he’s scared as hell the feeling isn’t mutual, and he knows that he got hard entirely too fast to not be embarassing from some rough kissing and the reveal of firm skin. Hoseok’s eyes look at him, wide open and searching for a connection - Yoongi thinks he sees the same insecurities inside them and in a fucked way that makes him feel a bit better. He takes a deep breath, and leans down to kiss and suck on Hoseok’s toned stomach - god bless his dance classes - up towards his ribs, and pauses at his nipples. Yoongi has the vague, and maybe slightly ridiculous, thought that maybe this would come naturally if it was with a girl and immediately feels himself get irritated. _So fucking what?_ He declared himself a faggot for Hoseok all those years ago, with two other people in the room. What does sex have to say to him now? Other than - please get on with it! He can feel Hoseok practically vibrating in anticipation under his pale palms holding him down, like maybe he’d run away otherwise.

“Are you sure about this?” Yoongi whispers into Hoseok’s smooth chest, admiring the feeling of the warm skin against his lips just brushing by. He’s asked the same question before, and gotten answers that didn’t feel like answers at all. When he asked Hoseok to be his boyfriend the summer before their freshman year, the answer was ‘yeah, sure’. Just like that. Yoongi often felt like Hoseok didn’t understand the extent of Yoongi’s feelings for him, that he loved him - since the day they first met and that kick to his shin sealed his fate. Yoongi really just felt like Hoseok didn’t understand, period. Dating Hoseok changed nearly nothing at all. Perhaps the only significant difference being how they’ve split apart, taking different paths and having different friends and maybe there was a lot more kissing now but for the most part - it was all just the same.

A laugh, that warm chuckle that could be rewritten in Yoongi’s own being at this point at how many time he’s heard it and memorized it and _loved_ it. Hoseok’s laugh made Yoongi forget what made him so broken, forget that he _is_ broken. “I’ve told you, weeks ago. I’ve been ready for this since eighth grade.”

“Hey, that would have been weird. We were too young.” Yoongi chuckles back, hopes Hoseok keeps the sound of his laugh tucked away too - and just doesn’t show it.

“I guess.” Hoseok mumbles. “Come on, Yoongi. Or do you want me to lead?”

Yoongi doesn’t care who leads, doesn’t care if he’s the one being fucked or the one fucking because he loves Hoseok more than just petty rituals or ideals of masculinity he never had a firm grasp on in the first place. Still, something feels strange - maybe like he’s being rushed.

“Are you so eager?” He half-jokes, but he doesn’t know why the answer to this question feels so important to him before it’s even said. He doesn’t really know what he wants it to be, but he knows there’s a right answer and a wrong one.

“Fuck, yes.” Hoseok says, skillfully flipping them over and hanging overhead of Yoongi - a bit taller and with more muscle, and fired up. Hoseok might want this just as bad as Yoongi, but it’s not for the same reasons. He’s said the wrong answer. Yoongi feels the familiar tug in his heart, and lungs, and his bottom lip - threatening him to cry.

“Why?” Yoongi manages to question, a second chance - desperate and pleading ‘ _Please, please just tell me it’s because you love me._ ’

Hoseok looks baffled, his brows drawn together and his confident, sexy smile faltering to one of hesitation. “What do you mean, why? Because you’re fucking hot. Because we’ve wanted this for what feels like forever now. Right?”

Yoongi lets it go, because he just wants Hoseok to be happy. Because this is another part of a relationship, sex. It doesn’t have to be ‘making love’; Yoongi was just being naive. Even at sixteen, with hyungs that have graduated and all the different worlds he’s seen - he must still be a child, asking for love from someone with no real obligations to give it to him. So he smiles, and hopes the tears he thinks he feels in his eyes aren’t actually there, and pulls Hoseok down to kiss him hard and fast, and with so much passion and with all of _his_ love. He knows Hoseok probably doesn’t feel the last part.

The younger’s hands roam down instead of up, like Yoongi would have done - maybe because he was too afraid of the reality of what’s behind a pair of jeans between two boys - and land on Yoongi’s crotch, still shamelessly strained though his heart isn’t as in it. He doesn’t waste time, palming across the surface, Hoseok just unzips the front and reaches in, pulls them down so Yoongi feels naked even with his underwear still on. He covers his face with his hands, feeling the heat of the blush burning him up. He’s embarrassed, to the point it feels almost unbearable but Hoseok’s mouth dips to his hipbones and then in. His thighs tremble, beneath Hoseok’s large hands and hot breath and the promise of where his mouth is planning on going. For a second, Yoongi considers how Hoseok didn’t bother asking if this was still okay, like Yoongi would have done, too many times - to the point that Hoseok would have probably gotten irritated, and then all thought is gone because there’s an enveloping wet and solid heat around the tip of his cock and it feels so much better than his hand he’s used the years before. He whines before he even realizes his mouth is open, keens as Hoseok moves down experimentally and takes too much, gagging and pulling back up. Another chuckle, this one kind of sounds like it’s far away but Yoongi would still know it anywhere.

“More difficult than it looked in the videos.” Hoseok mutters, mostly to himself to ease his embarrassment for what he wasn’t able to do on the first try like he wanted. Yoongi looks down, at where Hoseok is considering how to take the next step, and lifts himself on his elbows. There’s a lot of differences between the two of them, almost literally the sun and moon - which makes a lot of sense to Yoongi, because he feels like he’s revolving around Hoseok every second of his existence though Hoseok has so many other planets to tend to - and though this difference is silly, it only serves to add to a list Yoongi’s mind is jotting down. Hoseok watches porn, has moaned to images other than Yoongi - and Yoongi, well he’s only ever used his imagination. It’s always been Hoseok’s lips, Hoseok’s hips snapping against him, always Hoseok’s name spilling from his lips as he came, trying to keep quiet in the boy’s bathroom at the orphanage. It’s always been Hoseok, Hoseok, _Hoseok_ , and now it’s clear that it isn’t the same on the other side of this street Yoongi had mistaken as two-way. So he decides to keep it to one-way, and moves so that he presses Hoseok back down onto his bed with the same pale palms - shaking now - and pulls his jeans and boxers down in one go, suddenly brave enough to have a cock in his face. He can feel Hoseok moan lowly, as well as hear it above him, as he takes Hoseok’s cock in his hand and pulls up softly, twisting gently at the head and digging into his slit. He watches Hoseok’s head loll back, his throat exposed and stretches up to nibble at it, moving his hand back down and then up his cock at just the right pace to make it nice but teasing.

“Do you want me to suck you off?” Yoongi asks, and it probably sounds kind of sexy with his new manly voice that kind of grates in the perfect way, but he’s really just asking what Hoseok wants. Because he’ll do anything for Hoseok, because he loves him.

“I kind of want you to fuck me,” Hoseok half-whispers, looking directly into Yoongi’s eyes with a smirk.

“Your dad will be home pretty soon. We can’t.” Yoongi quickens his pace, watching as Hoseok feels it and lets out a deep sigh of contentment.

“Come on, baby. You can do it fast.” Hoseok begs. Yoongi’s cock is mad at him, but the tears that had been gathering before are really close to spilling over all of a sudden, and Yoongi knows exactly why. Add it to the three things he knew before, as well as ‘Jung Hoseok does not love me.’ He called him _baby_ , for the first time ever he called him other than his name or some empty insult that was just meant as a tease - like friends tease each other, like _just_ friends say to each other. Yoongi holds in the sob, gathers the insane courage from before once more and leans down to suck on the tip of Hoseok’s cock. The taste of Hoseok’s precum is strange, unbearably salty and thick but Yoongi powers through and when he tries to go down further - he does. He doesn’t know whether he just doesn’t have a gag reflex, or if he got lucky and did it right the first time around but he takes the news in stride and quickly works himself down to the base of Hoseok’s cock. He feels the younger plant his fingers into his hair, tugging lightly, and moan louder and louder as Yoongi picks up speed. He can’t really breathe now, but the tears spilling down his cheeks aren’t because of that - though he’s grateful Hoseok will see it that way - he lets himself walk down this one-way street a little while longer. Just until Hoseok cums, and then it will all be over - maybe, even their friendship. Yoongi tries to let up, but Hoseok is already cumming and holding him down. Yoongi really can’t breathe now, and he starts to flail so Hoseok let's go hastily. Yoongi lets off Hoseok’s twitching cock, spending the last of Hoseok’s fluids onto his sheets - though most got in Yoongi’s mouth and is slightly dripping out of his nose. He coughs, violently, spitting cum all over the bed. The tears burn the fringes of his eyes, still streaming down the sides of his face alternatively.

“Shit, I’m sorry. Are you okay?” The concern in Hoseok’s voice is real, the regret also plain to see in his features. Yoongi isn’t mad, he could never be. He tries to laugh for Hoseok, tries to show him that it’s alright - but Yoongi only really feels like crying, so the sobs he was holding in before he sucked his first dick ever, come out. Hoseok reaches forward to hug Yoongi to him, the two looking ridiculous with cum sticky on Hoseok’s belly and down Yoongi’s neck. Both their boxers hanging stupidly at their knees, while Yoongi is still wearing his white t-shirt and Hoseok’s nipples perked up because of the fan swinging overhead. Yoongi went soft somewhere between the time he realized Hoseok didn’t care he couldn’t breathe and the flailing. “I’m so sorry, Yoongi. Are you hurt? Do you need water?” Hoseok starts to dote on him, holding Yoongi’s cheek to his chest and running his fingers through his hair comfortingly.

“Hoseok,” Yoongi whispers, hiding his face directly in the other’s soft skin - taking all he can with him before he leaves, “let’s break up.”

“Okay.” Yoongi pushes himself off the other, gets off the bed and puts his jeans on. He didn’t expect Hoseok to resist, or even ask why, he really didn’t - but it still hurts him all the more.

“So, why did you bother?” Yoongi takes his usual defensive maneuver. He pretends he doesn’t know how to feel, pretends he’s objective about his own despair.

“What are you talking about?” Hoseok sounds upset, looks downtrodden as he slowly puts his own clothes back on and starts to take the sheets off the mattress.

“I’m talking about us, and me, and -” he gestures at the bed, “ _this_.” His voice rises, and so much for sounding unfeeling because he just sounds pissed the fuck off. “What, you just wanted to use me as the first fuck? Or did you actually fuck someone before me, and I just didn’t know?”

“What the _hell_ are you talking about?” Hoseok screams, not yells but screams, like he’s the one that’s been pushed to the edge all this while. Yoongi’s never noticed how tired he looks. “Why don’t you ever tell anyone anything, Yoongi? Why do you keep it all inside so it can destroy you?”

“This isn’t about _me_ . Don’t fucking analyze me. I get enough of that in my life already.” Yoongi spits back. He’s sure Mr.Jung will be home any second now, but this really can’t wait. “I never said it, but you must have known. You must know that a relationship means a lot to me. I’m a fucking orphan, Hoseok. I’ve never had anybody and I thought, I _thought_ I finally had you - at least. I thought you could love me, as much as I love you.” Hoseok’s face falls, his eyebrows nearly collapsing onto his eyes.

“Did you ever once ask me?” Hoseok says, steady, like he’s trying not to lose control. 

“What?” Yoongi laughs. “Would you have said yes? Would you have told me you loved me?”

Hoseok suddenly lunges forward, punching Yoongi in the right side of his face. Yoongi holds his hand to it, in shock, and then looks up. Hoseok is crying, standing there with legs that look like they could give out for all the strength he’s built in them with those dance lessons. “No, Yoongi. But I could have told you that I can’t figure out what love is.” And suddenly Hoseok begins to sob, falling back onto his bed and holding his face in his hands. Yoongi approaches him as though he’s a bear, sits by him reluctantly and puts a hand on his. 

“What are you talking about?” Yoongi asks, soft - not wanting to light the fuse again.

“I’ve never been able to fucking relate to any of those romantic comedies, or Namjoon and Seokjin who might as well be Romeo and Juliet reincarnated. I can’t even imagine what it feels like to want to like someone like that, because I don’t know what it feels like to like someone like that. I don’t want love or affection. I’m happy just having friends. I’m interested in having sex, and you’re my _best_ friend. I figured you would understand.” Hoseok continues to bawl through his explanation, and Yoongi remembers the first time Hoseok ever told him he liked him. In his bed, all those years ago when Yoongi wasn’t able to protect him the day he needed it most. _I don’t know what it feels like to like someone. But maybe, I like you too._

“But you’re my _boyfriend_ , Hoseok. Why did you say yes to me, if you knew you didn’t feel that way?”

“Because, it’s you. It’s you, Yoongi. And for all the world, though I don’t know what it’s like to like someone. I’m sure if I did, I would like you.” Hoseok squeezes the hand on top of his, but Yoongi pulls it away.

“Then isn’t that liking me? Isn’t that love?” Yoongi already knows that he’s being an asshole, selfish as anyone ever could be when Hoseok can’t figure himself out and has been scared all this time, but he can’t stop himself. Maybe there’s a tiny percentage of a chance somewhere in there, he can’t just let it go.

“You don’t get it.” Hoseok whispers, his eyes closing. “I’m not normal. What kind of person doesn’t know what love is?”

 

He nearly barrels down the door running into the orphanage that night, breathing hard and looking around, shouting “Seokjin! I need to talk to you!” He swings the door of the boy’s bedrooms open, and lifts his head, opening his eyes to find Seokjin, but he’s not alone. With him is a familiar face, though gone for a little over two months now and looking haggard and frankly scary. His eyes widen.

“Namjoon.”

The younger boy, who detached himself from all of their lives - mainly Seokjin’s, which Yoongi doesn’t know if he’ll ever forgive him for - stands in the room, with two missing fingers and a deep scar on his right cheek. “Hey, Yoongs. Long time no see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT HAPPENED TO NAMJOON!? Right? 
> 
> It's a doozy, but it's not as bad as you might think. I told you guys, the really bad angst is already over. 
> 
> Thank you for waiting, reading, leaving kudos, and commenting!
> 
> SPEAKING OF LEAVING KUDOS! Over 200 kudos, guys!? I legit teared up when I saw those numbers. Thank you so so so much! I am so grateful for everyone that enjoys this fic, and takes the time to show it.


	20. by the morning light, we'll be halfway to anywhere (where love is more than just your name)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Now get outta here. You two make me sick.” Yoongi waves them out the door, into the cool night air. A taxi is already parked outside, and speeds off as soon as they’re inside - Namjoon slipping the driver a little extra. Yoongi watches the cab disappear, wiping a stray tear and smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks out* Hullo! I wanted to update really soon, and this happened. I... might be able to say this is my favorite chapter of this fic so far. It's just the right amount of sweet, angsty, and revealing. I hope you all think so too. 
> 
> Actually I really got motivation and inspiration to write this from some comments I received today on the previous chapter. I write for myself, but I am so happy to know that you guys enjoy it this much. It's kind of unbelievable to me. I really love you and am so grateful to you all. 
> 
> Enjoy~ 
> 
> Chapter Title from Anywhere by Evanescence

_ “What are you doing with a high school kid?” Youngbae scoffs at Jiyong. They’ve been together far longer than that Seunghyun punk, and though Youngbae doesn’t bat for that team so to speak - he isn’t happy that Jiyong bats for  _ **_him_ ** _ , specifically. He doesn’t know the guy well, really he only knows two things. One, he’s heard about ‘the cutest thing he did today’ too many times on corners meant for abandoning feelings like love, and cruelty beyond comparison from his fucking  _ **_boss_ ** _. Two, the kid is the son of a cop - and if Jiyong doesn’t see that as a reason to get the fuck away, then he’s hopeless. Well, Youngbae probably knows that Jiyong really is hopeless when it comes to things like that. Twenty years old, graduated two years ago and yet still following that ass-kisser. Youngbae longs for the days of bone crushing, soul breaking discipline Jiyong gave out like candy from an old man to his grandchildren. Instead he’s had to settle for him sending ‘his people’ - meaning him, as his right hand man, of course - to take care of things as they come.  _

_ Tonight something came, smacked them right in the fucking face before they knew it was ever approaching - someone, really. Someone known as RM, the man who keeps getting away. Youngbae wouldn’t call him a man, but then he and Jiyong are the only ones who’ve ever seen him in person. A man would be way too much to say, as of now he’s still only fourteen and though he dropped out of high school a few weeks ago - Youngbae keeps tabs, and Jiyong heard when Seunghyun noticed the absence - he shows fear he doesn’t know is even there in those big eyes of his. Youngbae respects RM, anyone who can make such a big name for themselves on these unfeeling streets at his age obviously has some balls and probably a traumatic past to match it. Youngbae doesn’t have anything like that, he just likes the lifestyle - and the money helps. Jiyong fell in right after him, but he has the past to match and Youngbae, as his childhood friend, knows all about it firsthand. He helped kill the bitch in the end anyway, Jiyong’s proof he could roll with the big guys, written in his own family’s blood - but neither of them would have ever called what Jiyong had a family to begin with. _

_ So something came up; RM disappeared for a few days and if Youngbae wasn’t the best in the circle at tracking - then he might have been gone for good. Luckily, he’s about to catch him before he ever gets out of this town. He knows RM is gay too, and Youngbae really couldn’t care less but he also knows that being sweet on  _ **_anyone_ ** _ in this business doesn’t end well for either party, so he kept tabs on the pretty boy too. Seokjin, foster kid a good chunk of his life, it made sense. A lot more sense than a cop and the rising lead of South Korea’s largest and most successful gang. _

_ He hears a soft “Oh, shit.” A scuffling of feet turning in the opposite direction, but honestly he believes RM already knows how many different guns Youngbae brought along - the three on his person alone. He waits, because having the guy within a fifty foot radius is enough to know he’s won. _

_ “Namjoon.” Jiyong stubs out his cigarette on the hood of Youngbae’s brand new yellow Mazerati- a little flashy sure, but girls love it - and Youngbae has half a mind to cut off  _ **_his_ ** _ fingers instead of their target’s. The running stops, abruptly, and he can almost hear the amount of agony in the sounds of the footsteps back, towards them. He glances at Jiyong, who doesn’t look too happy. He’s sure Jiyong doesn’t want to do this, maybe sees the kid as a pleasant acquaintance he’s made and it’s not like Youngbae has a real reason to induce the pain he’s about to put the kid through but it’s orders and procedure and that’s plenty of reason for him. That’s the rule of this world, and all of three of them knew it coming in. _

_ “Long time no see, scumbag.” Namjoon says to Jiyong, but all the bite has left him. It’s all just appearances now, trying not to show weakness in his what-could-be final moments. _

_ “Well,  _ **_you_ ** _ can say that.” Jiyong smirks, the courtesy of letting Namjoon think he’s going out in a blaze of glory and not some mercy killing. There’s only one way of him getting out of here tonight, and both Jiyong and Youngbae doubt he’ll take it. _

_ “What are you talking about?” Youngbae can hear the slight tremor in Namjoon’s voice. He can see his breathing is uneven, and his hands are shaking clenched at his sides. _

_ “Bae’s kept an eye on you. You can’t honestly think I’m that disorganized?” Jiyong looks away as he says it. Only Youngbae knows but Jiyong’s been thinking of his own way out lately, stupid plans to run away as soon as Seunghyun graduates, and if he wasn’t his best friend - nearly a brother - he would have turned on him already. The empire won’t fall without Jiyong, but Jiyong will fall without his empire.  And for Namjoon? Everything could fall, with or without him. _

_ “If you touch a hair on his head, I swear to God I’ll kill you. I’ll fucking kill all of you!” Namjoon screams, nostrils flaring. The rage is real, but the fear is more present than ever - the threat of taking away the most precious thing he has left gripping his heart. _

_ “You don’t even believe in God.” Jiyong plays along a little more. Youngbae sighs, straightens up and faces Namjoon directly. _

_ “Listen, you already know how this works really. You can’t get out. You die, or you prove your loyalty again.” It’s like explaining the rules of Go Fish. No emotion, no remorse. Youngbae probably should have been leader, he joined before Jiyong anyway - but he doesn’t like bossing people around, too much work. _

_ “Why is there no other way?” Namjoon asks. Youngbae is taken aback. He  _ **_knows_ ** _ the answer; why did he bother asking? There’s no way out. There’s never been a way out. No one can afford it. Not if they sold the purest coke in the world. Jiyong’s mask crumbles as he watches Namjoon fall on his knees, drag himself over to their feet prostrating himself before them. Jiyong looks like he could cry, watching Kim Namjoon - RM, the ruthless kid, the genius, the man who almost got away - kissing his feet, and crying. Youngbae didn’t know what desperation was until tonight, had never seen someone break this far. Usually there was an exhilaration, but this time there was only a lump in his throat. “Tell me. Please, tell me how to get out.”  _

_ Jiyong kicks his heel, blade slipping out of the leather sole and slicing Namjoon’s face down his cheek. The blood flows generously, mingling with the tears pouring from the boy’s eyes. “Pathetic. Who’d even want someone like you?” _

_ Youngbae snaps his head to Jiyong, facing the other way, towards the Mazerati parked under the bridge. “Jiyong. What are you-” _

_ “Middle one, on the left.” Youngbae knows how to follow these types of orders. You don’t think about it, not until you’re already back in whatever shithole you manage to call home. He walks over to Namjoon, before he even realizes what’s happening Youngbae stamps down his hand. Namjoon wails, the sounds of bones cracking - knuckles popping. He takes the blade from his waistband, holds it right above Namjoon’s middle finger and slams it down full force. Neither Namjoon’s scream nor the chunky sound of the finger disconnecting is pretty. Youngbae looks at Jiyong for the next orders, but the leader is already closer to them. He looks down at Namjoon as though he were a bug, but Youngbae sees something else in those eyes. He can hardly believe it. “Kim Namjoon.” Jiyong hisses. _

_ The boy whimpers, Youngbae’s foot still on his hand. _

_ “You will prove yourself, to me, to Bae and to the only family you’ve ever had.” Jiyong’s voice is like the cold steel of Youngbae’s blade. _

_ “Please, no. I can’t. What can I do? What do you want me to do?” Namjoon is sobbing, snot running down his pallid face with the blood starting to collect around the wound. _

_ “You have to kill him, Namjoon. To be RM, you can’t have  _ **_him_ ** _.” _

_ Namjoon breaks more - if you could ever see the same man again, Youngbae would tell you you’re lying - starts to babble incoherently. Pleas of things he’d be willing to do, to give, anything but that. Anything but him. _

_ “ _ **_Please, he’s all I have.”_ **

_ Jiyong squats down, reaches a hand out to stroke Namjoon’s face and smiles. “I know.” He looks up at Youngbae, the feeling his friend had seen in his eyes spreading and more apparent. “Ring finger, right hand.” A sigh. “I don’t think he’ll need it anymore.” What Namjoon has to give, not to  _ **_them_ ** _ or to Youngbae but to him, to Jiyong. _

_ The blade comes down above the finger, another clean cut, a promise meant for someone else given away. _

_ “Please.” Namjoon whispers, after the second scream. _

_ “You can stop begging, Namjoon.” Jiyong lights up another cigarette. “You’ve paid  _ **_my_ ** _ price. Now it’s up to you to pay the other’s. You’ll be back here in three hours with his head.” He takes a drag, lets out a cloud of smoke. Youngbae lifts his foot and walks to the Mazerati, cleaning the blade on his jeans. “Or no one in South Korea will ever hear from you again.” _

 

“I’m sorry, Yoongi.” Seokjin whispers. It’s dark in the orphanage now. The three of them have been hiding out until everyone settled in, using a spare bedroom they reserved mostly for extra supplies with the lack of new residents and the graduation of older ones, like Daesung. 

“Don’t you think you say that too often?” Yoongi smiles, nostalgic.

“Probably.” Seokjin laughs softly, holding onto Namjoon’s wrist behind him. They’re going to see a ‘live-in’ doctor in Namjoon’s neighborhood, before getting all of the money Namjoon’s stowed away in cash along with his fake documentation and passport and taking the first flight out of South Korea. It could be Abu Dhabi for all they cared, they just needed out before time was up. Seokjin has a hastily thrown together bag of clothes, photos, allowances and his own fake documentation - made by Namjoon, the first few months they started dating precisely for a day like this. He doesn’t let go of Namjoon’s wrist, too afraid someone’s gonna barge in and take him in the second they’re not connected, as he pulls Yoongi in for a hug. The bastard is a lot taller than him now, with broader shoulders and a prettier face.

“Did you say anything to your mom?” Yoongi asks.

“No. How can I? It would risk ruining all of this.” Seokjin frowns. He’s grown closer to his mother in the past years, making up for lost time and lost love. Yoongi knows it’s going to be hard on both of them but he promised to check in on her when Seokjin’s gone.

“I hate to do this guys, but we really have to leave.  _ Right now _ .” His voice is hoarse, and his face looks awful, and Yoongi wonders how Namjoon is able to stay conscious - let alone as alert and paranoid as he is.

“You take care of him.” Yoongi pats Namjoon on the back, then gives him a quick hug. “He looks good in white, but if you can find a soft pink for the dress-”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to do anything about weddings, kiddo.” Namjoon holds up his right hand.

“Psh, who needs an actual ring? Besides, who decided it had to be that finger?” Yoongi complains. “And I’m older than you! Even if you are graduating even earlier than any of us expected. Even convincing Jin to do the same, the nerve.” Yoongi’s gummy smile is shining through the tears gathering in his waterline.

“Graduated? Is that what they call dropping out nowadays?” Namjoon smiles back slyly.

“Ya! You both just graduated. Now you’re going to study abroad. Send postcards.”

“We won’t be able to do-” Seokjin frowns.

“It was a joke, Jinnie.” Yoongi cuts him off. “Hey, remember the guy who cried into your neck in the dorm bed when we were younger, will ya?” 

“Forever, Yoongi. Forever.” Yoongi watches Seokjin let out a tear as he hugs him again, tighter. “Take care of Hoseok.”

“Ah, I -” Yoongi rubs at his neck. “We broke up.” The look on Seokjin’s face is enough for Yoongi. “It’s okay. I think - I think we’re both gonna be okay. We’ll stay friends. I’ll take care of him.”

“Oh. Okay.” Seokjin says awkwardly. Namjoon tugs his arm, warning with his eyes.

“Now get outta here. You two make me sick.” Yoongi waves them out the door, into the cool night air. A taxi is already parked outside, and speeds off as soon as they’re inside - Namjoon slipping the driver a little extra. Yoongi watches the cab disappear, wiping a stray tear and smiling.

“Hyung?” He hears behind him. A comforting, soft and sleepy voice he’s heard in these kinds of situations before. He turns as if it was just another night like that.

“Jiminie, we have school tomorrow. I know you’re nearly in high school and all, but you still need a lot more sleep than I do. Especially with a face like that.” He pinches Jimin’s cheeks, closing the front door behind him.

He waits for a retort that doesn’t come, only a tilt of the head with droopy eyes. “Hyung. Why are you crying?”

“Ah, I got dumped tonight, Jiminie. If we were older, we’d be drinking right now.” He laughs. Jimin frowns and carefully takes Yoongi’s hand.

“You can sleep with me tonight, if you want.” He mumbles, rubbing at his eyes and yawning. Suddenly, Yoongi feels exhausted.

“Yeah, I think that’d be nice.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sobs* I HOPE THOSE TWO LIVE VERY HAPPY MARRIED INTERNATIONAL LIVES TOGETHER
> 
>  
> 
> also... ya'll see that Yoonmin at the end? You saw it in the tags didntcha? Did you really think it wasn't gonna happen? Come on now. I am such Yoonmin trash. (Though god do I love Yoonseok)
> 
> Thank you for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting! *JHope voice* "I - love - you *kisses camera*"


	21. but there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark (you should know you're beautiful just the way you are)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoongi is glaring at the mirror now, hating himself for what he can’t confront others about. He has his own demons, he doesn’t know how to get Jimin out of his. 
> 
> “He’s not trying to kill himself.” Taehyung sounds solemn, thoughtful but very sad. “But he’s not doing any good for himself.” 
> 
> “Stop him. Please. He listens to you.” Yoongi tries. 
> 
> Taehyung scoffs, laughing slightly. “If he won’t listen to you - he won’t listen to anyone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead! Three day weekend so I decided I was gonna udpate, mcfreaking finally! I'm graduating in less than 20 days guys. I'm so excited. That also means some free time before uni! MORE FIC UPDATES WHEEEEE 
> 
> I like this chapter. It's not as profound as others but it shows a lot of progress, timeline wise and character wise. Especially character relationships. A few new characters introduced, more on those later. 
> 
> I missed you! Enjoy~ 
> 
> Chapter Title from Scars to Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara

Yoongi wakes up in the middle of the night, again - the fourth time this week and it shows under his eyes every morning, and maybe in the grumpy way he’s been behaving lately though he claims it’s because it’s his senior year and he can’t be bothered to care about anything, and hears what sounds like short, little gasps coming from the bathroom door with a light on underneath. He glances around the room, his eyes already adjusted to the shadows falling over the boy’s bedroom enough to make out Jisoo in the bed directly across him sleeping like the angel he’s always been since he step foot in the orphanage, and what a day that was. The idea of a young man coming in, but not being an orphan - it nearly broke Yoongi in two. Jisoo, Miss Watson’s nephew freshly moved to Seoul from California - a foreigner, even more amazing - reminds Yoongi of Seokjin, who he misses often but leaves a smile for the thought that he’s with someone he loves more than anything, and it’s mutual. Not everyone can be so lucky. 

He swings his legs out of his cozy cocoon, and shivers at the air conditioned air hitting his thin, pale legs - something he’s become sort of proud of lately, in a weird way. He’s not that arrogant, but he’d just like to say that his legs look as good as Momo’s and no one can honestly say otherwise. He stumbles to his feet, rubbing at his eyelids and yawning. He walks to Daesung’s old bed, the boy graduated two years ago and doing quite well in college last time they heard from him, and sees a familiar scene. Inside the blankets are two forms, wrapped around each other, and Yoongi smiles. Wonwoo just can’t seem to keep himself out of Mingyu’s bed, and Yoongi can see it every day in his eyes - the words Wonwoo hasn’t said, out of a fear Yoongi doesn’t understand because there’s no way in hell Mingyu doesn’t love him back, but they’ve talked about it and Wonwoo is too scared to come out and risk the greatest friendship he’s ever had - he’s waiting for the day happiness wins again, because it’s been doing that a lot more often lately. He doesn’t even think about when’s the next time things will go wrong again anymore. Wonwoo mumbles something in his sleep and snuggles deeper into Mingyu’s chest, to which the taller boy’s arms tighten around his best friend and he lets a sleepy smile grace his face. Yoongi almost throws up, in the best possible way.

Seungkwan whimpers on Yoongi’s right side, nightmares again - Yoongi relates much too well, being able to look at him now in his tired but awake state. He reaches out his hand to stroke the younger boy’s hair, but pulls back before he commits grimacing. It’s not really his place. Maybe he should wake up Jisoo, but Seungkwan isn’t awake and Yoongi will make sure to talk with him in the morning.

He sighs lightly, and walks back to face his own bottom bunk. He glances up, at Jimin’s bunk above him and smiles lightly. The two grew closer than ever when Seokjin left, and tease each other with the freest of insults. Yoongi calls him ugly at least three times a day, he’s sure. Jimin doesn’t need to hear how much Yoongi stares at his cute cheeks and quickly growing - tightening - body when Jimin’s not aware, Yoongi’s sure he knows he doesn’t mean what he says in those biting words he throws. Jimin’s smile haunts the back of his eyelids at all hours of the day after all, a smile Yoongi is usually the cause of. He doesn’t know what exactly comes over him, well sure he can identify the sudden impulse to pinch at the boy’s cheeks or ruffle his hair in his sleep but he’ll never admit it fully to himself, and climbs halfway up the bunk ladder to expect his eyes to fall upon Jimin - but the bed is empty, and not even neatly made like Jimin never forgets to do when he leaves. Something in Yoongi’s stomach turns, if only for a second, a familiar feeling washes over him. The anxiety is rising, threatening to drown him again though it’s been months since he’s felt like breathing was a luxury. He jumps down off the ladder, snaps his head around to look at the bathroom light and takes three quick strides to the door.

He knocks lightly, whispering into the wooden door, “Jiminie?” No response. His stomach turns more, head swimming. He puts his hand on the doorknob, ignoring the shaking of his long fingers - he’s picked up piano, Jimin said he’d probably be good at it one night they compared hand sizes and the idea stuck. Jimin was right; Yoongi was pretty good. He takes a breath and turns, the handle giving to his motion and opening the door slightly. The next breath is one of needed relief. Air fills his lungs in waves, welcomed by his shaken mind. “Jiminie. What the hell are you doing up?” His eyes are still focused on the door, for a moment, until he hears another gasp and then looks at the boy crouched on his hands and knees on the bathroom tile. Yoongi closes the door immediately behind him, and rushes over. “What is it?” Another gasp, like all the air that Yoongi was suddenly rewarded with was actually taken directly from Jimin’s lungs.  _ Take it back. _

Jimin’s face is turned away from Yoongi’s, the elder watches as he lifts a hand to wipe at his face before he turns to him. His eyes are pin pricked with large, watery tears and his hairline and neck is covered with sweat. He looks sick. Yoongi’s eyes widen, he rubs a hand across Jimin’s back as the younger stares into the toilet bowl once more.

“Do you want me to call Miss Watson?” Yoongi murmurs, all soothing voice and river tone even with his gravelly new voice. Jimin shakes his head, shoulders slumped. Yoongi’s other hand runs through Jimin’s wet hair, he tuts like a mother. “Jiminie, you’re not supposed to get sick. Not very fun.” Jimin nods slightly, then falls forward a bit more. Yoongi waits for the gagging, but it doesn’t come. Jimin’s shoulders shake. He’s crying. Before Yoongi can think to act on anything, Jimin swiftly turns and throws himself into the other’s arms, a sob wrecking his throat into Yoongi’s night tee. Jimin’s fingers dig tightly into Yoongi’s arms and the older wraps them tightly around the other’s torso, pressing his face to his soft hair. He tries to ignore the intimacy, tells himself as he always does that he’s like this with all the orphans, and still sees a glimpse of Seokjin and Namjoon all those years ago, wrapped in each other on the couch. It doesn’t matter. Jimin’s not feeling well, what is he supposed to do?

“Hyung.” Jimin’s voice is as shaky as his body, that Yoongi can feel the tremors of like the ground under his feet during an earthquake. It’s shaking Yoongi up as well, though in a different way. Last year Chan caught pneumonia, he doesn’t want to think of what this could be. Jimin looks like death.  _ No, don’t use that word.  _ “Sleep with me, hyung.” Yoongi hums in affirmation, starts to stand up and pull him with, but Jimin holds still suddenly. “Hyung.” Yoongi hums again, in question this time. “Don’t tell Jisoo.”

“Ya- you enter tenth grade weight training, and suddenly you’re invincible? Get help before it’s too late, dumbass.” Yoongi lightly punches Jimin’s arm, but falters at how Jimin sways at the impact - though it’s probably just part of the joke. He sighs, picks Jimin up off the floor and turns out the light as he opens the door with his free hand. “You’re sleeping on the bottom bunk tonight, Jiminie. Embrace how short you are, see the world from your natural level.” He tries to joke. Jimin’s breathing is laboured against his shoulder as his head lolls. He all but throws him down on his bed, rolling him slightly to climb in right next to him. He presses his forehead to the younger’s, noting there’s no fever. “I’ll kick your ass for taking up my time like this when you’re better.” He thinks he hears Jimin mutter something, before he falls asleep in the warmth of Jimin’s body pressed to his.

 

“Yoongi hyung!” Taehyung screams as soon as the older sets his cafeteria tray down at their table. He glares at the ball of energy, his loud voice not helping with the headache pounding since first period. 

“What? What is it today, Tae?” Yoongi grumbles.

“Look!” Yoongi can see out of the corner of his drooping eyes, a paper in Taehyung’s hands held tightly.

“Did you finally pass a geometry test?” Yoongi smirks. Taehyung hits his arm and pouts.

“No! It’s a letter!” His voice is still entirely too loud, Yoongi isn’t really paying attention as he moves food around on his plate for a few seconds before settling on just opening his milk for the time being. Chewing seems like it’d hurt.

“Did the mothership finally contact you?”

“You’re so mean when you’re tired, hyung.” Taehyung sighs. He goes quiet for a second as the other members of their usual lunch table make their way over and sit down. Jeonghan whispers with Seungcheol about outfit coordination for homecoming, as the latter just tries to get his boyfriend to listen to his basketball practice stories. “If Jimin was here, you’d always be in a good mood.”

“He’d only make things worse.” Yoongi murmurs as he glances over at Nayeon sitting next to Taehyung, trying to get his attention about some new makeup product she bought. The cafeteria is too busy. He wants to graduate, right now.

“Yeah, okay hyung.” Taehyung says after he gives Nayeon a smile about the new highlighter, promising her he’d let her try it out on him next week. “Anyway, the letter’s not for me. I’m just one of the many middle men.”

“Who’s it for?” Yoongi feigns interest as best he can. 

“Jeonggukie!” Taehyung yells with a bright smile.  _ And he thinks I’m a fool? He looks like his entire being cracks when Jeongguk is brought up.  _ Yoongi attempts to take a bite of the bread he bought for lunch, and fails. He’ll take it to class for later, maybe give it to Jimin when he gets home - red bean is his favorite.

“Are you finally going to tell him Dahyun isn’t interested, since he doesn’t even make eye contact?”

“Hyung! Jeonggukie isn’t that bad with girls, he’ll win her over in no time.”

“Whatever. Who’s it from?” He starts to pull out his notebook, set on looking over some lyrics he thought up last night.

“You know, you could really make a lot of  _ Monie _ if you sell one of your songs.” Taehyung says, entirely too close to his ear. Yoongi pushes him away.

“Yeah, well hell will freeze over before I make it big.”

“Hyung. Don’t you like  _ Mo-nie _ ?” Taehyung emphasizes again.  _ Oh _ .  _ Oh, shit _ . Yoongi pulls out his phone, and looks at the screen as though he’s in a hurry.

“Yeah. Anyway, I have to go meet Hoseok. One of the girls in dance is beating him with her shoes again.” He stands from the table, making eye contact with Taehyung.

“Okay, hyung! I’ll see you later.” Taehyung waves enthusiastically, turning back to Nayeon to ask about geometry homework. Yoongi hightails it to the boy’s bathroom, checking every stall for students before he sends Taehyung the message. It takes three minutes for the two to meet again. “Man, now I see why no one uses this bathroom.” Taehyung says with eyebrows raised, holding his nose.

“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, how do you know?” Yoongi lowers his voice.

“Mom left it on my desk this morning, said it just dropped on top of our newspaper. She thought it was a love letter, thank god. But look, it’s the same handwriting as two years ago.” He points at the neat handwriting on the very front, saying only “To Jeongguk”. No wonder she thought it was a love letter, the handwriting looks almost like a girl’s.

“Seokjin.” Yoongi smiles wryly. Taehyung grins back with his box smile, nodding. “They’re still together.”

“How wouldn’t they be?” Taehyung laughs. “Namjoonie was ready to die for Seokjin hyung.” Yoongi hits him on the back of the head. 

“Shh, don’t use his name.” He grits his teeth. 

“But you checked to make sure no one’s here.” Taehyung pouts, rubbing at his head.

“Can never be too sure, Tae. They left for a reason.” He turns the envelope over and over in his hands. Finally, he chuckles. “Of course, it  _ would _ take him three months to send some kind of cryptic ass note only saying to wait for the next one whenever. Two years. I’m surprised I didn’t forget.”

“Well you almost did. I thought you wouldn’t get the code name.” Taehyung mumbles, taking the envelope back. “Why did he address it to Jeonggukie though?”

“He suddenly disappeared one day, no explanation or anything. Closest thing to family that kid had before the Lees, he must have some kind of resentment by now.” Yoongi leans back on the wall, looking at himself in the mirror. He looks more tired than ever. He found Jimin throwing up again the other night, the sweat dripped all the way down his back.  _ What is that kid doing to get himself so sick? Takes weight training way too seriously. I should actually kick his ass.  _ He scowls. “Tae.”

“Yeah?” Taehyung looks up from the writing on the paper, eyes wide with inquiry. Yoongi doesn’t usually use his nickname. That’s Jimin’s job, Naeyeon’s, Jeonghan’s or Seungcheol’s, hell even Hoseok’s. Yoongi’s always called him Taehyung, except when Chan fell sick with Miss Watson and Jisoo in America for the week and he called him begging to speak to his mother. He might be about to beg now.

“He tells you everything.” Yoongi says, looking Taehyung in the eyes. He knows the other already knows what he’s talking about from the quick flash of expression before he’s back to acting.  _ Theatre kid for only two years, but with more awards than the seniors. Damn his acting, it’s too good to make sense of him. _

“Who?” Taehyung cocks his head. He’s not trying now, edging Yoongi instead.

“Tae, please.” Yoongi is already practically begging, for his recent disposition this is a rare sight to see.

“He tells me everything because it stays with me, hyung. I can’t break his trust.” Not acting. Yoongi knows. It’s just one of those things.

“Is he trying to kill himself, Tae? I’m not an idiot. He’s not sick. He’s making himself puke every other week, what little he even fucking eats.” Yoongi is glaring at the mirror now, hating himself for what he can’t confront others about. He has his own demons, he doesn’t know how to get Jimin out of his.    
  
“He’s not trying to kill himself.” Taehyung sounds solemn, thoughtful but very sad. “But he’s not doing any good for himself.” 

“Stop him. Please. He listens to you.” Yoongi tries.

Taehyung scoffs, laughing slightly. “If he won’t listen to you - he won’t listen to anyone.”

“What are you talking about? You guys are way closer.”

“You’re so dumb sometimes, hyung.” Taehyung sucks his teeth, collecting his stuff. “Come on, we’re going to see Jeonggukie.”

“We have two more classes.” Yoongi raises a brow. 

“Not today.” Taehyung smiles, opening the door and walking out.

“And you call me dumb.” Yoongi says under his breath, following suit.

Taehyung stops in his tracks, looking back, “At least I know my love is unrequited, while you’re chasing your tail around when Jimin’s holding out the bone right in front of you.” 

“Don’t use Jimin and bone in the same sentence.”

“What? Don’t you want to bone him?” Another hit on the head. The bell rings to go to the next class, as the two friends hop the fence to meet one other.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry there's a little more angst :L 
> 
> all these boyfriends and unrequited loves GOT MY HEAD SPINNING RIGHT ROUND SPINNING RIGHT ROuUND 
> 
> i missed writing this fic, tonight was fun
> 
> thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos as always 
> 
> see you again soon :)


	22. am i catching up to you (while you're running away, to chase your dreams)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He tries to brace himself for whatever it is, Jiyong or Youngbae to tell him they know about the letter, Mr.Lee to tell him Jeongguk did something rash, Mrs.Lee to tell him he’s gotten worse than ever before. 
> 
> He comes up with the worst scenarios he can think of and walks through the archway. 
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter Title from Try by Asher Book (courtesy of Jin)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was supposed to be up two days ago, but I went to my brother's high school graduation and then it was my aunt's birthday. 
> 
> It's been a while guys, what's up? Don't worry. This fic isn't dead, not until I finish it. 
> 
> This chapter is on the shorter side, but that's because I wanted the pace to be fast (like someone having a really bad day) and the ending is exactly where I wanted to end it. Expect a cliffhanger. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy as always! ~

Jeongguk tears the letter in two immediately; Yoongi is quick to take him out to eat their favorite food and Taehyung goes home worriedly saying he got a weird text from Jimin. Yoongi pretends he doesn’t hear Jeongguk sniffling in his passenger seat of the car he bought with the money he earned tutoring kids over the past summers, and turns up the volume as the radio plays some cheesy ballad Yoongi usually wouldn’t waste his time with but is conveniently letting Jeongguk’s feelings out enough for Yoongi to actually be able to deal with them. They get a seat quickly, not many people around to eat this kind of meal before dinner rush really even begins. Yoongi doesn’t have to ask what Jeongguk wants, they order the same thing every time. 

 This is their place, he doesn’t take anyone else here. Yoongi has seen himself in Jeongguk time and time again, and he feels with Namjoon gone - he has to step up to be the hyung for now. They were here, maybe at this exact table, the day Jeongguk first heard Dahyun call him awkward in front of her friends and the day Yoongi missed Seunghyun especially. They were here on Jeongguk’s mother’s death anniversary and the one time Yoongi got drunk with Jiyong and Youngbae beforehand, and showed up on the Lees’ doorstep whining about everyone leaving him. They’ve seen the worst of each other, and so they have the toughest shells but with the shell comes the understanding. Yoongi is the only one that knows exactly what to tell Jeongguk to make him do even better the next time, and Jeongguk is the only one that’s able to make him actually believe in himself enough to write one more song. 

 Admittedly, Yoongi’s never seen Jeongguk this angry before. He didn’t even try to hide it, the rage exploding out of his every movement. Yoongi’s sure the tears that fell down the younger boy’s cheeks were hot. The lamb skewers have just arrived when Jeongguk decides to finally open up about the situation. 

 “He left. He just left.” Jeongguk’s voice is gruff from the sobbing he probably held in. Yoongi nods, waiting for him to continue because he’s learned Jeongguk likes to rant thoroughly before he waits for someone actually respond. He says that way he won’t lose his train of thought. “I didn’t hear anything from him. Almost three years.” Jeongguk tears a piece of meat off one of the metal skewers and chews aggressively. 

 “Ya, slow down or you’ll bite your damn tongue through.” Yoongi warns. Jeongguk slows his chewing. 

 "Suddenly he thinks I want to read a letter? A letter about how great America is and how he’s finding himself and how happy he is with Seokjin?” 

 "Seokjin hyung.” Yoongi corrects. 

 “He’s no one to me.” Jeongguk scowls, tearing off another piece. Yoongi feels his stomach turn. That’s his best friend, his big brother, his platonic soulmate as Taehyung calls Jimin sometimes and he knows that Seokjin worried for the angsty teen long before he had that label, as much as Namjoon. It bothered him more than a little to hear him be called ‘no one’. He hits Jeongguk’s head with his palm hard enough to prove his intention but softly enough that he’s not putting his efforts in vain. Jeongguk’s shoulders shrink, ashamed, but he doesn’t apologize - instead stubbornly bites his lip and looks away from Yoongi. Jeongguk’s voice starts to break. Yoongi can see the tears welling in his eyes already. “It was just me and mom, when she was sober. Then hyung came along, and I felt like I could live.” 

 “We’ve all had it tough, kid. There’s always someone who’s got it worse than you. Try using the word ‘even’ before ‘I’ in front of someone like Jungyeon, I dare you. The people who have the toughest lives never fucking realize it how bad it is. They don’t have time to think about it. They only have time to survive another day, another hour, another _second_.” He watches Jeongguk’s lip tremble. “Although,” he pauses and looks down at his hands in his lap, “you know how that is, I suppose.” 

 Jeongguk lets a tear fall, sliding down his cheek and landing on his jeans. “So then it doesn’t matter, right?” He takes a breath, scoffs. “It didn’t matter to hyung.” Another breath, he pushes the skewers away from himself, towards Yoongi. “I don’t matter to hyung.” 

 Yoongi looks at him in disbelief. He never expected an eighth grader to be so damn dramatic, let alone the quietest kid he had ever met. He half laughs, moves the plate back into the middle to show he’s not eating if Jeongguk isn’t. “Yeah, you don’t matter so much that he risked his life to get a letter to you.” He glares at Jeongguk, angry at his foolishness. “You don’t matter so much that he didn’t forget about you after all these years. So much that he tried to give you a fucking explanation, but because it was a little late you’re bitching.” He stands from the table, throwing down enough for the bill. “Get over yourself. Sometimes people have to leave. At least he tried to stay in contact.” He turns towards the door to leave, before he says anything unnecessary like _he_ ’s the hormonal tween. 

 “Hyung.” Jeongguk blurts out, holding out a hand to hold Yoongi’s arm. “You just don’t understand.” He tries to reason, like what he’s been saying isn’t all that wrong. The thing is Yoongi does understand, he’s just mature enough to know the feelings Jeongguk is expressing aren’t right. “He’s my brother, hyung. He raised me and then he left. My brother left me.” Yoongi understands the broken tone in his voice, understands the trembling of his hands as he stands and tries not to cry any more than he has. Still, he can’t validate it. 

 “My brother left with yours.” Yoongi shakes Jeongguk’s hand off and leaves the restaurant. 

 Jeongguk doesn’t finish the food, and he doesn’t cry.

 

Yoongi comes home, late but he’s too old for Miss Watson to scold him for that anymore, to find two things he wasn’t remotely ready for - let alone aware they were going to happen. Jimin punches him square in the jaw the moment his foot hits the living space floor. Yoongi hits the floor with his whole body in a matter of seconds, taken off guard by the violent move against him. He looks up to find two other people in the room, staring at him with fear and shock in their eyes. Before he makes sense of the situation, Jimin moves to hit him again but Jisoo is quick and holds his arm back just in time. Yoongi still flinches. 

 “Hey, stop that.” Jisoo shouts. He has authority in this house, almost as much as Miss Watson. He’s not an orphan, though he doesn’t like to be treated any different from the rest of them. “What did you hit him for?” Yoongi continues to stare at Jimin, red cheeked and nostrils flaring. 

 “Traitor.” Jimin screams. “I trusted you, you rat.” Jimin continues to scream as he fights for Jisoo’s grip to loosen. Yoongi looks to the side, into Taehyung’s wide eyes and open mouth. In the moment their eyes meet, Yoongi understands what has just happened. Taehyung told Jisoo about Jimin’s habit. Jimin thinks it was Yoongi. He smiles to himself, amazed at how his life is panning out his last year in the orphanage. 

 “Calm down, Jimin. It’s not something you should keep a secret.” He uses his knees to stand again, but at that moment Jisoo’s grip does loosen and Jimin lunges at him with his fist raised high again. He stops right before it collides with Yoongi’s face. Yoongi flinches again. Now Jimin smiles, though it’s anything but the pleasant picture Yoongi is used to seeing directed at him. 

 “You’re not even worth it.” He turns and leaves, the sound of the boy’s dorm room door slamming in harmony of his absence. Yoongi turns to look at Taehyung who holds his hands up, looking like a lost puppy. Yoongi shakes his head. There’s no point for Taehyung to take the blame for it when he’s already taken the punch. Besides, Yoongi would have done the same thing eventually. Taehyung puts his face in his hands, shoulders shaking from his sobs. 

 “I was scared.” 

 “I know, Tae. It’s okay.” Yoongi moves to give him a hug but Miss Watson comes in, surprised at the scene. She runs over to the tenth grader crying like he’s killed his own father, shushing him and asking what’s wrong. Yoongi wonders whether he should leave - though he doesn’t have a lot of places left to go. It’s days like this he really misses Namjoon, and Seokjin even more. He decides to go to Hoseok’s, eager to escape the chaos with his best friend’s smile and some video games he isn’t really into but make Hoseok laugh all the same, but Miss Watson calls his name. 

 “There’s someone here for you.” There’s something in her facial expression that tells him it’s not only a surprise but not a pleasant one. He supposes he can add another to the list, and asks where. She tells him in the kitchen and then opens her mouth one more time with no sound coming out. He waits, but she just shakes her head slightly and urges him to go on. He tries to brace himself for whatever it is, Jiyong or Youngbae to tell him they know about the letter, Mr.Lee to tell him Jeongguk did something rash, Mrs.Lee to tell him he’s gotten worse than ever before. He comes up with the worst scenarios he can think of and walks through the archway. 

 

When he sees the woman at the dinner table, he nearly falls down again. She looks almost exactly the same as the day he saw her back to him as she got into a cab with the words, “I can’t do this.” as the only explanation. Her eyes have aged more than any other part of her body, though wrinkles litter her face and her figure isn’t what it used to be. 

 “Yoongi.” She says with a nervous smile.

 His voice shakes. “... mom?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yep, that happened (I've had the idea of Yoongi meeting his mom again in my head since I first began this fic. I've been waiting to write this scene and the one in the upcoming chapter.) 
> 
> I hope you stay tuned. 
> 
> Thank you for all that stay with me, and to my new fans. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting!   
> I love you all.


	23. plzdonthateme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plz 
> 
> im trying

Hey, guys. This fic isn't dead. I will finish it in these upcoming days. I just finished my first semester of university.   
Apart from all the history papers and english essays, I didn't write at all for a long time.   
But I'm back! Expect a chapter coming up really soon, and this fic should be finished by January 8th cause that's when my Spring semester starts. 

Thank you for sticking with me. I hope I can make up for the long wait with chapters that will please your soul.


	24. i keep thinking (of course, it's natural that i lost you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s even softer than the last admittance Jimin made, but it hits Yoongi like a bullet.  
> He doesn’t know what to do, what to say, so Yoongi shuts down again like he always does when he’s in too much pain. He puts away his words and his emotions, though Jimin's words play over and over in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is nearly 6000 words, which is about 3000 words more than usual. I think there will be two chapters more, if not one very long one. 
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me and all the lovely lovely comments on my last post. I hope the wait was worth it. 
> 
> Enjoy~
> 
> Chapter Title from Self - Hatred by Urban Zakapa

Yoongi’s vision swims and his heart aches, literally and physically aches, but he takes deep breaths and he tells himself he’s old enough to know how to deal with the worst of things life throws at him. He’s not putting anyone through that hell in the hospital again, especially not himself. Still, he can’t seem to grasp the concept what he’s seeing in front of him is  _ real  _ and terrifyingly familiar. Jimin’s pale face is up towards the ceiling as the younger boy’s back is resting on the floor. His eyes are closed, and Yoongi can’t see if he’s breathing. He’s so scared to find out that he isn’t that he doesn’t want to check himself. Yoongi already dialed the emergency services, he was the only one that would have even been able to do it in time. The other residents of the orphanage have gone out on a rare outing to the movies, something Chan wanted to see since he saw the trailer on TV. Jimin had decided to stay behind, telling everyone he was tired from the dance practices and feeling a bit ill. No one batted an eyelash; Jimin has always been honest and warm and  _ the definition of  _ **_alive_ ** . Yoongi felt something, an instinctual turn of his stomach when they were already a fair bit on the way to the theater. He turned back, running as fast as his regrettably short legs could carry him, breath ragged and fear driving him to push his lungs past the burn. He wishes he had been wrong. 

The paramedics run in, moving him out of the way as he continues to stand and stare at the lively boy turning grey in front of his eyes. As they lift him and put him on the stretcher, Yoongi feels more uneasy. He runs up to his side, grabbing at one of his hands. The small digits in his are so small, and too cold for such a bright boy. Yoongi’s tears fall as he walks alongside, holding on for Jimin’s life.

“Wake up, Jiminie. When you wake up, hyung will tell you a secret.” Yoongi’s voice fades as the sobs crawl out of his throat. “Don’t you want to know what it is?”

Yoongi doesn’t get an answer as the ambulance doors close behind them and he’s enveloped in the sound of the machinery and the siren rushing them to the hospital where they  _ will  _ save Jimin. They just have to.

 

_ “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Jimin, happy birthday to you!” The room of people sings to the wide eyed boy, still holding the door open from when he walked in - completely unaware he’d be met with this fanfare. Taehyung runs out, throwing what looks to be his own socks at the boy and giggling at a concerningly loud volume. He crushes the boy, his  _ **_best_ ** _ friend in his arms as he finally gets close enough.  _

_ “Happy birthday, Chim Chim!” He gives him a sloppy kiss on the cheek, boxy grin shining brighter than the party lights strewn in the orphanage’s living room for the occasion. Yoongi feels his stomach flip upside down at the gesture, jealous of the easy affection the two can exchange. He walks up to the bright eyed boy, still in awe of what’s happening to him, holding out a small, poorly wrapped box. Well, Yoongi had tried his best - he turned down Jisoo’s help because he had to do this himself after all. It’s special. Jimin stares at it, and for a second Yoongi thinks he’s not going to take it. He’s terrified, since the box might as well be holding his actual heart inside for all the care he put into it. _

_ “What is this?” Jimin says breathily, like he’s been holding it for minutes. Yoongi chuckles, his voice raspier than usual because of the nerves he’s trying to hide. _

_ “I think in some places, they call it a present.” He smirks, acting way cooler than he really is - has ever really been even though Jimin looks at him like he was the sky itself. He doesn’t really know when he started looking at Jimin like he was the sun inside his sky, but he thinks maybe it had just always been that way. It took him a little too long to figure it out. _

_ Jimin scoffs, accepting the box with both hands and looking at it like it’s a snowflake ready to melt. Yoongi melts, unbearably fond. He’s about to tell him to open it, ready to say words he’s rehearsed for days literally though it might have been years subconsciously. On Park Jimin’s 17th birthday, Min Yoongi - resident nineteen year old grump - almost tells him he wants him to be his. On Park Jimin’s 17th birthday, a pretty girl with a lovely smile and stunning eyes interrupts them and confesses first. On Park Jimin’s 17th birthday, Lim Nayeon becomes his first girlfriend. Yoongi gives him the rings inside the small gift box and nothing else. He swallows all of his words. _

 

The ride in the ambulance is surreal, like an old memory. Yoondi did this with his grandmother, except all the feelings he’s learned how to express after years and years of acting cold and emotionless, acting like he didn’t know pain, are showing loud and clear. He sobs, not caring about anyone else in the vehicle even though the paramedics are accustomed to this. Yoongi’s heart constricts with every second that passes, tries to choke itself out so it won’t have to face this. 

He tries to ignore that the doctors haven’t said anything like “He’s going to be okay.” He tries to ignore that Jimin’s small hands rock without any control on the stretcher that takes too many of his loved ones away from him. He tries to ignore in favor of praying to a God he never really believed in. He prays, swearing on everything he could ever give to anyone he’ll give anything for Jimin to make it through.

“Sir, you should calm yourself. Your breathing is becoming erratic.” A paramedic puts a hand softly on his shoulder, offering a concerned look. Yoongi bats him away, continues sobbing and gasping and  _ praying.  _ If he had done something for this to happen to him, then why isn’t he at least the only one being punished? He screams at the world to leave Jimin out of this. He prays someone will listen.

 

_ Yoongi passes the boy’s dorm, ears picking up a hushed conversation among Jimin and his best friend. He doesn’t really mean to eavesdrop, at first, but he hears his name and he justifies himself with the bitter resolve that he deserves to hear anything that’s said about him personally. _

_ “Chim, you let me beat you again. You never do this. What’s wrong?” Taehyung’s concerned voice, octaves lower than anyone had ever expected the boy’s voice to get. It almost scares Yoongi, though he knows Jeongguk loves it in the way he gushes about the boy every time they see each other. He hopes Jeongguk’s love life turns out better than his own. He hears Jimin’s sigh, something common inside the orphanage lately. Yoongi would worry if it was any of his business - really, he probably worries either way but he refuses to admit it to himself at least. _

_ “Why do you think she did it, Tae?” Jimin’s voice is soft and low, and Yoongi can tell it isn’t really because he’s trying to be tired. It sounds like it’s just too much effort for Jimin to raise it. _

_ “Who cares?” Taehyung suddenly shouts exasperatedly. Yoongi flinches in his spot, cursing under his breath. “If she can’t see how amazing you are, there’s no reason in the world that matters. She’ll be the one missing out.”  _

_ “She cried.” Jimin says it like it’s a wonder, like he was studying every tear that fell from her face and he’s trying to make sense of his analysations. “A lot.” _

_ “So? It’s her fault. She  _ **_should_ ** _ cry, let her cry you a river.” Taehyung sounds angry. Yoongi doesn’t really know what’s going on apart from the knowledge that Jimin’s girlfriend had obviously broken up with him. He hates that Jimin is so down over her, but he hates that he’s down more. He scoffs, turning away and walking to the kitchen where had intended to make some coffee before going back to studying for his Gothic Architecture 101 class - a class he really didn’t care for in the least anymore. _

_ Yoongi doesn’t hear Jimin say “All I’m good for is making people cry.” Yoongi doesn’t know Jimin heard him sob his name months ago in the bathroom; he doesn’t know Jimin blames himself for everything that goes wrong. _

 

Yoongi sits outside the operating room, inside the love of his life barely hanging on. The hospital is assaultingly white and clean, quiet somehow. Thoughts run through his mind, reasons, times, memories when it could have started, _blame_. How could he have overlooked it? He _loves_ him. How could Yoongi not see? How did he not see? 

Jimin wanted to die.

In the unsettling silence of the waiting room, Yoongi comes up with too many scenes that warned him. Scenes from years, months, weeks, days,  _ hours  _ before Jimin filled his stomach with pills to free his mind and heart. As he waits with mouth pulled taut, and fingers digging into his nails, he realizes he saw all the signs and he just didn’t do anything. Yoongi realizes, and he shuts down.

 

_ “Hyung, why are you avoiding me?” Jimin’s voice gets smaller every day, like he’s hoping once he gets quiet enough people will just stop listening. It tears at Yoongi, but he looks at him with indifference because that’s all he can do. Jimin is dating someone else, though he wears the small silver bands Yoongi bought with most of his savings  _ **_every_ ** _ day. _

_ “Who’s avoiding you? I just have my own life to attend to.” He grumbles, sounding meaner than he intended but the thought of Nayeon holding the hand where Yoongi’s rings sit makes him all too bitter. He doesn’t look Jimin in the eyes, he hasn’t been able to since the birthday party. Jimin hums sadly, nodding in acknowledgement. He doesn’t say anything else, he just walks away with his shoulders low and his eyes on the dusty floorboards. Yoongi runs his hands through his messy hair, frustrated, growling to himself as he watches the boy walk off. He honestly stands there for a good thirty seconds before he takes off after him, but Jimin is his biggest weakness. “Ya!” He shouts after him, waiting as Jimin turns to look at him. His expression doesn’t change, no surprise or happiness that Yoongi came after him. Yoongi doesn’t really know what he expected either. “How’s school?” It’s the only thing that comes to mind. It’s casual enough, but shows he still cares about the boy - or at least, he hopes that gets through. _

_ “It’s fine.” Jimin answers with no feeling. His eyes look almost glazed over. Yoongi doesn’t know what’s happened to him today. He’s not himself at all, the usually energetic and cheerful Jimin is buried somewhere under these floorboards he can’t stop looking at for some damn reason. It makes Yoongi mad. He’s the one who should be sulking, so what the hell? _

_ “Maybe you should take some advice from school then, because you don’t seem fine at all.” Yoongi mutters at him, but Jimin hears and snaps his eyes up to look at him. The gaze turning into a glare, Jimin’s full lips turning up in a sneer. _

_ “Like you care.” Jimin spits at him, and the words feel like flames burning Yoongi from the inside out. He does care. He cares about Jimin more than anyone in the world, he’s sure of it. He’s about to open his mouth to protest, maybe say as much as he thinks for once but Jimin’s shout cuts any train of thought that was running. “Like  _ **_anybody_ ** _ cares.” _

_ Yoongi hears Jimin’s voice break, sees the tears line his eyes, but he can’t find his voice to say anything so when Jimin turns around and keeps walking - Yoongi doesn’t go after him this time. He watches as the boy’s shaking shoulders disappear into the next hallway, along with the sound of his sniffling. _

_ Yoongi’s heart breaks all over again. He never meant to make Jimin cry, not once in his life did he want to do that. Yoongi turns the other way, and goes back into his room. It feels dingier than usual, and even opening the curtains he always has shut doesn’t do anything. The sun just doesn’t compare to Jimin. _

 

“He’s stabilized but he hasn’t regained consciousness. It might take a little while. Give it a few days.” The doctors tell Miss Watson with an apologetic bow. Jisoo is sitting next to him, eyes red with tears he must have cried as well. He holds Yoongi’s hand almost forcefully, and Yoongi isn’t sure who it’s for more. He stares at the linoleum, cursing himself a million times over for what he didn’t do. He sees women’s dainty shoes come into his eyesight on the floor and looks up to a sniffling Miss Watson with sad eyes. He hates this, hates all of it. He selfishly wishes he was the one unconscious right now, before berating himself in his head for what he knows isn’t right.

“Yoongi.” Miss Watson’s voice is soft, feather light. “I know -”

“Where are the others?” Yoongi interrupts rudely, unwilling to talk about anything relating to - to -  _ this. _

“They’re back home. We’ll all have to visit later, but I think for now it’s better if the younger ones stay back.” Miss Watson looks at the clock in the hallway; it’s nearly midnight. “We should be getting back too, but first we need to talk.” She looks at Jisoo, quiet and put together as always. “We can’t blame ourselves.”

Yoongi stands abruptly. Like hell he can’t. He will, always. If Jimin never wakes up - no, of course he will. He has to. “Go back without me.” His voice is gruff, his throat sore.

“Yoongi, you can’t stay here.” Jisoo interjects, trying to take responsibility as always. Yoongi likes the kid, has liked him since he came to help out his aunt from Los Angeles, but he doesn’t need his shit right now.

“I wasn’t planning to.” He’s snarky, and he does feel a bit guilty for it but nobody know when Jimin will open his eyes again or if he’ll be glad when he does. Will he blame Yoongi for saving his life? Will he blame Yoongi for pushing him to the point he felt he had to take it? “I’m going to Hoseok’s. I’ll sleep over, so don’t wait up.” He pulls his coat on, it’s winter outside.

“You  _ can’t  _ blame yourself!” Jisoo insists, eyes wet again as his voice trembles. Yoongi’s taken aback from how torn apart the boy looks, a stark contrast. “We can’t lose you too.”

“No one’s lost, Jisoo. Jimin isn’t fucking dead.” He doesn’t say anything else; he just walks out.

The bite of the chill on his bare hands and ears is refreshing, grounding, and nice. Yoongi wipes all thoughts from his mind, popping on the headphones Seunghyun gave him years ago and plays his favorite song.

 

_ “Hyung, look! I learned a really cool new move from Hoseokie hyung today!” Jimin runs in with a smile so bright, Yoongi actually groans from his blanket cocoon like the light irritates his sleep laden state of being. Jimin doesn’t wait to check if Yoongi is paying attention, though he is - how could he not - before he breaks into a sharp dance routine that certainly looks impressive but Yoongi doesn’t know the technicalities of. He claps softly from his fortress, fond smile covered by his blanket though maybe Jimin sees it in his eyes. “Did you like it? Am I good, hyung? I am, right? Hoseokie hyung says I’ll be as good as him soon!” Jimin’s cheeks eclipse his eyes when he smiles like that, and it’s probably Yoongi’s favorite thing in the world. He sits up hesitantly and begrudgingly. Jimin looks around his room, barely ever having the chance to come in. Yoongi moved from the boy’s dorm into his own space when he turned eighteen. Miss Watson made it clear he didn’t need to stay at the orphanage, but he insisted if she could hook him up with a spot he’s got rent money. She scoffed at the idea, insisting he’s practically family and letting him take residence free of charge. Yoongi doesn’t plan on staying forever, how could he? He’s just watching some of his special dongsaengs grow up, and college isn’t easy either. He has a scholarship to pay for the classes, but he still covers any extra fees. “Hyung, maybe you can make a song especially for me some time so I can dance to it.” Yoongi feels his heart warm, knowing he already has at least ten songs about Jimin out even if his name isn’t in them. He’s sold a lot of tracks, making a good amount of cash and gaining some traction on the charts. _

_ “Maybe if you stop running into my room like this.” He fakes a complaint. He loves seeing Jimin, wherever and whenever. _

_ “You love me. If I was Chan, you would have kicked him out already.” Jimin grins at him. Yoongi snorts at the fitting phrase - oh, if Jimin only knew. Still, Jimin is only fifteen and Yoongi doesn’t even know if the younger boy is interested in men. He keeps quiet, watching him grow with baited breath and a heart ready to give as soon as he says the word. _

_ “Do I though?” Yoongi grumbles, smirking.  _

_ “Yep.” Yes, he really does. _

 

He knocks on the door, same old routine for so many years now. Hoseok’s dad answers looking exhausted but pleased to see him. It’s been a while since he’s visited them, busy with school and work but he offers a smile back to Mr.Jung.

“Yoongi, to what do I owe the pleasant honor of your presence on my doorstep at nearly one in the morning?” It isn’t mean, Yoongi already knows he’s welcome any time in any circumstance. He can’t really manage the smile back but he nods respectfully in answer.

“Hoseok home?” 

“I think I hear his TV on upstairs. Go up and play some video games, like the old days hmm?” Yoongi nods in agreement, graciously stepping inside the house that’s his second home. Mr. Jung wishes him a good night and goes off to his own bedroom. Yoongi takes  a deep breath, listening to the sounds of the house before he goes in and tells Hoseok about tonight and what he’s planning to do next. He takes the steps slowly, realizing he hears two voices upstairs. He really should have called ahead, but it’s too late now and he honestly really needs Hoseok so he opens the door bravely to see a familiar figure next to Hoseok trying to take his controller with a boxy grin. Yoongi’s stomach sinks. Taehyung doesn’t know, and Yoongi’s going to have to tell him because he’s Jimin’s best friend and he deserves to know. He’ll probably visit with the rest of the orphanage every day he can make it, crying rivers down the hallway. He sighs, making the two boys look up at him. 

“Yoongi!” Hoseok yells, dragging him into a hug though once he’s in Hoseok’s arms - Yoongi lets go and melts into them, hiding his face in his friend’s shoulder as he finds the words to say. Hoseok feels the difference from the normal, grumpy push away Yoongi gives his hugs and pulls away carefully to study his face. “You’ve been crying.” He observes, Yoongi doesn’t say anything - his tongue run away from him. “What happened?” He turns off his TV, giving Taehyung a glare when he whines and leads Yoongi to the bed. Taehyung realizes the atmosphere and sits on Hoseok’s other side watching curiously. 

“I - I came straight here.” He starts. He cuts off, not wanting to go any further. He’s scared. Words make it real, telling others makes it real. Asking for help makes it real.

“From where?” Hoseok waits for him, hand comfortingly stroking his back as he waits patiently for Yoongi to answer. He glances at Taehyung. “Tae, maybe you should go downstairs.” Yoongi’s eyes snap open from when he closed them, enjoying the intimacy he had missed with his friend for the time they’ve been apart.

“No. He needs to hear this too.” His voice sounds panicked. He makes the resolution that he has to just say it, steeling himself. “Jimin overdosed.” It sounds too loud, like an explosion throughout the house, like the neighbors heard it too, like it’s real and terrifying and awful and  _ Yoongi’s fault _ . He hears the breath both boys take, before the sound of one body jumping off the bed. He opens his eyes to Taehyung gripping his collar, holding him up from the force haphazardly - eyes aflame. He should have known, he should have known if anyone feels the same as him it would be Taehyung, the only person who might love Jimin as much as him - maybe. Hoseok tries to detangle them, but Yoongi grunts an objection letting Taehyung continue.

“You piece of shit.” The younger boy growls at him, tears collecting in his eyes as Yoongi can already hear Hoseok’s slight sobs. He doesn’t know if Taehyung can say anything worse than what he’s already told himself in his mind, but he’d like it if he could because nothing feels enough. “You  _ lived  _ with him, and you didn’t do shit though you must have seen. You saw him every day, Yoongi. How did you not fucking notice?”

He did. He just didn’t do anything about it. 

“He’s alive.” Yoongi adds, the only words he can find to put everything he’s feeling out there. The fear of what’s to come when he wakes up, the joy he’s not gone, the anger at the whole damn thing and himself in that one phrase. “He’s alive.” He confirms, he hears Hoseok shudder out a breath. 

“Oh, thank God.” Taehyung lets go of him, Yoongi falls back into the bed. Taehyung turns to look at him, eyes piercing him through before his words can.

“You don’t deserve him.” Taehyung flies out of the room, tears finally flowing down his cheeks as he grabs his coat and backpack off Hoseok’s floor.

“I know.” Yoongi says, more to himself than anyone. Taehyung is already gone anyway and Hoseok is shell shocked on his floor.

“Hobi,” he gets down next to him, returning the favor and trying to comfort him.

“Why didn’t any of us help him, Yoongi?” Hoseok turns to him, eyes full of the same blame Yoongi shoved inside himself to the brim. “What kind of friends would let him think he’s better off dead?” Hoseok’s voice breaks, sobs rolling out sporadically and hysterically. Hoseok whispers Jimin’s name over and over again, along with the words “I’m sorry.”

Yoongi doesn’t know if he can even say that much. If he deserves to, when Taehyung is absolutely right, he can see each day Jimin must have felt close to the edge and the indifference Yoongi showed him through those days. There’s nothing to say about it. Yoongi just doesn’t deserve him.

 

_ “Get out of here.” Jimin’s still so young, and he’s not intimidating in the least but he stands between Yoongi, hand to his reddening cheek, and the woman who was Yoongi’s mother - or supposed to be, once upon a time. _

_ “Are you the one who made him this way?” She yells at Jimin, and Yoongi snaps out of his shock to move Jimin behind him once again. He glares at this woman, a woman he’d prayed would come back for him time and again to talk things over and explain what he’d done wrong. It’s just that now Yoongi is old enough, confident enough,  _ **_loved_ ** _ enough to know that it was never him. _

_ “I was born gay. So really, you and dad made me this way if you wanna get technical.” Yoongi laughs derogatory, venom collecting on his tongue - all the things he always wanted to say to everyone who threw him away like he was nothing ready to spill out. “I’d rather be a faggot like you said, than someone who runs away from their problems or tries to pretend like they love their son so they can get the paycheck for being a single mom. You’ve never been a mom. You’ll never love me, I learned that all by myself going through hells you can’t even imagine.” Jimin holds his hand, Yoongi squeezes it tight. “I never want to see your face again.” _

_ “What? You think because you’ve gotten a little older and had to make it on your own - you know everything now?” The woman yells back, cigarettes heavy on her breath and needle marks ridding the arms she swings about wildly trying to defend herself. Yoongi’s done wasting his breath. He continues to hold Jimin’s hand as he walks out of the room, and comes up to Miss Watson with a smile. _

_ “There’s a crazy woman in the kitchen. If she doesn’t leave, please call the police.” Miss Watson smiles back at him.  _

_ “Yoongi, look at how much you’ve grown up.” She pats his head caringly as she steps into the kitchen and tells the woman to leave threatening to call the police. Yoongi hears some chairs thrown around, but the woman makes her way towards the door grumbling about how a brat like him isn’t even worth the money and he’ll just find some shmuck to pay for her. His hand is still in Jimin’s, and Jimin is pressing his face into his back.  _

_ “I can practically feel your smile carving itself into me, Jimin.” Yoongi laughs. _

_ “I’m so proud of you, hyung. You can really be happy now.” Jimin whispers, arms coming up to wrap around Yoongi’s torso. _

_ “With a brat like you?” Yoongi relaxes into the hug, pulling away shortly. “How could I not be?” He smiles at him.  _

_ “You won’t always have me around.” Jimin insists, and Yoongi comes to the conclusion that the idea hurts too much. He needs Jimin to always be around. He feels himself blush, turning to look at the youth.  _

_ At the age of eighteen, Min Yoongi realizes Park Jimin has him around his tiny finger - and loves him all the more. _

 

Hoseok is asleep on his left, facing the wall and twitching in his sleep like he’s probably having a nightmare. Yoongi couldn't even sleep so he doesn’t blame him. He gets out of the bed, stepping out into the hallway and into the Jung family’s bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror, wondering how much he can do in this situation without looking like a pathetic asshole but there’s one thing burning in his mind, through his pocket. Yoongi takes out his phone, lifting the case to reveal the old sticky note. He sighs, dialing the number and lifting it to his ear. The other line picks up on the third ring.

“It took long enough.” The voice on the other line sends shivers down his spine, Yoongi holds back more sobs ready to come out before he can explain - if he even can.

“Namjoon.” He chokes out, before a sob escapes his throat no matter how much he tries to hold it in. 

“Yoongi.” Namjoon sounds like he’s probably crying too, and Yoongi hears a whisper with the rusting of bed sheets on the other side. “It’s Yoongi, baby.” He hears Namjoon say, and then it  goes quiet. 

“Yoongi?” A breathless voice breaks at the last syllable of his name. Yoongi gives up trying to hold it in and cries with all he has, holding the phone in his grip like he might drop it and ruin everything at any moment.

“Jin hyung.” Yoongi cries. He knows Jin is crying on the other side as well, sure Namjoon is right there holding him with his own tears flowing just as well. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry it took so long to call. I’m sorry I called tonight. I’m sorry I have to ask you - I have to ask.” He takes a breath after the long rant.

“What? What is it, Yoongi? Anything. I miss you so much. Anything you need.” Yoongi’s missed that whiny voice so much, the one that made him feel safe, like he can take a break from taking care of everyone and be taken care of instead. He misses Jin more than he cares to admit some days, misses Namjoon’s angsty philosophies and cool demeanor. He wishes he had a better reason for the request but what could be more important than Jimin now?

“Come back. We need you, need you to come back.” He manages to say through his hysteria, Hoseok is knocking on the door and steps in before Yoongi bothers to answer - eyes full of worry. He sees the phone and mouths the question. Yoongi ignores him, there’ll be plenty of time to explain everything when he’s done. “It’s Jimin, hyung. He tried to kill himself, and I love him so much. I’m in love with him, and I don’t know what to do, hyung. Please. You have to come back.”

Hoseok doesn’t look surprised at the confession. Of course, he must have known after all the days Yoongi had asked how Jimin was doing in practice, if he was smiling, if he was eating right.

“I’ll have to figure some things out with Joonie, but - but we will, Yoongi. We’ll come back. Wait for us.” Jin promises, and Yoongi believes him. He catches his breath, sniffles attacking him every other breath. “We have to go, Yoongi. We’ll talk again soon.”

“I miss you, hyung. Jimin needs you. I need you.” Yoongi says lastly, Jin reciprocates the ‘I miss you’ and hangs up. The call ends too soon, and Yoongi feels so alone again. He feels the weight of the blame on his shoulders dragging him down to the ground. He doesn’t know how to live with this.

“Was it?” Hoseok starts. Yoongi nods, too exhausted to do much of anything else. “Good. We do need them.” He pauses, puts an arm across Yoongi’s shoulders and guides him back to his room. They get in bed and stare at the ceiling. Yoongi feels the need to tell someone something that’s been on his mind since he saw Jimin face up in that bathroom. It’s been tearing him apart from the moment it entered his dark mind, and he doesn’t want to keep things inside anymore. He just can’t do it.

“Hoseok.” Yoongi whispers in the dark. Hoseok grunts to show he’s listening. “Jimin told me he wanted to die.” Hoseok sits up, turning on the light and staring at him. 

“What?” Yoongi doesn’t say anything, just keeps staring at the ceiling and counting all the imperfections like they’re his own. “Yoongi,  _ what _ ?”

“He told me, and I didn’t know what to say.” Yoongi admits, shutting his eyes tight and remembering that day. “How am I ever going to face him again?” Another tear rolls down the side of Yoongi’s face and lands on his pillow.

“You’re going to face him with all the courage, apologies, and love you’ve ever had in your life.” Hoseok says resolutely. Yoongi sits up and looks at him. 

“What?” 

“You love him more than anyone I know.”

“I don’t deserve him. Even Taehyung said so.” 

“That’s not what matters right now, Yoongi.” Hoseok looks him dead in the eyes. “Jimin’s going to need every ounce of that love when he wakes up, from all of us but most of all from you.”

“But why?” Yoongi scowls. He fucked up such a long time ago. He won’t ever redeem himself. 

“Because he loves you, Yoongi. He loves you more than anyone I know.” 

 

_ Yoongi walks into the boy’s dorm to find Jimin on his laptop, screen paused on the image of a boy hanging from a noose in a forest. His heart shakes, he knows Jimin’s been down a lot lately. He’s gone out of his way to try and be more gentle like before despite his heartache. He doesn’t know what to do anymore. _

_ “Jimin, what are you watching?” Yoongi questions, hoping it’s just a sad drama that Jimin will turn around with tears in his eyes like when he used to watch movies where the dog dies and hold onto him and cry about how glad he is it isn’t real. He’s waiting but it doesn’t happen. _

_ “I don’t know. I just keep thinking, people look really peaceful when they die. It’s pretty. They look really pretty.” Jimin continues to stare at the screen, and Yoongi can’t find air in his lungs to say anything. “I want to be pretty, hyung.” Jimin whispers sadly. _

_ Yoongi wants to say “You  _ **_are_ ** _ , you’re the most beautiful thing on this earth. Don’t you dare leave it.” But he can’t, he doesn’t know how to say that or anything at all so he just stands there awkwardly, and stiffly, wondering if Jimin is waiting for him to say something to change his mind like he really should be. Maybe Jimin just wants to hear him say he’s pretty. It’s even softer than the last admittance Jimin made, but it hits Yoongi like a bullet. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say, so Yoongi shuts down again like he always does when he’s in too much pain. He puts away his words and his emotions, though Jimin's words play over and over in his mind. _

_ “I want to be dead.” _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think in every chapter i put some kind of note where i say "oh the real angst is over" and then i put up another chapter that breaks my heart as i write it 
> 
> i'll be honest, this was planned from the very beginning - the idea of jimin struggling very visually but not able to get help is something i wanted to write about for a very long time and this fic was fitting for it
> 
> please comment, i miss reading them 
> 
> thank you for reading, leaving kudos and commenting  
> i love you guys, hope you had happy holidays


	25. lie to me (because i can't get closer to you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’ll never be forgiven but he has to tell him - has to face himself if only for a chance to save one of the people he never could - Min Yoongi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't really describe how sorry I am to you all, that in the end I can only give you this. It isn't... a horrible ending, though not what I had planned. I hope that it is appreciated at least a little, maybe even liked. 
> 
> I've fallen into a hole I can't get out of. I've had this chapter in my documents for months, for so so long. It's been rewritten a million different ways but I simply can't do it anymore. I'm not asking for you to accept it out of pity for me. I'm merely saying... this is the end of it. I wish I could have done more.
> 
> Thank you for staying with me. I'm sorry I've let you down. 
> 
> Chapter Title: The Truth Untold - BTS

Jimin regains consciousness after two days of deep sleep, but no one is allowed to see him - request of Jimin himself. Taehyung comes to ask about visitation every single day, sometimes multiple times and even he is turned away with a sad smile from the receptionist. Yoongi sits in the hallway outside Jimin’s room whenever he has free time, though he’s never asked the receptionist to go in. He doesn’t think Jimin would want to see his face anymore and maybe the coward in him wouldn’t be able to face him anyway. He listens to the murmur of the doctors that go in and out of Jimin’s hospital room, trying to hear Jimin’s voice in vain since it seems Jimin hasn’t spoken since he woke up.

It’s the second week Jimin’s been in the psych ward and Yoongi’s sat outside like a faithful dog, when they step in front of Yoongi like the visions of angels they really are. Yoongi is thinking of his conversation with Miss Watson earlier in the week about Jimin having to help himself before they can help him, when someone clears their throat and he looks up and his breath catches inside his throat.

“Hyung?” He drops the notebook full of lyrics that grow darker with every day that passes with Jimin’s lips stitched shut in a silence that condemns them all. Shooting up from the seat, he reaches out his hands without touching the man in front of him for fear of the mirage disappearing.

“It’s me.” The man’s voice is shaky, giving away the tears that refuse to actually spill. Yoongi leaps into the other’s arms, shaking to replace the sobs that won’t come.

“I missed you, Seokjin. I can’t express how much.” His face buried in the other’s shoulders that broadened impossibly since Yoongi last saw him. They grew apart from each other but the closeness was the exact same in the moment.

“I thought about you every day, Yoongi.” Seokjin hugs back, hands digging into the other’s back. “You’re shaking.” Yoongi steps back, looks past Seokjin at the face of the man who took him away from him one last time and runs into his arms just as well.

“Namjoon.” Yoongi’s voice breaks before he can continue. “You too. I missed you too.” Namjoon relaxes into the shorter male’s grip, slightly awkward at a gesture he didn’t expect. He’s had his fair share of nightmares to wake him up. “

Is he inside?” Seokjin asks, clearing his throat after a few minutes of their touching reunion. “As far as we know. No one is allowed to visit.” Yoongi’s voice levels out, goes dead - dead like Jimin isn’t and still wishes he could be. Namjoon opens the door to Jimin’s room, something Yoongi had fantasized of doing as his legs glued themselves more to the seat he’s frequented with guilt and torment.

“Never been one for rules, right?” Namjoon grins. Yoongi sees the boy from back then, who claimed he had no business having a family but took care of little Jeongguk anyway. Oh, how happy the boy would be, long ago forgiving his honorary big brother.

“Tell me how he’s doing.” Yoongi’s shoulders sink as he realizes he can’t go in. He’s sure the request to keep out visitors was just a nice way of Jimin keeping Yoongi away. He won’t go against the boy’s wishes - won’t take away his last comforts.

“Yoongi -” Seokjin starts, but he’s already walking away. Nothing will change his mind. Nothing could make him hurt Jimin again.

 

“He wants to see you.” Seokjin says over dinner at the orphanage that night, Yoongi dropping the meager amount of food he managed to throw onto his plate. He stares at Seokjin, waiting for the joke - waiting for the punishment he hasn’t received yet for what he hasn’t been able to do. “He asked for you to go as soon as you can. If you have time tomorrow -”

Yoongi stands, throwing aside the chair behind him and reaching for his jacket with his pocket notebook - all the words he didn’t know how to say or when to say kept safe inside of it. The hospital is a far walk and he doesn’t have a lot of money but a taxi is something he can afford to take advantage of a chance he may never get again. The ride is short, mocking his fear and taking any breath from his lungs at the thought of seeing Jimin again so soon. He’ll never be forgiven but he has to tell him - has to face himself if only for a chance to save one of the people he never could - Min Yoongi.

He stands in front of the door, the hallway frighteningly silent and empty - this wing’s hours playing mercy on the scenery. His left hand clutches the leather bound notebook, and he pushes the door open in front of him with the other. He almost falls to his knees at the sight of Jimin, tubes sticking out of him like a voodoo doll that’s trying to keep itself alive against its own best wishes. He wants to laugh; he wants to cry, wants to throw everything in the room outside the window and run away. He lets out a sound ripping its way out his lips and into the room, wipes hot tears as they fall, and carries his shaky legs towards the hospital bed. , Yoongi thinks morbidly.

“Hi, hyung.” An angel’s voice, Yoongi’s soul is outside his own body. His head feels dense, like it’s made out of radio static. He opens his mouth to say something but words escape him. He stands across the frail looking boy, eyes still shining. He’s braced himself for what feels like his final war but now that he’s on the front lines, he’s forgotten how to hold a gun. “Couldn’t you say something?”

“How do you get a mouse to cheese?” His voice is more gravelly than it’s grown over the years, burdened by the lump in his throat.

“Say smile.” Jimin finishes, gracing Yoongi with a small one of his own. Yoongi feels himself shatter at the pity Jimin is expressing towards him, always thinking only of others. “Can I be selfish tonight?” Jimin’s voice is barely a whisper, straining from the days of silence. “Could you listen to me for a while?” 

"I’ll listen to you forever, Jimin.” Yoongi says without thinking, staying his distance - afraid to come any closer.

“I don’t think I’ll take that long.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> This was uploaded once for about ten minutes before I took it down again after rereading it. I revised it, edited, and now I'm happy with this chapter. 
> 
> I hope you all are happy with it too. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting.
> 
> Title of Fic from Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
> 
> Chapter Title from The Kids Aren't Alright by The Offspring


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